by Justin Clay
“Where is she at?”
The commander sighs, and instructs his team to disengage, and with a little hesitation drop their guns. “The sergeant respectfully no longer has the authority to make such decision,” he says to us resolutely. “She has decisively taken leave of her duties for the time being because of health reasons.”
“What?” Eli asks, taken back. “Really? What truly happened between you two?”
“Such matters will not be discussed here,” the commander replies. “But I will say that we ended up having a bit of a disagreement with recent difficulties.”
“Then who will make the decision for her?” Terek questions loudly.
The commander turns to look at Terek. “That power now falls with me…And because of that…I will have your wife released once the doctors confirm that she is well enough…You can visit her if you like…I was never going to carry out the plans for torturing her for information that simply doesn’t exist…I knew she was telling the truth, but the sergeant is too stubborn to acknowledge it.”
Suddenly, all of the tension that was smothering us just a few seconds over completely vanishes. We can breathe again a little easier. Eli looks to Terek and nods. Terek releases Gallagher who stumbles and Lena helps stable him. The commander notices him and the blood, and Lena explains that he’s hurt. Commander Jed orders one of his men to assist him to the infirmary. As Gallagher is taken away, Terek approaches Commander Jed.
“Thank you,” he says sincerely.
“No need for that,” the commander says flatly. “Now, if you would return your weapons, we will be out of here and never speak of this again.”
...
Two days pass. The tension eases amongst everyone, but slowly. Sondra is supposedly recovering well, from what I hear. And the boy, Gallagher — he’s doing okay too, on crutches now. Although I would assume his pride has been smashed to pieces due to being shot in the leg with an arrow. I haven’t seen Sondra yet, though. Hopefully, I would get the chance to soon.
Eli remains awfully quiet though. More so than usual. I wonder where they are keeping Cari, because I haven’t noticed her walking around anywhere in the facility. What truly happened between them? To the extent they would take such secure cautions not for her to be seen, at all. I know they got into a serious argument. But about what? Enough that landed Eli a black eye, but why would she want to defend her brother as vile as he is? It doesn’t add up. Something’s missing here. But what is it?
There’s more to this than what I can guess. There has to be.
The following morning, the third since the vault raid, I wake up to a sound that I don’t immediately recognize. As I blink, I can begin to understand. My eyes widen. Crying. A woman’s heartbroken sob.
It’s Lena.
Why is she crying?
I turn on my side, searching to see if Eli’s in our small cement room too. He’s not. Getting up, I approach Lena cautiously.
“Leave me alone!” she barks, hearing me move, and I’m stunned. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never heard her talk like this — so harshly. Tears instantly burn my eyes. It hurts me to see her so upset. I can already feel my palms sweating too much.
Lena lifts her head, turns, and glares at me with bloodshot eyes. I’m spluttering. I don’t know what to say.
“Are — are you okay, Lena?” I ask, and immediately think myself stupid. Of course she isn’t. But it’s the courtesy of the principle I suppose. My eyes flash around the room, as she remains unresponsive looking away to the wall numbly. She just sits there, broken and silent.
“Where is Eli?” I ask, and she flinches. This has to be why. Something’s terribly wrong.
“He’s gone,” Lena says, as if she doesn’t even believe it herself.
“What do you mean, ‘gone?’” I’m awfully confused.
“I mean just that, he’s gone,” she snaps heatedly. “He left me…Packed up and left during the night.”
“Are you sure — ”
“OF COURSE I’M SURE!” she bellows, and I jump, startled. “I — I — even asked the commander about it…And he couldn’t even look at me when he answered…”
“Did he leave a note or anything? To let you know where he’s going?”
“Why would he leave a note, Rian? Why would someone leave a note behind to people he doesn’t want following?”
“I don’t know,” I admit, sullenly. “Just thinking, I guess…He had to have good reason not to…It wouldn’t be like Eli otherwise.”
“Yeah,” she says shaking her head excessively. “I know exactly why he left without so much as a goodbye…He doesn’t want any of us to get hurt…Everyone he’s ever cared about is now dead…He didn’t want that happening to us.”
“That means he must have gone after Judas…Do you think he could have gotten a lead?”
“It’s possible,” she says quietly. “And that would only be from Cari…She’s the only one who would know anything…”
“Then maybe you should try and talk to her? Maybe, she will tell you where he went?”
“I don’t trust her,” Lena argues.
“Well, neither do I, but like you said, she’s the only one who would know anything…”
“I’ll think about it,” Lena says.
“Well, if you decide to…I want to go with you.”
“Rian I don’t think — ”
“No,” I refute, “I want her to know how wrong of a decision she made about Sondra and the rest of the survivors…The people she killed in cold blood…”
“You can’t completely blame her — For all we knew they were hostiles — ”
“But it was her order,” I clarify.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right…Alright, I’ll let you know when…Until then, don’t mention any of this to your sister.”
I nod, understanding. I sit down next to Lena, feeling her warmth, and comfort her with a hug. I wouldn’t want her to know about any of this, for now. Reluctantly, Lena responds, embracing me back. I tell her I’m sorry.
“No,” Lena says, as we separate. “I’m the one who is sorry…I shouldn’t have yelled at you…You were only concerned…I hated you had to see me like this…I hate being like this.”
“I know.”
Her brow crumples, wondering.
“It’s because,” I explain, “I’m the same way too.”
“I think they’re serving breakfast in the mess hall,” she says, changing the subject. “You should probably go and get something to eat.”
“Why don’t you come too?”
“I think I’m going to stay here for awhile.”
“Alright,” I say, and return to the mattress where June and I sleep, and wake my sister. She rubs her eyes drowsily. I tell her we’re going to get breakfast. She nods and eventually follows me out of the room.
They’re keeping Cari in one of the windowless sublevel storage rooms, as a holding chamber. Lena and I find that it’s guarded by an armed soldier upon arrival, Commander Jed leading us. He had reluctantly agreed, but agreed nonetheless. Lena had been very persuasive in wanting to talk to Cari. I wanted to ask why Cari’s isolation was so harsh but I decide against it, considering how solemn faced Jed is, I doubt he’ll say much, if anything at all.
I occasionally feel the handle of June’s dagger hidden in my pocket; I had asked her if I could borrow it awhile back. I wasn’t about to go into the lion’s den without a little protection. Who knows what Cari could do; she might be unstable. She might attack Lena…or myself, for that matter. I have to have a Plan B. Some means of protecting myself. If it meant killing her to save Lena, or me, so be it. But hopefully things wouldn’t come to that. I doubt they will, but the past has taught me much differently.
The locked door is opened, and we walk into the holding room’s dim light. It takes my eyes a minute to adjust to the lack of light, but we can see Cari clearly enough. Or I least think it’s her. She looks nothing like herself. She has horrible posture, slouching over her dar
k hair, bedraggled, covers her face that’s sinking, as she stares at her feet, sitting cross-legged on the smooth ground. She has been stripped of her usual neat green uniform, and instead wears a white tank that’s stained with what looks like dried blood and sweat; dark ruffled pants cover her lower half. She still has the boots and they’re just as shiny as ever. I can even see our reflections in them, distorted, as we approach her warily. Well, at least her obsessive mannerisms aren’t all completely lost.
She doesn’t even look up or acknowledge we’re in the same room. Strange. Cari continues to look at her feet, breathing heavily, as she’s somewhere else altogether.
“What the hell happened to you,” I blurt; I couldn’t help myself.
Lena gives me a look, and I shrug. She rolls her eyes slightly, and turns her attention back to Cari, who finally lifts her head so we can see her face. I nearly gasp. Gaping at us obscenely is a crude bruise along her lower jaw and around her left eye. Dried blood cakes itself about a corner of her mouth. One of her eyes is puffy, purplish and nearly swollen up, the other is sickeningly bloodshot. I can only stare, beside myself. Lena is just as stunned.
Cari’s nostrils flare in annoyance, but unexpectedly she starts laughing. It’s no ordinary laugh. It’s a mad uncontrollable laughter. Laughter of someone’s who has gone nuts. “I figured you would show up sooner or later,” she finally says, apparently ignoring me.
Lena moves closer, her eyes determined. “Then you know what I want.”
Cari laughs again; this time smiling maniacally as she does so. “Maybe,” she mutters. “Then again…maybe, I don’t.”
“Oh, I think you do,” Lena says, crossing her arms. “Something happened between you and Elijah, and you’re going to tell me what, and where he is going.”
“Last time I checked,” she says, cocking her head, “I answered to no one except myself…Especially from a whore like you. You have no power over me.”
“That’s where you’re wrong,” Lena says and she bolts, striking out an arm, lighting fast. Her hand grips itself around Cari’s neck; and wide-eyed, Cari gasps as Lena pulls her upright, rushes, and slams her against the wall, knocking the breath out of her. Cari gags, horrified, and my body tenses immediately. I’m speechless. I quickly look to the door to see if anyone noticed, but nothing happens. They don’t open the door at all.
Lena smirks quietly, telling Cari, “See? They don’t care what happens to you…You’re dead to them anyway. So as I see it, you have one option here…You’re going to tell me what I want to know…Choose your words wisely.”
As soon as Lena lets go, Cari reaches for her neck, heaving in air, stabling herself. Flush-faced, Cari glares at Lena for a moment. I’ve never seen Lena like this before. So violent. I didn’t know she had it in her. “And what if I don’t,” Cari hisses.
“Then that will be poor decision making on your half,” Lena says, shrugging.
“Fine,” she says belligerently. “It’s not like it’s going to do you any good anyhow…Elijah wanted to know where my brother has been hiding…He’s made that clear enough since you lot have arrived here…Granted, I don’t approve of what my brother did…In fact, I consider him a monster for it…But it still doesn’t change the fact he is my brother…I feel somewhat obligated to protect him…So I didn’t tell Eli where he is, not at first…For both of their own sakes…I know my brother, Lena…He’s a dangerous man…But that wasn’t a good enough answer for him, something I seeing is pretty common with the both of you…So he forced me to tell him what I know…and that isn’t much…I don’t know where my brother is exactly…But I have a good idea.”
“And where’s that?”
“Last I heard he went northward from here, toward Glacier…but he could be anywhere around those parts to be honest.”
“So that’s where Eli told you he was going?”
Cari laughs again, spitefully. “Told me? You’re an idiot…He didn’t tell me anything…He only looked at me like a madman before he stormed off…presumably leaving to go after him.”
Cari then begins another crazy bout of laughter, so much so I think she’s done for, and my and Lena’s best course of action for now would be to leave. There’s nothing more we could get from this basketcase. But Lena doesn’t stir; she remains there cold and still as a statue. “What is so funny?”
“What’s so funny?” Cari mocks. “Even if Elijah does make it there…And finds Judas…He doesn’t know what he’s getting himself into…He’s good as dead.”
“You don’t mean that,” Lena says fiercely.
Cari does nothing but continue to laugh and laugh and laugh. So much so my ears end up ringing with it. I can’t take it anymore. Lena just shakes her head. “Come on Rian, let’s go…There’s nothing more we need from her.”
I nod, and just as we turn around to leave, Cari stops us saying, “Oh, and Lena…if you should find your boyfriend, and if he’s still alive…Tell him that I was right.”
17
THE PLAN
“IT’S DIFFICULT TRYING TO piece together what actually happened, when everything happened so quickly…In those moments I couldn’t think…I could only act; and I had to save my children first and foremost…I didn’t care if I died as long as they were safe…And I — I — failed…I failed as a mother…I couldn’t save them. I — I wish it had been me…God, I wish it had been me…Maia was so young —and Mikael too — both of them so young and bright, and beautiful…And now…
“I’m sorry Rian…Lena…I’m sorry you have to see me this way…I keep trying to go back and play it over it in my head…Searching desperately for how I could have done things differently…But I never can…It’s all just this confusing blur and it scares me every time…I can’t breathe…I can’t think…I just feel lost…Empty and cold…Why am I — a thirty-eight year old woman who has seen plenty enough days of life still living when my children are not? I can’t find an answer to that…I don’t know…I’m still in that dark place.
“Don’t tell Terek this, but I almost decided to kill myself. I had a gun, loaded, held in my mouth ready to shoot and end it…But I couldn’t do it…I couldn’t save my own children that I birthed into this world and I couldn’t even take my own life because of it…I know for my children I needed to live on…Their deaths couldn’t be in vain…But how could I justify their deaths? Against Infected? They’re like animals…They just do things…Eat — eat — eat people and don’t even know what they’re doing other than fulfilling a need…
“I’m sorry I’ve been talking so much…I just needed to get it off my chest…Ever since our journey from the city…Which felt like an incredibly long one…Banding together and taking over their vehicles wasn’t exactly easy, but after the Infected onslaught…The Ravagers didn’t stand much of a chance…Not with all of us Survivors having escaped…
“But this agony…It’s been building inside me like a house of cards and one day I knew it would all collapse...I guess it’s finally happening…I’m losing myself…I’m losing what little sanity I have left and I don’t know what to tell Terek…
“It’s like he’s looking at a ghost every time he looks at me…It breaks me inside…What am I supposed to do? How do I fix this…I know I can’t fix this. Nothing can fix this. Sure, time will pass…And the pain will ease, but it will still live inside me as long as I live…I just can’t talk to Terek like I used to…God, I’m so grateful to have him again…But now…Where do we go from here? How do you go on after events like this? Are you even supposed to? Does it mean anything if we do or don’t? I’m sorry…I’m rambling again…Thank you Rian…Thank you Lena for listening to me…”
I’m standing at the side of Sondra’s infirmary bed as she lies on it, her back and bandaged leg both propped up with multiple pillows. She was out of the woods so far as medical concerns with the wound, but as for her state of mind…Right now, that’s questionable. But aren’t we all guilty of that? I chew over Sondra’s words, staring intensely into the space
between us.
Lena is across from me; she is holding Sondra’s hand tenderly. So, I do the same. Sondra smiles radiantly. She has such a nice smile. A smile that is just too infectious not to feel warm inside when you see it.
“I don’t want you ever thinking this — what happened back there in Cheyenne — was your fault, because it wasn’t,” Lena comforts Sondra. “…By no means…As for the rest…You are still here for a purpose; you’re meant to be here…I don’t know why without your children…But as horrible as it is…There is some to purpose to it…But I haven’t found the answer either, Sondra,” Lena says, and tears finally escape her reddened eyes, buried for so long. “You’re not alone in losing children…My daughter, Lilly, was also taken from me…”
