by Shey Stahl
For so long I had this version in my head of what I needed, or who I thought my sisters or mom expected me to be. And even when I met Josh, there was a perception that I was that girl. The one who conformed to who they needed me to be.
But then I met Brevin Chase.
And the girl I was with him, that girl was me.
When I made it to the door, Brevin spun me around, his arms wrapped tightly around my waist as he pulled me in for a kiss.
I let him, giving myself to him in that moment.
Our lips parted and I pressed flush against his chest. I felt his heart pounding in beat with mine, calling to him.
How could I let this go?
When he drew back, his face was composed at first, maybe a trained indifference he was holding onto. He kept his hand on my cheek and leaned into me. His facial expression was nothing I had ever seen before: conflicted with emotion.
There was also a desire burning beneath it that I recognized because I felt it, too.
He leaned in closer and before I could react, his lips pressed to my forehead. “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
“Maya Angelou?”
Brevin swallowed, a tight nod dipping his head forward. His eyes remained on mine, blinking slowly. My tongue danced behind my lips savoring the taste of him on me.
With a sigh, his hand dropped, and then I turned to leave.
There was a reason why I messaged Brevin, and there was a reason why he answered me.
But there was a reason why I left, too.
When I looked back at him, it was harder than I thought it would be.
Standing outside Josh’s house, I didn’t want to go inside.
Adrenaline and fear rushed through my veins, my head pounding with the anxiety, the need to run away from him and anything associated with his life.
I never wanted to go inside the house ever again. Flashes of Sutton took over. The thought was revolting and the bile, the anger, the mortification that I let someone use my body in that way made me want to vomit.
I screwed my eyes shut, overwhelmed by the emotions flooding through me. How could I have been so blind for it to have gone so far?
With trembling hands, I pushed open the door. Josh wasn’t in the bedroom and every light in the house was off, thankfully. I grabbed a bag and anything else I could fit in there as quietly as I could, intending to get the rest some other time when I wasn’t rushed.
After gathering my clothes and keys, I tiptoed through the house to lay the front door key on the counter and saw Josh sitting on the kitchen floor, in the dark, drinking.
For a moment, he looked like a lost child, unsure of life, his wants, and the way he was living. Everything was now in question, as it should have been.
When I looked at him closer, the fire outside near the dock lit up his features. Red-faced and slouching, a bottle of tequila was in his hand. He started speaking before I even asked him to.
“I was in college at the time, sophomore I think. I had been seeing this girl Quinn for about a year. I loved her. Very much,” he admitted, looking like he really was going to vomit when he took a drink of the tequila straight from the bottom.
I hoped he did vomit.
I hoped it made him so sick that he puked for days and felt like he was dying a slow painful death because that was exactly how I felt right now.
“Only she was…a slut in many ways. One night I found her in her dorm room fucking another guy. Two actually.” He chewed on his bottom lip and looked at the bottle in his hands, pulling together scrambled thoughts. “I didn’t say anything. I just watched. At first I was disgusted…pissed…but then I watched her. The way she moved, all of it. My emotions were all over the place. I felt insecure, in love with her, and turned on. I was so hard I couldn’t believe it. When she noticed me, she didn’t stop. Instead she started fucking them harder, all the time with her eyes on me. I guess I just…wanted that. It became something like a fantasy for me. She was fucking them but yet, I was watching. It seemed forbidden. And that was the thrill.”
My throat became thick and tight the longer he spoke, the sting from the stitches making itself known as the medication waned. “Did you guys break up after that?”
He sat up, straighter. “We did for a while and I watched her get fucked by nearly the entire football team. We broke it off not long after that.” He finally looked at me and deep down a fear I knew was always there inside of him, presented itself like the monster it could be. I don’t think Josh ever wanted to be like this. I think it just happened to him. “But an addiction had formed. You see, in my world, I was king,” he said quietly. “It didn’t matter who they were with, I was in control. And with you, no one could have you completely. I had you.”
And that was why he had the rule. He always had to be present to be in control.
Chewing on his words, his eyes glazed over, emotion’s threatening to take over. “I never meant to let him hurt you like that. I’m sorry. I’ve hurt a lot of people I cared about recently and hurting you was by far the worst.”
“Who else?” I knew what was coming. I just wanted him to say the words.
“Jeb,” he admitted, looking as if he wanted to vomit again. “I had been sleeping with Addison without him knowing. For months.”
Though I shouldn’t have been surprised, the admittance still hurt, sending my pulse racing and my gut twisting in knots. I thought about Jeb and how he took it. He trusted Josh just like I had. And he was handed lies, betrayed and left to deal with it.
My lips trembled but I didn’t let up and forged ahead. He needed to know how I felt. “I don’t need to understand it, or you. And you shouldn’t have to. What happened tonight never should have happened. Yes, I should have been honest with you about Brevin, but I wasn’t. It happened and I didn’t do it to hurt you. With Sutton, you intended to let him hurt me. I have no excuse for falling for Brevin. I don’t. But I need you to understand that it was never to hurt you.” My lips parted and I waited, collecting my thoughts.
He looked hurt by my confession. Maybe thought I’d actually stay with him but he had to know this lifestyle wasn’t me.
“I hope you find what you’re looking for, Josh.” When my voice cracked, it was clear the pain hit him in the chest. He winced, realizing I would never be the one.
He blinked, his eyes on mine, sorrow drowning out the bloodshot blue. “Bye, Logan.”
I sighed and was relieved this was over.
I didn’t belong with someone like Josh Daniel.
“I want the tapes. And the tape of Ashley.”
Josh gave a nod outside to the glow of the fire pit. “They’re all out there.”
I believed him. His face twisted in apology, but his eyes, they were dark with the realization this was over for us. There would be no getting me back now.
Did I hate Josh?
I hated what he let happen to me.
Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted a family, kids and the career. In a way, I wanted what I didn’t have growing up.
Brevin made me see there was nothing wrong with that.
Josh made me see I wouldn’t have that with him. Maybe he could have given it to me, but I wasn’t sure he was capable of it.
I missed Brevin. I knew what I was to him. Now, weeks later when I hadn’t heard from him, I was more aware of it. What we had together was real. He taught me parts of this world and life that no one else ever could, including heartache.
By leaving, I taught myself how to live with that. Older, not necessarily wiser, I learned from this.
I moved out of Josh’s place the very next day and in with my mother. Lasting only two days there, I rented an apartment in downtown Olympia two blocks from the shop. I couldn’t live with my mother even if she paid me.
It felt good to be on my own. I needed it to discover myself. You never knew what you were capable of until you were forced to do it on your own.
I understood that more than
ever.
Still upset by what went down with Josh, I refused to let it control me or give that night another thought.
Wasn’t it Eleanor Roosevelt who said, ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’?
That applied to me, right?
It wasn’t that I didn’t think of Josh, and Brevin. I thought about them both and what each one of them had taught me about myself.
Being with Josh opened my eyes sexually and helped me discover what I wanted. He showed me a world I never knew, educated me on my own desires. You’d be surprised how much of yourself you find when you realized how vulnerable you were in the midst of lust.
And then my thoughts would immediately shift from Josh and that night where he ruined it all, to the man who was there to catch me when I fell. The man who was there all along in the shadows showing me that just because I had been opened to a lifestyle, didn’t mean I had to live it.
In reality, Brevin and I weren’t anything we should have been. We were a secret, a private message that started with a “Hey” and ended with, “Give me some time.”
Brevin hadn’t done anything wrong. I knew that now.
What he did was show me how to be myself in the strangest ways, like humping a damn pole in front of him.
Though I didn’t love Josh, both he and Brevin had a hold on me, in very different ways.
Brevin, well, I couldn’t just turn my thoughts or emotions off from him. He had this intensity about him, wrapped around those dark eyes that refused to release their hold on me.
He was that guy you fell in love with and then simply fading out of love wasn’t an option. Your thoughts were controlled by him like he poured cement around you. And until you could wiggle a little, create some cracks around the cement, there you’d stay until he allowed you to be free.
My problem was, I wasn’t free.
I might never be. Not from him.
STEVIE WAS ON vacation for the week, which meant I was all alone. She was now on spring break on Lake Havasu. I could just imagine the trouble she was getting herself in to. The thought made me smile as I stocked the display case full of my newest treats, key lime pie cupcakes, complete with lime zest.
The door chimed with a customer and I looked up to see Jeb standing there, jeans and a hoodie with a hat pulled down. My breath caught in my throat, unsure if he was here for Josh.
Josh knew I wanted nothing to do with him, ever again. What he did, the revenge he wanted over me, wasn’t something I could forgive him for. He let Sutton rape me. It was a deal breaker in the most heinous of ways.
Jeb’s palms raised as he walked toward me. “I didn’t come here for Josh.”
Drawing in a heavy breath, I relaxed and nervously set down the tray in my hand. Jeb approached the counter, two feet from me and I saw the sadness in his eyes. He’d been hurt badly by Josh too.
At first, he didn’t say anything. It then I began to wonder if he was waiting on me to say something. His hard-working hands buried deep in the pockets of his jeans, his eyes low as if he wasn’t sure what to say himself. He had to have known what happened between Josh and me. But then again, maybe he hadn’t if he and Josh weren’t talking.
Swallowing over my anxiety, I stared at him. “I heard…” The sadness in my tone drew his eyes from the counter to me.
He knew what I was referring to, his brow pulled together. “Yeah.” Reaching up, he removed his hat and ran his hands through his rumpled mess of thick dark hair. It was evident he was tired, and sad. “I had a feeling it was happening but then again, I guess…in a way I was prepared for it.”
“Prepared…how?”
“You don’t live a lifestyle like that and not know how easily it can go south.”
Jeb was absolutely right and it was something I feared from the beginning. Whenever someone else joined you in the bedroom, you ran the risk of it backfiring. It was so…taboo. That lifestyle was appealing to a lot of people, the freedom it provided and the security to know you still had that solid relationship. But did you really?
At what point did you draw a line and say, that is off limits?
Was anything off limits when you had an open relationship?
“Josh made that rule that he always be in the room,” Jeb began, his gaze back on the counter, leading into something I knew I needed to pay attention to. “And I know why he had it. But the sad thing was, that rule never applied to him.”
“Would you like some coffee?” I asked nervously. There he was spilling his guts to me, I had to do something.
Jeb nodded and leaned into the counter, waiting. I made him a mocha with our new espresso machine and slid the cup across to him. Taking the cup in his hand, we sat down at the table next to the display of cupcakes.
“I’m sorry,” Jeb said, speaking with hesitation, his voice seeming shaky around the words.
“For what?”
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry a girl like you got wrapped up into all this.”
“What do you mean wrapped up into this? I wouldn’t say I regret anything that happened. Just what happened in the end with Sutton. I don’t regret what all of this taught me.”
“Sutton was the guy?” Jeb groaned, his eyes wide. “I knew it’d gotten out of hand but fuck, Sutton?”
“You know him?”
“Yeah, I fucking know him.” He gave me an expression that spoke more of the past than I knew of. Secrets and lies I didn’t even want to know. “What did he do to you?”
“I’d rather not say, or relive it, but I’m sure you can guess.” I rubbed the spot on my neck, still healing where the stitches were removed a few days ago.
“What a fucking piece of shit.” Jeb pushed his coffee away, the thought of drinking it suddenly revolting to him. His elbows rested on the table, palms covering his face. “You know, he knew about you and Brevin, but I never thought he’d take it that far.”
“Well, he did.” I wanted the conversation away from that night, far away from it but I knew I needed to talk about it in a sense of healing, I suppose. “Are you…still friends with him?”
“I’m not sure what we are anymore. I trusted him with my girl, and then discovered the two of them had been hooking up when I wasn’t around. He had no right to be angry with you, when he was doing the same thing. I…” Jeb swallowed, his pain evident by the way he squinted and his brow drew together, face contoured and etched in despondency. “I knew he had something with Addison. I didn’t mind they connected but the fact that they had to do it without me, alone, why? We were all open. They could have been fucking right in front of my face and I wouldn’t have minded one bit. But hiding it… Why? You know, just why?”
I had a hard time with that question because in reality, that was exactly how it happened with Brevin.
Jeb caught on and waved his hand. “It’s different with you, Logan.”
“How so?”
“Because you never intended to live that lifestyle and we all knew it.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re innocent. You want things out of a relationship that don’t happen when you’re sharing your girl with someone else.”
“So you’re saying it was doomed from the start?”
“No, not necessarily, but I don’t believe a relationship is strong enough to survive when it starts out based on a lie. He should have told you before you started having sex, or at least early on.”
“Yes, he should have.”
Jeb relaxed into the chair. “I feel like I’m talking in circles here. What I’m trying to say is there are people who can have these types of relationships. Take Addison for example. She is a very sexual woman. She wants it day and night, no matter what. There’s nothing wrong with that. But to be in a committed relationship with someone, and only them, that was never her. I knew that going into it. I only asked that I be aware of what was going on because I wanted to have the freedom to sleep with other women.” He winked at me, smiling a softly. “Lik
e you. And I never once thought of marrying her. I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to get married and neither did she. We were happy the way things were going. But the problem is, you both have to trust one another and be completely open for it to work.”
“And she wasn’t?”
“No, she wasn’t.”
“Can I ask you something?” He nodded, immediately so I continued, “When you were in Canada, and Addison was with you…” I swallowed, unsure I wanted to hear the answer but deep down I wanted to know. I felt guilty about the way everything played out with Brevin and I guess I needed to know how much Josh really did lie to me. “When Addison…” I struggled to ask it, but Jeb remained patient, though he knew exactly what I was about to ask. “Was Josh with Addison?”
Jeb’s eyes dropped from mine to his hands as they wrapped around the cup, his weight shifting forward leaning on his elbows. “Yes.”
“So after I asked him if he was having sex with Addison without me there—and he said no—he was lying, wasn’t he?”
He nodded somberly. “Yes.”
Jeb’s admittance rolled in my head as I stared at the front door, absorbing the information. A frisson of uncertainty passed through me, not because of the fact that Josh wasn’t faithful, but because I didn’t care.
“I shouldn’t have been surprised by it.”
“Sadly, no, you shouldn’t have. I will say that up until you found out about his way of life, he wouldn’t have sex with anyone but you.”
“So noble of him. Faithful for a month. Must’ve been hard.”
Jeb sighed and then pushed back away from the table. “I need to get going. I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”
“Are you still working with him?”
“Yeah, I own shares in the company. And believe it or not, he’s my friend. Yeah, it’s a shitty fuckin’ thing he did but that guy’s the closest thing I have to family.”
I understood and I would have never asked him to think differently about Josh. Ever. But it made me wonder if he and Addison were still together. “Are you and Addison…” I let my words trail off, hoping I didn’t have to ask the question outright and he’d get it.
