‘Charlotte …’ he hesitated then hurried on, ‘Are you telling me you’ve reached twenty-seven and you’re still a virgin?’ Her face flamed and she tried to pull away but he wouldn’t allow it so she looked down instead but he saw her nod.
‘You are?’ he breathed. ‘By all that’s wonderful! I can’t believe it.’ She looked up in surprise and saw his eyes were shining but his expression was tender.
‘How can you think that’s wonderful?’
‘You were away at boarding school, and abroad … I assumed, well, I suppose I thought you knew all about such things. If that’s not the case then what made you decide you would never marry?’
‘How shall I know if I’m frigid and unfeeling, like my mother? I have never had the chance to find out. Oh Josh, you have taught me how to trust, can’t you teach me how to love?’ Josh drew in his breath, wondering if she realised what she was asking of him. ‘I don’t want to be like my mother. I don’t want to be married. I couldn’t bear to have a husband who sought whatever he needed from someone else if I’m fr-frigid.’
‘Oh Charlotte! Dearest Charlotte …’ Josh pulled her into his arms and held her against his chest. She could feel his heart thumping against her cheek but he turned her face up to his and his kiss was no longer that of a close friend, it was that of a lover, searching and probing and moving down her neck to the edge of her dress and returning to her mouth. Charlotte found herself responding whether she willed it or not and when Josh removed her bolero and trailed his lips over her shoulders, nudging away the thin straps, then back to her lips before moving down and down to the swell of her breasts, easing her dress lower and lower, she clung even closer.
Her legs were long and tanned from the summer weather so she had not bothered with stockings. Josh reached to her feet and pushed off her sandals; his long fingers moved over each toe, over the soles of her feet, then began moving up her leg and down to her feet again. It was amazingly erotic and Charlotte wondered how she could have so many exciting nerves tingling in her lower limbs. He laid her back against the cushions of her long sofa but his eyes held hers as his hand moved over her knee and up to the silky skin of her thigh. His breathing quickened as she parted her lips, eager for his kiss and whatever else he offered.
‘Are you sure this is what you want, Charlotte?’ he asked. ‘You know the first time may be a little painful?’ She didn’t know. According to her mother every time was a disgusting discomfort. But she knew Josh made her feel wonderful and she wanted more.
‘I trust you, Josh. I want … I want you.’
‘Aah …’ Josh gave a long sigh of satisfaction and eased her onto the thick woollen rug before the fire. They were the words he had longed to hear and almost given up hope. He began to undress her, seeing her breathing quicken, feeling her response to his kisses.
Much later he carried Charlotte to the bedroom, leaving their clothes behind on the carpet. It was the first time Charlotte had ever slept beside another human being and she snuggled into him, and thought she was in heaven to be held so tenderly in Josh’s strong arms. He had been right about the initial pain but Josh had made sure she shared the ecstasy which followed. Long before morning she knew beyond doubt just how wonderful it was to be loved by Josh.
‘There’s nothing frigid about you, my darling girl,’ Josh murmured as he drifted into sleep.
In the morning he wished he didn’t need to go to work. He tried not to waken Charlotte as he crept from the bed, but when he turned at the bedroom door she was watching him, a dreamy smile on her face.
‘I didn’t want to disturb you. How do you feel?’
‘Wonderful,’ she breathed and raised her arms above her head in a languorous stretch. She had no idea how inviting she looked and Josh groaned. ‘I need to work today, you temptress, but I shall return tonight, shall I?’
‘Oh yes, yes please, Josh.’ She threw aside the bed clothes and reached for her dressing gown.
‘I’ll cook you some breakfast while you bathe and dress,’ she offered. A little while later Josh joined her at the small kitchen table to the smell of bacon and toast.
‘Tea or coffee?’ Charlotte asked.
‘Tea, please. I could settle for this kind of service every day,’ Josh grinned. He looked up at her and smiled. ‘Any regrets, Charlotte?’
‘None,’ she answered and shook her head for good measure.
‘I’m glad,’ Josh said fervently. ‘You were wonderful.’
‘I was?’ Charlotte said in surprise. ‘Really Josh?’
‘You were.’ He stood up and came round the table, drawing her to her feet and taking her in his arms. ‘Maybe too wonderful. I – er … I know a lot of Catholics depend on the time of the monthly rhythms to prevent them having babies, but it is not always reliable,’ he said, looking down into her eyes and wanting to kiss her upturned mouth. ‘I-I think we shall have to take more precautions if you don’t want babies, especially when you don’t want to get married. We’ll talk about it later.’
‘Yes,’ she nodded, savouring his kiss. Thanks to Libby she knew what to do now. She would not allow anything to stop her from loving Josh now she had discovered how wonderful it could be.
It was the middle of the morning when the telephone rang. Charlotte was a little surprised to hear the voice of Morven MacRory, a young teacher who had done her probationary year at the same school as Charlotte. Morven was one of the youngest to complete all her training. She could have gone further but Charlotte suspected her decision to teach primary-school children had been influenced by her friendship with Donnie Smith. They had been students together. Donnie had been brought up in the Quarriers’ Homes and he had no idea who his mother had been or why he had been abandoned. He had a job as a teacher in a school on the outskirts of Glasgow.
In spite of the difference in their ages Charlotte had got on well with Morven during their probationary year, but they were both teaching at different schools in the city now and Morven wanted to meet again before the new term started. She had been brought up on one of the islands by her grandmother, following the death of her parents in a boating accident. Morven had planned to spend the summer in Glasgow to be near Donnie but her grandmother had been taken ill so she had returned to the little croft to be with the old lady. On her return to Glasgow Charlotte had found a letter waiting for her. Morven’s grandmother had died peacefully three weeks after she arrived home. The neighbours had been kind and helped her clear the croft. In spite of her ability and intelligence Morven seemed naïve and innocent so Charlotte was delighted when she telephoned. She felt affectionately protective towards her, although she was far from worldly herself.
‘Come for lunch,’ she said. ‘It will not be anything special but we can eat while we chat. I have an appointment at half past two,’ she added, remembering Morven’s propensity for chatter. It had taken her ages to overcome her nervousness and contact the family planning clinic so she didn’t want to risk missing her appointment.
. ‘Then I want to go through my work ready for the first day with my new class.’
‘I’ve done my preparation,’ Morven said. ‘I’m looking forward to meeting my new children.’ The amazing thing about Morven was the way she managed to hold the interest of even the most unruly children, although sometimes she didn’t look or sound much older than them. Perhaps that’s her secret, Charlotte thought.
Josh was astonished, and none too pleased when he realised Charlotte had visited a family planning clinic. He had no idea how much courage it had taken for her to keep the appointment. He supposed he ought to be pleased but she had done it without any prior discussion. Was she making sure she would not be forced into marriage because of an unwanted child? He could have sworn he had dispelled her fears of married life and her mother’s myths. It made him wonder whether she didn’t quite trust him. He loved her, and if two people loved each other, and if both were free to marry, surely it was a natural progression to get married. Josh’s views had been broadened du
ring his time in the armed services, when each day might be the last and pleasure had been seized, passions had flared and died. But his upbringing had been a traditional one and he respected Charlotte. He couldn’t take her to stay at his mother’s cottage and sleep with her there unless they were man and wife. In his heart he knew he would never feel fulfilled unless he and Charlotte were married. He wanted to live with her all the time, not just two or three evenings a week, but Charlotte had made her views on marriage crystal clear. She had given him no indication she had changed them, although her responses to his lovemaking were everything he had dreamed of.
Charlotte looked forward to Josh’s visits, especially when he stayed the night. She wished he could stay every night. He had dispelled the impressions her mother had given, impressions which could have robbed her of the joy and satisfaction of being a woman, the rapture of being united with the man she loved. She had taken Libby’s advice so there would be no unplanned pregnancy to mar the spontaneity of their loving, but as time passed she had a niggling feeling there was a flaw in the bright flame of their love. She tried to banish the fear that Josh might prefer to be free to take a wife who would bear his children.
Charlotte accompanied Josh down to Darlonachie for Christmas but she was staying at Home Farm and he was staying in his mother’s cottage. His silence on the drive down made Charlotte uneasy. Did he regret the time they must spend apart as much as she did, or was he growing tired of her?
They were all invited to Langmune for Christmas dinner. Libby was heavily pregnant now but it agreed with her. Her skin was clear and she seemed to bloom like a summer flower. Unlike her mother she had no objection to going to the hospital for her confinement. Doctor Ritchie’s wife, June, was expecting a baby at the end of January so the two of them often went together to the clinic.
Molly was an adorable toddler and Charlotte enjoyed amusing her and singing nursery rhymes for her. She was a bright child and quick to imitate the sounds. She was affectionate too and cuddled Charlotte a great deal. Watching them together Josh thought she was born to be a mother. He wondered whether the doctors had been right to warn her about the effects of the tuberculosis, although he knew it was possible her lungs had suffered permanent damage. He shuddered. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing her. Perhaps he should be happy with the part of her life she was willing to share with him.
‘I don’t know why I didn’t see it before,’ Victoria smiled, coming to sit beside him. ‘Charlotte takes after her grandfather. He was a born teacher. He enjoyed imparting knowledge and he made everything interesting. He was very kind to me; he taught me such a lot. It’s obvious that Charlotte loves children and she’s so patient. It’s hard to believe her mother was such a dreadful person.’
‘Yes, I suppose so.’
‘You’re not your usual cheerful self this holiday, Josh. Is anything wrong?’
‘What should be wrong?’ Josh frowned.
‘I don’t know. Your work, maybe? Are you still enjoying being a lecturer? Living in the city? Don’t you miss the countryside?’
‘Yes, I do sometimes, now you mention it,’ Josh said on a note of surprise. He was tempted to tell Victoria the secret he had kept from them all, including Charlotte, but he bit back the words just in time when she came to join them.
‘I was just asking Josh if he misses the country, Charlotte. He admits he does. The trouble is he wouldn’t get a lecturer’s job down here.’
Charlotte looked from one to the other in dismay.
‘Oh Josh! You’re n-not thinking of leaving Glasgow are you?’
‘I hadn’t thought about it until Victoria asked. I suppose I could always get a job as a teacher with maths and physics …’ Mimi called Victoria away and Charlotte turned to him, her eyes wide and distressed.
‘Oh Josh, I don’t know what I’d do if you moved away from Glasgow.’
He laughed aloud and clasped her hand where it lay on his knee.
‘It was a spur of the moment answer, that’s all, but to be honest I wouldn’t mind going back to teaching and following the progress of the children I’d taught.’
‘Oh? You’ve been so quiet I wondered what was wrong …?’
‘You’re as bad as Victoria. Does that mean you’d miss me if I left Glasgow?
‘You know I would.’
‘Enough to come with me?’ The teasing light had gone from his eyes now.
‘If you asked me to,’ Charlotte said, but before Josh could say any more Mimi and Lachie bounced on top of them both, wanting them to join in a game. The moment was lost.
Morven called to see Charlotte almost as soon as she returned to Glasgow after the Christmas holidays. She and Donnie had spent it together.
‘I’ve got something to tell you,’ Morven said. Her face looked young and troubled, and was she thinner?
‘It sounds serious, Morven.’
‘It is to me. Donnie has bought a motorbike, a big one. He’s always wanted one.’
‘Oh …’ Charlotte felt a surge of relief. ‘Is that so bad, Morven?’ She had a feeling the girl was near to tears.
‘It is when you’ve no money and we’re supposed to be saving up to get married. He’s used our savings as a deposit. He’s paying the rest off in instalments.’
‘Oh, I see …’
‘My grandmother said that was the path to ruin. She said you should save up first until you had the money.’
‘I suppose …’ Charlotte chewed her lower lip, ‘your grandmother was wise. It’s what people did, but not everyone agrees. Maybe Donnie will get to see you more often if he has a motorbike?’
‘That’s his excuse.’
‘Maybe he’ll take you for rides into the country if it has a pillion?’
‘It has, but I’m still mad at him,’ Morven said. ‘You don’t disapprove of Donnie, do you, Lottie?’ She sounded so young and vulnerable that Charlotte wanted to hug her.
‘If you both enjoy it,’ she said, ‘I think it might be all right. After all you’re both young to think of marriage.’
‘Yes, I know.’ Morven decided not to tell Charlotte her other news. She prayed Donnie was right and she would be back to normal by the time they met again.
Chapter Eleven
On a Friday evening towards the end of February Josh drove Charlotte down to Darlonachie to see Billy and Libby’s two-week-old baby son. Libby always kept a room ready for Charlotte so she knew she would be welcome.
‘I’m not as good at cooking as you are,’ Charlotte laughed, ‘But if Billy will give it a try I’ll do the cooking while I’m here to give you a rest.
‘That’s wonderful, Charlotte. I never expected to be so tired,’ Libby said. ‘It’s the broken nights.’
‘What are you going to call him?’
‘Joseph William Crainby Lennox,’ Libby grinned. ‘A big mouthful for such a tot but Fraser has already named him wee Joe and his Great-Granny Pringle is delighted.’
‘If it’s not too cold for him I’d love to take him in his pram and walk him over to the cottage to see her and Josh,’ Charlotte said. ‘Then you can have a nap while we’re gone.’
‘That would be splendid,’ Libby agreed. ‘I could do with you every day. He’ll be warm enough if we wrap him up. Gran has knitted him a lovely pram suit, leggings, jacket, bonnet, and mitts in soft blue wool. Already he wriggles out of the mitts but if you keep the hood up and the blankets well up he’ll be fine.’
‘Perhaps I could phone and say I’m walking over then?’
‘Of course,’ Libby grinned, ‘and no doubt Uncle Josh will walk to meet you.’
They met at the edge of the wee wood. Charlotte made sure the brake was on the pram as Josh took her in his arms, seizing the opportunity for a kiss and cuddle. They were unaware of Mimi and Lachie helping Peter repair a fence on the other side of the narrow strip of woodland. The trees were bare of leaves and the twelve-year-olds had a clear view of them and nudged Peter, stifling their giggles with an effort.
‘Hush,’ Peter said. ‘You’re not to tease. Keep it a secret.’
‘Can’t we even tell Fraser?’ Lachie spluttered with laughter.
‘Not Fraser,’ Peter grinned. ‘He’d be sure to tease. ‘Anyway somebody might catch you at it one day.’
‘They wouldn’t get me being that soft,’ Lachie scoffed.
Polly was delighted to see Charlotte and her first great grandchild.
‘Take your coat off, lassie. I see you’ve taken to wearing trousers like Libby, eh?’
‘These are Libby’s,’ Charlotte smiled. ‘She thought they’d be warmer.’
‘Mmm,’ Josh murmured, running a hand over her rounded hip, ‘and very fetching you look in them too.’
‘Well!’ Polly exclaimed, her eyes almost popping out of her head. ‘You’re lucky you didn’t get your face slapped for being too familiar, young Josh …’ Charlotte blushed and even Josh looked abashed. His action had been automatic and admiring, but his mother had no idea how intimate his relationship with Charlotte had become.
The spring term passed in a flurry of activity. Charlotte met Morven twice in a café for a cup of coffee. Morven arrived swathed in a voluminous winter coat which she hugged around her as though she was cold. The second meeting was on a fine spring afternoon just before the Easter holidays began. Charlotte teased her.
‘I’m saving up for some new clothes,’ Morven snapped, then to Charlotte’s dismay she burst into tears and dashed out of the café. Charlotte ran after her but Morven had jumped on a bus and disappeared. Later that evening she was telling Josh about their meeting and Morven’s strange behaviour when she telephoned to apologise.
Josh guessed the news from the one-sided conversation.
‘You’ve to vacate your digs in three weeks? Whew! Listen Morven, I’m going down to Darlonachie tomorrow. As soon as I return after Easter you must come here. We’ll arrange something, I promise.’ Her expression was troubled. ‘I’ll telephone you as soon as I get back.’
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