by London Casey
I shut the robe and couldn’t breathe.
“I’m sorry, Em. I’m so fucking sorry.”
He took a step and I reached one last time. “Jake. Just answer one thing.”
“What?”
“Was that first time? Since…?”
Jake curled his lip. “That was the first time that fucking mattered to me… you have no idea what you’re doing to me, Emily.”
I curled up with the sheets to my nose, desperate to smell him. I slept in nothing but a t-shirt, my legs straddling what I wanted to be my neighbor. The single father who was doing everything right yet felt like he was doing everything wrong.
I knew what he was doing when he had his head cradled into my neck while he came and kept fucking me.
He was crying.
He was layered with guilt, thinking he did something wrong to someone who was no longer here. And there wasn’t much I could do or say about it.
Just show up the next day and prove that it was okay. And that it could be normal.
I hugged those sheets all night, my dreams taunting me in a way that made me feel like I was a teenager. I woke up the next morning with a tingling in my lower belly as though it had been my first time. I even rolled to my back and reached across the bed, just in case something had changed and Jake had come back.
It wouldn’t have been fair to ask him to stay. Not with Sadie. She had her own room, her own bed.
So did Jake.
I stumbled to the kitchen, hungover from sex and fantasy, poured myself coffee, and wondered about staying at Jake’s house. Being in his arms. In his bed. In their bed. The bed where they…
“Fuck,” I whispered to myself.
I took a sip of coffee.
“Fuck.”
That was the hard part. How to navigate in his world. His world where her memory was real and where her memory needed to be real. For Sadie’s sake. There would never be forgetting or letting go.
Which meant if I really let my heart fall for Jake, I would have to accept that he would forever be in love with two women. I would be the other woman, only winning because, well, I had a pulse.
“Fuck,” I said for a third time.
I carried my coffee to the door.
I opened it to get the paper and jumped back with a scream, spilling coffee all over myself.
“Shit!” Jake yelled, down on one knee.
I felt the burn of the coffee through my shirt, across my chest.
“What the fuck…”
Why’s he on one knee?
Jake picked up a plate of breakfast food and stood. “Fuck, Em. I figured you’d be sleeping still. I didn’t want to ring the doorbell.”
“What did… you brought me breakfast?”
“Sadie insisted,” he said. “Me too, I guess. I couldn’t stand the thought of you waking up alone and having to make breakfast after what happened. Like you…”
“Like I was a whore?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Jake said. “No. I mean, like I used you or something, Em. I wouldn’t do that to you. Or if I did…”
I took the plate from Jake. Scrambled eggs, bacon, two pancakes with strawberries on top.
“This is perfect,” I said. “Thank you.”
“I should have called or something. Invited you over. I’m thinking about all this shit as I stand here like a fucking fool.”
“You’re not a fool, Jake. You’re perfect. And this is really nice of you. Like… really nice…”
I wish I had a free hand so I could pull him into my house. Kiss him. Jump him. Force him to the floor right there in the living room…
Jake leaned in and kissed my cheek. “I need to see you again, Em. There’s a lot we have to talk about still.”
“I agree,” I whispered.
“Plus, I owe you some paint on those walls.”
“Agreed. Hey, maybe next time I can come over to your place. So Sadie is more comfortable. I could… stay…”
Jake pulled away.
Shit. I had overstepped again.
“You should take care of that,” Jake said.
“What? The food? I’ll return the plate, Jake. No worries.”
Jake laughed. “Not the plate, princess.”
“Then what?”
“Your nipple is showing.”
He winked.
I looked down and gasped. Right where the coffee had spilled, it made my damn t-shirt see through. Thankfully it was just Jake there and not neighbors walking by on their morning walk with the dog.
I felt my face turn red.
Jake laughed.
“Funny, huh?” I said.
“I don’t mind at all. I kind of like the combination. The perfect way to start my day.”
I shook my head. “Asshole.”
He winked again and walked away.
I tried to conceal my chest the best I could.
Watching him walk away seemed to give me butterflies. But this time I leaned against my open door and put my head against it. I bit my lip and really started to think things over.
Coffee on my shirt, my nipple exposed, holding a plate of food, I was a mess.
But I felt like I was Jake’s mess. And he was mine.
And that…
Well that just felt perfect.
Dear Everly,
She got sick. I never understood it, but why do people always seem to get sick in the middle of the night? I was lost in sleep - in the guest room - and Sadie came in and threw up all over the floor. Thankfully she didn’t throw up on the bed.
So I woke up to that sound. Then the smell.
I grabbed her and carried her to the bathroom. Dad logic set in pretty fast and I made her stay in the tub when she got sick again. I had her get undressed and I got her washed up. I put her messy clothes into a shopping bag and left that on the floor. I scrambled to get her new clothes and got her dressed as she started to cry, holding her little stomach. Those eyes, Everly. Those eyes are killer to begin with, but when she’s in pain? Or she’s got tears welling up? Forget about it.
I know all fathers say this but with me it’s truer than ever. God help the man who ever hurts Sadie. Because if she comes home with that look in her eyes because of something some guy did to her… it won’t be pretty.
I got Sadie into my bed with a towel on the floor, the bathroom trashcan next to the bed, and a washcloth on her forehead. I got her a small glass of water even though I knew she wouldn’t touch it. It took me a little bit to get her settled. She hates throwing up. Just like you. You both think you’re going to choke or something. You both freak yourselves out when it’s just your body doing its job.
When she fell asleep, I still had work to do. I grabbed paper towels, cleaner, and got to work on the bedroom floor. When that was done, I went into the bathroom. I had to clean and disinfect the tub. That’s when I caught my reflection in the mirror. My eyes fucking weary. Holding a bag of vomit. Holding a bag of PJ’s covered in vomit. And I was doing it all alone. That was supposed to be our job together. Dealing with the bad dreams, the monsters under the bed, the sicknesses.
But I had no time to waste.
I threw out the trash outside. I put her PJ’s into the washer.
By the time I got back upstairs it had been well over an hour since she threw up the first time. And I say the first time because we all know a stomach bug isn’t usually a one and done thing.
Right on cue, every two hours for twelve hours, Sadie got sick. I stayed right there with her, wishing it was me throwing up and not her. Then I started to get pissed off. I figured she picked up the damn stomach bug from the daycare center. The center she was forced to go to because of our situation.
I know, if you were here you’d tell me it was just life. That things happen. That you deal with things. That you move on from things. But I don’t need to hear that hippie shit right now, Everly. I just need you. I need your arms to slide around me and I need your head against my chest. I need to feel you breathing against my neck.
I need to hear all the noises you make when you sleep.
Fuck, I’d take you even sick. All those times you’d demand I shut the bathroom door so I couldn’t see you throw up. Because you thought you looked ugly. I’d have to stand at the door. I’d have to talk to you. You just needed to know I was there. And you knew I would always be there, Everly. Forever and always there.
Also to add: I thought being alone with Sadie when she was sick was hard as hell. But I was wrong. Twenty four hours later, Sadie was back to herself. Kids could rebound so damn quick, it was amazing. She wasn’t happy with me that I had to wash and dry Bo, but I wasn’t going to let those germs sit around. But it was too late. Two days after Sadie got sick, it was my turn.
Right in the middle of the day at work. I was pulling a wrench and it hit me in my gut. I ran to the bathroom at the garage and lost it. That meant I had to rely on Mickey and the babysitter to help with Sadie. Like I was some executive managing a team all the while throwing up every couple hours. And you weren’t there, Everly. You weren’t there to make me soup. To put on crappy movies. To sit on the edge of the bed with that frown on your face. To make me look at old pictures of us to get me to smile because you know how much I hate being down for the count. How much I hate feeling weak.
Dammit, Everly, you know everything about me. I’m not a mystery to you. And you’re not a mystery to me. It’s perfection when we’re together.
So why the fuck was that taken away?
I love you endlessly,
Jake
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Something in Her Eye
(Emily)
“Am I leaving you forever?” she asks me.
She’s confused. I need to choose my words carefully. I can’t mess things up worse than they are. Even though this isn’t my fault. I didn’t make any of this happen. All I did was love them. Both of them.
“Oh, sweetie, it’s not that simple,” I say. “You just have to…”
“I don’t want to go!” she yells.
She jumps from her bed and clutches at my leg. I step back so my back hits the wall. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. Down the hallway I can see to the front door. Which doesn’t make sense. But I see it.
The front door opens.
He’s there, smiling. A big smile. Bigger than any smile he’s ever had with me. He puts his hand out and takes her hand. He pulls her into the house. He points around, staring at her face, waiting for her reaction.
She’s the one who is taking everything from me.
Well, no, that’s not fair.
He’s taking everything from me and giving it to someone else.
She won’t let my leg go. I need her to. I need her to go with her father and forget about me. I can’t be the one she wants but she doesn’t understand it.
I peel her off my leg and drop to my knees.
I won’t cry in front of her. I promise myself this, even though it’s a lie.
I look her in the eyes. “I love you. You know that. But this is right.”
“I love you,” she says. “I want you to be my Mommy! You are my Mommy!”
My heart crushes. “No… someone else is your Mommy. And she’s back. You always said you wanted her back. She’s back now.”
“I don’t want her back,” she says. “I want you, Emily. Forever. And ever. You’re my Mommy! Be my Mommy! I love-”
I sat up in bed and pulled all the covers to my chin like I was a kid trying to hide from a thunderstorm.
The dream was so raw my heart was racing. My mouth dry.
I threw the covers off my body and ran to the window.
I was pathetic but the dream was still echoing in my mind. My mind was in a state of some kind of shock, unable to figure out real versus fake.
So I stood at the window and looked to Jake’s house.
I saw his truck.
The only vehicle parked there.
I shut my eyes.
Last night over a much unneeded glass of wine with Carrie, I thought to myself… if I had the chance to bring her back, would I?
Meaning bringing back Sadie’s mother. Not that I would ever have the chance to do so. But the question wouldn’t leave me.
I was stepping into something…
I shut the curtains and looked at the clock. It was too early to be awake but too late to go back to bed.
So I was up.
I made coffee and sat at the dining room table with it.
I had a notebook with me.
A blank page on one page. Random stuff written down on the next. Nothing that made sense, but then again, everything I had been writing didn’t make sense even though I was told it was great stuff.
That dream lingered with me so much longer than I thought.
While I ate breakfast. While I showered. While I got ready to go to work.
Outside, I went to get into my car when Jake came out. He was carrying a heavy bag with one hand, the muscles of his right arm flexing so powerfully tight. He opened the back of his truck and put the bag into the bed with a loud thud.
“Morning, princess,” he called out.
“Jake,” I said.
He shut the back of the truck and walked right to me. A second later his hand was touching my face. He erased all space between us. He smelled of a shower. Fresh soap. Clean skin. Teeth brushed. He smelled of the perfect morning that I wanted to share with him.
His lips gently touched mine. “Good morning, Em.”
“You already said that,” I whispered.
“I know. I wanted to say it first thing this morning to you. Call you. Text you. But I just… I don’t know.”
I kissed his cheek. “I’m going to be late. I better go.”
“I’ll see you in a bit,” he said.
“Yeah, you will.”
He backed up but kept hold of my hand. “Hey. Why don’t you come over tonight?”
“What?”
“You wanted to come over. So come over. Sadie has been asking when you’re going to have a tea party with her. I could use a break. Sitting on those little pink chairs kills my knees and back worse than being under the hood of a car.”
I smiled. “I think I‘d like that.”
“I’ll make my famous spaghetti and meatballs.”
“Oh yeah?”
“But I’ll tell you the truth, Em…” he leaned in a little. “It’s all from a box and a bag and a jar. But don’t tell anyone.”
I put my thumb and pointer fingers together and ran them across my lips. “Lips are sealed, Jake.”
“Hopefully not too sealed, princess,” he said and winked.
Jake kissed my hand and started to walk away but stopped. He came right back to me. “Hey, what do you do after work?”
“What do you mean?”
“You finish up when the kids get picked up, right?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“I’m going to take Sadie to the babysitter’s today, like I usually do. But then I’m cutting out of the garage. Want to meet up? Grab a coffee?”
“Yes,” I said without hesitation.
I didn’t care what I had planned, if anything. My schedule was completely clear.
A chance to be alone with Jake?
I’d take that any day.
“I’ll text you where to meet me,” he said. “Okay?”
“I love it,” I said.
“You love it,” he said.
We were flirting but doing a horrible job at it. We were leaving words between each other we shouldn’t have been leaving. We should have just said whatever was there.
Instead, Jake closed in again and kissed me.
A soft kiss. A good morning kiss. The kind of kiss we should have had together in bed.
That kiss that became something else.
He was kissing me in public. Right there in the open. For anyone to see.
I reached up and touched his face. Wanting him more. Needing him more.
I opened my mouth to kiss him again.
“Daddy? What are you doing?”
Jake pulled back and turned.
Sadie stood there, holding Bo, a confused look on her face.
“Sadie,” I said. “Good morning.”
“What were you doing?” Sadie asked. “Were you kiss-”
“There was something in her eye,” Jake said. “I was getting it out. Emily was just leaving to go get your classroom ready for the day.”
“Oh,” Sadie said. “I’m going to go get cereal now, Daddy. I’ll see you soon, Emily.”
Sadie spoke so clear and as though she was an adult. She turned, her hair flipping, and she trotted away. Carrying her stuffed unicorn.
Jake lowered his head. “Shit.”
“Jake, it’s okay,” I said. “She didn’t…”
“She did,” he said. “She won’t let that go either. She’ll want to know what was in your eye. Why I was so close. Why it looked like we were kissing. Shit.”
I touched his shoulder. “And is the truth so bad?”
Jake lifted his head and looked at me. I saw the look in his eyes. Maybe it wasn’t that bad in reality, but in his heart…
I tried to think about what to say next. But I had nothing. Anything I said would make things worse.
“I better get back inside before Sadie pours her own cereal. Which is basically just pouring milk into the box and eating the entire damn thing.”
“As if there’s any other way to eat cereal,” I said.
“Right,” Jake said with a smile. “Um… I should just hang at the garage today, Em. Sorry. I’m going to have to figure out how to deal with Sadie on this.”
My heart sank. “Of course. Whatever you need to do.”
“I still want you to come over though. Okay? And be ready for a tea party and Sadie to question you on everything.”
“I’m ready, Jake. Believe me.”
Jake nodded. “You have a good day, princess.”
I will now, Jake. I will now… because I can taste you on my lips and feel you against my body… because I can’t stop myself from falling for you.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
A Face Made of Stone
