by London Casey
So when it came time to face Sadie and talk about where Everly was, I simply told her that angels had to take her for a little while. I implied that Everly was coming back. And Sadie believed it. I knew it because I had heard Sadie more than once tell people that angels took her mom for a little while. There would come a day when I’d have to explain to Sadie that there was no coming back. That we’d have to keep Everly’s memory alive through our hearts. Or whatever other cliché bullshit I could think of to lessen the blow to Sadie’s heart.
Fuck.
Those heavy thoughts meant for a restless night.
At the first flicker of daylight through the curtains, I was awake and got out of the bed. I wasn’t sure if I even got a full hour of sleep.
I zombie shuffled down the stairs and into the kitchen to make coffee. I figured I would make breakfast too. Have something that resembled a big family gathering to try and ease the weight on my shoulders. The way I felt right then… well, I would normally make sure Sadie was cared for and then I’d skip work and get some ink done. When Everly died, I had a half sleeve on my arms and nothing else. Now the tattoos went down to my wrists and to my hands. I had tattoos on my chest, my back, my sides. To me, it was better than going to get drunk and do something stupid.
I stood there and watched the coffee drip.
Everything was changing. So fast, so wild, just the way life intended it to do.
But I was not prepared for what happened next.
“Daddy?”
I turned and saw Sadie standing near the kitchen, one hand rubbing her eye.
“Hey, sweetheart,” I said. “What’s wrong?”
Sadie looked me dead in the eyes. I realized she wasn’t holding Bo. Which was very odd.
“Daddy… Emily’s dead.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
This is the Truth
(Jake)
The words rattled me. And I mean rattled me. I stood frozen for a few seconds as I stared down at Sadie, wondering what the hell she had just said to me. I asked her again and she repeated the same phrase.
Emily is dead.
I had a sick sense of memory go through me.
What happened that day.
Standing there in the garage trying to work on the car. Sadie waking up from her nap. Not really worried that Everly had been gone for about an hour. I told her to go shopping. Get out of the house. Enjoy herself a little. And then a police car showed up. I saw the officer climb out as I held Sadie at the door. I met the officer on the sidewalk and he asked me a few questions before delivering the news of the accident.
“Stay right here,” I managed to say to Sadie. “Don’t move. Don’t…”
I rushed from the kitchen.
“Daddy?” Sadie called out.
I looked back. “Sadie, please…”
“Are you going to flush her?”
“Am I what?” I asked.
“Flush her? Isn’t that what you do with a dead fish?”
“What?” I yelled.
Sadie stepped back. “Emily…”
“The fish,” I said. I lowered my head. I fell to one knee and put my hand on the floor. I whispered, “It’s the fucking fish.”
“Daddy, are you okay?” Sadie asked.
I looked up and she was scared.
“Come here,” I said. “I’m fine. You’re talking about Emily, the goldfish?”
“Yes,” Sadie said. “She’s floating on top, sideways.”
For a split second I felt like exploding. Yelling. Throwing something against the wall. Anything to relieve the wild tension in my body. I thought the worst had happened. Then again, to Sadie, the worst had happened. She lost her fish. The fish she worked so hard to win.
I took a deep breath in. “I’m sorry, Sadie. I’m really sorry about your fish.”
That’s when her chin started to quiver. Then her lips. Then she started to cry.
I pulled my daughter close and held her tight.
This was, in some sick way, her first real experience with death.
That made my heart hurt.
A lot.
A whole lot.
“Here’s what I’m going to do, sweetheart,” I whispered. “I’m going to take good care of Emily, the goldfish. Okay? I’ll make sure she’s taken care of. How about we make some pancakes and we’ll talk about all the good memories with Emily, the goldfish? We can talk about the time you won her from the carnival. Bringing her home. Picking out the perfect goldfish bowl. All the cool stuff inside her bowl. What do you think?”
“Okay,” Sadie said.
Her eyes were big, innocent, laced with tears.
I stood up and felt like the worst father in the world.
At that exact moment I saw Emily coming down the stairs.
Our eyes met and I saw her face drop.
I walked away from Sadie and went to Emily.
“Good morning?” Emily asked.
“Not so much,” I whispered. “The goldfish died. So I have to go tend to this.”
“Oh, no. Not Emily.”
“Yeah, Emily,” I whispered. “Gave me a fucking heart attack because…”
“Oh, Jake,” Emily whispered. “You thought something happened to me?”
“I don’t know what I thought. My heart is pounding. And my daughter is devastated.”
“What can I do to help?” Emily asked.
“Kiss me.”
Emily kissed me.
“Good morning,” I said. “I’m going to go double-check that the goldfish is dead. Then I’m going to make pancakes. We’re going to talk about all the good memories with the goldfish. Then I’m going to flush it.”
I took a step and Emily touched my face. “You’re a great father, Jake. This means a lot to Sadie.”
“I’m sure it does,” I whispered.
As I walked up the stairs, I told myself that this was the worst part of the day. I’d get Sadie through this. We’d end up outside, playing, laughing. Hell, I would even take her to the pet store and let her pick out a new fish. Whatever one didn’t need some fancy tank with a filter and shit.
The day was going to work out just fine.
But I was wrong… I was so fucking wrong.
We spoke about our memories. I flushed the fish. I emptied the fishbowl and cleaned everything out. I put the fishbowl under the sink and stood there, catching my breath a little. The sting of guilt that went through me sucked. But I would deal with all that mess later.
Outside, I saw Emily and Sadie sitting together on a blanket. They were having a tea party picnic. That was what Sadie wanted and Emily was there to help. I was seriously thankful for Emily for the entire day. I was able to focus on one disaster at a time while she kept Sadie happy and having fun.
What I didn’t know or realize was that the conversations they were having were deeper than anything my daughter had ever experienced. So deep that Sadie didn’t really eat dinner. I didn’t think much of it, it had been a stressful day for her. She took her nightly shower, Emily brushed her hair, but when it came time for bed, Sadie wanted me and nobody else.
Emily kissed my cheek and said she’d get us a couple drinks and sit on the deck. We both deserved it and I definitely agreed with that. Figures we’d all have a day off and it would turn into that. But that was life. At least I had Emily with me during the entire day.
I sat on the edge of the bed and tucked Sadie in.
She looked over to her little bookshelf, the top of it now empty.
“It’s okay,” I whispered. “I told you, we can get a new fish when you’re ready. This time you don’t have to worry about throwing ping pong balls.”
“I liked that night though,” Sadie said. “Riding the train with you. Eating cotton candy. Meeting with Emily. It was a good night, Daddy.”
“It was a good night,” I said. “And we have that memory. For the rest of our lives.”
“So Emily is gone forever, right?”
“Yes. Emily, the goldfish.”<
br />
“So… that means Mommy…”
Oh, shit.
“Sadie,” I said. “It’s getting late here.”
“You said angels took Mommy.”
“Yes, I did.”
“The angels can’t bring her back,” Sadie said. “Emily said that doesn’t happen.”
“Emily, the goldfish?”
“No. Emily, the girl. The one you kiss. The one I really like.”
I turned my head for a second. “Emily told you…”
“She said that when the angels take you, it’s forever. You never get to come back. I thought you said Mommy could come back.”
I saw the way Sadie started to get excited. Scared. Confused.
It was all my fault.
“Sadie, listen to me,” I whispered. “Today has been a hard day. I’m so sorry your goldfish died. What happened to Mommy was really sad too. And, yes, angels did come and take her. It hurts sometimes to think about that, right? We think about her, just like we did with your goldfish. We always think about her. That’s what makes her come back to us. Through our memories. And you, Sadie, oh, sweetheart, you look just like her.”
“So… she’s never coming back?”
I felt my throat close. The truth was there. The truth that would cut away another piece of innocence in my precious daughter.
“She’s never coming back,” I said, finally admitting a truth that I had stored away for years. “I’m so sorry, Sadie. But the thing is this. We have so much of her. I have you. You’re her twin. You have me. I’m the guy who could tell you any story you want about her. We have pictures. She decorated your room. There’s so much we have of her, Sadie. And I know it’s not the same as having her here… but in life, we have to appreciate what we have.”
“I don’t like it,” Sadie said. “I thought someday angels were just going to bring her back.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” I said. I touched her cheek. “I wish that were true. And if I made you think that, then I’m so sorry.”
“Daddy, are you crying?”
I blinked fast and turned my head. I let out a small growling sound. I hadn’t cried in front of Sadie ever. Ever in her life.
She sat up in bed.
She put her arms around me.
I slipped a hand around my daughter and shut my eyes.
I let the tears fall without care.
That was the exact moment we both realized Everly was never coming back. No matter how much Sadie believed in angels or how many letters I wrote or how long I avoided the master bedroom.
Everly was never coming back.
I hugged Sadie and rocked her until she fell asleep.
I knew there was a world of questions waiting for me, and that was okay.
I put my daughter down on her pillow and kissed her cheek.
I left the bedroom and sucked in a breath, gritting my teeth.
I should have just stood there for hours, days, whatever I needed to calm my racing thoughts.
Because my next plan… it was time to start over.
“I was starting to get worried,” Emily said with a grin as I walked out to the deck.
I glanced over at her house.
My options were right in front of me.
I knew right from wrong.
But I didn’t give a fuck.
“You told my daughter her mother was dead and never coming back?”
I knew the tone. I knew the words. I knew the way it sounded.
It was all on purpose.
“What?”
“You told Sadie her mother was never coming back.”
Emily stood up. “I… she was asking questions. About angels and the goldfish.”
“And you told her about Everly?”
“Didn’t she know?”
I felt my lip curl. “Christ, Emily, you fucked everything up. I never told her exactly what happened or why. I couldn’t rip her fucking heart anymore than it already was. That wasn’t your fucking place to do that to her.”
“Jake, I didn’t know,” Emily said. “I swear. I didn’t say anything wrong. Just the truth…”
“Fuck your truth,” I spat.
Emily stepped back. “Jake…”
“No. I fucked up. I know that. I should have told Sadie the truth a long time ago. That’s on me. But this? This is on you. All you needed to do was be there for her. Be her goddamn friend. Not her mother!”
Those three words slipped out.
I wished I could have ripped them out of the air before they hit Emily’s ears but it was far too late for that.
Her eyes went wide. And they quickly filled with tears. I thought about what she had been through already in her life. With some other guy and his kid. The guy took off with his kid back to the kid’s mother, leaving Emily high and dry.
But I wasn’t doing that though. Emily had done this. She had stepped over a line.
“Wow,” Emily whispered. “So that’s how it is…”
“Don’t twist this on me,” I said. “That’s my daughter up there. I had nobody when Everly died. NOBODY. So I just did what I thought was right. Even if I knew it was wrong. But that’s on me. That’s not your job, Emily. I never asked you to do that.”
“You never told me,” Emily said. “And why would you do that to her? She’s so confused…”
“Don’t tell me how to raise her,” I growled. “Ever.”
“Okay. Fine. I’m just going to call it a night, Jake. I’m so sorry. I never meant for this to happen. Not to Sadie. Not to you. Not to us.”
“But you did,” I said. Jake, words. Stop. Stop right now. “You knew exactly what you wanted and how to get it.”
“Excuse me?” she asked. Now her nostrils were flaring.
Why did she look so pretty when she was pissed?
“You heard me.”
“Are you really throwing something I said to you in private in my face? Taking my fucking secret and using it against me?”
“It’s the truth,” I said.
“Fuck you, Jake. I bought a house. I didn’t come looking for you.”
“I said it before… maybe you should sell it.”
“Fuck you,” she said louder. “Maybe you should sell your house. Get over yourself. Asshole.”
She was spitting fire and I was doused in gasoline.
The flames sparked and I had the sudden urge to kiss her.
Instead, I let her walk away.
Emily charged off the deck and across the yard to her own house.
I heard the door echo as it slammed shut. I saw lights turn on and then turn off. She must have stormed through the house and upstairs.
All I could picture then was her on her bed, crying. Hugging a pillow. Because of me.
But I wasn’t wrong.
Fuck no, I wasn’t wrong.
I grabbed the beer bottles and slammed them to the ground. Glass and beer spraying everywhere. I lifted up Everly’s chair and flipped it over. I grabbed the cushion and ripped it in half, puffy shit falling like fake snow. I growled, grunted, cried like a baby, punched the house, hurting my hand more than the siding.
I ran from the deck to the yard and down to the stupid apple tree. I had no light other than my cellphone. I shined the light and stomped on every little stupid fucking apple I could find. Until I couldn’t breathe. Until I felt like my chest was caving in. Until I grabbed for the tree and leaned against it for support. I slowly fell to my knees. Sobbing like a damn fool. Slamming my fists to the ground.
And I asked one question… a question that nobody could ever answer.
Why?
I sat with my back against the wall in the dining room. Three empty beer bottles on the floor next to me. A photo album open on the floor with pictures of me, Everly, and Sadie when she was a newborn. My right hand throbbed from punching the house. I still tasted cloth fibers from the cushion. And my fucking shoes smelled like I had stepped in applesauce.
On my leg was a business card.
On my other
leg was my cellphone.
I looked to the photo album.
A picture of Sadie in the kitchen sink getting a bath. Everly standing there, beaming as the beautiful mother she was. I remembered that night in detail. Making a mess, Sadie hating being in the sink. Getting Sadie dressed, feeding her, and getting her down to sleep. Everly then flirting with me wanting to know if I wanted to bath her. I told her she wouldn’t fit in the sink. Then she touched under my chin with her pointer finger, pulling at me. She kissed me and whispered ‘in the shower…’
It ended up being a long night.
I reached and shut the album.
I had the picture. I would have it forever.
I grabbed my phone and dialed the number.
I was surprised when Tom answered my call.
“Tom, it’s Jake…”
“Hey, Jake,” he said. “Haven’t heard from you in forever. How’s it going?”
“I think I’m ready now. Um… I mean, you can tell me what you think.”
“Ready… okay…”
“I know I was back and forth last time,” I said. “I never thanked you for your patience. It was a hard decision. Then and now. But it’s time for a change. A new beginning, Tom.”
“Right. Of course. I, uh, I can come by tomorrow if you’d like.”
“I’d like that,” I said. I looked around the room and swallowed hard. “It’s time to sell this house and start over.”
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Reality is For Sale
(Emily)
I broke his stare
his eyes shatter like glass
a fist against the mirror, no more reflection
Words that fell
my knees to the soft ground
mud as evidence
our hearts and future stand, on trial
Your touch I miss
ghostly and cold
barely even touching
i shiver in the heat
the heat that’s still there, between us
Come home, to this home
