Heavy pressure pushes against my ribs, all while a warm feeling spreads within me.
I’ve always sensed it, her want, but her confirming it is a thrilling, torturous kind of feeling, a confusing type of pain I’m not sure I was ready for.
“The night I found Kellan and Liv in bed together, it hurt more than I’d expected it to. I kept thinking what I could have done to keep his interest in only me.”
She goes quiet a minute, and I don’t dare interrupt. This is a piece of Kenra I never understood, and I don’t wanna miss a word.
“That next day, after the game … after you asked me to come to you that night—which I had every intention of doing—Kellan came to me. I had a moment during the game. Kellan had my brother run his old play with one of the receivers, and it went well. I found myself smiling, happy for him … and then Liv ran over to the sidelines where he was helping Coach and all but jumped on him. I started to cry instantly and was moving to leave. Well, apparently, he had walked off the field the same time I stepped off the bleachers because, all of a sudden, there he was, lifting me up and carrying me off. Before I knew it, he was mine again.”
“He treated you real bad, Kens, cheated on you with your best friend.”
She nods, still looking out over the city. “Yeah, he did. And that hurt, but I was young and dumb and easily manipulated by everyone. By then, I already couldn’t have what I really wanted, so taking him back didn’t demand much thought.” My brows slope at that, but she continues before I can ask what she meant by it, “I believed all his nonsense about his early college courses and the stress it caused. Believe it or not, but I hadn’t slept with him at that point, and I guess I convinced myself that it was somehow my fault.
“But, after that night, everything changed for the better. He was kind and gentle, so attentive. He’d come to my house, and we’d spend time with my family when he used to complain about how he hated it there. Everything that had been bad before was suddenly perfect.
“You asked me before if I loved him. At that time, I thought I might.”
I bite the inside of my cheek, my fists tightening around the railing until my knuckles turn white. I have no idea what I’m supposed to be thinking right now, have no fucking clue what I’m supposed to feel. Relief, regret, anger. Fucking gutted from all of it.
“I never shared the good with you because …” She hesitates. “Because I didn’t want you to stop spending time with me. I was afraid, if you knew there was more good than bad, you’d ignore me when I wanted to see you. When I needed you. I know it was stupid, and I was wrong.” She turns to me then, but I look away. I’m not sure what she’ll read in my eyes right now. “I knew deep down you’d be there, no matter what. It’s just who you were, but I couldn’t risk losing you.”
A low, sad laugh leaves me, and I bend at the waist, my hands holding on to the ledge as I hang my head. “But you did risk it, Kens. Every day, every time, every night. You were in his arms. In his bed.”
“I know,” she cries softly. “And I regret every minute of it. You want the truth? I hate my life. Hate myself,” she admits.
I turn to her, my chest heaving, my body heavy.
I go to step closer, but she quickly steps back, fiercely shaking her head. Refusing my advance.
She’s already shared more than I ever thought she would. It’s still hazy, and there are still many holes in her story, but she won’t be sharing anything else tonight; I’m sure of it.
The last thing I wanna do right now is leave this rooftop and drive home, but Payton needs me there even if she won’t admit it, so I wrap my arm around Kenra’s shoulders and turn her shell of a body toward the gate, and together, we walk back to the room for our things.
Once we’re in the truck, Kenra covers herself with my small cab blanket and closes her eyes.
And I’m left with my thoughts as I fight the holiday traffic, trying to hit the bridge before the fireworks begin.
I planned to finish dinner tonight and then walk the pier a bit before heading back to our hotel. The rooftop was always part of the plan. I figured we’d order anything we might want from the bar or room service, and then we’d relax and watch the fireworks together.
She’d lie against me, tucking her body into mine, and it would be pure torture.
Fact of the matter is … she’s promised to someone else. Has a date set to marry another man.
I never should have brought her here, never should have shared a bed with her.
But the biggest problem I’m having is with myself and the fact that I don’t even feel the least bit guilty for it.
She might be his as far as labels go, but I live inside her, just like she does me.
In my bed or his, it doesn’t matter.
I refuse to ever see her as anything other than mine.
The smell of coffee has me peeling my eyes open. I grin at Lolli, who’s sitting Indian-style at the foot of my bed.
“Morning, sunshine,” she whispers with a smile, slowly sipping her coffee. “Time you get in?”
I rub at my eyes, twisting to look at the alarm clock beside my bed, seeing it’s just after six thirty a.m. “’Bout four hours ago.”
“Oh, good, that’s plenty of sleep for you. Time to talk.” She wiggles against the mattress, and I laugh lightly, shifting onto my side to look at her.
“I give Nate three minutes, and then he’ll be in here to drag your ass off my bed.”
“I was just running. I decided this whole waking up early thing has it’s perks; the entire fucking house is still out for the count.” She smirks. “Why do you think I’m whispering? I’m buying time here.”
I laugh lightly but when it’s followed by a sigh, and she pokes her bottom lip out in a pout.
“Damn.”
I nod. “Yep.”
“So, we just … wait for today to happen and go from there?”
“I think that’s all we can do at the moment.”
“Your eyes are heavy, Hero. She laid a weight on you while you were gone. I can see it.”
I smile at my friend, telling her without words that she’s right, but I can’t give her much more. She gets it, gets me, like always, and nods.
“Payton up yet?”
“Not yet. She had a weird pregnant day yesterday, so I guess she’s extra tired; I don’t know.”
“What do you mean?” I prop up on my elbow. “What happened?”
“I made breakfast ’cause, duh, it’s my thing, and as soon as she walked into the kitchen, she straight vomited on the fucking floor. And then in the sink. And then all damn day. Dude, she couldn’t even eat a plain-ass bagel. I thought maybe she was dying or something, so I kinda, um …” She trails off, squishing her lips to the side.
I can see the confusion mixed with worry in the way her eyes are pinched. “Kinda what, Lolli Bear? Kinda got scared and kinda wanted to help her, and you have no idea why?”
She narrows her eyes before laughing lightly. “Well, pretty much. It’s like I don’t even know her, but I feel connected to her, which is just fucking weird, considering, one, pretty sure she hates me, and two, I don’t, you know, do feelings and shit.”
I bark out a laugh, and she uncrosses her legs to kick me with a glare.
“Lolli, you didn’t used to do feelings. That was pre-Nate. Now, you’re like a real girl.”
Her jaw drops, and she gasps, making me laugh harder.
“Kalani!” comes from down the hall, and she clamps her mouth shut, her eyes widening in humor. “Baby, get your ass off another man’s bed and back in the one I’m lying naked in.”
When my face scrunches in disgust, she raises an eyebrow.
“That’s what you get for that real girl comment.” She shifts to stand, smiling softly at me. “Also, a man like you, honorable and just flat-out good, can’t possibly fucking lose in the end. There’s still time on the clock. Make it happen, captain.” With that, she winks and walks out.
I call out, “See? Real girl
!” I know damn well she’s flipping me off on her way down the hall.
I slip from my bed and quietly walk through the house, finding it as quiet as Lolli said. I grab a water bottle from the fridge and drop onto the couch. I close my eyes, letting sleep pull me back in.
“Payton!”
My eyes peel open when the pounding begins, not letting up for a second.
One by one, everyone files from their rooms.
Nate stomps down the hall, nodding at me with a frown. There’s blame in his eyes; most likely, he feels some sort of betrayal over my and Kenra’s little trip. I’m betting it’s more from her than me.
“What do we do?” he asks, waiting for me to make the decision.
We both turn when a wide-eyed Payton walks around the corner from the kitchen.
“Payton, open the door!” Deaton shouts, frantic. “Please open the door. Please.” He pounds again.
“Peep”—I hold my hands out—“talk to me. What do we do?”
Nate and I turn when Lolli squeezes between us and makes her way to Payton, who seems frozen in place.
“Payton,” she whispers in a gentleness I’ve never heard, but Nate must have because his chest puffs slightly with pride for his woman. “He sounds worried. Maybe we should let him in, if only to show him you’re okay.”
Payton’s eyes fly from the door to Lolli’s to mine. She jumps when the pounding starts again. “Open it,” she tells me.
Lolli shifts to stand beside her.
I nod, and the second I pull the door open, Deaton Vermont sags against the frame, his hair crazy and sticking everywhere, collared shirt a wrinkled mess.
“Please tell me she’s here. I’ve …” His voice cracks, and he swallows. “I don’t know where else to go. She just … she disappeared and—”
“Deaton …” Payton speaks low from the same place she stands.
A cracked chuckle flies from him, and the second I pull the door open enough for him to spot her, he briefly squeezes his eyes shut, before he rushes to her.
His emotions get the best of him as he wraps her in his arms. Instantly, she starts to cry.
“Baby, I didn’t know what had happened. Suddenly, you were gone and—” His voice cracks, and he hugs Payton tight against him. “I thought your mom … why did you leave me there? I would have come with you if you wanted to run away. I would have come. Anywhere. I love you.”
“Deaton, please.” Payton pulls away, and his arms flop to his sides.
“Talk to me. Tell me what I did. I’ll fix it. I promise you.”
She cries harder, shaking her head.
Lolli catches my eye, asking silently if we should leave, but Payton shoots her eyes my way, asking me to stay.
“You can’t fix it,” she whispers.
He steps closer, but she pulls back, and the clear shock pales his face.
“What’s going on?” he whispers, and I almost feel for the guy. “I don’t understand …”
“I …” She squeezes her eyes shut. “I’m pregnant.”
Deaton freezes but only for a moment before he gives her no choice of pushing him away. He bends and scoops her in his arms, deciding this is a conversation they’ll have privately. He walks forward, out the sliding glass door to the patio where we all watch him gently set her on a cushion, and then he drops in front of her.
“Come on, guys.” Lolli hits my shoulder and pushes on Nate’s chest. “Let’s give them some privacy. That has to be an awkward-ass conversation.”
“I think it’s cool. She’s a complete part of him now; she has his blood running through her.”
“She’s sixteen,” I remind him.
Nate shrugs, looking from them to me. “Still pretty cool.”
I look to Lolli, whose brows are creased as she looks at Nate, but she turns before he can see it and heads for her room.
Nate looks from her to me and then follows her down the hall.
I stand there, waiting for the oldest Vermont to make it through the door, but he never comes. I even go as far as looking out the window, only to find an empty rental car.
I glance at Payton, who has her face buried in Deaton’s shirt, and then head for the shower.
Kellan could still show. Today could still be Kenra’s last day here with me.
And I have no idea how to handle either of those possibilities.
“You need to talk, Baylor.” Nate steps up beside me, looking out at the girls as they dip their toes in the water.
I sigh. “Not sure what you wanna know, man.”
“Are you and my sister having an affair?”
Emotional affairs are still affairs, right? But does it count when there’s no love in the committed relationship? Only hate and lies.
“I don’t know what I should say to you, Nate, but I’m gonna go off the bill here and tell you I might need your help.” I look to him, and his scowl deepens.
“I’m gonna need you to keep talking, Parker.”
“Tell me you don’t see something off with her.”
“Course I fucking do,” he scoffs. “Thought it was Kellan, but now, I’m wondering if it’s you fucking with her head. The guy who lost his shit and punched me in the face because he thought I’d hurt Kalani.”
“I punched you in the face because you disrespected her,” I remind him.
The edges of his eyes pinch as he looks away.
The time he’s referring to was just after he thought Lolli had cheated when Liv set him up to think so, and he made a shitty comment out of hurt.
“I can’t even think about any of that. It kills me. I start remembering the thoughts I had about her, the doubt I felt, and it fucking sickens me, man. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for that.”
“You guys both made the wrong moves when you decided not to talk it out, both learned from it, and are stronger because of it. That’s how relationships work.”
“Right.” He sighs and then turns back. “Back on track here. What’s going on?”
“Your sister means a lot to me, Nate. Always has. She and I grew close over the years, just behind everyone else’s eye.”
“Why?”
“I don’t really know.” I shrug. “At first, it seemed strange, and then after a while, it just felt like ours.”
“Fuck, dude.” He scrubs his hands down his face. “You love her, don’t you?”
I look away, not answering him. I’ve never even said that to her. I’m sure as hell not about to say it to him.
“Tell me what’s happening.”
“I can’t lay out all her problems, but I will tell you, she’s not happy.”
“If she’s not happy, she would fucking leave.”
I nod, watching Kenra watch the others enjoy the sand as she stays a few feet back, her shoes and socks still on. “The Kenra I know would. The Kenra you know would.” I turn to him, and his features harden. “So, why won’t she?”
“You trying to tell me this rich prick is somehow keeping her trapped with him?”
“It’s the only thing I can think of.”
“I’ll kill him.”
“Precisely why she doesn’t want you or your family to know.”
“Shit, man. I’ve gotta think on this a little.”
I look at him. “I understand.”
“What about Deaton? Do I need to fuck him up? If he makes Payton cry—”
“No, no. From what I heard, he’s good to her. Course, I’ll pay close attention, just in case.”
“Yeah, me, too.” Nate nods.
I suppress a grin. I can tell he’s feeling protective over Payton, and I appreciate it. But I can’t tell him that his soft sides showin’, or he’ll tell me to fuck off.
He walks back toward the house, stopping to glare at Deaton and Payton, who have made a spot for just the two of them a few feet down the beach.
“He getting all He-Man on her?”
I laugh at Lolli, who smiles at Nate. “He’s trying not to.”
“Yea
h,” she sighs. “I think he wants to keep her.”
When I laugh harder, she nudges me and then follows after Nate.
I make my way to Kenra, who smiles as I approach.
“The water isn’t too bad, you know.”
She nods, looking out over the ocean. “It looks refreshing.”
It’s a risk, but I bend and start unzipping her little boot.
“Parker—”
“Come on, Kens. I only have you for a little longer. Trust me.”
I hear her small gasp but don’t look up and continue pulling off her shoe and then sock. The second her foot hits the sand, she sighs. I get the other off, smiling when her toes instinctively curl into the sand.
I stand, and she inhales deeply. I hold my hand out, and she looks to it, watching as she slides her palm into my mine.
Together, we walk to the edge of the water. She tenses a bit when we hit the wet sand and then smiles as her feet start to sink just a bit, laughing lightly when the water comes up and washes over the tops of her feet, splashing lightly at her ankles.
Her eyes grow glossy, but her smile is still here.
“I don’t know how you do it, but you always manage to pull me from my reality and into a brighter one.”
“It would always be brighter, if you allowed it,” I tell her, and her eyes tighten at the sides, her gaze not leaving the water. “I’d make it my mission to see you smile, hear you laugh, as much as possible.”
She breathes deep. “I haven’t felt the sand on my feet in years. Probably since the last time we went floating, and that was more creek-water dirt. This is so nice.”
“Kens … it won’t be long before everyone realizes you never take off your sweaters, and I haven’t seen you wear shorts or a dress either.”
Defenseless Hearts (A Tender Hearts Novel Book 2) Page 13
