Somewhere Among

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Somewhere Among Page 11

by Annie Donwerth-Chikamatsu


  While Obaachan is out on errands,

  I pull the step stool

  into Great-Grandfather’s room

  where Mom and Little Sister and I will stay together.

  I am still too short to reach the ceiling.

  I get the long-handled shoehorn

  peel a star from the paper

  place it on the tip

  climb the step stool

  and stick the star to the ceiling.

  In the afternoon light

  it looks a little messy

  but at night

  the starry, starry

  ceiling brightens the room.

  I wish I had put them upstairs

  where I am sleeping now

  but while Obaachan bathes

  I sit under the starry ceiling

  and wait for Little Sister

  and Mom.

  SOMETHING FOR JIICHAN

  At breakfast I tell Obaachan I want

  to brighten Jiichan’s hospital room

  with flowers from the garden.

  I don’t ask to spend money.

  Cosmos are finishing their bloom.

  Obaachan looks disappointed in me.

  “A flower might disturb his roommates.”

  Disturb?

  “Allergies,” she says. “You must think of others.”

  HEARTACHE

  In music class,

  my brain is out of sync

  I am not getting the fingering

  of a tune on the pianika.

  Masa isn’t either.

  He gets up

  grabs a mallet

  and clinks the length

  of the xylophone.

  Teacher instructs him

  to sit down

  at his pianika

  like the rest of us.

  Three times through the song I can play it by heart.

  Two p.m.

  futon swatting

  keeps the beat with us.

  Throughout the day

  back at home

  balcony by balcony

  futon pounding

  echoes

  the heartbeat of the neighborhood

  I could feel in my chest

  there

  stronger than

  here

  my heart is weakened

  choking back tears for Jiichan’s heart.

  BANDAGING

  Choosing yogurt-drink cups

  bandages

  boxes

  wire

  straws, and

  using paste and paints and clay

  we construct art project number two.

  Sachiko wraps bandages

  around

  yogurt-drink cups

  building a wobbly tower.

  I cannot think what to do with a strip of bandage soaked in watered-down paste.

  My wish for better skill in crafts has not come true.

  I wrap this way

  that way

  it takes shape

  of a heart.

  I paint it purple.

  I can’t tell what Masa is making.

  BRIGHTENING JIICHAN

  Wish I knew how to make origami flowers.

  Jiichan taught me to make cranes

  before nursery school.

  I told Obaachan I wanted to make one thousand cranes for Jiichan.

  “He’ll think we’re not telling him something.”

  He will think he is sicker than he is.

  So while the paint is drying

  on my bandaged heart

  I make one crane

  pierce it

  with a straw

  stick it in a piece of clay at the bottom

  of an empty yogurt-drink bottle.

  Jiichan says “American ingenuity”

  when he sees it.

  His eyes sparkle over his mask.

  HAND TO LIPS

  A squeaky cart stops outside Jiichan’s room

  a nurse sets dinner

  tray by tray

  behind six curtains.

  The coughing patient in the opposite corner

  says he doesn’t need it.

  Jiichan’s not interested

  in the rice, miso soup,

  stewed chicken and vegetables.

  He was doing better on the IV.

  Obaachan picks up the miso soup

  holds the plastic bowl to his lips—

  lips that asked her to marry him by saying,

  Will you make me miso soup?

  the old way of asking to spend a lifetime together

  making miso soup

  as long as they both shall live.

  For the first time since they married

  someone else is making his miso soup.

  A MATCHED PAIR

  Mom and I usually send presents early

  to Grandpa Bob and Nana

  to avoid the Christmas mail rush.

  Obaachan digs through her closet

  presents

  a choice of three

  unopened boxed sets

  of his-and-hers handkerchiefs

  stashed away for emergency gift-giving

  saying

  we will wrap and mail them

  on our way to the hospital.

  I choose the dark blue and pink flowered handkerchief set.

  Of the three, that is the one I think they may like.

  But I have never seen them use handkerchiefs.

  Today is a national holiday.

  Obaachan forgot Culture Day!

  She cannot send them until Monday.

  UNDER THE ROCK

  A list of

  things for me to do

  things for me to get

  things for me to clean

  waits for me

  on the shoe cabinet

  after school.

  Obaachan forbids me to ride my bike.

  She will not budge.

  She says one bad thing can lead to another.

  Especially when you’re worried.

  Keeping busy does not stop

  my worries.

  It only makes me tired.

  Falling asleep

  doing my homework,

  I fall even more behind.

  Obaachan nods off

  during my nightly reading assignment.

  She is starting to crack.

  LOSING GROUND

  No flower heads

  at the top of my papers,

  I sit in at recess

  to catch up on math

  and kanji.

  Never behind,

  I’ve always stayed ahead

  to show I know

  double what teachers think

  I should know.

  Teacher gives me

  a metal ring

  with small blank flash cards

  dangling from it

  and shows me the kanji to copy.

  “Practice where you go,” she says.

  She knows I spend a lot of time

  on buses and trains.

  (I told her our family matters.)

  I am not sure my brain can keep up with flash cards.

  STRETCHED

  Too many chores,

  too much homework,

  too much catch-up,

  I cut corners.

  Obaachan takes the time to notice.

  She yells at me

  clenched teeth, muffled voice

  so neighbors can’t hear

  that I am using the inside broom outside.

  I have been saving steps all week

  instead of

  getting the proper broom from the shed.

  Obaachan will really be mad

  if she climbs the stairs and sees

  I don’t put the futon in the closet every morning.

  MINDFULNESS

  But like Jiichan

  I give each plant

  one after

  one tin cup

  full of water.

  A hose would be e
asier, faster

  but

  I see what he sees

  in watering

  slower

  drizzling gives me time

  to notice leaves

  holding sunlight

  to see leaves

  holding sunlight

  to enjoy leaves

  holding sunlight

  I climb the ladder

  step by step

  into Jiichan’s world

  until Obaachan pulls me down to Earth.

  FUTURE HOPE

  I talk to Grandpa Bob and Nana

  about Miki

  using Miki’s name

  Miki this,

  Miki that.

  Obaachan doesn’t understand English.

  She doesn’t say anything

  after I hang up.

  SILENT TREATMENT

  Over

  the crackle and buckle

  of plastic takeaway boxes

  we picked up for dinner,

  I ask to turn on the TV.

  Obaachan nods; I search for a comedy

  but find the news.

  Ground zero cleanup continues.

  Thousands of people are missing in America.

  Ehime Maru recovery ends.

  One high school student is still missing at sea.

  His bones will not join his family

  under their gravestone.

  “So sad families are apart.”

  No response. Why?

  Using the wrong broom? Naming Little Sister?

  Tonight, the coldest night so far,

  I soak in the hot bath

  too long.

  Obaachan is tired and

  not pleased.

  I scramble under blankets

  to capture the bath heat.

  Cold is a weight

  like heat.

  No sunny room

  no heaters

  no place to get warm

  except the bath and under blankets,

  I am wondering which is worse

  cold or hot

  silence or fussing.

  NOVEMBER 8, 2001

  OUT OF THIS WORLD

  Night and day

  Miki sleeps

  in a glass box

  except when Mom is feeding her.

  Night and day

  Mom feeds Miki

  talks to Miki

  reads to Miki.

  (I like to say Miki.)

  They are in their own world

  together.

  Miki doesn’t open her eyes

  when I read or talk to her

  through a mask

  and the glass,

  but her mouth moves.

  It’s funny.

  Being with them

  is like being on vacation

  from the world.

  There is a gray phone

  for international calls

  in the lobby.

  Mom calls Nana and Grandpa Bob once in a while.

  They need a vacation from the world too.

  GOING ON

  The TV in Jiichan’s hospital lobby

  reports it is an American holiday,

  Veterans Day, November eleventh,

  to remember the soldiers after World War I.

  A day now to remember

  all soldiers of all

  America’s wars.

  It is also the birthday

  of the Ehime Maru Memorial Association.

  A memorial will be built to remember the boys and men.

  What is needed to go on—

  to remember.

  This news is not so stressful,

  but I don’t tell Jiichan.

  Instead I tell him

  Grandpa Bob called to report

  comet debris will hit the Earth’s atmosphere

  with a light show

  next week

  from

  two a.m. to four thirty a.m. Tokyo time.

  Eight thousand meteors per hour!

  Then I realize Jiichan won’t be able to see it

  from behind this curtain.

  NOVEMBER 12, 2001

  ELEVATION

  Under Mom’s pillow,

  the alarm clock beeps.

  So cold I don’t want to get up

  I pull on my coat under the blankets,

  tiptoe through and out

  up the ladder to

  the roof of the porch

  to watch the light show.

  No one else is out.

  Maybe it’s on TV.

  From above,

  astronauts keep watch.

  From below,

  I watch the trailing light

  between us.

  Looks like stars

  are falling from the sky

  but it is just a comet

  falling in pieces.

  No constellations are changing.

  I make a wish anyway

  that everything will be all right

  and remember

  Robert Louis Stevenson’s “Happy Thought”:

  The world is so full of a number of things

  I’m sure we should all be as happy as kings.

  After the towers went down,

  Mom could not hear me recite it by heart.

  Now Jiichan has lost heart.

  To be “as happy as kings” is not so easy,

  but I fill my heart with this sparkling treasure

  hoping to push out the ache.

  NOVEMBER 19, 2001

  THE EARTH QUAKES

  I’m dreaming

  I am nightmaring

  the floor, windows, walls

  rumble

  shudder

  tremble

  like Godzilla is walking up to the gate

  tremble

  shudder

  rumble

  I’m not nightmaring!

  I scramble

  slide the door

  look to see

  the porch light shining

  on Obaachan’s face

  at the foot of the stairs.

  We look at each other

  and step back into shadows.

  At the hospital

  Jiichan tells me

  he didn’t feel the earth move

  but, from the lobby window,

  he saw some stars fall.

  Obaachan is not pleased.

  Jiichan is supposed to rest.

  AFTER SCHOOL

  Coins and a note

  on the shoe cabinet

  tell me

  Obaachan is spending the whole day

  at the hospital with Jiichan

  and

  for me

  to visit Mom and Little Sister.

  ON MY OWN

  I take the bus

  to visit Mom and Little Sister

  studying flash cards

  on my lap

  under my errand bag

  (I don’t want anyone to know I need help).

  Mom is walking

  looking healthier

  stronger

  wondering where Obaachan is.

  I tell her

  hand her mail

  and

  change the subject to

  “This baby sleeps a lot.”

  Her eyes are always closed.

  “Miki is growing stronger,” Mom says, beaming.

  Miki? Really?

  Mom shows me the copy of registration papers

  Papa filed at our city office

  naming this baby, Little Sister,

  the name I found

  on my own.

  TIME TOGETHER

  Mom has two hot canned teas waiting.

  We sit beside Miki’s glass box.

  Mom chats about

  her visitors,

  her phone calls,

  her meals;

  she asks about

  Jiichan,

  my class,

  my time alone with Obaachan.

  I can’t tell her much.
<
br />   I watch Miki

  grow stronger

  while sleeping

  until Mom says,

  “It’s time to go.”

  I say good-bye

  reaching a disinfected finger

  toward Miki.

  Her fingers curl one, two, three

  around it.

  Mom squeezes me

  gets my sugar

  and says,

  “I am sorry we’re not ready to go with you.”

  “Me too.”

  WRONG TURN

  To the bus stop

  I take a street

  lined with gingko trees.

  Leaves,

  heavy like paper plates,

  clink clink

  from branches

  paving the sidewalk

  with gold.

  I click my heels in dance steps

  I would never do with Obaachan.

  MARCHING

  Obaachan returns

  plods through the hall

  stands over me

  leads me

  to the entry hall

  and

  motions to my shoes.

  I know

  to take time

  to turn them

  toes to the door

  after I enter.

  My shoes’ toes are facing the door.

  I look up at her.

  She shifts

  into mad.

  A deep breath tells me—

  gingko fruit!

  Stinky like vomit.

  I tracked in

  more work

  for myself.

  Scrub these shoes!

  Scrub the floor!

  Scrub the stone path!

  Good thing I am used to the smell of vomit.

  FLIGHT

  Cloaked in gray coats

  capped in black berets

  magpies

  flick

  silver tails and

  sky-blue wings

  swing

  electrical wires

  pick

  Great-Grandfather’s palm

  flick

  swing

  pick

  twittering

  same notes

  same notes

  same notes

  flick

  swing

  pick

  tittering

  twittering

  teetering

  between earth and sky.

  I enjoy them from Papa’s window.

  Obaachan bolts from the front door

  shouts and shoos

  them away with the garden broom

  I had left in the entry hall.

  ALONE ON ERRANDS

  I am watching my step

 

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