It felt amazing.
It felt right.
It felt like...home was right here.
‘I’m sorry to interrupt, but we’re running close to time. We need to get you boarded.’ The voice above them was apologetic but firm, and when they broke away and looked up, the girl was beaming a smile a mile wide.
‘I do love a romantic goodbye,’ she told them, and then she looked back at the papers Josh had handed over. ‘I see your return ticket is open ended.’ She beamed down at Hannah. ‘I’m guessing you’ll be back soon.’
‘I... That’s right.’ Josh’s hand tugged her to her feet and she felt herself blushing from the toes up. ‘Very soon.’
‘Well, with this to come home to why wouldn’t you?’ the girl said, not even trying to conceal a touch of wistfulness. ‘Wow,’ she said. ‘All the way to Dublin and back, and your man and your baby to come home to.’ She took Hannah’s passport and did a cursory check. ‘All’s well here,’ she told her. ‘Gate five, boarding in fifteen minutes. I’m sorry sir,’ she told Josh. ‘You can’t go through to the gates unless you’re travelling. But you can kiss her again before she goes through Security.’
‘I might have to,’ Josh told her—and did.
She sat in her unbelievably luxurious seat, she looked out as the lights of Townsville faded behind her and thought, What have I done?
I’ve left my baby with Josh.
With a man she hardly knew.
With a man who’d done so much for her already.
She was already feeling sick about leaving Erin. Her arms felt empty. Soon her breasts would begin to ache, but in first-class luxury she should even be able to use her breast pump. She’d have to keep expressing if she wanted to breastfeed once she got home.
Home.
Where was home?
She was going home, wasn’t she? To her country, to her family, to the people who’d been with her all her life.
Home was where the heart was.
Home was back with those fading lights. Erin. Maisie. Dudley and a litter of tumbling puppies.
Josh.
‘Don’t think like that. Don’t!’ She said it out loud, but in her cocooned luxury there was no one to think she was queer in the head.
He’d kissed her as if he loved her.
Well, that was nonsense. She had herself under control now, or almost. He’d kissed her because she was an emotional mess, because he’d wanted to reassure her, because he felt sorry for her.
Because he was quite simply the kindest, most wonderful guy she’d ever met.
So how could someone like Josh ever want her?
He didn’t want her, she told herself, and she knew it was true. He wanted isolation. He wanted no more ties, and didn’t she come with ties? She’d just landed him with a four-week-old baby to care for. Plus two dogs and four puppies.
She thought of his gorgeous house and mentally compared it with her cramped one-bedroom apartment. He’d go spare. That he was doing this for her...
‘How could I have asked it of him?’ she demanded, out loud again.
‘I had no choice and I gave him no choice.’ She gave up on sanity and talked aloud anyway. ‘So don’t get any dumb ideas, just because he comforted me and kissed me goodbye. I might need him, and he might be everything a great hero needs to be, but I come with baggage up to my ears and he doesn’t need baggage.’
‘Baggage?’ The flight attendant was suddenly right there, with a tray holding water, orange juice and champagne. ‘Is there a problem with your baggage, ma’am? Can we help?’
‘I... No.’ She hauled herself together and thought stuff it and took a champagne—the first alcoholic drink she’d had since she’d learned she was pregnant. ‘Yes, I do have a problem with baggage,’ she admitted to the woman who was looking as if she really cared. That was also professional, she told herself. This woman was doing what she needed to do, as was Josh.
‘I have all sorts of baggage problems,’ she told the attendant, and managed a smile. ‘But I can sort them. They’re nobody’s problems but mine.’
Josh opened the apartment door and carried the tiny, sleeping bundle of Erin inside.
Dudley came in on his heels and headed straight for the laundry door. There was a frantic whine from the other side, Josh opened the door and Maisie launched herself out joyously to greet them.
Followed by four wobbly, wide-eyed puppies.
Josh stood in their midst and gazed around him. Hannah had done her best to leave the place presentable, but she’d been rushed and baby paraphernalia was everywhere. The fridge door, bare when shifted in, was now a mass of baby appointment schedules, to-do lists and fuzzy photos taken with her phone and printed on a low-quality printer.
There was a picture of Josh on his last visit, holding Erin, with Maisie looking adoringly up at him.
He was smiling.
He couldn’t remember smiling. Didn’t Madison say he never smiled?
Two of the pups launched themselves at a clothes horse standing by the window, trying to drag down the edges of a bunny rug. ‘No!’ Too late. The clothes horse collapsed and baby clothes went everywhere. Plus Hannah’s clothes. Knickers, socks, feeding bra...
This felt weird. Far too intimate. Hannah’s world was closing in on him.
He thought of Alice and the pain of losing her. He forced himself to keep thinking, biting on the pain like biting on a bad tooth, testing to see how deep the pain went. So deep.
He didn’t need this. He didn’t want this.
‘So why did I kiss her?’ He stared down at Dudley like his dog might give him some clue. ‘I’m setting up expectations I can’t meet. I can’t let her keep needing me. I don’t want anyone depending on me.’
Why not? Dudley seemed almost to be looking the question.
‘Because I have baggage, and baggage hurts.’
And Dudley wagged his tail as if he totally understood, totally sympathised, and then a puppy grabbed his tail and he turned and growled. And then another puppy grabbed his ear. Maisie headed over to nose the pup on the ear away. Then Maisie’s nose touched Dudley’s and, as if he’d been commanded, Dudley caved in.
He sank to the floor and rolled over. In seconds he had pups all over him. Maisie sank down beside him, Mum having time out, and Josh found himself smiling again.
Erin stirred and woke up, her eyes looking up at him with wide-eyed interest. Maybe a little anxious?
‘Sorry, sweetheart, I’m all you have now,’ he told her. ‘We’re just going to make the most of it.’
And here it came again, the smile. A smile just like her mother’s.
He had baggage?
One baby didn’t care.
Dudley had baggage?
His dog had obviously caved in on that as well.
‘So I guess my baggage is there to be picked up when your mum stops needing me,’ he told Erin, and then he picked up Hannah’s wad of ‘How to Care for a Baby’ notes and stared at its bulk in astonishment.
‘Does she think I’m an idiot? I’m a surgeon. If I can operate on a human brain, surely I can change a nappy.’
But...she was wet. And a man could just check.
‘Okay, let’s get this thing rolling,’ he told Erin, and headed for the change table, collecting wipes, disposing bags and fresh nappy on the way. And the instructions. ‘Let’s just forget all about baggage for however long it takes to get your mum home. Then life can take over.’
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
‘ACUSHLA... LOVE...’
Gran’s voice was so soft Hannah could hardly hear her. She was fading fast. Hannah had been here for two days and she’d spent almost all her time at the hospice. Gran was clutching her hand, and Hannah was blessing everything that had let her be here. Mostly Josh.
All Josh.
‘Show me th
e pictures again,’ Gran whispered, and Hannah complied. She’d managed to connect her phone to the overhead television so Gran could lie in bed and see every image she put up.
She showed the pictures Gran most wanted to see. A baby named for her. Her great-granddaughter.
She had the images on a loop now, so she could talk Gran through them. Erin on the day she was born. Erin’s first bath. A selfie where she’d held her baby while a sea of curious puppies took their first look.
Erin being cradled by Josh.
‘Stop it there,’ Gran whispered, as she always did when it came to this shot. ‘Let me see.’
There was a long pause. Gran’s breath was raspy, ragged, uneven, but her eyes were alive and wondering. ‘Tell me again,’ she asked for surely the umpteenth time. ‘He’s not your babe’s father?’
‘He’s not. You know Ryan left me, Gran, when he knew I was pregnant.’
‘Gobshite!’ she said, and weak though her voice was, the word echoed with disdain. But then her tone changed. ‘But this is Josh. A doctor. He’s a lovely man—you can see it just by looking at him. And you’d be the one holding the camera, the one he’s smiling at.’
‘He is lovely,’ she conceded, letting herself drift into that smile.
‘And he’s waiting for you to come home.’
Home. There was that word again.
Where was it?
‘He’ll make you safe,’ Gran said, gripping her hand with fingers that held far too little strength. ‘I know it. I can see it in the way he’s looking at you. You’ll be loved, my Hannah.’
‘Gran—’
‘Don’t you tell me any different,’ she said, hurriedly, with a hint of waspishness. ‘I know a happy ending when I see one, and that’s what we all need. A happy ending.’
‘And a happy beginning?’
‘Definitely,’ her gran said and gripped her hand harder. ‘I wish it, my Hannah. I wish it for you with all my heart.’
‘Josh?’ The call came at eight in the morning. It was Hannah, and her voice was laced with tears.
‘She’s gone?’
‘A couple of hours ago. I was with her.’
‘Your parents?’
‘No. They’ve visited a couple of times but when they knew I was here... Gran insisted I stay so they kept apart.’
‘You haven’t seen them?’
‘Once.’ Her voice was stilted. ‘Bridget a couple more times, but she’s scared Dad’ll find out. I’ll not be staying for the funeral, Josh. I’m coming home.’
Dammit, what was her family thinking? He wanted to punch someone.
He wanted to give someone a hug.
Instead he moved to practicalities.
‘Your ticket is open-ended. I’ll book you on the next flight.’
‘Thank you. Is Erin okay?’
‘She’s beautiful,’ he told her. ‘Turn your video on.’
‘Not my end,’ she said hurriedly. ‘I’m a soggy mess.’
Dammit, he wanted to see her. What was a bit of sogginess?
‘So’s your daughter,’ he told her, managing to keep his voice calm, and he flicked on video mode and positioned his phone so she could see her baby. Erin had been lying in his bed, having her bottle, when Hannah had called. He’d been thinking he should stir and change her—get dressed himself—but he’d been tickling her toes and somehow tickling took precedence.
Yeah, well, he wasn’t about to tell Hannah that. She’d think he was totally besotted. Which he wasn’t. He was here to do a job. Keeping Erin safe and Hannah reassured.
Only that.
He focused the phone lens on Erin and tickled again. Erin’s tiny face creased into her gorgeous smile again and he heard Hannah gasp.
‘Oh, Josh. Oh, baby. Oh, she makes me feel...’
‘Like you’re nearly home,’ he said, surely and strongly. ‘Two more days, love.’
‘Please don’t call me that,’ she begged. ‘It makes me feel more needful than I really am. Josh, after I get home I won’t need you any more, I promise. What you’ve given me is a gift without price. You’ve been the hero to end all heroes but I won’t be needful for the rest of my life. Will you bring Erin to the airport? We can swap over there, and you can go back to your island.’
‘Is that what you want?’
‘Of course it is,’ she said, making her voice firm. ‘I won’t hang on you any more. I’m strong, Josh, really I am, despite the wimpy-ness you’ve seen. I can get back to delivering babies and looking after mine, and you can go back to your fantastic research. You know I’ve read all about it online? It sounds fantastic, what you’re trying to do. I found your presentation in Boston on your team’s website. The hope you’re giving to paralysis patients...’
It needed only this. She was still consumed with loss—he could hear it in her voice—but within her grief she was remembering the hope on the faces of the patients who’d joined the early trials. He and his team were working to attach neural signals to external, robotic skeletons. They were so close...
His work was critical. He needed quiet. He needed isolation.
Did he?
‘I need to go,’ Hannah said, and he heard aching weariness in her voice. ‘I’ll catch some sleep now but, yes, please, to booking my flight home. But I promise, Josh, this is the last time I’ll ask for help. My need for need is over.’
She disconnected and he lay and stared at the ceiling for a long, long time.
Erin was still soggy, but he was idly tickling her tummy and she was making dumb little cooing noises that signified all was right with her world.
All wasn’t right in Josh’s world. His head felt like it might explode.
My need for need is over.
She didn’t need him any more. That was great, wasn’t it?
Of course it was. The vow he’d made, not to let emotional entanglements lead him anywhere that could cause pain, to him or to others, was surely as strong today as it had been when he’d woken up to find his sister had died.
His non-tickling hand ran over the scar on the side of his face. There was his reminder of the chaos emotional entanglement could bring.
But Hannah... He’d kissed her. He’d called her love.
He’d only done that because she’d needed comfort. She’d needed strength and warmth and practical help, and he’d provided it.
He could keep giving it to her. She still needed...
He stopped. His brain seemed to have hit the brakes and was refusing to go any further.
She still needed?
‘Be honest,’ he told himself, aloud. ‘I still need.
‘I can’t need,’ he said, bluntly across Erin’s tiny murmurs. ‘I won’t put my emotional needs on her. Has history taught me nothing?’
His hand stopped tickling. There was a whimper of protest from beside him and he caught himself. Do what comes next, he told himself. Put emotion aside. Hadn’t that been his mantra for years?
So he did what came next. He changed Erin and wrapped her in a fresh bunny rug. He dressed himself and then carried the almost-asleep baby out to the back porch to check on the dogs. It would have been more sensible to put Erin back in her bassinet for a sleep, but he wasn’t feeling sensible right now. For some reason he needed to hold her.
The dogs were awake. The puppies had tumbled out of their basket, and the moment he opened the laundry door they were all over him.
He sat on the doorstep and fended them off from investigating Erin, investigating him. They headed down to tumble on the now-worn grass.
Maisie and Dudley flopped down beside him. Obviously after a night spent with pups, adult company was welcome.
This courtyard looked like a bomb had hit it, Josh thought. When the pups left he’d have to spend some time fixing it up, replanting.
Would Hannah let h
im?
She wouldn’t. She didn’t need him. She’d said it and he knew she’d meant it.
As he’d meant his oath never to entangle himself again in this thing called love.
When a man takes an oath...he’s holding his own self in his own hands. Like water. And if he opens his fingers then he needn’t hope to find himself again.
At some time during his interminable convalescence he’d read Robert Bolt’s A Man for All Seasons, and these words had resonated. For if he let himself love again then surely he’d lose himself entirely. How could he possibly risk it?
Then Dudley jumped up and licked his face, looking hopefully toward the food bowls. Reminding him of the prosaic. The ordinary.
‘So I’m being a dramatist,’ he told his dog, and took Erin back to her bassinet and fed the dogs and sat down at his computer to check flights from Dublin.
Hannah was coming home.
He needn’t hope to find himself again...
He could drift...anywhere.
Or he could find himself with Hannah. And six dogs. And a baby. And complications and domesticity and a laughing, green-eyed girl who’d won his heart.
He needn’t hope to find himself again...
He texted her confirmation of her flights, leaving the next day so she’d have time to have her sleep out before she left.
She texted back.
Thanks, Josh. For everything. But let this be an end to it.
An end?
Dudley was now lying at his feet, for some reason looking doleful. As if he knew this time of family was almost over?
Family. There was a word Josh had run a mile from.
He raked his fingers through his hair and headed back outside to look at the pups again. They were a suckling mass of sleepy contentment. Maisie looked up at him and wagged her tail and he thought, She’s contented, too.
Dammit, he wanted to share.
Why couldn’t he?
Close your eyes and jump.
All it took was courage.
If it was Hannah she’d jump, he thought. Hannah had courage for both of them.
Enough to share?
Pregnant Midwife On His Doorstep Page 16
