by Ellen Hutton
“What do you usually get here?” he asked.
“I have an obsession with shrimp,” she replied. “I might get something…”
“Oh, that sounds delicious,” he replied, “I should just get what you get”
She laughed which prompted a laugh from him.
They ordered almost identical dishes and soon, they were left alone with wine and bread as they waited for their dishes to come out.
“So, why did you change your mind?” he asked. “You couldn’t resist, huh.”
It was a question that had been on his mind since she first informed him.
“I admit I can’t get you off my mind,” she replied. “I thought it was better we figured out what this was before I completely threw it out the door.”
“I’m glad you did,” he responded.
“Plus, my mother thinks I should give you a chance despite your reputation,” she added.
“You mean the reputation I’ve spent years cultivating?” he asked.
She smiled at him and shook her head.
“No, the one you gained by accident. I don’t think you wanted your reputation as much as you just wanted to be a deviant,” she replied.
Conner was a bit surprised she said that. Maybe it was true; maybe it wasn’t. He just hadn’t met anyone who was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
“I’ve never quite heard it put like that. “So you decided to give this deviant a chance?”
“I decided to give us a chance,” she replied. “If I’m being totally honest, I can’t tell you what I feel for you, but I feel it and if I plan to date, I may as well figure things like this out.”
“Sounds clinical,” he said. “What better should I expect from a doctor?”
He smiled but before he could say anything, the food arrived. He watched her face light up at the sight of the food and he felt good. He loved eating, and he was happy to see that she wasn’t eating sparingly.
“This is delicious,” she said, taking a forkful and slipping it into her mouth. His gut clenched as he watched her slowly pull the fork from her mouth.
“You don’t like our food?” she asked, looking over at him with concern.
“Ah no, I, it’s just distracting watching you eat,” he replied honestly. “I see something I’d much rather have in my mouth than this dish.”
She smiled.
“Alright, let’s talk about something. Ask me anything,” she suggested.
“Why did you choose to become a doctor?” he asked. “Is it what your parents wanted you to do?”
She was silent for a while as if she was thinking of a way to answer the question.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “I think it was my choice to do the hardest thing I could find.”
“Why would you do that?” he asked.
“I’ve always liked to challenge myself. It was never about anyone but I loved the thrill of it,” she replied, “but now, after so many years of competing with myself, I just want to slow down and enjoy life.”
“Is that why you moved here?” he asked.
“Yeah, the hospital was fast and exhilarating, but I felt like a robot. I had no life,” she answered.
“I see,” he replied. “Are you liking the way things have settled down?”
She looked away and then back at him.
“There are days when I miss the rush but then I realize I’m looking for another rush, you know,” she replied, “the rush of falling in love, getting married, having children. It’s different but it feels good.”
He was quiet. He had never felt that rush before and he didn’t know if it was something he wanted right now. Whatever was going on between them may never amount to much and he would let her know.
“I doubt it will happen with you though,” she said as if she was reading his mind.
Although he had just thought it, hearing the words from her mouth didn’t make him feel good. He wanted a family and kids someday, but he didn’t know when. Even if he would eventually get a family, he didn’t see it happening anytime soon. He couldn’t picture her with a family because he couldn’t picture her beyond him.
“We can have fun in the meantime,” she continued.
“Yes,” he replied, feeling a bit uncomfortable, “we can have fun.”
“Tell me about yourself,” she said. “Why did you do law?”
“It’s a long story,” he replied.
“We’ll be here for at least another hour. We have time,” she replied.
“In college, when I thought I was in love, a beautiful woman convinced me to do law so she could have a husband who was a lawyer.”
“Yikes,” she said. “Imagine that…Conner the lawyer.”
He couldn’t help laughing.
“I can tell by the fact that she’s not here that she didn’t end up with a lawyer husband,” she said.
“She did,” he replied. “It just wasn’t me.”
“Is that why you find it so hard to love?” she asked.
He thought about it for a moment, but he knew he couldn’t lay the blame at her feet. She was just another bad decision he had made.
“It’s hard to say,” he replied. “I haven’t lived a life filled with love. I wouldn’t know what it looked like even if it was right before me.”
“I know what you mean,” She said. “I see it in my parents but somehow, I have no idea what it would look like if I ever had the fortune of falling in love.”
They were silent as they looked at each other. Somehow, they had more in common than they had previously thought.
“I guess both of us are doomed in one way or another,” he replied.
“I guess we are,” she said, “but at least you have me to help you through this time in your life.”
She smiled and took a sip of wine. For the rest of the night, they ate and chatted about everything from his childhood to her embarrassing moments. It was so easy to talk to her that he held nothing back, even the darkness of his past that formed a constant shadow around him. At the end of their date, he drove her home and walked her to her door. He wanted to follow her inside, but he decided that he would rather let the date end there. He had too much on his mind and it just felt right.
“I was a great night,” she said, looking up at him as they stood at the door.
“Yes, it was,” he replied.
He lowered his head and kissed her.
“Thanks for the dinner,” she said.
“Thanks for giving me a chance,” he replied.
He lifted his head and looked down into her smiling eyes. She was so beautiful in the moonlight that it scared him to think this was just a phase.
“I should go,” he said. “I have an early morning.”
“Call me,” she replied
He nodded and walked away. There was something here and he wouldn’t let her go until he could look at her without feeling as if his heart was about to explode. Tonight, he had seen a different side of her. She exuded confidence and charm, but he could tell that she still felt self-conscious sometimes. She was a flower looking for love in a world full of bones. Somehow, he felt guilty for having the pleasure to be the one to spend time with her.
Chapter 13
Taylor took another sip of her Sprite to wash back the wave of nausea she felt as she watched the game. She had gotten courtside seats for Conner’s game and she was there with Paige, who had insisted on joining her. For two weeks, their community was aware that she was dating Conner. It didn’t help that the tabloids had caught them going out and had plastered her face all over their covers. She and Conner were navigating their strange relationship, but it wasn’t easy. There were days when she knew he was the man she wanted to marry and spend the rest of her life with, and there were days she was reminded that he wasn’t in this for the long-term. However, she was sure of one thing; she loved the man. She had foolishly fallen in love with the one man who may never love her back.
“This is so exciting,” Paige said.
/>
“Yup,” Taylor replied, once again biting back a sudden bout of nausea.
This had been happening for the last few weeks and she’d been taking a few meds to combat the issue. She was hoping that the sickness wasn’t something she may have picked up from one of her patients. She couldn’t get sick when her relationship with Conner was going great.
“Are you alright dear?” Paige asked, looking over at her with searching eyes.
“I’m getting better,” Taylor replied, taking a few deep breaths to steady herself.
“I’m surprised to see you two working out so well,” Paige continued. “It’s truly surprising.”
“It's not that serious,” she replied. “We’re just having a good time.”
“You can say that now, but you don’t see the two of you together,” she replied. “You practically ooze love and it gets sickening sometimes for us oldies.”
Taylor shrugged. She didn’t know how things looked between her and Conner, but she wasn’t too concerned about it. Pretty soon, they would be over, and she would have to find another guy half as amazing as he was. She let out an exasperated sigh and continued sipping on her soda. They had so much fun, they made love constantly, yet he didn’t seem to want to change his mind. There were times when she looked into his eyes and she saw everything she felt, but then in a flash, it would be gone, and she would be left with sadness.
When the game ended, she was invited for wine in the backroom by Conner’s coach.
“Nice to have you here,” he said as he walked her into the room where the players and their families were celebrating.
“I’m glad you guys invited me,” she replied.
“So, you and Conner… huh,” he said. “I couldn’t have set the thing up so perfectly if I tried.”
“Well it wasn’t really a setup,” she said.
“Yes, but you are the perfect woman,” he replied.
“Thanks,” she said, feeling a bit uncomfortable.
“You’re young, beautiful, and a successful surgeon. I told him to get someone to make him look good, but I didn’t think he would overdo it,” the coach continued.
Taylor stopped and suddenly she felt nausea again. She was having trouble understanding what the coach was saying.
“Oh yeah, I can’t remember what he said about that,” she replied nonchalantly.
“He didn’t explain fully?” the coach asked. “We told him to clean up his act and find a woman to make him look good or he wouldn’t have a good future in the league.”
Taylor was blindsided by the admission and she couldn’t help the bitter taste of betrayal in her mouth. She thought he had told her everything. She accepted the fact that he didn’t want anything serious from her but surely, wasn’t he using her? The thought was so painful, she felt sick.
“Oh, I see” she replied. “Well, I am perfect at that.”
They walked into the room and Conner rushed over to her. She hugged him instinctively, but her heart felt broken.
“Thanks, for coming,” he said, kissing her lightly on the forehead. “You were my lucky charm tonight.”
“I’m your lucky charm in general, it seems,” she replied blankly.
He smiled, and she smiled back but she didn’t feel it. It was forced, and she suddenly felt the need to go home.
“I want to go,” she said. “I need to go home.”
He looked down at her, checking to see if she was fine. At any other time, she would have been impressed at his obvious concern but now that she realized he was using her, she wanted nothing to do with him. It hurt even more that she knew she loved him but he didn’t love her and he never would. She couldn’t tell where the pain was coming from, but if there was ever such a thing as a broken heart, she had it right now.
“Is everything alright?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said, shrugging off his concern. “Things are great, I just don’t feel so good.”
“Sure” he replied. “I’ll go and say goodbye to everyone and then we can go.”
“No, no,” she replied. “You guys won, go have fun. I think Paige is still around, she can take me home.”
“I want to take you home,” he said, “I had some plans for tonight.”
“It’s fine Conner,” she replied. “I’ll call you later.”
Before he could say anything else, she walked out of the room. She picked up her cell phone and called Paige, who admitted that she was just walking into the parking lot. She met her and together, they drove home in silence.
“What’s wrong with you tonight?” Paige asked when they arrived home.
“I’m fine,” she replied, stepping out of the car “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
She was opening her door when she heard Conner’s car pull up in his driveway. Before she could get in, he was at her side.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, taking her arm and forcing her to look up at him.
“I just realized this isn’t going to work,” She said. “I think we’ve gotten all we can out of this relationship.”
The look of disappointment on his face didn’t faze her. She was doing this to protect herself and she wasn’t going to feel sorry for the man who hurt her feelings. He could use someone else to make him look good. She needed to get her life together and find what she had been looking for all along; love, friendship, and family.
“Taylor,” he said, “why are you doing this? You know what I feel for you.”
“I don’t,” she replied.
“Where is all this coming from?” he asked. “I thought we were fine.”
“I thought so too,” She replied, “but I can’t do this anymore.”
“How can I make it better?” he asked.
“I don’t know” she replied. “It doesn’t make any sense to me either. I just know I can’t do this with you anymore.”
“We can work out whatever this is,” he said.
“Alright,” she said. “Can you see us surviving past this month? Can you give me any guarantee?”
The way he looked at her told her that he didn’t see it happening. She had all she needed to know and the only thing she wanted to do at that moment was lay down.
“I thought so,” she replied.
“Taylor,” he said pulling her towards him, “I never promised I would be able to give you more than this. I don’t even know what this is just yet. Can’t you take comfort in the fact that I was upfront about the fact that I never said this would amount to much more than we have now?”
“That’s not enough for me anymore,” she replied, looking up into his searching blue eyes.
She wanted to stay right here so he could hold her, but she knew she would have to let him go. He had wedged himself into her life and heart and now she didn’t know how to let go.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t want to let you go.”
She pushed at his chest and he released her.
“I’m letting you go,” she replied, “I know you’ll be fine.”
She turned and walked into her house. She ran to the bathroom and threw up everything in her stomach. It was painful but she had no control. She crawled to bed minutes later and fell asleep with tears streaming down her cheeks.
The next morning, she awoke with a painful feeling in her gut. She got up and got ready for work, ignoring the bags under her eyes and the protest from her body.
“You’re early,” Tommy, her co-worker said.
“I didn’t even check the time,” She replied.
“What’s going on with you lately?” Tommy asked. “You’ve been getting sick so often, if I didn’t know better I would say you were pregnant.”
Bells suddenly went off in Taylor’s head. She couldn’t be pregnant, could she? She hurriedly walked away from Tommy towards her office where she pulled out her calendar. She was shocked that she had somehow missed her periods for two consecutive months without realizing it.
“How could I have been so stupid?” she chided herself, “All your l
ife, you were smart only to become stupid now?”
She threw down the calendar and let out a few deep breaths. There was no guarantee that she was pregnant but she knew that if she was, she could test it easily right there in her office. Taking a cup from the stash she kept in her office, she rushed to the bathroom and sat down. The pee came quicker than she had expected and soon, she was in her office performing the test. She pulled out one of the patients’ tests kits she kept in her drawer and dipped it into the cup. Her nerves were going crazy as she waited. How could she be pregnant and what would she do if she was? It was Conner’s. She was pregnant with Conner’s child. The moment the thought crossed her mind, she felt sick all over again. How unfortunate was she to be carrying the child of a man who was uninterested in anything permanent? It was unrealistic to hope, and she felt nothing but sadness when she thought of how things would play out. He had used her to keep his image up and she had hoped all along that he would be falling for her. The whole situation was too much to think about so she kept her thoughts on the matter at hand.
Looking over at the stick, her heart sunk when she saw the lines appear. She was pregnant, there was no doubt, and the odds were that she was more than a month in.
“Oh no!” she exclaimed.
She picked up her phone and dialed the only person she felt comfortable talking to. Her mother picked up.
“Mom, I’m pregnant,” she said.
“Oh, my,” her mother replied excitedly. “How do you know?”
“I just did the test mom. I’m going to run a blood test later but I’m pretty sure that I’m pregnant,” she replied. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I’m honestly too happy to say anything but congratulations,” she replied.
“Mom, focus,” she pleaded.
“My apologies, darling,” her mother said. “Conner is the father, right? Are you going to tell him?”
“Yes, of course, I’m going to tell him,” she replied, “but we’re not together anymore.”
“What? I just read an article that you were at one of his games last night.”
“You read those?” she asked.
“What? I have to brag a bit about my daughter dating a big star,” she replied. “I mean you’ve been so quiet all your life that most people thought you were abnormal.”
