So her mother was definitely coming on the trip too, which meant she’d get to spend more time with her and with Jonas. It just got better and better.
They picked Freya up from the gallery then Jonas drove them to the airport.
‘Who’s looking after Luna this weekend?’ Frankie asked.
‘My mother. She loves Luna and the feeling’s mutual.’ He laughed.
‘I’d have loved a dog growing up.’ The words slipped out before Frankie had really thought about them.
‘Would you?’ Freya asked from behind her; she’d insisted on taking the back seat.
‘I was away a lot though, so it wouldn’t have been fair, I guess.’
‘Away?’
‘At boarding school.’
‘Boarding school?’ Freya’s voice had hardened.
‘Yes. I went from the age of six to eighteen.’
‘Your father… sent you away?’
Frankie turned so she could see Freya. ‘It wasn’t just my father. It was more my grandmother. She said it was character building… and for the best.’
‘Oh, Frankie. Didn’t you get homesick?’
‘Sometimes, but to be honest, because my mother wasn’t around, it was kind of easier to be away. Then I could pretend that she was at home waiting for me to return.’
Freya broke eye contact and stared out of the window, so Frankie turned back around.
‘That’s… very sad.’ Freya’s voice was almost a whisper now. ‘I’m sorry for what you went through.’
Frankie nodded but didn’t trust herself to speak. Freya might be sorry now but where was she when Frankie had needed her? She hadn’t cared then if Frankie was sent away to school or if she’d been missing the presence of her mother in her life. And why had the comment affected Freya so much that she’d had to look away?
She knows who I am…
Of course she did.
Frankie spent the rest of the car journey fiddling with her nails, picking at what remained of her bridal manicure, fighting the urge to tell Jonas to stop the car so she could confront Freya for what she’d done. Now wasn’t the time; she needed to wait until the moment was right.
At the airport, Jonas took care of everything and soon they were seated on the flight. They had two seats together and one three rows behind, so Frankie insisted that Jonas and Freya sit together, telling them that she’d snooze for the short flight anyway.
She had closed her eyes but hadn’t been able to sleep. Instead, she’d played Freya’s words over and over in her mind, wondering if her mother had any idea at all of what she’d done by leaving. And now she would have the chance to find out, because once they were out there in the wilderness of Norway, Freya wouldn’t be able to run away.
But the same went for Frankie too, because she wouldn’t be able to run away if she didn’t like the answers. It was time for both of them to face the truth.
However painful it might be.
*
Freya was quiet for the duration of the flight and Jonas knew why. He’d been glad that Frankie had suggested that she take the other seat, as he wanted to keep an eye on Freya and wondered if she might need to talk. Finding out that Frankie had been sent to boarding school as a child must have been difficult for her. And it was something unimaginable for him because his own mother would’ve fought tooth and nail to keep him home with her. His upbringing had been so warm and loving, he just couldn’t fathom how it would feel to be sent away to school.
The fine lines around Freya’s eyes seemed deeper and she was staring out of the window as if searching for the answers to the questions that haunted her.
Jonas wanted to hug her and make her smile, to see the pain leave her face and find the Freya he’d known for so long. Yet he also knew that Freya had never been free of pain and that, in fact, she had suffered every day since arriving in Norway. Things had a way of coming full circle and it seemed that Freya’s past had caught up with her now, so it would be better for her to deal with the situation. Nothing could be avoided for ever but he hoped the outcome would be one that would make her happy. Her heartache was etched on her lovely face and deep in her eyes, and it hurt him to see it.
As for Frankie, he felt for her too. Being sent off to school as a little girl, never knowing a mother’s love, that must have been very hard. Freya had reasons for walking away from her life in England and she had told him all of them just a few days ago but Frankie didn’t know those reasons and she needed to hear them. There could be no proper healing for either woman until they’d spoken honestly about their pasts and their pain – it was always better to get things out in the open – and Jonas hoped that this weekend would be a good opportunity for them to do so.
In comparison, his life had been relatively uncomplicated. His father had died when he was a toddler, so he’d missed having him around but known that his mother and both sets of grandparents loved him. They’d all gathered around to ensure that Jonas enjoyed a good childhood and he’d grown into a contented and secure young man. They hadn’t had a lot of money but Jonas knew that money wasn’t the answer to everything. After all, Frankie’s father must have money if he’d sent her to what sounded like a prestigious boarding school, but look how Frankie felt about that. Jonas would be fine as long as he could pay his bills and help his mother out whenever she needed a bit extra. He’d never felt the urge to settle down or thought about having children, it had just never been on his agenda, so he couldn’t see a time when he’d need to earn more money to buy a house or support a family. If it ever arose, then of course he would make some changes; he would always look out for his loved ones. He just couldn’t foresee a wife and family in his future.
As the plane descended, though, he couldn’t help wondering what Frankie wanted from life. Did she have dreams of creating a family of her own, or had her experience with her mother leaving left her scarred?
He hoped that the weekend would give him the chance to find out more about her, as well as to ease some of the sadness that hung around her and Freya. That was his priority; helping the women to heal and hopefully to get to know each other. As for him and what he wanted, he had yet to find out what that might be.
Chapter 17
In Tromsø, they were collected from the airport and taken to a central hotel by minibus, where they were able to freshen up and prepare for the next leg of their journey. Frankie admired how friendly Jonas was with the tour operators and Freya told her that he worked with them regularly as he also ran tours for individuals or small parties to see the northern lights. However, in this instance, he’d decided to leave the running of the tour to someone else so he could focus on taking some photographs himself.
In the late afternoon, when darkness had already fallen, a bus arrived to take them into the countryside an hour away from Tromsø. Again, Frankie insisted that Freya sit with Jonas, telling them that she’d appreciate the extra legroom. The journey took them through the countryside, away from the busy city and out to where snow had fallen and where the temperature dropped considerably.
On arrival, they were divided into smaller groups and taken to their own areas with a traditional lavvu tent, then shown where they could change into their warmer clothes. Frankie did so quickly, keen to make the most of the evening that lay ahead.
They didn’t have much time for conversation, as the guide talked to them about the lights and what caused them, as well as about the three hundred huskies at the camp and how everything they would eat and drink came from sustainable resources. They were told that with November often being quite a wet month, the cloud cover might prevent them seeing the lights, but they might also be lucky. There had been more snow this year as the temperatures had been lower than average, so there was a chance that the sky might clear enough for them to witness the light display.
As the darkness seemed to thicken, and fully enveloped the camp isolating it from its surroundings, they went outside and sat around the campfire where they ate a traditional meal of baca
lao, consisting of cod and tomato. Frankie enjoyed the simplicity of it, while the guide told them stories about the lights and the area. Toasted marshmallows and coffee followed, then they were told that they could go back to the lavvu and keep warm while they waited to see if the lights appeared, or lie outside on the reindeer skins and gaze up at the sky.
‘If you two are all right, I’m going to go and scout for some good shots. It’ll be better if I’m away from the lights of the camp,’ Jonas said to Frankie and Freya.
Frankie tried to keep her disappointment from her face.
‘Of course. I’ll keep Frankie company and perhaps we can get some more marshmallows.’ Freya smiled from under the faux-fur trim of her hood.
‘Good luck!’ Frankie said as Jonas headed away from them with his camera bag slung over his shoulder.
‘Let’s grab a reindeer skin and sit near the fire.’ Freya trudged through the snow and Frankie followed her.
When they were sitting down again, Freya shuffled around to face her.
‘Tell me about your childhood.’
‘What do you want to know?’
‘I can’t understand how it must feel to be sent away to school. And you said that your mother… left. Tell me about that.’
‘Really?’
Freya nodded, her green eyes holding Frankie’s.
‘OK then.’
‘But don’t hold back.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Tell me everything. What was said about your mother and how did you feel? What’s the version of events that you know?’
‘The version?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why are you interested?’ Frankie knew but she wanted to hear Freya say the words.
‘I think you know. I think we both know why. But before we discuss that, I want to hear how things were for you.’
Frankie took a deep breath. She hadn’t expected the opportunity to speak to Freya about her childhood to come so soon, or so easily, and now it was here, she actually felt tongue-tied and a bit like jumping up and running off into the woods.
But she wouldn’t. She’d waited almost thirty years for this, so it was time to do it.
*
‘I did have a good childhood.’ Frankie glanced at Freya then dropped her gaze to her gloved hands again where they rested in her lap. ‘I had everything money could buy, from music and ballet lessons to clothes… I wanted for nothing material, really.’
She paused, wondering how Freya would take what she was about to tell her.
‘Go on.’ Freya gently encouraged her.
‘But the thing I wanted most was missing.’
‘And what was that?’
‘A mother’s love.’
‘Oh, Frankie.’ Freya reached out and squeezed Frankie’s hand through her glove but it unsteadied Frankie and made her feel awkward, so she gently pulled her hand away.
‘Sorry… it’s just that I might… unravel if you’re too kind at the moment, so…’
‘I understand.’
‘All through my childhood, I wondered where my mother was. I asked my father and my grandmother and they both gave me versions of the truth. My dad was always kind about her… you, but Grandma, not so much.’
‘Your father didn’t say anything bad about your mother?’
Frankie shook her head. ‘He said she’d, or rather you’d had your reasons for leaving and that he truly believed you’d have stayed had certain… things been different. Really, he seemed to blame himself, as if he felt he hadn’t been enough for you or supported you enough so you’d want to stay.’
‘The poor man.’
Frankie took a deep breath, pulling the clear country air into her lungs and savouring how cold and refreshing it was. Clarifying. Like a fresh start would feel.
‘He’s a good man and his heart’s in the right place but Grandma has always had some sort of hold over him. It’s like she’s in control.’
‘She’s a strong woman.’
Frankie nodded.
‘It’s not that Dad is weak.’ Frankie felt the need to defend him, from Freya but also from herself and the situation. ‘It’s just that he needed Grandma.’
‘To help bring you up?’
‘Yes. I think that’s it. You know… he never married again or fell in love. Grandma tried to encourage him to go out with other women but his heart never seemed to be in it. He was happier playing hide and seek with me, studying his dusty old books in our library, or out on the golf course. It wasn’t that he didn’t have plenty of admirers either, you know, with him being – as Grandma called him – “a good catch” but he wasn’t interested.’
‘When you’ve been in love and been hurt, it’s hard to move on. You carry fear in your heart that can last a lifetime.’
‘And he worried that a stepmother might not be good to me.’
‘That’s understandable. Tell me about you, now. How was life for you?’
‘I wanted a mum and I didn’t have one. I had cards for birthdays and other occasions, but when I was younger, before I turned sixteen and complained about having my post tampered with, most of them had been opened before they got to me. I wasn’t sure if it was Dad or Grandma but I suspect it was Grandma.’
‘So you know that I tried to stay in touch?’
‘Tried? I guess so, but you never rang or came to see me.’ The old pain bubbled inside Frankie and battled to become anger. Being angry was easier than being sad, but she also found that she didn’t want to hurt this woman sitting opposite her. After all that Frankie had been told and all that she’d felt about Freya, it was hard to see the woman now listening as the same person who’d hurt her. But she was.
‘Why do you think that was?’
Frankie shrugged as the familiar embarrassment and shame made her cheeks flush. ‘You didn’t love me enough.’
‘No, sweetheart…’ Frankie looked at Freya. Her eyes were glistening and she’d wrapped her arms around herself, as if she was trying to hold herself together. ‘That’s not right.’
‘Finally, when I turned eighteen you sent that card with your address, telling me that seeing as how I was an adult, I was free to contact you if I wished. However, if I chose not to, then you’d understand and wouldn’t bother me any more. That card…’ She shook her head. ‘It caused some sleepless nights.’
‘I felt that it was time for you to make the decision about whether you wanted anything to do with me. But you chose not to?’
Frankie nodded. ‘It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But I wanted to put it all behind me, to move on and embrace life. I felt that my pain had held me back for long enough and that as an adult, I could deal with it and leave it in my past with my childish longings to be loved by the woman who gave birth to me.’
‘You didn’t think of contacting me at all?’
‘Sometimes I did but then a week would pass and another one and the more time that passed, the easier it seemed to let it go. Then Rolo proposed and we had the wedding to organize – or rather Grandma did – and I was busy with work and time became a blur.’
‘Rolo?’
‘Yes, he’s the grandson of an old friend of Grandma, Pip Bellamy.’ Frankie turned to face Freya and watched her carefully. ‘Do you know him?’
Freya’s eyes widened. ‘Yes. Not very well but I met him once or twice. He and your grandmother used to be quite… close when they were younger.’
‘They did?’
‘They were once in love.’
‘I didn’t know that.’
‘It’s not something Helen would have wanted you to know. I only found out when a mutual acquaintance let slip after too many G&Ts.’
‘Did Dad know?’
‘I did ask him about it but he laughed it off, said it was a rumour.’
‘It’s not something I can imagine either… Grandma being in love.’
They smiled then, a moment of relief in a heartrending conversation that felt surreal. A tear sudden
ly trickled down Freya’s cheek and plopped onto her jacket.
‘I am so sorry, Frankie. I can never describe to you how hard it was to leave you or how much I have missed you.’
Frankie’s throat constricted and she bit down on her lip hard. She didn’t want to cry, to lose control. Words were easy to say but deeds said so much more. Freya might say that she was sorry now and she might well even be sorry, but that didn’t change what had happened.
‘Do you think… that you might be able to forgive me? If I explain everything to you properly?’
‘I don’t know. It’s been the best part of thirty years. How can we ever put that behind us?’
‘I don’t know that we can, but I see you, Frankie. I see my daughter and the reflection of your father and me in your face, your skin, your eyes, your hair. You are a combination of us both, sweetheart, and that’s something that will never change.’
‘So do you want to tell me why you left? Why I find myself here in Oslo after twenty-nine years asking for an explanation?’
‘I do and you’re right. It’s high time.’
Chapter 18
Jonas had left Freya and Frankie alone deliberately, to give them a chance to talk. He could get the photographs he needed around the camp or further out but making himself scarce had been part of his plan as soon as he’d known Freya was definitely coming on the trip.
So far, the skies had been cloudy and he wasn’t sure if they’d have any luck with the lights, but as long as the women had the opportunity to speak candidly, then he didn’t even mind. Although, he would like Frankie to have the chance to see the lights first-hand. It was such an amazing experience and it would be something she could take with her when she returned to England. No doubt she had a whole life back there waiting for her, but he hoped she’d stay in touch with Freya.
Not that he expected her to stay in touch with him, even though she’d given him her number for the delivery of the photograph. But she might want to maintain contact, just in case she wanted more of his work in the future. It wasn’t entirely impossible.
He trudged back towards the camp, keen to check that Freya and Frankie were OK, when he spotted them sitting away from everyone else on one of the reindeer skins by the fire. They were both gazing into the flames, their faces so similar with their serious expressions and yet so different. There were years between them, and not just in terms of age. Freya had been away from her daughter for a lifetime and it had affected them both.
Love at the Northern Lights Page 11
