by Aiden Bates
“Well, I’m sure if I had a therapist, that’s what she’d say,” Marcos said. We both laughed, and for a moment I felt some of the tension ease. It was good to talk to someone.
“But really, don’t worry, Carpenter. Your secret’s safe with me. Now, kick your feet up and sit with me and Pedro a spell.”
I spent the afternoon with Marcos, telling him stories about being the new Sarge and laughing about the days we’d spent in boot camp and service. It was a nice distraction, but the longer I spent there, the more I became aware of just how much of a distraction it was. I thought back to Bennet at the store and thought about Marcos now. There was no way my relationship with Teddy, let alone the pregnancy, was going to stay a secret for long. It was already getting out to our friends, and it wasn’t going to stop with just a few folks finding out. It all felt so fast. Teddy and I were diving straight into the deep end without any plan. Part of it felt exciting, familiar. It was just like the feeling that had taken root in my stomach when I’d first started dating Teddy. However, part of it also felt terrifying, foreign.
There were so many ways this could all go spectacularly wrong. Like, end of the world, nuclear explosion wrong. What if I couldn’t be a good father? What if Logan really did send me to Alaska or something? What were we really in store for with a baby? What was really going on in Teddy’s brain?
The only thing, the only thing that didn’t scare me about any of this was how I felt about Teddy, how I felt about the baby. That part didn’t scare me at all. I’d wasted so much time with Teddy in the past. It was impossible to feel anything other than love. Especially considering what he’d given me—the chance of a family of my own.
22
Teddy
In absolute fairness to Benny—sweet, invested, caring, nosy, overanxious Benny—the Bronze really was a better option than Fishbone. The Bronze was a cute little nook that mostly focused on baked goods, pastries, and coffee. Right now, the warm, comforting smell of something delicious baking in the oven while tea and coffee brewed nearby sounded nice, and infinitely preferable to the Fishbone. Of course, while the Bronze was a perfectly lovely place to meet up, it wasn’t our usual spot and it raised the question of how much Benny knew.
As soon as I walked in I saw Benny at a booth and waved at him to let him know I was here. As I walked up to the booth, I was still internally debating about whether to just admit Roman had been over or to fake fury he was seeing someone else behind my back, someone who was definitely a much bigger fan of pickles than I was.
“Hey, Ben,” I said as casually as I could while I set my things down on my side of the table. “How’s it going?”
“Pregnant,” said Benny, decisively. He could have technically said it louder, I supposed. Pregnant tends to be that kind of word people naturally perk up at, so I appreciated the modicum of restraint he demonstrated in keeping his voice relatively low.
“Damnit,” I swore, as I rolled my eyes. There was no sense in denying Bennet’s assertion if he was that convinced. I wasn’t necessarily a graceful loser, but I could at least tell when I’d lost at mind games with Benny, and was always curious about his methods.
“How do you know?”
“Pickles, waffles, peanut butter and marshmallow fluff in Roman’s cart earlier this morning. If I know you—and I do know you, nothing makes you feel better than waffles topped with peanut butter and marshmallow fluff. That meant Roman was buying you breakfast while you waited at home, which, you know, is surprising behavior for a pair of people who are just friends-with-benefits, but what do I know? The pickles in the cart meant you were mixing your old comfort stand-by with a weird new addition. I texted to see if you were going to be weird and evasive. You were. And then, just now when you walked in, I confirmed it. Not for nothing, but I’m a CNA. You look white as a ghost, and I’d say by the hollow in your cheeks you haven’t been keeping too much down.”
“And I would have gotten away with it too, if I hadn’t been foiled by your weird memory for people’s intimate details and your nursing know-how,” I said, but I wasn’t annoyed. It was kind of good to get the secret off my chest, even though I’d promised Roman I wouldn’t say anything.
Benny shrugged and took a victorious bite of the scone in front of him, savoring the pastry almost as much as he was savoring his triumph. The moment didn’t last very long before Bennet’s curiosity got the better of him though.
“Who knows? And if anyone else knows, why wasn’t I the first person to know? That’s a clear violation of best friend privilege right there.”
Well, at least I was getting to talk openly about it to Bennet. I’d been absolutely dying to ever since I’d found out. And now he’d arrived at the secret by himself, through no fault of my own, well, why not just pour my heart out?
“Okay,” I said, giving in and leaning to meet Bennet halfway across the table. I quickly counted off on my fingers. “Me, Roman, a lady I work with, and you. Yes, before you ask, in that order.”
Bennet seemed as though he was going to sputter indignantly so I cut him off quickly before we could travel down that rabbit hole. “No, I didn’t purposefully tell anyone before you. Aside from Roman, that is. You know, for obvious reasons. I didn’t pick to tell the lady at work before you, she kind of just figured it out for herself, just like you did. Roman claims he hasn’t told anyone either, so, just Naomi and you. And I swear on whatever you want me to swear on, it had better stay that way or I will end you, Bennet Long. I will program a drone to end you in your sleep.”
“Of course, of course. I get it. No need to kill me,” Bennet said, seemingly wounded I would think him capable of telling anyone else without my permission.
“Really, though?” he asked suddenly, as though he had thought of an exception or possible loophole to run by me. “Not even Silas or Charlie?”
“Oh, my god. No. Especially not Silas or Charlie,” I clarified.
“But Silas is going to jump out of his own skin when he hears. He’s going to want to weigh in on baby names, he’s going to want to start pre-planning play-dates for Baby Jason and your…” Bennet took a quick look around him and leaned in a little closer across the table. “Your baby. Jason’s going to have a little cousin, like a year younger than him, they’re going to be best friends!”
“Sounds like you’re the one excited about it, not Silas,” I said accusingly, which gave Bennet a sort of crestfallen expression. “Not to say Silas won’t be as excited. Or Charlie. Honestly, I know exactly how every omega is going to react once they hear the news, and I’m not exactly sure why. Why would every omega automatically assume I’m happy? Why would—and I know they will—why would they all assume it’s so wonderful to get pregnant?”
“I don’t know, Teddy. It seems like pretty good news to me, and it seems like everyone else you’re dead set on not telling would take it as good news, too. If two people love each other and they’re lucky enough to make a little person who has some of the best parts of the two people mixed in together, and you get to watch that person grow up… What’s not to love about that? Honestly, I think if you gave him a shot even the Sergeant would be hard-pressed to not come around eventually. He came around with Jason.”
“Well, that’s the point. Jason is wonderful. It felt like he was the rainbow at the end of the storm in Malmur. But everyone knows once you pop out a kid you’re done. I love my work. I don’t want to give it up because of a baby.”
Bennet wrinkled his forehead as though he weren’t understanding me. “Silas didn’t give up his career.”
“Yeah, but he’s not working with a bunch of self-serving alphas who discuss his heat like it’s part of the professional milieu or getting shafted for promotions and stuff. I’m not saying getting promoted is worth more than a baby, but what about after the baby is born? Dad’s going to come around because this baby will be as close to having Jason giving him grandkids as he’s ever going to get. Charlie is going to love Jason’s little niece or nephew, Silas is going to be an awesome
uncle, and we’ll all focus on the baby for the rest of the baby’s life. What about me?”
“Okay…” Bennet said uncertainly. He wiggled his fingers around his cup of coffee as he cast around for how to phrase what he wanted to say next. “Does Roman know you’re not happy?”
“I’m not unhappy, I just don’t know that I’m happy. I do want this baby, but I also want my life, too. Anyway, it doesn’t matter how anyone feels about anything because Roman is probably going to get shipped off to Montana pretty soon.”
“Holy shit!” Bennet exclaimed more loudly than we’d been talking throughout the entire conversation. Someone briefly glanced over to see what Bennet was reacting to, but the moment passed, and soon no one was paying any attention to us again.
“Sarge did that?” Bennet whispered.
“What? No! No. He doesn’t know. At least I don’t think so. Then again, if he did know, he would definitely try to ship Roman off.”
“To get rid of him?”
“Maybe, but the Montana assignment is a better one, a promotion. Dad definitely wouldn’t reward Roman, unless he thinks re-assigning him would pressure us into getting married. I think Dad has been expecting me to sort of grow up and settle down like a good, responsible omega would.”
“Gee, Teddy, Roman has got a better assignment lined up, you’re pregnant, and you’re talking about getting married. Life must just be terrible for you right now,” Bennet said with more than a hint of sarcasm in his voice. It wasn’t like Bennet to be caustic, and I wondered what was eating him, but if he thought I wanted to get married…
“I’m not talking about getting married. I’m just saying that’s what Dad would—”
“You’re not?” Bennet asked, seemingly shocked at this most recent revelation. “Roman’s not marrying you?”
I rolled my eyes and groaned. “Why are you phrasing it like that? Roman is all about the right and honorable thing and about getting married. I’m the one who isn’t sure about marrying Roman.”
“Okay,” Bennet said, a little impatiently, “Then if you’re not sure you’re marrying Roman, but you are sure you want the baby, and you didn’t disagree earlier when I referenced how when two people love each other very much, they might have a baby… What’s the status? You’re not staying here on your own with the baby, are you?”
“No! I wouldn’t do that. I don’t want to take the baby away from Roman. I don’t know. I don’t know how any of it would work. I just don’t know. Right now we’re having a great time hanging out, pretending nothing is wrong and waiting until things sort of inevitably, inexorably fall apart on their own, I guess.”
“Good plan, Teddy,” Bennet said as he nodded emphatically, his mockery plain as day.
I snorted. I agreed. This was a terrible plan.
“Well, I guess my alternative is to tell everyone, lose my job and follow Roman to Montana, and just languish knowing that if I was here the simulator could… I don’t know. It’s fine. I don’t know what the alternatives are. I’m sorry. I get that you’re excited and I get why it’s exciting, I just don’t need word getting around until I at least have something to tell people who will understandably want to know what happens next. Until then, nothing.”
Bennet shook his head as if he didn’t know me, but the thing was, he did know me, and shouldn’t have expected anything different from me. Bennet knew I wanted to get my project up and running, to make a difference, to save lives. I couldn’t do that if I was having a baby and consequently out of a job. I couldn’t do that if I ended up becoming the omega I never wanted to be; weak and unable to stand up for what I believed in.
By the time I disentangled myself from the rest of Bennet’s gentle prying and had finally gotten a chance to go home, I was tired and stressed. As I walked through the door I spied Roman lounging back on my couch. He’d changed his clothes, so I assumed he’d gone out somewhere.
“How’d it go with Bennet?” Roman asked without glancing up from his phone. Why did it feel like Roman was fairly unmoved by the entire situation while I felt myself struggling under the brunt of it all?
I tossed my bag to the side and shrugged an answer as noncommittal and disinterested as his question had sounded to me.
“He knows,” I said simply. “He knows but he’s agreeing to keep it a secret.”
“Probably for the best. He’d tell Garret if you’d let him, and Garret’s a gossipy old cuss, no matter what he says,” Roman said with a little chuckle at Garret’s expense.
As much as I was trying to avoid everyone finding out, I couldn’t help but feel irked at the casual, laughing way Roman described the eventuality where everyone knew and there wasn’t any secret at all.
“For now, Bennet is the only one who knows,” I said as I toed out of my shoes. “We’ll keep it like that for as long as we can.”
“Well, that might not be much longer, Mr. Tight Shirts and Skinny Pants.”
“Fitted button-downs and skinny-leg trousers,” I said as I walked to the kitchen to see what had survived breakfast. Roman seemed to have a similar idea as he followed me into the kitchen in apparent search for something to eat. While I stood in front of the open fridge finding nothing appetizing because my stomach suddenly started to rebel the idea of food, Roman managed to find himself a half-empty jar of peanut butter. I glanced over my shoulder just in time to catch him plunging the spoon into the jar, extracting a large dollop of peanut butter and popping the spoon directly into his mouth.
“You’re right though.” Roman had a point. I sighed, and then pulled the milk jug out of the refrigerator and poured out a glass to help him swallow the gooey concoction no doubt stuck to the roof of his mouth. “I could start wearing baggier clothes, I guess.”
“Even so,” Roman said, struggling to produce coherent speech through all that peanut butter. “I’m not the best at math, but I know enough to tell that pretty soon you’re gonna show.”
At least he seemed to swallow down the majority of his mouthful with the help of a few more gulps of milk, after which he continued with that lopsided smile of his.
“Then after that, the secret’s going to be real cute, real loud, and real hard to keep under wraps. Then you’re gonna have to think of a fake name to enroll it in school with. And then you’re going to have to keep using disguises to go to teacher-parent conferences, and then once he or she is driving around—”
“Yes. Thank you, Roman. Thank you for your feedback on this plan. It’s very appreciated though I’m happy to report I’ve already thought of everything you’re saying and have probably already thought of everything you’re going to say, and frankly, the only thing you’ve just told me I didn’t already know is that, apparently, you can do math,” I retorted while crossing my arms.
Roman seemed frozen in shock, and I was equally surprised I’d responded with that amount of vitriol. It was clear Roman was teasing, but it was also very clear his teasing was decidedly rubbing me the wrong way. He sort of looked at me, perhaps in expectation of an apology, but I said nothing, I just stared back, trying to decide if I was going to back down or whether I was going to add more about him making fun of the situation because whether he realized it or not, this was serious.
Roman’s expression shifted into something harder than just the shock of hearing me snap at him. He was now working at something in his mouth with his tongue, but he seemed to be doing it mindlessly as he was mostly just fixing me with a look I’d hadn’t gotten from him before.
“I’m sorry,” I said, halfheartedly.
“Because I’m stupid,” Roman answered with a seeming non-sequitur. “The joke is that you’re shocked I can do math because normally I’m so stupid.”
“I’m sorry. It wasn’t meant to be a joke or cruel. I just don’t know what to do,” I said, trying to explain myself as Roman polished off his glass of milk.
“See, I think it was.” Roman once again dug his spoon into the peanut butter jar and withdrew another dollop, which he then pointe
d at me. “You did mean to be cruel because I’ve noticed you’ve meant a lot of things to be cruel lately.”
“You’re not taking things seriously, Ro. It’s all fun and games for you, but in the end, I’m the one stuck with the problem.”
“I am taking things seriously. Very fucking seriously, but you think you’re alone in this because you sort of wanna be alone. And since I’m stupid, almost every time I’ve suggested how to do things, you’ve blown up or you’ve panicked or some mixture of the two, but what you won’t do is just listen to me for five fucking minutes while I tell you what we oughta do or at least what I think we ought to do. I’m stupid though, so you have to plan everything yourself. Then you’re mad I won’t participate in this harebrained scheme of yours.”
“You’re not stupid, and it’s not harebrained, Roman, if it gets out, we could both—”
“Yeah, Teddy. If it gets out while you’re treating it like a dirty secret, then yeah, it’s going to be embarrassing and awkward and everyone’s going to have shit to say about it. That’s what I don’t get about you. You’re supposed to be the genius, but you’re not even thinking about doing what’s obvious. You don’t have to be the only one to see what we oughta do. You should realize once and for all that you’re not happy here in Fort Greene or with SynergyNow, and you ought to make up your mind to be with me and let us, the three of us, be a family. If you weren’t so convinced only you could solve this problem, you might have seen the solution already, since you’re the genius.”
“Maybe I haven’t suggested it because I don’t want a family,” I answered coldly.
“Well, you could have said something. Or, you know, you could have been a little more careful before—”
“Don’t you dare! Uh-uh. Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Carpenter. I was on the pill and you supposedly only have the one working n—”
Roman slammed the jar of peanut butter onto the counter. As a sort of good-natured giant, Roman was always careful about not slamming doors, not setting things down too hard, being careful with easily breakable things. The idea he was angry enough to slam anything down made me flinch. It must have surprised him too as he kept his hand clenched around the jar, gripped so tightly his knuckles were turning white. He also shut his eyes tightly as though trying to fight anger, pain, resentment or some combination thereof.
