by Trudy Stiles
But I can’t help it.
Why can’t I be like Carly? I’d be strong and confident. Blissful. Happy.
Nope. I can’t.
I cried in the cab ride the whole way back because of her card. I opened it, and two generous gift cards fell out onto my lap. I read it.
Tabitha,
We are never going to stop saying ‘Thank You’. Never. Ever.
We already feel Emily’s presence in our home. I can almost smell her baby scent! I’m sitting in the soft rocking chair in her room as I write this card to you. I picture Kyle sitting in this same chair, cradling her in his arms, softly patting her bottom and gazing into her eyes.
He is going to be a great father. Kind, loving, protective.
Thank you Tabitha for giving us that gift.
For giving Kyle the gift of fatherhood.
For giving him a future of adoring his little girl.
Taking her to ballet classes and soccer games.
The father/daughter dances that are in their future.
The dance they will share at her wedding.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Love,
Carly
Shit. I shouldn’t have read this in the cab. I choked on my sobs the entire way back to my apartment. The cab driver must have thought I was insane.
I was wiping the snot dripping down my chin with the back of my sleeve while he looked at me through the rear view mirror with pity.
I can’t help but picture Alex, not Seth, in those same situations with my daughter. Alex with Emily in a soft rocking chair. Alex holding her close while dancing at a father/daughter dance. Emily standing on his toes as he dances with her.
Alex walking her down the aisle, giving her away at her wedding.
These things will never happen. Not with Alex. Not with Seth.
Emily will only know one father, and that is Kyle.
Ugh!
I lie down on my couch and reach for the gift cards. She can’t stop herself from giving me things. Her generosity is overwhelming. I’ve known Carly for a few short months, and she has given me more than I ever received over the years from bouncing from foster home to foster home.
She is going to be a great mother.
I don’t even remember my own mother, and I’m not sure I even want to. What kind of mother leaves her daughter in the ambulance bay of a hospital? I was naked, wrapped in a newspaper and placed on the ground. A speeding ambulance could have pulled in and easily crushed me. That’s how much that bitch thought of my well-being and safety. Fuck. I’m lucky to even be alive, no thanks to her. The hospital staff gave me the name ‘Tabitha’ because I was abandoned on Halloween. My name seems fitting, although my ‘mother’ was the witch, not me.
My first foster home was with a single woman, Trina. She was a nurse in the emergency room and raised me from the time I was found at the hospital until she died in a car accident when I was seven. She was the only mother I ever knew. She was cruelly taken away from me.
From that point on, I moved from home to home. I was never in a place for more than a year at a time. I was labeled ‘difficult’, ‘introverted’ and ‘disturbed’. Each foster family had their own reasons for taking me in, mostly selfish. My presence in their homes kept food on their tables and kept the monthly support checks flowing.
When I was seventeen, I hit the road. I stole money from the last family I was with. They deserved it. Their eighteen-year-old son was a complete pervert and made it his mission in life to interrupt one too many of my showers. The last time he walked in on me getting changed, he had a full erection and a grin on his face that made my skin crawl. The next day, I bolted and took buses across the country and eventually wound up in Portland, Oregon. Where I met Tony. Well, you know how that ended up.
I hear the front door open as Seth walks in with takeout food. He knows by now that I don’t cook and makes it easy for me by always showing up with take out.
“Hey Babe,” he says as he places the greasy-smelling food on the small table in my kitchenette. “How was lunch with Carly?”
I swipe my eyes to make sure that all of the tears I cried while thinking about Alex and Emily are gone.
“Fine. Good, actually,” I reply.
“Great! I knew you would hit it off with her.”
He starts to divide the food onto two plates and gestures for me to join him at the table.
“No, I’m not hungry. I had grilled cheese for lunch.”
I walk past him to grab a glass for some water.
“OK. Suit yourself,” he says as he digs into the huge burger in front of him.
God! I have no words right now. It must be hormones or something, but I just can’t stand being in his vicinity at the moment.
I grab my jacket and head toward the door.
“Where are you going?” he asks.
“Out.”
“Wait! I just got home!” he says angrily.
“Seth, what do you want from me?” I yell at him. I don’t know why or how my anger escalated so quickly, but shit, it did.
“Tabby, I want to talk to you. I want to be near you. You haven’t been around for the past week, and when you are here, you are a shell of yourself. What’s up?”
Seriously? He’s asking me ‘what’s up’? Ugh!
“Seth, what the fuck do you think?” I gesture toward my large belly and just stare at him.
He huffs a little and puts his burger down on the plate in front of him. He stands up and walks toward me then wraps his arms around my waist and puts his face into the side of my neck.
“Babe.” He breathes in and squeezes me tighter. “I know this isn’t easy. It can’t be. It’s not supposed to be. But I’m here and you need to lean on me. You can’t continue to go off on your own to deal with this. Tabby, it’s not healthy, and it’s eventually going to take its toll on you and me.”
He lifts his head and looks into my eyes. His eyes are glistening, and I know he’s feeling this just as hard as I am. I just haven’t let him express it. I’ve been keeping him at bay because I don’t want to face the reality that he wouldn’t want me if I keep this baby. I’m being selfish.
He continues. “We are in this together, regardless of the situation, Tabby. I know this baby might not be mine, but you are. Mine. You have been for a long time, longer than you can imagine. You can’t know what it’s like to see you go through all of this. Trying to go through it alone. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. We will get through this together. I know you may not believe me, but I’m sad about what we’re doing. I realize that I’m giving up the chance to be a father to this little girl, but I’m not ready. I want to build a life with you, on our terms, without feeling regret or angst over this child. It wouldn’t be fair to her to be with us when we haven’t figured ourselves out. I’m being selfish here Tabby, but I want you and only you. And I want you to heal. I need you to heal. I will be there when Emily is born. We will say goodbye to her together. I will never leave you the way he did.” He can’t say Alex’s name. Ever.
Seth can’t be a father right now, and I can’t be a mother, not until I fix myself. I can’t commit my life to raising a child. I’m too damaged.
I pull away from him. He stares into my eyes, and I start to soften a little bit. God, he loves me. Why can’t I give myself completely over to him? He’s been with me for the past eight and a half months. He mended my broken heart. We were friends first, and then he told me that he fell in love with me the very first time we met several years ago. Back when my heart was beating only for Alex.
It’s a shame he fell so hard for me because I’m not sure I can love anyone again. Ever.
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Past
Age 18
I’m standing under a hot stream of water as I rinse the conditioner through my long, thick hair. Once I’m satisfied that it’s gone, I turn off the water, grab a towel, and step out of the shower. My shower. Stall #2. As I wrap myself in the towel, I realize that I left my clothes on my bed back in my room. Shit.
I grab my toiletries and walk out of the bathroom in my bare feet, dripping water behind me as I quickly make it back to my room. I turn the corner and see a guy about to knock on my door.
Kyle.
Shit. Shit. Double shit.
It’s too late to hide from him since he’s already turning his head to look at me. Then he grins. Big.
I’m practically naked as I walk up to him. His gaze slowly travels up and down my body, and I begin to flush everywhere.
“You really shouldn’t walk around in a towel, Carly. You never know who you might run into.” He is smirking and I get the chills just looking at him. Well, I am soaking wet, in a towel!
He continues. “Professor Martin will be happy to know how healthy you are now.” He winks at me.
“Excuse me, but can I get into my room now?” I pretend to be annoyed as I huff.
“Why of course, Carly,” he says as he steps aside chivalrously. He gestures toward my door and bows his head as he looks up at me and winks again.
GAH! Enough with the winking, and the smile, and those perfect cheeks. He has a little dimple in the center of his chin that I just want to lick. Shit! What is wrong with me?
I walk past him and start to shut the door. “I need to get dressed.” He puts his foot in the door to prevent me from closing it. I immediately tense up, worried that he’s going to force his way in.
“I’ll be out here. We need to get you caught up in Bio, so hurry up and get dressed.” He smiles and pulls his foot away so that the door shuts softly. I take a deep breath. I’m over-reacting, right?
God! I find my clothes that I left on the bed. I shimmy into a pair of flannel lounge pants and a long sleeved tee shirt. I towel dry my hair and let it fall onto my shoulders. I look at myself in the small mirror above my sink and take a deep breath. I say silently to myself, “Kyle is not Todd. He isn’t going to hurt me.”
I nod at my reflection and walk toward the door. I am so tense, and I hope it’s not visible to Kyle. I take a deep breath and try to relax as I reach for the doorknob.
I open the door, and he’s leaning against the wall. When he looks at me, I feel that flush again, and my cheeks must be bright red at this point.
“Wow! It’s hot. I can’t cool down after that shower.” I lie. I cooled down. Then I saw him outside my door and heated right back up again.
He laughs. “Yeah, must be the shower.” Cocky isn’t he?
I step aside allowing him to enter my room. I’m taking a chance and letting my guard down somewhat.
“Nice room,” he says looking around. His eyes immediately find the picture of me with my family on my corkboard. He nods toward the picture and asks, “Family?”
“Yes,” I answer, “My parents, grandfather, brother, and sisters.”
“You have a big family. That must be nice. It’s just my sister and me. My parents are gone.” His voice trails off, and he clears his throat as if he didn’t mean to tell me that little tidbit about himself and he wants to take it back.
“Oh.” I gasp slightly and place my hand near my throat. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s OK. I mean it’s really not OK that my parents are dead, but it’s OK in that I’ve had time to deal with it. My Mom died when I was little, and my Dad died a couple of years ago. You just learn to live without them. You know?”
No, I actually don’t know. I haven’t seen much death around my family or me. Yes, I’ve had some grandparents pass away and as sad as it is, it was their time. They lived a full life. I can’t imagine losing one parent. Much less both.
I take a deep breath and ask, “So, what’s up? Why are you here?”
He looks surprised at how quickly I changed the subject, and I hope that it’s OK.
“You never called. Biology lab is Thursday, and that’s two days away. What are you waiting for?” He seems annoyed with me. What the hell?
“Professor Martin isn’t going to keep giving you chances, Carly.” He is mad at me.
Shit.
“I’m sorry.” What else can I say? “Really, Kyle. I’ve had a lot on my mind. I have a lot going on. I really haven’t focused on Bio or much of anything really. You’re right. I’m taking advantage of a situation, and it’s going to bite me in the ass.”
I move to sit on my bed and look at the empty chair at my desk, silently suggesting that he sit there.
He takes my non-verbal cue and sits down at my desk.
“We need to make a plan, Carly. Do you have time now?” he asks.
“Well, yeah, I guess so,” I answer. “Um, why don’t we go down to the lounge where we can be more comfortable?” I am suddenly feeling uneasy about being alone with him in my room. I don’t think he will do anything like Todd, but I can’t calm my nerves. I can’t sit here with him alone, wondering what could happen. I don’t trust myself, and I’m not ready to trust anyone else.
“OK, great!” Gosh, he seems enthused. He jumps up and opens the door.
“After you.” He gestures. Still a gentleman.
We walk down the hall to the empty lounge and settle at the large table in the corner. We have a pleasant view of the courtyard, and I sigh in relief.
“Let’s get started. I have an outline of things that you missed while you had the ‘chicken pox’.” He curls his long fingers into air quotes as he says chicken pox and again smirks at me.
“Whatever,” I say rolling my eyes and chuckle a little bit.
We spend the next two hours going through notes and lessons then make a plan for me to make up the two labs I missed. He was so patient with me and helped me through the lessons with ease. He is so smart and dreamy. GAH! I need to snap out of it!
We finish studying for the night, but he doesn’t seem ready to leave.
He reaches out, touches my curly hair, and brushes it off of my shoulder. I’m unprepared for his touch, and I flinch slightly. I want desperately to lean into his hand, but I hold back.
“It’s still wet.”
“Yes, when I air dry it, it takes a while. There is just so much of it.” I answer with another full-body blush.
“It’s nice,” he quietly replies.
“Thanks.”
We are staring into each other’s eyes in silence.
“So tomorrow night. Let’s do this again?” he says and asks at the same time.
“Sure,” I answer quickly, and then realize that tomorrow night is Wednesday. “I mean, no! I can’t. It’s Wednesday.” I say as if he knows what Wednesday’s are to me.
“Yes, tomorrow is Wednesday, Carly,” he affirms.
“No, Kyle, you don’t understand. I have plans tomorrow night. Actually, every Wednesday night. With my friends. It’s Wine Wednesday.” I state matter-of-fact.
“Wine Wednesday?” He asks. “What is that?”
“Oh, it’s just me and my best friends. We get together on Wednesday nights, drink cheap wine, talk, and gossip.”
“So gossiping and drinking cheap wine is more important than your catching up in Biology? Hmph.”
Really? He’s annoyed with me?
“Listen, Kyle. I understand you want to help me catch up and keep me in Professor Martin’s good graces, but Wednesdays with my friends are non-negotiable. I can find another time tomorrow to meet you in the lab.” Gosh, he’s making me mad!
“Fine. How about over lunch? The lab is free from noon to one o’clock, and we should be able to get both of your lab projects done in that time.” He stands up and starts walking
toward the door. Shit.
“Kyle,” I say stammering a little bit. “I’ll see you tomorrow at noon.” I smile softly and look up at him. I don’t want him to leave. He turns to reach for the doorknob of the lounge and looks back at me. He holds my gaze longer than I’m comfortable with and I blush again.
“Great, Carly. See you tomorrow.” He opens the door slowly, still staring into my eyes, almost through me. “Sweet dreams.” He winks as his lips curl up a little, and his smile is back. Dreams?
I look over at the clock on the wall and see that it’s after midnight! Whoa! He was here for hours. Time flew by, and I didn’t even realize it!
“Goodnight.”
He turns away again and is gone. Out the door. Damn.
I gather my notes and make my way back to my empty room. I throw myself back onto my bed into my comforter and pillows and stare at the ceiling. I was such an ass! He must think that I’m a selfish brat. And was he flirting with me? God! I don’t know what I’m doing. I wish he didn’t have to leave. I want to lick that dimple in his chin, his lips, his neck.
I want to feel his strong arms around me and breathe him in.
Am I even ready for that? I want him to touch me, but I don’t know if I can even handle it.
I can’t figure this out on my own.
I need my friends.
And some pink wine.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Past
Age 19
Last night was horrendous. I royally fucked things up. I mean, who storms out of a bar without an explanation? Alex must think I’m crazy.
I know I’m crazy.
Kirsten is moving boxes of books from the stock room to the front.
“Tabby, we need to get these books inventoried and onto the shelves sometime today. It shouldn’t take you more than an hour or two,” she says as she drops the third box of books onto the floor.
“No problem. Are you here much longer?” I ask.
“No, I have a dinner date with my parents. They are in town for a few days and demanded some quality time with yours truly.” She smiles and hands me the keys to the store. “You don’t mind locking up, do you?”
