by L. B. Dunbar
“How you keeping her safe by being here?” AJ interrupts again.
“I should stay with my sister,” I tell him, sounding more resolved than I feel. If Lena won’t go back, I should stay with her and bring Lys here. I can try to give them some normalcy now that my parents are permanently gone.
“Not Lena. Your girl. How are you keeping her safe?” AJ smirks, shaking his head.
“Staying away from her.” I shrug. Leaning back on his glass countertop, I notice something sparkling inside the case. I’d never buy a woman a secondhand ring. When I get to that place, if I ever get there, my woman will have nothing but the best I can afford.
“Shit, a woman don’t want safety from afar. She wants a man at her back, in her bed. She wants him standing before her, shielding her heart.”
I stare up at my friend, brows pinching together.
“She wants you holding her hand and her heart,” AJ adds.
“When did you become such a fucking romantic?” I chuckle, still wondering who this man is and what he has done with the cavalier AJ, who slept with anything that had two legs and a nice ass.
He shrugs. “Eh. I’m not.” He lowers his head, chewing at his lip a second, fighting off a smile. We stand in silence. My eyes focus back on the ring under the glass.
“She wants a baby someday,” I whisper, recalling the look in Tricia’s eyes when she said she wanted kids but how her husband had never promised her them. Fucking idiot.
“And maybe she’ll have one, one day. Along with another man in her bed, keeping her back warm and her heart held. Yeah, man, that’s what I’d want for the woman I love. Another man to fuck her and give her a family.”
“You’re a dick,” I say, standing taller and bracing my hands on the counter.
“And you’re a fool.”
“The fool doth think he is wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.” AJ has no idea, but my Shakespeare agrees.
“To thine self be true, or some shit like that,” AJ spouts, and I almost fall over. “You do what you gotta do, Leon, but I’d want a warm, willing woman in my bed, not another bunkmate under me. What do you want?” He knocks his knuckles on the counter between us and excuses himself to help a customer near his register.
I stare after him with one thought in my head. I want Tricia.
Which was immediately followed by a second thought. Damn, I hate when Shakespeare is right.
+ + +
“Lena, you’re gonna have to talk to me some time,” I holler at the bathroom door of the cheap ass motel room I’m renting while I’m here in Chicago. I hate it here. Hate this room. Hate this situation.
When I found my sister at her friend’s house, it wasn’t a pretty scene. I scrub at my face as I recall losing my temper over the way she left and then losing my shit at her admission.
Hector Ortiz.
I went ballistic and for good reason, but after everything settled in, I wanted someone to talk to, and that someone was Tricia. Only, I’d walked out and hadn’t called her for days. I recognize the error of my ways now. What I don’t know was how to rectify things. How do you call the woman you love and ask her to help you understand your life when she basically hates you?
I rented this room once I’d arrived in town, and the time is approaching two weeks. Dixon was pissed that I skipped out when he was ready to give me a chance to show off my work. Tricia’s pissed I tore out her heart. And my sister is pissed because I won’t leave her alone.
For days, I’ve been reprimanding her.
How could she? And with Hector? At only seventeen?
She has reminded me I’m the pot calling the kettle black, and I pulled the it’s-different-for-boys card. Wrong thing to say. I’m finding I’m doing that often lately.
I sit on the edge of the nasty blanket over the lumpy double bed and stare at the bathroom door.
“Lena,” I call out to her again. “Just tell me what you want to do.”
What does she want? What does she want me to do? I’m pretty certain her response would be she wants me to go to hell. I hang my head, covering my face with my hands as my elbows lean on my knees.
“You know, that’s the first time you’ve asked me that?”
My head pops up, and I find my sister leaning against the doorjamb. With her tough exterior, she could be just another saucy-mouthed girl on the block, hanging with the wrong crowd and doing the wrong man. But she’s smart, and I don’t want her on the street like me.
“So answer the question,” I suggest, keeping my elbows on my knees and clasping my fingers together.
“I want to go to college. I want to do what kids my age do, not be a mother. Not yet.”
I sit up straighter. “Okay.” She’s already mentioned adoption. It would crush Mami if she ever found out, but Lena and I both agree it might be best for her if our parents don’t know the truth. Maybe in time but not now. Of course, we’ll have to swear Lys to secrecy as well. “What do we do?”
“What we, Leon?”
I point between us. “You and me. How do we go about this adoption thing? And how do you still graduate from high school?”
Lena stares at me. “I can’t go back.” Her voice drops as does her head.
“You need to finish high school, Lena. I’ll stay with you.”
Her head pops up. “I plan to finish school. I mean I can’t go back to Elk Lake City. And I can’t ask you to stay.”
“You’re my sister, Magdalena.”
“And you’re my brother, Leon.” Her sassiness retorts, but there’s something deeper to her snark. “I don’t want you to give her up.”
I stare at my sister. “Le—”
She raises a hand to stop me. “You love her, right?”
I swallow back the truth, not ready to tell my kid sister how strongly I feel about Tricia.
“All I wanted was for him to love me,” she whispers. I do not want to hear this, and something in my expression must tell her to stop. If she kept the baby, I’d never be able to look at it without thinking about the father and what he’s done to my family.
“You should go back,” she tells me. For the first time, she’s not screaming it at me but keeping her voice calm.
“Lena, I’m not leaving you here alone.”
“You told me what AJ said, and I think I should take him up on his offer. If he really meant it, I could live with him and Theresa while I finish school and then register for college. I’ll go back to Lane. I’ll get a job once the baby is . . . born and then find a place of my own.”
Shit. That just sounds so hard, but I remember my own determination at eighteen. I also remember getting hooked up with the wrong people to help me survive. At least with AJ, my sister is with someone we both trust. His wife, Theresa, might be good for Lena. They checked in on my family while I was in prison.
“That’s what you really want?” I question.
“It’s what I want now, Leon, and that’s all that matters.” Sadness fills her voice. My sister and I are not warm and fuzzy with each other, but we aren’t that dissimilar either. The small sound of her voice and the lowering of her head remind me she’s just a kid. She might think she’s all woman at eighteen, but she isn’t. I rise from the edge of the bed and walk up to her. Opening my arms, I encourage my sister to step into my embrace. For the first time in years, I hug her tightly.
“I didn’t want to do wrong by you, hermanita. I’m sorry I failed.”
“You didn’t fail me, Leon. I just don’t want you to fail yourself. You deserve more. You deserve her.” Her words are muttered into my chest, and I marvel at the loyalty my sister has toward a woman we didn’t even know months ago. Then I think about myself and how much I want to give to the same woman, if she’ll take me back. If she’ll give me a second chance.
Lesson 23
Sometimes you can feel too much.
[Tricia]
The day after I returned from Chicago, I had a visitor.
“Levi?” He sheepishl
y looks up at me when I opened the front door to my home. I’d only missed two days of work as Emily and I returned shortly after seeing Lena. Knowing that Leon had found his sister, Emily thought it best we leave it up to the siblings to work things out. There was no hint from Lena she wanted to return to Elk Lake City, and I felt a bit like I’d wasted my time driving all the way to Chicago.
“You okay?” Levi asks, and I step back, inviting him inside with my body language. However, I also peer around him.
“How did you get here?”
He gives me another sheepish grin, and I realize he’s taken his dad’s car.
“Levi!” I admonish. “You’re only fourteen.”
“I’m fifteen now,” he reminds me, and in turn, I’m reminded how I didn’t get the chance to celebrate with him this year. I’m also aware that fifteen is not the legal driving age.
“What are you doing here, baby?” I cringe as soon as the words leave my mouth, but I can’t help myself. He doesn’t seem as embarrassed as when I’ve done it at school.
“You missed school. I wanted to check on you.” His concern is sweet, but I’m suspicious. Was he worried about me? Or has Trent put him up to something? It makes me uncomfortable to know Trent’s lurking about, and for a second, I allow myself to miss Leon. When he was here, I felt safe.
Now, I’m just lonely.
“Had some . . . issues, but I’m okay.” I don’t feel it’s my place to share the Ramirezes’ story. I told the school office Lena was sick and would be missing the rest of the week. My mother kept Lys on track, getting her to and from school the two days I missed, so there was no suspicion surrounding Lys.
“He here?” Levi questions, his tone turning sharper than I appreciate.
“He has a name, and it’s Leon, and no, he’s not. He’ll be gone for a few days.” It’s more information than I should give Levi, especially if he’s going to report back to his brother. Our relationship has never been like that. We’d always taken care of each other, but things are different now, and I’m sensing Levi resents me a bit because I left his brother.
Levi has already seen my place, but he scans around the room as if looking for something. “That couch is really hideous. I can’t believe you still have it,” he teases, and an idea strikes.
“Have you had dinner yet?”
Levi glances at me and away. “Dad’s on a bender. We don’t have any groceries.”
Shit. I hate when Robert does this, and that’s when Trent stepped it up for his brother. I could give Levi money for groceries and send him on his way, but instead, I make a suggestion. “How about I’ll make you dinner if you help me toss that couch and pull up the carpeting?” I take a glance around the room. “In fact, why don’t you come here the next couple of nights after school, and I’ll feed you for your manual labor.”
Levi smiles. “I made the basketball team, so I have practice.”
“Levi!” I squeal, reaching out to pull him in for a hug. “How did I not know this?”
He shrugs, slipping his hands into the back pockets of his jeans after I release him. “I can help tonight but not again until the weekend.”
“This weekend then, but dinner tonight.” Just as I finish my invite, Lys comes down the stairs, takes one look at Levi and blushes worse than I’ve ever seen. She’s a deep shade of red.
“Hi, Lys,” Levi says, and my heart pitter-patters at the possibility of their friendship.
+ + +
Two weeks later, when I open the front door, I see the last person I expect on my front stoop.
“Leon?” I choke on his name and stare as the flurries land softly on his shoulders, making him look like a Christmas present I can’t have. Everything hits me hard, like an unexpected snowstorm. Him leaving. No contact. I’m buried under the hurt, and I have nothing to say to him. Crossing my arms, I ask, “What do you want?”
“Can I come in?”
I stare at his silver eyes, hating how my insides turn over.
“I’m only letting you in because it’s too cold to hold open the door.” I step back, anger heating me enough I could melt the ice on my front steps. Leon looks around the room. No observer would miss that the ugly couch, awful end tables, and hideous lamps are gone. Thankfully, the hardwood under the old nasty carpet was in excellent condition, and it’s now exposed and polished. Fresh paint covers the living room, dining room, and staircase walls. Levi and Lys have been a huge help, bribed with dinners and tutoring sessions. The work involved in sprucing up my home was a much-needed distraction from the thoughts of panic and worry for Leon and Lena.
“Place looks good,” he says, clapping his hands and stomping his feet on the mat just inside the door. I don’t offer to take his coat. He has about five seconds to say something other than noticing the freshly painted walls before I toss him out.
“Leon,” I groan. I fight back the tears. Relief washes over me to find him unharmed. Lena has kept me posted. Her fear Leon would retaliate against Hector. Her decision to stay in Chicago with a family friend. She’d been quiet on the specifics about Leon himself, though. When he was coming back. If he was returning at all.
Just one look at him makes me long to be in his arms. I want to tell him how much I’ve missed him. I’ve too easily forgiven him, and that’s dangerous for my heart.
Heavy feet thud down the staircase until Lys stops at the base, hesitating from launching herself at her brother.
“Leon!” Her voice rises, and he opens his arms. It’s a rare show of brotherly affection, and this action warms my insides. She’s missed him just as much as I have. We’ve navigated through the awkwardness of not being family, but teacher and student living together. Then again, she’s grown on me so quickly and filled a void I didn’t realize existed by leaving Levi behind with his father and brother.
I’ve stepped back to allow sister and brother their embrace.
“Where is Lena? Have you seen Mami and Papi?” Lys jabbers at her brother, who looks over her head to me. I slowly shake my head. I hadn’t told Lys what I knew about their parents, feeling it wasn’t my place to break that kind of news. I was just trying to keep things as normal as I could for her, suddenly without either of her siblings after being separated from her parents.
“I’ll give you two some privacy,” I say, smiling weakly at Leon and turning toward the kitchen.
“Wait,” Leon says, reaching around his sister. “We need to talk.” His quieter tone and hesitating eyes tell me he’s nervous.
“You need to talk to Lys first.” His sister should be his priority. He has some major family drama to divulge.
“Just wait. Wait for me,” he pleads, and I want to remind him I’ve been waiting almost two weeks to hear from him.
“I’ll be in the kitchen.”
I don’t know how long it will take to break the heart of a fourteen-year-old by informing her that her parents are out of the country with no immediate plan to return. Then to tell her that her sister has decided to stay in their hometown indefinitely. Unfortunately, I felt I had to tell Lys about Lena’s condition. She needed to understand my urgency to go to Chicago and help her sibling. I have no idea what Leon told her with regard to Lena’s baby and her plans for her future. None of it is my business, but I’m suddenly sad when I consider Lys might be leaving me.
I feel Leon’s presence before he speaks to me, and I turn from the cabinet to face him.
“That was so hard,” he says, scratching at the back of his neck.
“Is she okay?” I fight the desire to find Lys and comfort her. It’s Leon’s place more than mine, but I’m concerned about Lys’s emotional state. Her feelings must be all over the place.
“She wants to stay here.” The response surprises me.
“She can stay as long as she’d like.” My heart skips inside my chest. I’d never turn her away, but I immediately wonder what this means for her brother.
“I’d like to stay here as well.”
“You what?” I stare at
him, my heart moving from a skip to a full gallop. “Here?” I question, pointing my finger to the floor to emphasize the words. “My house?”
“Yes, I’d like to stay with you in your house.”
“I . . .” I just don’t know if that’s a good idea. “You left.” I don’t need to remind him, but I do. “No phone call. No texts. No apology. And now you want to walk back in here like nothing happened.” While I realize there was a lot going on for him, it’s no excuse not to let me in and keep me informed of how he was doing or what he was doing.
“I’m sorry,” he says. Leon exhales slowly, slipping his hands into his front pockets.
“For such a strong man, that is just weak,” I snap. Those are not the words I want to hear.
“Look, I promise it won’t happen again.” His eyes glance from me to the floor and back up. He’s a petulant child in a man’s body, but I’m not falling for it. I’m not caving to that innocent, hesitant glance.
“GAH! Are you kidding me? That’s even worse. Do you know how often I’ve heard those words?”
“And I’ve told you I’m not him,” he says softly, but his tender tone does nothing to douse my ire.
“That is not good enough, Leon.” I take a deep breath while my body trembles. Fists form at my side. “I deserve better.” And I believe this with every fiber of my being.
“And I’m here to do that,” he says, the words still cautious. Is he trying to convince me or himself? “It won’t ever happen again. I won’t shut you out. I won’t disappear. I’m here for you.”
I shake my head. My body ripples with disbelief and distrust. Words—just pretty words.
“I can’t,” I whisper. His silver eyes soften as he shakes his head side to side, disagreeing with me.
“I love you.” The startling sentiment is said softly but with emphasis. “I love you, and I’m sorry. I didn’t shut you out. I just shut down, but I’m back, and I’ll do anything—anything—to prove I’m here to stay. Nothing like this will ever happen again.”
