Chapter Five
Arms folded against the shower’s tile wall, Ethan wrestled with his guilt. He was fucked up. He’d always known it. While his cousins and friends had drooled over women, he’d snuck coveted glances at Noah. It hadn’t done him any good. A few years older, Noah had gotten involved with Mindy before Ethan had even understood where his fascination stemmed from.
He’d forced himself to ignore his lusts and dated women in an attempt to find one who could stir his instincts. He’d even pleasured some, hoping their arousal would spark his. Never had he gotten enjoyment out of any of the encounters beyond the sense of control and the satisfaction hearing their pleas for release gave him. A chore—that was what touching females had been to him.
Until Hannah.
His fingertips on her cheek, and his body came alive. Her scent in his lungs, and he wanted to claim her. Her voice in his ear, and his wolf calmed.
The petite female with a soul of a warrior and the heart of an alpha owned him.
And I haven’t even kissed her.
If he hadn’t already been involved with Noah, he would’ve made sure she understood who she belonged to. But… He did love Noah. More than that, Ethan desired him. Even the scent of Hannah on Ethan’s skin didn’t dim his craving.
Only his guilt had stopped him from pushing Noah against the wall and fucking his brains out. Of course, the same thing had stopped him from bending Hannah over the nearest hard surface.
“What is wrong with me?”
His whispered question tormented him. The same confusion had hung over him all his life. No profound revelation came to him. All he knew was that he couldn’t live with himself any longer. With a few days until the full moon, he had to accept his fate—let Noah go and claim Hannah as his birthright demanded.
Ensuring her body and soul belonged to him alone.
The blessed circle, where the spirit of their pack’s wolf lingered, lured him, not just for what fucking Hannah within it could guarantee him—a lover who fit him better than any ever would. No, the call of their sacred grounds had resonated within him since the night he’d matured.
The spirit wolf recognized him, and each time he stepped into the ring, it tempted him with the kind of power he’d experience once he became alpha. Unable to answer its demands since he couldn’t take a mate, he’d stopped attending the monthly celebration. Thirty years later, its summons still beat at him.
The past six months had been the worst. The low beat in his veins had morphed into a thud, echoing and torturing him with the approach of each full moon. He knew why. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out. The spirit wolf wanted a new host.
“And I want to be the one to house it.”
There was no denying the truth. He salivated over the prospect of being alpha, always had. The strength the role offered was only part of the draw. The fate of his pack depended on it. They were weak, far more so than anyone on the outside knew, and their slide into the sad state they were in had started the night he’d matured.
Michael had emerged from the sacred circle more pissed than he’d ever been. He’d announced the spirit wolf wasn’t happy with their pack, that it wanted changes made. The ones he’d instituted—reverting to the old ways—had slowly reduced their pack’s numbers and left those remaining fearful.
The worst part was the looks of disappointment directed at Ethan from the elder members of the pack, the shifters who understood the true reason behind the spirit wolf’s anger—it wanted the true alpha to reclaim the pack.
But I couldn’t do it. I was pathetic. Still am.
“They should’ve let me fucking die with my mother.” As soon as the words left his mouth, more guilt stabbed him.
He cursed and pressed a balled fist to his chest. The ache centered there would consume him if he let it. He couldn’t. The elders of his pack hadn’t risked their lives to save their old alpha’s unborn son so he could slink away, too weak to live up to his destiny.
The time had finally come to claim it. With Hannah by his side, he could finally be the male his pack needed.
“And I’ll be happy. Time will dim my memories of loving Noah. I just need to commit to Hannah and our life together.”
After a deep breath where he held his conviction close, he got out of the shower. Normally, he’d walk out of the room naked. He needed the shield clothing offered, however. The sweats hung on the back of the door did the trick. He tugged them on, not bothering to dry, and left the safety of his master bath.
His destiny waited for him.
He stepped into his bedroom. The first rays of the new day brightened the space and drew attention to the male sitting on the bed. The sun cast a glow over Noah. He looked innocent with the light outlining him. The shimmering dust in the air added to the effect. Slap a halo and wings on him, and he’d resemble an angel. The analogy Ethan’s mind supplied fit. Noah had been his heaven, the only one he’d ever experienced.
One glance at the balled-up dress shirt in Noah’s hands, and Ethan knew.
His secret was out.
Noah smoothed the wrinkled top over his thighs. “Hannah’s beautiful.”
Ethan followed the movements of Noah’s hands and recognized it for what it was—an attempt to cover her scent with his. The knife in Ethan’s gut twisted a little more.
He cleared his throat. “She is. Nice too.”
“So I’ve learned.” Noah glanced at him. Nothing showed on his face. Not anger, jealousy or hurt. “I ran into Hannah on my way to see Quinn. That’s why I never met up with him.”
“She was at the club with Alex.” The slight growl to his voice betrayed his emotions. “They’d planted a trap for Maria. Tried to play on her instincts.” And set mine off instead.
“Maria didn’t fall for it.”
“No. She didn’t seem surprised at all. She ended up talking to him, while I…” Ethan rubbed the back of his neck. “I talked to Hannah.”
“You know her well?”
“I met her six months ago. She came over to our pack lands for a run.” A smile tugged at his lips, despite the tension in the air. “She parked her car along the road outside, got out with a duffle bag slung over her shoulders, and slunk into the woods. Short as she is, I thought she was some human up to no good, so I followed her. I didn’t realize she was a shifter until I got closer.”
Noah toyed with one of the buttons on the shirt he held. “She would’ve just started shifting.”
“And came shopping for a mate.” Unmated female shifters were always welcome on their lands. That was one of the few reasons shifters left their pack. The instinct to find a strong breeding partner was undeniable. Or so Ethan had heard.
“She was damn cute about it too.” Ethan grinned.
At Noah’s questioning look, Ethan walked closer. Talking about Hannah didn’t hurt as much as he’d expected. He was glad. He wanted Noah to understand what he saw in her. He hated the idea of destroying their friendship on top of putting an end to their physical relationship.
“I found her draping a couple of blankets over tree branches.” Ethan glanced out the window. The small grove where he’d found her became his new favorite spot to sit and work on his laptop during the day. “She didn’t want anyone to see her naked.”
“A makeshift changing booth, huh?”
The amusement in Noah’s voice drew Ethan’s attention back to him. He found Noah watching him, curiosity in his eyes. “Yes. I asked why she cared. She’d have to shift to talk to any male she met anyway.”
“What did she say?”
“She hadn’t planned to talk to any. She wanted to see if the Tanner males were as depraved as everyone claimed.” Ethan chuckled. “When I pointed out she was talking to one, she blushed.” And when she smiled, I was lost.
He kept the words to himself. Six months later, it still shocked him how quic
kly he’d fallen for her.
Noah leaned forward. “Is she your true mate?”
Yes. Instead of admitting it and dimming what he and Noah shared, he shrugged. After losing Mindy, it would kill Noah to lose Ethan too. It was one of the reasons he’d struggled with his choice. It was better if Noah accepted Ethan’s decision, knowing it was the best one for their pack.
“I don’t know. Maybe. My wolf feels at peace around her, but it could be a fluke. Her scent or something.”
Noah closed the distance between them. “Does she arouse you?”
Ethan turned away, needing a moment to get his thoughts in order, and walked toward the wingback chair near the far wall. A matching one sat cattycorner to it—Noah’s chair. Ethan picked up the book lying on the table between them. An unknown member of the Kagan pack had written the tale. Somehow it ended up in an online, shifter-run auction.
He’d bought the leather-bound diary on a whim and became engrossed in an elaborate story of gods and the mistake they’d made in creating shifters. Instead of the ultimate soldier, they ended up with beings whose two halves lived in discontent.
Humans had called them berserkers. Or, more accurately, Ulfednar. No matter the term, humans had feared the crazed warriors and shunned them. Except for when they needed their strength. Then they were revered…and expendable.
Shifters grew bitter and demanded the gods fix them. They couldn’t. True mates were supposed to make up for their creator’s sin and soothe their wicked natures.
“Well? Is Hannah the first female to arouse you?”
Noah’s question demanded an answer. Ethan faced him. “Yes, but I haven’t acted on it. I haven’t even kissed her.”
Noah’s brows turned down. “Why the hell not?”
Ethan stared at him for a long moment, unbelieving what he was hearing. “Umm…let’s see. Maybe it’s because I love you.”
“And I love you, but—”
“But nothing. Our relationship might be a secret, but it’s real.” He snorted. “I shouldn’t have kept seeing her without telling you, but I couldn’t help it. She smiled at me that first night, and I haven’t been able to get her out of my head.”
“And you’re telling me in the six months you’ve been seeing her, you haven’t given into your desire?”
“Yes, that’s what I’m telling you.”
“Stop feeding me any shit. I saw her tonight, don’t forget.” Noah stalked closer to where Ethan stood. “I smelled her after she left you. She was aroused. Horny. What? You’re going to tell me she never got excited for you before. That tonight was the first time.”
Ethan tightened his grip on the book. “No. She wants me. She’s been trying to seduce me for months.”
“And you still haven’t acted on it?” Noah shook his head. “You’re no fucking saint. The things we’ve done together—”
“Have nothing to do with Hannah. We’ve met for coffee and stuff, nothing more. I’m drawn to her. I don’t understand why.”
Noah laughed. “Well, you see, when a man and a woman like each, their bodies grow aroused. The boy gets a stiffy and—”
“Shut the fuck up, Noah, and listen to me.” Rough breaths sawed past his lips. “I want to claim her, fuck her until she can’t walk straight, and love her until she doesn’t remember what life was like without me.”
Noah cleared his throat. “Then why aren’t you with her?”
“Because…” He lowered his voice. “Because I want the same with you. I want you both, and that’s fucked up.”
Noah swept his gaze over him. The hunger in his expression stirred Ethan’s. His cock twitched. He bit his cheek to counter the arousal. The lust he felt for Noah was wrong. Here he was talking about how much he wanted Hannah, and he couldn’t stop his dick from rising for Noah.
He needed space. Noah’s scent was messing with him. Ethan backed up, right into the wall. Noah took a step toward him, the predatory look in his eyes one Ethan knew well. He raised his hand. Noah stopped, but his tensed muscles suggested it wouldn’t last.
“I have to pick one of you.” Ethan let his arm fall. “I can’t go on like this. It’s driving me crazy.”
“Who are you going to pick?” Noah asked the question, but the acceptance in his tone told him he already knew.
Unable to bear the defeat in his lover’s expression, Ethan closed his eyes. Maybe it was a sign of weakness, but between them, they’d never played the dominance game unless it was meant to bring pleasure. “Hannah. For our pack, I have to. With her as my mate, I can defeat Michael.”
“And return our pack’s rightful name and bloodline.”
The Jager pack. One of the oldest, they’d been led by the eldest Jager male until Ethan’s mother, who’d been pregnant with him, was killed in a car accident on the night of the full moon. The moment she took her last breath, Ethan’s father had died too.
And Michael took over without a fight—stepping into the circle mere moments after Ethan’s father fell. The pack had been glad. A well-loved dominant, Michael had saved them the bloodshed that often surrounded a change in alpha families.
Ethan opened his eyes and met Noah’s focused stare. “For a long time, I’d convinced myself it was the lack of oxygen before they cut me out of my mother’s womb that made me gay.”
Noah sighed. “You know that’s a load of crap. I’m gay too, and I—”
“You were mated, and I know you still get aroused for other women.” Ethan cocked a brow, daring Noah to deny it. His steady stare confirmed Ethan’s statement.
Ethan shook his head. “I never did, not for females or other males. I accepted it after a while. I even convinced myself you were my true mate. There was no other explanation for the way I felt around you.”
“Then you met Hannah.”
“Then I met Hannah.” Ethan closed his eyes once more and admitted the truth that had grown stronger in the days since he’d first looked into her eyes. “I’ve fallen in love with her too.”
Noah closed the scant inch between them. His heat radiated along the length of Ethan’s body, stirring his lusts once more. He shifted to get away. Noah planted his hands next to Ethan’s head and his legs on the outside of Ethan’s, caging him in place.
Equal in strength, Ethan wouldn’t be able to escape without a fight. Some days he tried, just to trigger Noah’s need to dominate and Ethan’s desire to submit. Images flashed through his head. Ethan wanted to be held down and ridden hard, fucked until Noah exploded inside him and Ethan’s release coated his stomach. His breathing quickened. The hard dick pressed against him made his lust grow. He wanted to make the fantasy a reality.
I can’t. Never again. He pushed against Noah’s shoulder, not budging him. The shove tore a growl from Noah instead. Ethan curled his fingers. “Did you hear me? I love Hannah, and I will mate her. Together we’re going to rule the pack.”
Noah grabbed Ethan’s balled fist and tugged it above his head. The hard yank whipped through Ethan, and his breath rushed out.
Noah rubbed his thumb over the pounding vein in Ethan’s wrist, sending tingles to skip down his spine. “I heard you.”
“Good.” Ethan bucked, trying to knock him off. “Then let me go.”
“Is that what you want?”
No. He wanted the impossible. “Yes.”
Noah eased back but didn’t let Ethan escape. Noah slid his hand inside Ethan’s pants and stroked his cock. A shudder ran through him, and a pleased groan escaped Noah. He leaned in and skimmed his lips over Ethan’s cheek to his ear. Noah’s rough beard tickled him, sending more zinging sparks down Ethan’s spine.
“But you’re hard for me.” Noah gave Ethan’s dick a rough tug. “You want me. Don’t bother denying it. I’ll call you a liar.”
“I’m not going to. I do want you. I also want Hannah. It’s why I held you both at arm’s leng
th. I’ve been trying to figure out how to say good-bye to you, but I’ve run out of time.” Ethan nudged Noah’s chin and waited until he met his gaze. “Hannah was in Alex’s arms tonight. She might not have triggered Maria’s instincts, but she sure as hell set mine off. I won’t let her go. I can’t. She’s mine. My future. Do you understand?”
Noah’s silence answered him.
Ethan lowered his voice, gentling it. “I was clinging to you, not wanting to let you go because I hated the idea of you with another lover. It was selfish. You deserve to be with someone who loves you. I want that for you. I do.” And he’d find a way to deal with his jealousy. Hannah would help him, even if she didn’t know it.
Nothing showed on Noah’s face. He studied Ethan for several heartbeats before he whispered, “What would you do to keep me?”
Ethan flinched, hating the desperation behind the question. He planted both hands on Noah’s chest and shoved. Noah stumbled, and Ethan took the opportunity to flee. He made his way to the door and grasped the handle.
Noah slammed a hand against the wood, stopping Ethan from opening it. “Answer me.”
Ethan glared at him. “I will not cheat on my mate. Don’t fucking ask me ever again.”
“I’m not.” Noah dropped his hand and stepped back. “I’m asking what you’d do to keep me.”
The seriousness in his voice killed Ethan’s anger, not his confusion. “What are you asking me, Noah?”
“Share her with me.”
Ethan staggered back. “Share her? What do you mean—share her?”
“Exactly how it sounds.” Noah’s chest rose on quicker breaths. “We both fuck her.” He licked his lips. The tips of his fangs peeked past the line of his teeth. “We make her your mate and our lover.”
Ethan shook his head. “It won’t work. Mated males are insanely jealous. They even smell another male on their female’s skin, and they flip out.” He thumped his chest. “I flipped out when I saw Alex’s hands on her, even though I knew it was faked. I wanted his blood for it. You touching her won’t be any different. You’re crazy if you think otherwise.”
Shared for Love: Kagan Wolves, Book 2 Page 5
