by AKM Miles
“He didn’t have hot water most of the time, and I was scared to get naked and bathe anyway, afraid he’d walk in. I hate the way I look now. I don’t know that I was ever really vain before, but I knew I was okay looking and at least healthy and clean. Benny, I spent so much time feeling the opposite that I can’t stand myself anymore.” Daniel stopped. Just stopped talking, not knowing where to go now.
“Okay. I know that had to be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. I have a couple of questions, if you don’t mind. I wonder about the night it all started and the day you were rescued. Will you tell me some things?” Benny asked.
By this time, they’d both straightened their legs, and Daniel was leaning on Benny’s shoulder. He liked it like that because he didn’t have to look in Benny’s eyes in case what he saw would hurt him. Daniel didn’t think he could take it if he thought Benny was grossed out by his story.
“I guess, if I can.” He wondered what Benny wanted to know.
Benny’s hand was rubbing Daniel’s shoulder, soothing him, calming him. Daniel nodded his head against Benny’s shoulder, letting him know it was okay to ask.
“After your dad said those awful things to you, and believe me, I know how hard that hits, why didn’t you stay around? From the stories I’ve heard, he was looking for you within the hour to tell you he didn’t mean it. Don’t you kind of feel like all that pain was for nothing, because he changed his mind pretty quickly? If you’d waited just a little, maybe your life would have been so much better.”
“You don’t know my dad, not like I do…did.” Daniel made a motion with his hand, making his point. “When Nick Webster says something, that’s it. He doesn’t change his mind or take anything back. I’ve heard it all my life. He meant it.”
“But he did, change his mind, I mean. I’m not taking his side, not at all. I’ve got your back, and I’ll stand by you. I’d like to be the one you turn to. God, I sound like a sappy song, but you know what I mean, don’t you? Daniel, I just hate thinking you went through all that and it could have been different.”
“Okay, noted, and thanks for the support. Other question?” Daniel wanted to get off the subject of the day it started. Did anyone think it hadn’t occurred to him that he’d gone through hell because he didn’t give his father a chance to recant his hateful words?
“I heard the story about how Mano met you in the bathroom and told you what was happening, but what made you believe him? What was it like when you saw your dad there? Did you freak?” Benny never stopped rubbing Daniel’s arm and shoulder, easing him.
“I had already gotten to the point where I knew I was going to have to get away from Jack before something nasty happened. He was either going to rape me or beat the hell out of me if I fought. I was ready for a way out, and there was something about Mano that was so worthy of trust. As for seeing my dad, my first thought, I’ll admit, was joy. There was my dad, after all that time. His arms were open to me, and he had tears in his eyes. Then it occurred to me that that was the response I wanted that night two years ago, total acceptance. It’s what I expected, knowing him as I thought I did.”
“But you let him hug you, right?” Benny asked.
“Yeah, I could see real pain in his eyes, and I was so damn needy right then. But, immediately after that, I began to feel bitter. If he hadn’t denied me as his son, none of that horror would have happened to me. When he said those things, I knew he meant them, and I couldn’t stay there, knowing how he felt. I still don’t know how to relate to him.” Daniel felt tears stinging his eyes as he admitted this.
“What you do is take your time. This shit happened to you, and you’re the only one who will know when the time is right to deal with your dad. I have one more question, and then I swear I’ll quit.” Daniel thought he felt Benny kiss him on the side of his head.
“Go on.”
“Your father is known for helping out the guys who show up here. When I told them I wanted to go into law, but couldn’t afford it, he said he would help me when he got time. I don’t want to lose what I think we’re building between us by taking help from the man who hurt you so badly. I don’t know what to do.” As Benny finished with the words he put his hand under Daniel’s chin and raised his face.
“Tell me what to do, Daniel. I don’t have any money or any idea of how to go about getting started on the life I want. Nick has both and is willing to share, help me get started on the right path. But I won’t do anything that will hurt you. I won’t.”
“Benny, nothing that we have, or will have, will be affected by your taking help from my father. It seems he’s the patron saint of young gay boys, after making me feel like trash. Hell, I know I sound bitter. I have to work on that. Seriously, take his help.” Daniel pulled back so he could look in Benny’s face. “Take as much as you can and use it to make a good life for yourself. Nothing would make me happier. If he’s going to help strangers, gays he doesn’t even know, I certainly want him to help you. I care about you. You’ve been so good to me since I came here.”
“Man, you should have heard them all making plans for your rescue. Did you know your father went down the week before but just missed you and Jack? I’ve never seen anyone so broken up. Anyway, it was like they all knew you, he’d talked about you so much. He showed your picture to every trucker who came in here and evidently he’s paid a shitload of money to private detectives over the last two years. He tried, Daniel, he really did try to find you. That’s all I’ll say about that.”
“I know. I know I’m supposed to be able to forgive and forget and be Daddy’s little boy and best friend again, but there’s something that is keeping me from it.” Daniel tried to duck his head, but Benny wasn’t having it.
“It’s called pain, on top of fear and more pain and heartbreak. You’re entitled. Okay, enough of this. I’m not trying to sound like a shrink or anything, but I hope you feel better. They say if you talk through things, it lightens the load a little.” Benny sounded so hopeful that Daniel had to ease his mind.
“Actually, I do feel better. You’re a good listener, and I trust you.”
“Good deal. Now, it’s getting late. How about we shower, get ready for bed, and I have another idea, if you’re up for it.” Benny paused from where he was getting ready to slide off the bed and looked over at Daniel.
“What’s that?” Daniel wasn’t worried, though Benny looked hesitant.
“I was thinking, since we’re both so skinny, and since I’ve ended up in your bed the last couple of nights, what if I started out in it tonight? No one else is here. No one will see. Maybe if we go to bed together, with me holding you, you won’t even have the nightmares. A whole night of good sleep sounds good, huh?” Benny paused, clearly waiting to hear what Daniel thought of his idea.
“I’m sorry I keep waking you up.” Daniel was ashamed of his needs.
“That’s all you got from that? Come on, you got to know I don’t mind. But, what do you think of us trying to ward off the nighthorses? I’m not trying to start anything you’re not ready for, I promise. Just sleeping and holding is all I’m talking about.”
“Are you sure that’s all? Not even a good night kiss? Maybe if we did that while we were standing up, it wouldn’t go anywhere, but I admit I’ve thought of it since you mentioned it earlier.” Daniel felt so very brave bringing that up.
“Why Daniel Webster, you sweet thing, you,” Benny teased. Daniel blushed.
“Stop. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything,” Daniel said.
“Idiot. Of course you should. I would love to kiss you good night. Come on. Let’s go clean up and hit the sheets. We both work tomorrow. Kiss after shower. It will be a little something to look forward to, huh?”
“What if I’m no good? I’ve never kissed anyone.” Daniel felt totally inadequate and couldn’t believe he’d actually asked for a kiss.
“I have no doubts. It’s not technique; it’s feeling,” Benny said, then laughed at himself. “Listen to
me sounding like I’ve had loads of experience. I’ve kissed maybe two, yeah, two guys, and there was no love there, so it will be nice to kiss someone that I’m starting to care a lot about. Now come on, don’t overthink it.”
Soon they’d showered, brushed teeth, and were standing by the bed. Daniel thought Benny seemed as nervous as he felt. Daniel started to turn away, but Benny reached over and put both hands on Daniel’s face, holding him gently.
“Is this okay?” Benny whispered.
Daniel nodded, feeling Benny’s hands slide on his cheeks as he did. He was looking into Benny’s pretty brown eyes, trying to read his feelings. Was he as scared as Daniel was? Were his insides shaking, or was he cool with things?
Finally, Benny stepped a little closer and put his lips to Daniel’s. Oh, gosh. Oh, how sweet that felt.
Daniel was afraid to move. He didn’t know what to do, and he was afraid if he moved wrong, Benny would stop. He must have made a distressed sound because Benny did stop.
“No. I’m sorry. Don’t stop, not yet. Please.” Daniel was begging. God, he was pathetic.
“Shh, it’s okay. I was just afraid I’d done something you didn’t like. You can touch me, Daniel. I swear kissing is all we’re going to do, but you don’t have to be afraid of me.” Benny didn’t give Daniel time to feel stupid at being coached like that. He just went back in for another kiss. Daniel opened his mouth a little and felt the tip of Benny’s tongue touch his top lip, and he shuddered. His heart thudded in his chest, and he brought his arms up and put them on the tops of Benny’s shoulders, squeezing, holding on.
“Wow, baby, that was nice,” Benny said when he finally pulled away. They were both standing there in their underwear and T-shirts, and both of them were hard, Daniel could feel it. He wasn’t as embarrassed as he thought he’d be, though.
“Okay, I know we both have a little problem, but we’re going to ignore the hard-ons and get into bed. I’m going to hold you, and we’re going to sleep all night, safe and sound. Is that good with you?”
“Yes. Benny?” Daniel still had his hands on Benny, holding him there. “Thank you so much for making my first kiss a memory that I will cherish. I don’t have many good memories lately, and this was really nice.”
§ § § §
Daniel dreamed that night, but it wasn’t one that woke him or scared him. Mainly, the dream confused him. In it, he was walking down a dark street, alone, and he wasn’t scared, but he seemed to be looking for something or someone. His eyes were tracking things on the street, making sure he was safe at all times, avoiding dark areas and alleyways. He was carrying a heavy knapsack on his back.
It was like he was watching one of those movie reels he’d always indulged in to escape from his reality. He saw himself watching as a young man stepped out of an alley up ahead. Instead of fear, he felt relief. The person, little more than a boy, looked like he might run at any moment.
“It’s okay. I’m here to help. I’ve got some food and some hot coffee for you. I promise it’s safe. Here,” Daniel said, reaching the boy and stopping at a safe enough distance that the boy wouldn’t think he was going to grab him.
“Why?” he heard the boy say.
“I’ve been where you are, and not that long ago. I know that just some hot food and something warm to drink means the world. An act of kindness goes a long way, huh? I don’t expect anything from you. Are you okay? I mean, do you have a safe place to stay? No one is hurting you, are they?” Daniel couldn’t help asking.
“No. I’m okay. Thanks. I gotta go.” They boy grabbed the bag with two sandwiches in it and the Thermos with the coffee. Daniel had made it sweet and light, knowing the boy would need it for strength and warmth. He turned and started back the way he’d come. He felt accomplishment tempered with anxiety for the young man he’d just left.
He woke to find Benny looking at him.
“What?” he asked, afraid he’d done something stupid in his sleep.
“Nothing. Did you dream again? It’s almost time to get up.” Benny’s voice was rough and sleepy. Daniel thought it was cute. Benny’s hair was mussed, and Daniel reached up to smooth it. The soft, silky hair felt good on his fingers. He lingered, then thought he’d better stop it. He dropped his hand and ducked his head.
“What’s the matter?” Benny asked, taking hold of Daniel’s hand.
“Nothing, I was just afraid you’d think I was—I don’t know, making advances or something. I was just…” Daniel trailed off, not knowing how to continue.
“Daniel, I have no problem with you touching me any way you want to. We’re starting something, and neither of us knows where it’s going, right? So, you touch me, I’ll touch you, and if either of us doesn’t like it or want it, we’ll be honest. That’s all I know to do. Is that okay?” This time it was Benny who waited for an answer.
“It’s a good plan. I did dream, but it wasn’t like before. It was weird,” Daniel admitted. He found that he really wanted to tell Benny about it, see what he thought.
“Tell me. We’ve got time.”
Daniel recounted his dream and watched Benny to see if he could get an idea of what Benny thought it meant.
“Do you think it means something, like a prediction, or something you’re supposed to do? How did you feel?” Benny asked, and Daniel was grateful that Benny was taking him seriously.
“I felt like I was doing something good, something needed. I think I want to think about it, let it run around in my head for a while, but it might be something I want to do, like, with my life.”
Benny said, “I think that’s a plan. You need something to plan for, and this sounds like a good idea. It runs along with what I want to do.”
Daniel felt like a heel for not knowing more about what Benny wanted to do with his life. All he knew was law, and that covered a lot of areas.
“Really? So, what do you want to do with a law degree?” Daniel asked, hoping his sincere interest came through.
“All I know is that I want to work for social injustice. It almost goes along with social work, but I want to help people who are getting a raw deal. Gays who can’t get rights like others, vets who aren’t getting benefits or being treated fairly after what they’ve given of their lives, single mothers, young homeless men and women who want help, but don’t know how to go about getting it. Does that make me sound like a bleeding heart?” Benny asked, and Daniel knew his answer was important here.
“It makes you sound like someone special, someone I’m glad to know. I want to do the same kind of thing without the law degree. Maybe I’ll find them and you’ll help them.”
He’d said it, and it just hung there for a few minutes; and when Daniel looked at Benny, he bet they had the same expression on their faces. Like a light bulb was going on, like an idea had taken hold and they knew that this moment had meaning.
“I think your dream and my hopes are going to be something that we need to think about a lot more,” Benny said, leaning over and placing a short, soft kiss on Daniel’s lips.
Daniel decided he liked it a lot. He felt like a part of something good here and he put his dream and their talk on the back burner for a while.
Chapter Seven
Daniel was in love. He was still in very strong like and the tiniest beginnings of lust with Benny, but with Mama Rosa, it was love at first sight. He couldn’t explain how it happened or why it was so, but he was drawn to the pretty lady in the wheelchair who’d arrived a couple of weeks ago and looked a lot like his friend, Mano. When she’d first come to them, he’d been happy to help her get settled and since she worked in the kitchen with Mama Sasy and Boddy, Daniel was with her quite a lot.
He didn’t have to do a lot of analyzing to realize that he wasn’t as comfortable with Mama Sasy because she was so heavily invested in his dad and his good works with her boys. As time went by, Daniel thought that there was something going on with the two of them. It was nothing overt but just a way of looking at each other and a difference in their
voices when they mentioned each other. Nick had been by a few times, and while Daniel didn’t outright avoid him, he didn’t seek him out either.
Today he’d been in the kitchen helping Mama Rosa with the pies for today and tomorrow morning. It was a little more crowded in the kitchen, but since everyone was determined, they made it work. A couple of days ago, they had realized that they could take out one of the freezers and make more room to get around in there. The freezer was in the hallway leading to the mamas’ apartment, but they were still able to get the chair around it.
Benny stuck his head in and asked, “Daniel, can you come help a few minutes? I’m swamped. Can you get the dishes off the tables? That’s all I need right now.”
Daniel hurried to help. “Mama Rosa, you got this? You okay for a little while?”
“Sure, baby. I’m fine. I’ve got these rolled out, and the fillings are nearly ready. You go, sweet boy.”
Daniel was a hopeless case. He soaked up the tender care and kind words she gave out freely. There was just something about her that opened his heart a little more each day. Daniel knew about the arthritis that was so bad she was forced to use the chair and knew that it must be very painful, but she didn’t complain. Instead, she was up early with all of them and worked as hard, doling out love and joy at the same time. Daniel felt just a little guilty that he didn’t feel the same way about Mama Sasy. He felt he should since she was giving him so much, but he decided it just was what it was.
Daniel was focused on filling the tub with dishes, wiping the tables, and seeing if there was anything else Benny needed. He took the dishes back and was headed toward the front again when he noticed that Nick had come in and was back at the family booth talking to Benny. Daniel stopped short and debated going back to the kitchen. No, he wouldn’t run away like a scared kid. He looked around to see if there was anything he could do while Benny talked to Nick.
