by Annie Murray
‘He was just the same with us,’ Maryann told her. Now she saw how sorry the woman was, how she wanted to do right by her daughters, she felt great sympathy for her. ‘My sister took her own life because of him.’
Janet’s head jerked up. She looked deeply shocked. ‘Did she? You never said . . .’
‘You wouldn’t’ve believed me.’
‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘I wouldn’t. It’s like having two whole different lives, different worlds going on in your house at the same time. You look at him, the way he is, and you can’t believe . . . I mean you can’t believe anyone could do things like that, can you? I still can’t . . .’ She shook her head as if to reassemble her thoughts. ‘Still can’t . . .’
‘I know,’ Maryann said gently. ‘He’s the one with summat wrong in his mind. He’s like a devil. He’s going to live then?’
‘They think so.’
There was silence for a moment. Janet pulled Amy on to her lap and held her.
‘Whatever happens, we’ll be together now – we’ll manage somehow. I’ll never let him near you.’
Forty-Six
Maryann cried all the way home, as if releasing years of pent-up sadness and however much Nance tried to comfort her she was unable to stop. And Nance was feeling so miserable that she was tearful herself.
‘If only my mom’d been like that.’ Maryann sobbed. She knew people were having a good look at her but she was past caring. ‘I mean I know Janet daint believe them to begin with – but seeing ’em like that, her cuddling Amy . . . She wants the best for her girls at heart. But that poor Margaret – what ever’s going to happen to her?’
‘I s’pect ’er’ll be awright,’ Nance said doubtfully, adding, ‘the poor little mites.’
Maryann was even less hopeful. Nance hadn’t seen what Margaret was like. ‘I feel terrible leaving with all this going on. But we’ll come and see them – and you, as often as we can.’
Nance nodded, staring bleakly ahead of her.
When they got back home, Joel saw what state she was in and came and took her in his arms. Nance began bustling about to hide her own emotion. There was no one to embrace her.
‘She believes them now,’ Maryann said into Joel’s chest. ‘Whatever else happens, she’s on their side.’
‘Thank ’eavens,’ Joel said. ‘That poor little nipper. What about him?’
‘Oh – he’ll live, they say.’ Her voice was savage. ‘I’m glad for Margaret’s sake anyway.’
When they’d told him what had happened Maryann whispered to Joel, ‘No sign of Darius yet then?’ They were almost certain he was due in that day.
‘Thought ’e might’ve got ’ere by now,’ Joel said, shaking his head. ‘Still . . .’
‘We could go down there and wait for him,’ Maryann suggested.
‘What’s all the whispering about?’ Nance demanded sharply.
Maryann looked into the dregs of her teacup. ‘We was just saying – maybe it’d be better – for you, like – if we was to go and wait down by the cut for when Darius gets in.’
Nance came and stood by the table, hands on hips. ‘No need for that – I think me and Darius both know how to behave,’ she said tartly. ‘And Joel don’t look as if he could walk another step at the moment. He wants to save ’is strength for later, that ’e does. I don’t know how ’e’s going to manage on that boat.’
‘Darius’ll be there – and me. We can make sure he takes it easy.’
Maryann was tensed with anticipation. After the events of last night and now this waiting she felt very churned up and unsettled. And she was dreading having to say goodbye to Nance. If only they could just go, be there on the Esther Jane without all this to-do!
The afternoon crawled by. Nance declared she wasn’t going to lift a finger that day to do anything in the house. There’d be plenty of time for that when they’d all gone. Maryann thought of Nance’s days stretching ahead, full of work, just her and Mick, and she pitied her terribly. Nance had a home and a husband all right, but her life seemed so empty.
They sat reminiscing that afternoon, each trying to take each other’s mind off the coming departure, laughing about their antics and Blackie Black with his barrow.
‘Poor old Dad,’ Nance said. ‘Never managed much with ’is life neither, did ’e? ’E was always on about how ’e was going to get us out of Ladywood to somewhere better – soon as ’e had a shilling on him ’e was off down the pub.’ She shook her head. ‘The old sod. I can ’ardly stand to go and see ’im. ’E ain’t going anywhere now.’ Blackie’s health was failing week by week. ‘It’s a good job our mom’s got all the boys to bring in some money.’ She looked across at Maryann. ‘You not going to go and see yer mom again before yer go?’
Maryann bit her lip. ‘I can’t, Nance. Mom’s made it clear what her attitude is to me. Tony said she’s never said a word about seeing me and I ain’t crawling to her again if she don’t want me.’
‘But what about Amy and Margaret – if you told ’er what’s happened to Mr Griffin?’
‘It makes no difference now. It’s too late, Nance. She daint believe anything I said when it really mattered. Joel’s my family now – ’e was always the one who was good to me in any case. Me and Mom were never close.’
Nance stared at her, smiling gently, her old friend with her wayward black hair and face that was still rather impish even now, in her twenties.
‘You – a bargee – I can’t believe it.’
‘We ain’t bargees.’ Maryann sat up straighter. ‘We’re Number Ones. Well – we were. I’ll miss yer, Nance – but I’ll be back. We always were best pals, eh?’
Late in the afternoon, when the waiting was becoming almost unbearable, at last there came a tap at the door. Maryann saw Nance’s face tense up as Joel opened the door and they all saw Darius’s stern features lifted into a rather flustered smile.
‘At last!’ Joel cried. ‘I thought them moty boats was s’posed to be quicker.’
Darius stepped in, acknowledging everyone with a nod. ‘The trouble I’ve ’ad with the bloody thing – there’s been many a time today I’d’ve said we’d be better off going back to ’aving a horse any day. Once she got going though, she did put on a bit of speed. Takes getting used to I can tell you – she vibrates fit to shake your teeth out! Anyway – I’ve got a load on so we’re all set. You ready then, are you?’
‘Can I get you a cup of tea, Darius?’ Nance asked softly.
‘Nancy.’ He nodded again, not meeting her eyes. ’Er – no ta. I think we’ll be getting on.’
Nance nodded. Maryann could tell how much it hurt her that Darius was being so distant with her, but what choice did he have?
‘Come on—’ she said briskly. The less drawn-out the farewells the better, she thought. ‘Let’s get moving. You got everything, Joel?’
She had her case with her things in and Joel had a small bundle. They had few possessions and even if they had had more, there was little space for anything on the Esther Jane.
When they had gathered themselves together, Nance suddenly untied her apron and said, ‘Look – I don’t want to say goodbye ’ere. I’ll come down with yer—’
‘You sure that’s a good idea?’ Maryann asked anxiously. It just seemed like prolonging the agony.
‘It’s awright,’ Nance said staunchly. ‘I just want to see yer off properly.’
Darius said he’d brought the boat through to Gas Street as it was nearer, and he’d already picked up a load of brass fittings to take south the next day. There was only about half a mile to walk. They took it slowly for Joel’s sake. Maryann was concerned about how very easily he tired. She walked ahead with him, and Nancy and Darius followed at a distance which increased gradually as they went along. Maryann could just hear their voices, lowered, talking urgently. By the time they reached the cut, Nance was in tears. Maryann saw that while Darius was talking earnestly to her, trying to comfort her, he refrained from putting his arm round her shoulder
s.
The sun was beginning to set, glinting on windows, casting gold on the dark water and turning the chimney stacks and warehouses round them into black silhouettes. They had to step across a couple of other boats to reach the Esther Jane, turning their faces away, as was the custom, from the private living quarters of their occupants. When Joel stepped down into the Esther Jane his legs almost gave way. Maryann caught him.
‘No work for you,’ she said. ‘You’ve got a lot of resting to do.’
But he sat beside the tiller, panting a little, and looked round in sheer delight. The boat was sitting quite low in the water, filled with sacks of brassware.
‘Home – at last. It’s felt like an eternity – ’specially in that ’ospital.’
‘Saved your life though,’ Darius said.
Joel nodded. ‘They did. But I reckon it was someone else ’ere coming back to me really did it.’ He laid his arm round Maryann’s shoulder. She nestled into his embrace, though painfully aware of Nance’s presence. They were all squeezed in at the back together. ‘You’ll ’ave to show me what they done to ’er.’ Joel eyed the new chimney of the Bolinder motor jutting out of the Esther Jane’s cabin roof. ‘When I’ve got my breath back.’
There was an awkward silence. A sliver of cloud crossed the setting sun and for a moment a chill darkness passed over everything, the gold leeching out of the ripples.
‘Well,’ Nance said, with a huge effort at cheerfulness. ‘I’d best be getting back then. Get Mick’s tea or there’ll be trouble.’
‘You’ve been very good to us,’ Joel said. ‘I’m ever so grateful to you, Nance.’
‘Oh – that’s awright,’ she said, struggling not to cry.
She and Maryann flung their arms round one another.
‘Thanks, Nance – for everything. We’ll be back to see yer – often as we can.’
‘You’d better—’ Her voice was choked. ‘Hark at me – I must go.’ Hastily she held out her hand. ‘Goodbye – Darius.’
‘Tara.’ He spoke very quietly, painfully reluctant to let go of her hand.
She turned and climbed back over on to the bank. ‘Don’t go falling in, any of yer!’ she called, and Maryann could hear her tearfulness. She watched Darius as Nance gave a final wave and slipped away into the dusk which lay in thick folds along the wharves. His eyes didn’t leave her until she was out of sight.
Though they spent the evening busily, somehow Nance was still with them. Darius and Joel spent some time peering into the engine as Darius explained how it worked and how they had to maintain it, while Maryann fried up their evening meal and then they sat in the tiny cabin together: Darius on the step, his plate held in his enormous hands; Maryann and Joel at the table under the little lamp bracket. It was as cosy as she remembered and she felt herself glowing with happiness. Here she was, on the Esther Jane with her two favourite people in all the world.
‘Soon as Joel’s up to scratch,’ Darius announced, ‘I’ll go back and work for Fellows, Morton and Clayton. That way we’ll ’ave another wage coming in. I don’t think our dad’s going to be up to coming back on the cut. You two can make this your ’ome. Essy Barlow’ll give us another butty to tow so you can get a decent load.’ Putting the motor in had taken up some of the space previously occupied by cargo.
Joel nodded. He knew how sore Darius was about Nance, but they would not put this into words. And on the cut necessity meant getting work and keeping moving at all costs. ‘Thanks,’ he said. ‘You’ve held everything together, Darius. I ’ope it won’t be long now – this blessed chest of mine.’
‘Keep her in the family any’ow,’ Darius went on. ‘You’ll ’ave another family growing up on ’ere.’
As soon as they’d eaten, Joel said he had to lie down and Darius pulled down the cross bench for him. Blushing, Maryann wondered where she was going to sleep. She’d have the bench, she decided – until she was married. The two brothers could sleep together.
As soon as Joel was settled, Darius said, ‘I’ll be off out for a couple of pints,’ and out he went.
Maryann finished the washing-up. Joel was quiet, sleeping, she thought. She tried to put the plates away quietly, not clatter them and wake him. She eyed the cabin. She’d get the place spick and span again. She wasn’t having any of the other boatwomen saying she couldn’t keep it nice. The crochet work was looking worn and grey. She was going to learn how to do it and make her own, all fresh! When they were tied up somewhere she’d get one of the women to teach her.
Turning, she saw Joel was watching her.
‘Ooh – you made me jump!’ She laughed. ‘I thought you was asleep!’
‘Come and get in ’ere with me.’
‘Joel! We ain’t married!’
‘We will be soon enough. Go on. Just a cuddle.’
She went and sat beside him. ‘I thought you were tired?’
‘Not that tired.’
‘What if Darius comes back?’
‘He won’t. Why d’you think ’e went out?’
She unfastened her frock and lay down beside him in her slip. They lay very close together on the narrow bed, looking at one another in the rosy light of the cabin. She saw the speckled colour of his lashes and his loving expression.
‘Back home.’ He smiled. ‘Maryann – my lovely Maryann.’
She stroked his face. After a week at Nance’s his cheeks were covered by a down of gingery hair. ‘Your beard’s coming back. You’re starting to look right again.’
He laughed. ‘That’s nice to know.’ His arm pulled her even closer and they kissed. Their bodies were pressed together and in panic she realized how aroused he was. ‘That’s not the only thing that’s coming back,’ he murmured.
She stiffened and he sensed it immediately.
‘It’s all right.’ He kissed her flushed cheek, drawing back a little, and stroked her hair. ‘It’s awright, little ’un. I ent going to force myself on you without your say so. It just shows how much I love you, that’s all.’ He kissed her face in between talking to her. ‘You’re my little bird and I don’t want you flying away. Just let me love you a bit tonight – bit by bit. I want you to love me too – not to find me horrible.’
She felt herself relax at his assurances. This was Joel – she had always been able to trust him.
‘Oh Joel – I could never find you horrible. And I know how long you’ve waited. It’s just – we ain’t married and I’m – I’m a bit frightened of it . . .’
‘I know . . . I know. But don’t be frightened, lovely one . . . You’re meant to like it.’
Gently, slowly, he began to love her body into life. She was moved by his desire for her as he stroked her.
‘Your hands are softer these days,’ she said.
‘Oh – that won’t last long on ’ere!’
She began to relax as he ran his hands under her slip and touched her breasts. Gradually he pulled the slip down and kissed her and the sensation made her gasp. Excitement rose in her, sudden and strange. For a moment her mind rebelled – no, no, it was wrong to feel this, it was horrible! And she tensed, but when he continued to touch her and she saw the pent-up pleasure and need in his face she tried to relax. No, it wasn’t wrong. It had to be right. She and Joel could make it right.
She clung to him, stroking him. ‘Oh Joel . . . oh . . .’
‘It’s all right—’ He moved his hand between her legs and she flinched, then forced herself to relax. All the vile poking and prodding that Norman Griffin had done flashed back to her for those moments and she moaned, forcing her eyes open.
‘It’s all right, my love,’ he kept saying. ‘I don’t want to hurt you – just to love you . . . love you, little bird . . .’
After a time he leaned close, his breathing very quick. ‘Can I – please?’
She knew she couldn’t refuse him. She loved him too much to refuse him anything and she gave a tiny nod. She must do it for him.
That first moment, feeling the weight of him and his
moving inside her she almost screamed, but she watched him, seeing the love in his face, the way he didn’t abandon her for his own pleasure but stayed with her, looking into her eyes. ‘My love . . . my love,’ he gasped. ‘Oh my little love . . .’ When he had reached his climax he kissed her again and again, and they lay holding one another tenderly.
Maryann was full of wonder, of relief. They’d done it! She knew it was something every married woman had to get over with. And it was going to be all right. With Joel it could be. She could be married in every sense, and not have to dread any part of it.
She woke next morning before dawn, cramped and stiff, and lay looking round, for a few moments, beside Joel’s warm back. There was very little to see, but she could just make out the dark shape of the range and hear Darius breathing loudly on the other bench. She was here, on the Esther Jane! It was really going to be her home. How long would it be before she could stop pinching herself and really believe it?
And last night – Oh Lor’, she thought. Did I really . . .? The thought that they’d fallen asleep and Darius must have come back and found them both side by side and dead to the world was mortifying. But this was outweighed by her happiness. She smiled, sleepily. It’ll be all right, I can love him – I can be a normal woman! It was really too late to worry about Darius now. The next night she’d suggest sleeping on the other bed. But she found herself hoping Darius would refuse to let her.
She kissed Joel’s warm back, then eased herself off the bed, pulled her clothes on in the dark and crept out, taking the bowl to relieve herself, thankful that there was little sound from anywhere around. Then she went back in and lit the lamp and got the range going to put a kettle on and by the time she’d done that, Darius was up and she heard others around them beginning to stir.
‘We need to be on our way,’ Darius said. ‘I’m going to get her going.’
Maryann got a huge shock when Darius started the engine. It felt all wrong without old Bessie hauling away on the bank. He had said the boat vibrated, but when all the china in the cabin started rattling and she felt as if she was being shaken up inside a salt cellar, she realized life was going to be very different from when the Esther Jane had Bessie pulling them serenely through the water. Soon she could also smell the acrid fumes from the funnel as well as the constant phut-phutting sound of the engine. It woke Joel.
