by Soraya Lane
Tom held her tighter and she squeezed away tears. She’d never spoken about it, not truly, to anyone.
“It took me six months to recover fully from the accident, but at the time I wanted to die. I couldn’t see what the point of living was if I couldn’t dance, because it was my whole life.”
Tom pushed her away slightly before turning her to face him, holding her at arm’s length. “But I’ve seen you dance. What happened?”
Caitlin shook her head slowly from side to side. “I can dance enough to teach because I spent hours and hours trying to regain my strength and ability, but the damage to my left leg meant I could never dance to the same level again.” She walked away, needed some distance. “So when I tell you I know what it’s like to have your body fail you, to have to give up the one thing in the world that makes you who you are, you need to start believing me.”
She tried not to choke on her tears, because it still hurt. It hurt because what she loved had been stolen from her through no fault of her own. It hurt because she’d trusted a man she should have run a mile from, and he was responsible for what had happened to her.
And now she was hurting because she’d been so close to letting someone else in after all these years, and he was on the verge of hurting her badly, too. It hurt to remember, to talk about it, but she needed to get it out. After so long keeping her past to herself, she was ready to open up.
“Caitlin, I’m sorry, I wish I’d listened to you.”
She smiled at him over her shoulder, trying to be brave and failing. “Me, too.”
He stopped moving, became immobile. “Please tell me you’ll give me a second chance,” he said, eyebrows creased. “I know I should have…”
Caitlin put her hand up, fingers touching the air. “I’ve heard a lot of should haves over the years, Tom,” she told him, needing to get everything off her chest here and now, not wanting to leave anything else unsaid between them. “I had a dad who let me down time and time again until he eventually gave up and left me alone, and I had a boyfriend do the same thing to me. So when I tell you that I don’t need to be hurt again, I mean it.”
“I haven’t always been like this, Caitlin. This—” he threw his hands up in the air “—everything that’s happened changed me. I used to be the guy wanting a wife and a family, and now I can’t even figure myself out, let alone be there for anyone else.” He paused, looking defeated. “I’m embarrassed by my behavior and I’m sorry. I want to protect you, not hurt you. I know it might be hard for you to believe, but it’s true.”
Tears stung her eyes. He was being honest, brutally honest, and she couldn’t blame him for that. But it hurt. Damn it, it hurt! Because at one stage she’d thought that maybe, just maybe, he could be the guy for her. That he was capable of giving her what she so badly wanted in a man.
“Do you know the difference between you and me, Tom?” she asked, even though it pained her so badly it was like carving a hole through her chest.
He shook his head, waiting for her response.
“You have people around you who love you. They love you so much,” she said, wiping at her eyes with the back of one hand. “You have a mom who’d do anything for you, a brother who loves you, a sister-in-law and a niece. You know who I had?”
Tom took a step toward her, but she stepped back, not letting him any closer.
“I only had me, Tom. Me.” She put one hand over her heart. “My dad was out of the picture, my mom died before she ever saw me dance again, and none of my New York friends cared enough to look out for me after the accident.”
Tom looked at the ground, scuffed his feet in the dirt. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, so am I,” she said, not bothering to fight the tears now, letting them wet her cheeks. “You have no idea how lucky you are, how great your life is. What happened to you is awful, it sucks, I get that, but you’re going to be fine.”
Tom reached out, fingers skimming hers. “Why does this feel like you’re about to say goodbye?”
Caitlin shut her eyes, squeezed away the tears before braving a smile. “Because it is goodbye, for now anyway.” She took a shuffled step backward, and then another, before turning and walking away from him. She kept her shoulders squared, back straight, proud of herself for being so strong.
“Caitlin, I’m sorry.”
She didn’t stop, only held her head higher, forcing the distance between them before turning and giving him one last look, saying the words that needed to be said. “I have to go, Tom. You need to figure out what’s going on in your life before I can ever consider letting you become a part of mine.”
Caitlin heard him call out again, but she kept moving forward, focused on putting one foot in front of the other, even thought it hurt like hell and she probably should have been on crutches. It was one of the hardest things she’d ever done, but it was also the right thing.
Tom meant something to her; it was the only reason this hurt so bad, but it was also the reason she’d had to be honest, and why she had to walk away.
Maybe he’d never seek her out again, and she wouldn’t hold it against him if he didn’t, but the thought of never ever seeing him again made something within her break.
She’d get back to the road and figure out how to get home. She didn’t want his help, and she didn’t want to be coddled as though she was in danger of breaking. After all these years with only herself to count on, she wasn’t useless and she didn’t want anyone to pity her, not ever.
Especially not Tom.
* * *
Tom watched her go but he didn’t move. Couldn’t. Even thought it hurt him to see her limp off like that, made him want to run to her side and help her, to be there for her.
She was right. She was so damn right.
How could he have been such a jerk? Behaved as he had, when Caitlin had faced the same type of heartache, gone through so much in her life? If he’d only listened to her, given her the time and respect she deserved, she’d still have been standing beside him right now.
He was supposed to be able to read people, to understand situations and figure out how best to proceed. It had been what he’d trained for all these years, what he’d always been good at. He was meant to protect and serve.
But instead he’d stuffed up the one good thing he had going for him right now. Just because he hadn’t wanted to meet anyone, because he didn’t feel ready for the things he’d once craved, like a woman in his life and a future, being a father, didn’t mean he could let Caitlin go. Couldn’t let his demons get the better of him and regrets ruin his life.
Seeing Caitlin walk away was almost as hard as saying goodbye to his career.
And that told him everything he needed to know.
Tom turned away, refusing to watch her retreating figure any longer, and instead started to run. She wanted to be alone and she’d made it clear that she was used to being independent, so right now he needed to do what he was good at. Burn energy, push his body to the limit. What he needed to do was sprint until his lungs were burning so hard he could barely breathe, and his mind was so exhausted he wouldn’t be able to think.
Maybe he needed to walk away. Maybe he needed to figure out what he’d done here, how he’d managed to stuff this up so bad. When had he turned into the kind of guy who’d taken center stage and refused to let anyone else show him that he wasn’t alone? The kind of arrogant ass who thought that what he was going through wasn’t on par with what happened to other people every single day? That he wasn’t alone in his pain?
Tom ran faster, pushed himself, tried to empty his mind of thoughts and get into the zone, the head space he’d become so good at getting into when he’d been on a mission, out in the field.
He had flashbacks, visions of the morning when it had all gone so terribly wrong. Bursts of images behind his eyes, of the explosion, of what he remembered of it, of losing his buddy and not being able to hear a thing.
Tom wiped the back of one hand into his eyes, rubbed the blur away,
stopped. He dropped his head, knees bent, heaving, hardly able to breathe. He felt as though he was going to suffocate, drop where he was standing.
He forced his body up and took off at a sprint again, knowing he couldn’t keep up the pace but not caring. He needed to push himself as hard as he could go, to stop thinking and focus on his body.
That’s what he needed. Only then would he be able to deal with what had just happened, with what he was up against. And figure out what he was going to do to make it up to Caitlin.
If that was even possible.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“OKAY, go for it.”
Tom sat back, nursing a beer but not remotely interested in drinking it. He deserved whatever Daniel gave him.
“Idiot, loser, moron.” Daniel grinned before shrugging. “You know I don’t mean it, right?”
Tom sank deeper into the sofa. “Yeah? Well, I know I meant it when I said it to you.”
It wasn’t that long ago that he’d ripped into his brother for being an idiot and almost wrecking his marriage. Now he was the one who’d stuffed up big-time.
“Advice?”
Daniel shook his head. “All I know is that I’d hate to be without Penny. If I hadn’t had you and mom to kick my butt over the whole thing, I could have lost her forever.”
“So what’re you trying to say?” Tom asked his brother.
Daniel leaned forward, intent. “If you think you stuffed up, then suck it up and say sorry. Do what you have to do to make things right.”
Daniel was right. Everything he was saying made sense, but it didn’t make the situation any easier to deal with. “I have a scary feeling that she’s the one, Dan. It’s in my gut, it’s keeping me awake at night.” But it wasn’t the only thing keeping him awake. His dreams, his nightmares, were worse again—back to what each night had been like since he’d been home, nothing like the peaceful night he’d had lying in Caitlin’s arms, with her tucked against him.
Daniel laughed, sipping on his beer. “If she’s the one, then I pity her.” He held up his beer, raised it to the ceiling. “To Caitlin, you poor, poor girl.”
Tom scowled. “What makes you think making it up to her will be that easy? There’s more to it than just saying sorry. I don’t think she’ll even want to hear me out.”
That really made Daniel laugh. “That’s the thing, bro. It ain’t going to be easy. She’ll chew you up and spit you out, then stomp all over you. But if she’s the one, she’s the one.” He shrugged again. “Besides, saying sorry is always a good start.”
Tom put down his beer and dropped to the ground. It was the only way he knew how to deal with whatever was going on in his head.
“Whatcha doing, Tommy?” Gabby’s singsong voice stopped him in his tracks.
“Press-ups,” he grunted, lifting his body up and down, hands planted into the carpet, muscles pulling back and forth.
“Your uncle’s punishing himself.”
Tom didn’t bother to glare at Daniel; he kept his eyes trained on the ground, focused on the rigid up-and-down motion of his arms.
“Why?” Gabby asked.
Tom listened to Daniel snigger but ignored him. “Because I like to work out when I’ve got stuff on my mind.”
“Like my teacher?” she asked.
Daniel burst into laughter now, slapping his hand against his thigh. Tom rose, stood up and glared down at Gabby. She was standing all cute and innocent in front of him, twisting her hair between her fingers, not scared of him in the least.
So how the hell was it he’d managed to scare Caitlin? When he should have been doing his darnedest to show her he’d protect her no matter what?
“Why? Why would it have anything to do with your teacher?” he asked.
She giggled. “Because Miss Rose’s been all sad this week, just like you have been. And I saw you kiss her.” Gabby looked proud of herself, as though she’d just divulged a major secret. “So that means I know you like her.”
“Gabby, does Cait— I mean Miss Rose, teach ballet on a Saturday?”
Gabby shrugged, but he didn’t care. This was his chance.
“Daniel, I didn’t understand what you were going through when you gave everything up for your family,” Tom admitted, hoping his brother recognized his words as an apology.
His brother smiled over at him. “Yeah, maybe not, but I decided to walk away from the Navy. You didn’t have a choice.”
“What if it wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened to me? Maybe it was time for me to do something different.”
Daniel raised his eyebrows. “Maybe, but jeez, Tom, I don’t know. You can talk it to death, but at the end of the day you’re out. You’re not a SEAL now and you need to make the most of what you’ve got.”
Daniel’s words seemed to echo in his mind. He wasn’t a SEAL anymore. The sooner he got over that, the sooner he had a chance at being happy and making a new life for himself.
“Your ear’s damaged but you still have all your limbs and you have your mind. You’re alive.”
Tom looked up. Penny was leaning in the doorway, arms folded, watching him. He didn’t look away, because she was right. Penny had every right to be the one to tell him that, because she’d made it home from war, had been a soldier and a brave one at that. And she’d lost people she was close to while she was away peacekeeping—he knew that, too.
“How much did you hear?” Tom asked her.
She smiled widely, making him feel that he was the most important person in the room, as she always managed to do. “Most of it,” she said. “Figure it out, Tom, and do it quick.”
“I gotta go.” Tom grabbed his coat and raised his hand in a wave as he rushed to the door.
“Tom and teacher up a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…”
He didn’t even bother to scold Gabby for singing her little song, although her squeals of laughter told him that Daniel was probably play-scolding her on his behalf. His brother had listened to him when he’d needed an ear, his sister-in-law had put everything in perspective in one sentence, and his niece had made him realize that maybe, just maybe, Caitlin had been moping about, too. That maybe she was hurt and wishing things had turned out differently, just as he was.
It was up to him to make this right.
He’d been an idiot, a fool…everything his brother had called him. What he needed to do now was make it up to her. Because Caitlin had told him to figure out who he was and what he wanted.
Now he knew. He wanted her, and nothing was going to stand in his way. That’s what he wanted. But even if she wouldn’t forgive him, he needed to change his attitude for himself.
Tom was used to getting his own way, to being the boss and working a certain way. Caitlin had changed all the rules and he still wanted to play the game.
And that told him everything he needed to know.
She was right and he was wrong, and that wasn’t something he’d ever liked to admit before.
* * *
Caitlin stretched in front of the mirror, showing her class exactly what she expected of them. They were older girls on a Saturday morning, young women who were starting to remind her more and more of herself at the same age. They might not want to become professional ballerinas, but they loved what they were doing and that’s what mattered to her.
She stopped to survey the room, looking over each girl to make sure they were stretching and moving correctly.
Oh, my.
She hadn’t heard the door open, but she knew it had. She’d been so consumed with dance that she hadn’t seen him, but she had now.
Tom. The man she so desperately wanted to stop thinking about, but who’d been in her thoughts every minute of every day since they’d parted so badly.
She’d missed him.
“I’ll be back in a moment, girls, then we’ll run through the rehearsal,” Caitlin instructed in a firm, unwavering tone.
When she met Tom’s gaze, she didn’t feel so confident. Didn’t have the core strength tha
t she was usually so good at summoning. Because Tom rocked her off her axis and made it tough to rebalance. Even if she wasn’t physically scared of him any longer.
“Caitlin,” he said when she neared. “I’m sorry to interrupt.”
She smoothed away imaginary creases in her snug-fitting top, touched over her skintight leggings, all the time watching him. Seeing him. Realizing how much she’d missed him, even though she’d tried so hard to fight it. To tell herself he wasn’t worth the pain.
“I can’t talk here,” she said, wishing she could throw herself into his arms. Wishing they were more, but then knowing they couldn’t be. That it was never going to happen. Caitlin looked into his rich, dark eyes, at the softness of his mouth as he smiled at her. “Why are you here?” she whispered.
“Because I was an idiot and I’m here to make sure you believe it,” he said, holding her gaze. “Can I see you after class?”
Caitlin looked over her shoulder at the girls still dancing, then back at the man before her. She wanted to say yes so badly, but…
“Why?” she asked, her voice low, not quite able to say no.
“Because I’m hoping you believe that everyone deserves a second chance,” he said, his voice husky and low, too. Tom reached for her hand, squeezed her palm inside his. “Just give me this afternoon. Hear me out.”
Caitlin wavered, the desire to say yes stronger, then disappearing. But she couldn’t say no, could she? Not when he was standing before her, honestly and truly asking for a chance to prove himself. It didn’t even mean she was giving him a second chance. Maybe it just meant that she was prepared to hear him out.
“Just this afternoon?” she asked.
Tom grinned, nodding. “Just this afternoon. If you still think I’m an idiot after that, I promise I’ll never bother you again.”
Caitlin touched her hand to his cheek, smiling back at him. No matter what he’d done, she knew he was kind. That he was a nice man, a brave man who did nice things in his life and for his family. What she didn’t know was whether he was the right kind of man for her. Or if she was even capable of letting a man in again.
