by Janae Keyes
“Because you are a piece of shit liar,” she grumbled. “Listen, don’t call me with your sob story bullshit.”
Those were her exact words the day I told her. She called me a piece of shit liar. I remembered it clear as day. It was a hot July afternoon, and my mom was high as a fucking kite. She sat on the couch barely in tune with the world, her dark hair a mess on the top of her head. Her eyes glassed over and the words that came from her mouth were harsh.
“Don’t come to me with your sob story bullshit, kid.”
“Are you high?” I asked, changing the subject. “Because I’m high as a motherfucking kite.” I couldn’t help myself. I laughed manically for a second before I saw Lia’s face enter my mind. Fuck, it was all ruined.
“Well, enjoy your fucking high like the rest of us and don’t call me unless you want to send me some damn money.” That’s all she said before the line went dead. She called herself my mother. What a joke.
I had to hear Lia’s voice. I needed just that. I couldn’t ask her to give me her love again because I’d fucked it up. I was an addict that didn’t deserve the stellar love that Lia had given.
The buzzing in my blood was exhilarating. That’s what I got from the high. I got that rush and feeling that I was invincible, but at the end of the day, I knew I wasn’t. I was a failure and the drugs didn’t change it. They only made it worse. The drugs made me the failure I was.
“Hello,” her sweet voice rang out sleepily as she answered the phone. Lia never had to answer my calls and plenty of times she didn’t. Tonight was another story, she’d answered when I needed it the most. “Max, are you there?”
“I’m here. I had to call you,” I confessed to her. “I’ve failed you and I’m sorry. I wanted to be that man for you. I wanted to be the one you could depend on and love forever, but as it turned out, I couldn’t be him. I just need you so fucking bad, Lia.”
“You know I can’t do that again. I love you Max and I’ll always love you, but you broke my heart and your promises to me. I don’t want to be selfish, but I need to be. I have to do what is best for me. I can’t help you unless you want to help yourself.”
“I’m too far gone.”
“Then please don’t call me.” I could hear her crying. I remembered that night I called her and I’d told her what happened to me and I told her she wasn’t allowed to cry when I wasn’t there to wipe her tears away. “I’m trying to heal my heart. I’m trying to forget you.”
Those final whispered words broke the remains of my heart. I’d done that to her. The fucked up addict that was me, Max Madden, had destroyed someone else. I didn’t deserve to live when I’d committed such a sin. “I’m sorry. I hope you have the beautiful life you were meant to have.” I had said my piece, so I hung up. Lia didn’t need me to drag her down anymore. I didn’t need to drag anyone else down. The end was near.
23
Lia
It was the second time tonight that my phone had rung. I hoped it wasn’t Max again. I would have to block his number or change mine. He was making it hard to forget him. I still felt selfish for turning my back on him. He needed help, but I knew I couldn’t be the one to give it. Groaning, I leaned over to my nightstand and picked up my cell phone. This time it wasn’t Max, though. It was a Bay Area number, but not one I recognized. I could just deny it and go to sleep, but I answered it instead.
“This is Lia,” I said with a sleepy yawn.
“Lia, this is JC,” said the voice of the guy who claimed to be Max’s best friend. “I know it’s late, but you’re the only other person Max has.”
“Had,” I said, correcting his word tense to the past.
“Has. Please...umm… Max tried to kill himself.”
In that moment, my entire world came crashing down on me. I shook my head, not believing JC. Max wouldn’t attempt suicide. At least I didn’t think he would. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I needed to see Max so I could touch him and know he was going to be all right.
“When? Where? How?” Suddenly, I was spouting off one word questions anxious to get the entire story, anxious to know how the man I loved with everything was. I didn’t care how bad he hurt me, I still loved him too much.
“Tonight. I guess he took too many pills on purpose. I don’t know. I’m at the hospital with him now. We’re in Colorado Springs. They think he’ll make it. You’re all he has. I know you should be here.”
My heartbeat became rapid and strong. I could feel it battering inside of my chest. Max had no one. He really didn’t have anyone. His mother sounded like a basket case and the only other person was JC. I had to be there by his side to hold his hand and tell him how important he is to this earth.
“I’m going to try and get a flight. I will call you with details. If you see him before I get there, tell him I love him and I’m coming. Please tell him for me, JC,” I cried as tears flowed down my face.
I was already at my closet throwing things into a suitcase. I didn’t know how long I’d be in Colorado, but I would be there no matter what.
“I will, I promise.” That’s all I needed to hear from JC.
Arriving at the airport in Colorado Springs, I was exhausted, but I was anxious to finally see Max and get word on his condition. I pulled my carryon luggage to baggage claim where I spotted JC leaning against a pillar.
The man looked an absolute mess. His dark curly hair was limp and there were dark circles under his eyes. For the first time, I could sympathize with him.
He approached me and took the handle of my bag. I gave him a weak smile although I’d been nervous about hearing Max’s condition.
“Is this your only bag?”.
“Yeah. How’s Max?” I asked right away.
“They pumped his stomach and he was still out of it when I left. They said he might wake up soon.”
I watched his green eyes, but they refused to meet mine. He was twitchy and uninterested. “Are you okay?” I asked, placing my hand on his arm.
His best friend had just attempted suicide. I knew he was experiencing an avalanche of emotions as I was. Yes, I loved Max in another way, but JC had known him since they were kids.
“I’m just trying to figure out how to spin this with the press and deal with the coaches. Max really fucked up anything he had going for him,” he disgustingly explained as he began to roll my suitcase through the doors and outside into the cool air.
Right away, I reached and snatched the handle of my suitcase. He sharply turned to face me, confused why I’d taken my bag away from him.
“The fuck is wrong with you?” he asked angrily as other travelers passed us by as they entered and exited the doors.
“Max tried to kill himself and your concern is the media and the damn coaches. You’re a deplorable human. I don’t fucking need you to take me to the hospital. I’ll get there myself.” With my piece said, I turned away and dragged my suitcase behind me to find a car rental counter.
Grumbling to myself and shaking my head, I was sick to my stomach. JC only cared about himself and how fat his wallet was. He didn’t give a damn that his best friend nearly died.
It didn’t take me too long to rent a car and head to the hospital. Luckily, while waiting for my flight at San Francisco International, JC had told me the hospital where Max was being treated. I swallowed hard as I approached the hospital. Max’s condition was a mystery to me. There was also the fact that I played a role in the path he’d taken. He’d called me, and because I was a self-absorbed human, I told him that I wanted to forget him. I quite possibly was the last person he’d reached out to before his decision. I probably influenced it.
Tears spilled down my cheeks and I hadn’t even left my parked car. I worried about Max’s recovery. Would he ever be the same again? My mind thought back to a night we were together at the Willows Center. I was in his arms as we lay in bed, watching the snow falling outside through the window while eating snacks. That was a simple moment when we were a picture of happiness, but even
then, Max was fighting his demons.
Stepping from the car, I found my way into the hospital and to an information desk. I was prepared for them to deny my visit because I wasn’t family, but to my surprise, JC had done one selfless thing. He had pre-approved me for Max’s visitation list.
“Ms. Crestwood,” someone called, and I sharply turned around.
A middle-aged black man in a white lab coat waited for me. I stepped to him, assuming he was Max’s doctor. I tried, but I couldn’t read his face. Nothing gave away his prognosis.
“I’m Dr. Gibson. Mr. Madden is still resting. We’ve pumped his stomach and have IV fluids running to flush his system,” he explained.
I nodded. “Do you know what happened?” I asked.
“It seems like he purposely took about twenty Oxycodone pills. His manager found him early in the morning. He was foaming at the mouth.”
I gasped at the details. I shook my head. I never would’ve imagined finding Max that way.
“Will he be okay? Please tell me he will be okay.” I’d already begun crying and unexpectedly the doctor pulled me to him and rubbed my back to calm me. I sniffed my tears away.
“From what I can tell, he will be fine physically. I spoke with a Dr. Cynthia Reed who was his psychologist at the Willows Center. She will be here tomorrow. She’ll be in charge of his mental health. You can see him now if you’d like.”
“Really?” I asked, ready to hold Max’s hand and let him know he belonged in the world no matter what anyone said. He’d felt alone and misunderstood his entire life. I’d misunderstood him.
“Come and I’ll take you.”
After a brief walk, we arrived at a room. I could already hear the monitoring machines beeping before I even stepped inside. Max was asleep. His vibrate cream skin was pale and his chin covered in a thick layer of hair. Naturally, he was massive man in size but, he seemed frail to me.
Immediately, I dragged a chair to his side. I pulled his hand into mine and stroked the back of it. His skin was warm as I remembered it. I smiled to myself, feeling his strong pulse. I hadn’t lost him completely, and he could fight his way back. He’d be his own champion.
“I’ve missed you,” I whispered. “Things happened so fast. It was scary for me and emotional. I had this idea of us in my head and suddenly that idea was a figment of my imagination. I was so mad at you and I hated myself for it. I should have loved you past it all. I do love you past it all.”
Max wasn’t responsive, but I needed to get it all off my chest. It didn’t matter to me if he could hear me or not. I could repeat it later. I’d tell him every single day how I was there for him and if he needed anything I wasn’t going to leave his side. Did that mean a future for us relationship wise? Only time would tell, but I refused to close my heart to him again.
I leaned over and placed my head on his pillow. His scent was the same and still caused butterflies to flutter in my stomach like it used to. His breath was steady and slow, I listened to it carefully, grateful that he was still breathing.
“Hey, Mom,” I said as I stood outside of Max’s room. I watched him sleep through the window. My fingers trailed over the glass as I ached to be back by his side, but I needed to give my mom an update.
“How’s Max doing?”
“He’s alive, which I’m so grateful for. The doctor says we will have more answers when he wakes up, but right now his prognosis is good,” I told her as I continued to observe the man I had so much wrapped into.
“How are you?”
“I’m scared,” I admitted with trickling from my eyes. I took a deep breath. Max always relied on me to be positive. I had to find it in myself to be positive now.
Surveying him, memories of our past together ran through my mind; memories of our explosive love, our shared passion, and planned future.
“I hope he’s okay when he wakes up,” I cried as I wiped my tears away. “I feel partly responsible. He’d called me before he took the pills, and I told him I was trying to forget him. How could I say something like that to him? I knew he was vulnerable and I drove him over the edge.”
“Don’t you dare blame yourself. Max made a decision based on a number of things, including his damaged mental state. It was not your fault that you didn’t tell him what he wanted to here. Knowing you, I know you told him what he needed to hear.” I knew if she were with me, she’d be shaking me to get her point across, but it wouldn’t make the hurt go away.
All of a sudden, I saw Max move for the first time. He slightly lifted his arm and shifted his body. I could see his eyeballs moving under the lids. I gasped and a smile spread across my face.
“Mom, I have to go. He’s waking up.” I shoved my phone in my pocket and entered the room. I was back at his side, holding his hand. “Hey, Max, you’re okay. That’s it. Open your eyes.”
“Lia?” His lips moved, but barely a whisper came out.
“It’s me, Max. I’m right here with you. I’m never leaving your side.”
24
Max
The voice of an angel lulled me in her direction, and I gladly followed. I had been expecting fire and brimstone, yet an angel greeted me as a member of heaven. Her calming voice was sweet and carried me toward her. She sounded like Lia, the one I loved. Damn, heaven was good.
My eyes were almost stuck together like glue, but I forced them into slits. Everything around me was hazy, but the voice of the angel was crystal clear. However, the sounds of machines beeped in the background, and a realization stuck. I wasn’t in heaven. I was still on earth.
Somehow her voice remained gentle. It drew me to her, the one I could never let go even if I tried. But I knew if I was in the hospital, more than likely, Lia wasn’t there. She had vowed to forget me. Tears escaped my eyes.
“Hey,” the voice said to me softly. “Don’t worry. You’re okay.”
Slowly, I opened my eyes wider. The room was dim, which was good because my head felt like someone had sliced a machete through it. I groaned and turned to see who the voice belonged to. My heart stopped. Lia.
“Lia,” I whispered, my voice unusually raspy.
“Yeah. Hey,” she said as she held onto my hand.
No, this wasn’t real. It wasn’t possible that Lia was by my side. I shook my head and closed my eyes. I’d become determined to open my eyes to another reality; one that was closer to the truth.
“Max, how are you feeling? Talk to me,” she insisted as I felt her fingers in my hair.
Sighing, I remembered how that felt; her gentle fingers stroking through my hair as we lay in bed together on a lazy afternoon. I had held onto those memories because I knew there would never be new ones like that ever again; at least not with Lia.
“Head... It hurts,” I grumbled through my sore throat.
“I can get the doctor to see what he can do about that,” she said
The moment I felt her touch leaving mine, I hung on tight. Even if she were a mirage, I was afraid she would disappear. “Don’t leave me.”
“Okay, I won’t. Let me just call the nurse.”
I stroked the back of her hand with my thumb. She certainly felt real to me. I tried to move more, but my pounding head was preventing me from doing much. My mouth also tasted disgusting like pure chemicals. Fuck, I could barely focus on anything. I closed my eyes again, but I didn’t want to fall back into unconsciousness.
“Hello, Max, I’m Dr. Gibson,” a male with a deep voice greeted me, causing my eyes to open.
Standing at the end of my bed was a tall black man who peered at me over his square framed glasses. He held an electronic tablet in his hands. He placed it on the foot of my bed.
Dr. Gibson came to my side. Lia gripped my hand and rubbed it.
Dr. Gibson touched my head and opened one of my eyes wide. He shined a bright-ass pen light on my sensitive orb. My head felt like it was going to explode. I shut my eyes hard.
“Fuck, that fucking hurts!” I screamed, my hand flew up and shoved him away
with all the might I could muster.
A loud crashing noise followed the shove and Lia’s touch instantly disappeared. My eyes shot open and I realized I’d pushed the doctor into an equipment cart. Lia was bent over helping the doctor up. A few frantic nurses entered in the room to help her.
“Shit, I’m sorry. Your light fucking hurt,” I apologized.
“I got that,” Dr. Gibson responded with a chuckle. At least the man wasn’t pissed at me for nearly giving him a serious injury.
Hell, I was surprised that even as weak as I was, I was still able to shove him so forcefully.
“You need to get some more rest. I will give you something light for the headache. We can’t handle our next bit of business until you’re feeling better, but you will have to go through a psychological evaluation because you did attempt suicide.”
I nodded. “I understand. I’m cool as long as Lia can stay with me,” I told him as I felt Lia’s touch return to me. Her hand rubbed my arm and gave it a squeeze.
“That will be up to the psychologist. I’ve been in contact with Cynthia Reed and she will be here in the morning for your psychological care.”
“I’ll stay as long as I can. Don’t worry about me going anywhere,” Lia told me before I felt her lips on my forehead. Those were the one’s I’d dreamed about since the last moment I saw her before we parted ways. Wars could end because of those plump pillows. No one could ever know the feel the way I did, but I also stood in limbo. She was here, supporting me, but was she mine? Would she ever be mine again?
There was nothing better to ask for. Lia had fallen asleep in the chair next to my bed, but eventually, she curled up in my bed. I inhaled her scent and felt her touch. This was my second chance. I’d resolved to end it and let my broken pieces lead me. Never again, especially with Lia by my side. Even if she were to maintain her decision to never be with me again, she’d been right. I had to fix myself.
