by D. Breeze
The day he gave up on me, would be the day I broke. Shattered. Crumbled. There just wouldn’t be anything left of me to save. I couldn’t stop crying into his t-shirt and my fingers were cramping from holding on to him so tightly.
“Seriously, come on pretty girl, tell me what’s happened.” His voice was no longer hard and angry. His tone held nothing but concern and I fully blame what I said, on that.
“I-I-I t-thought y-you were going to l-leave me” I stuttered, with my head still buried in his chest. I felt his arms tense, I realised my mistake immediately and I looked up into his face.
“Why would you think I was going to leave you?”
“You looked so angry” I answered, like it was obvious. To me, it was. Apparently, my opinion was wrong.
“Are you serious? I looked angry so you thought I was going to leave you? Babe, honestly, I really wish you’d get this into your head. I...am...not...going...anywhere. You have to stop thinking that this isn’t real. You look like someone just ruined your whole life. I don’t ever want to see that look on your face again. Ok?”
He wasn’t being harsh, it just wasn’t the first time he’d had to convince me that he wasn’t going anywhere. I knew he was starting to get frustrated with me, but his frustration just made my fears worse.
Catch twenty-two, I guess.
I nodded, not really trusting myself to speak. I knew I would try, really try and stop letting my fears overtake me, but I didn’t have much faith in my ability to do it. I pulled away from him and got into the back of the car, I didn’t want to look at his beautiful face, he always knew when I was lying and I couldn’t bear the thought of him being disappointed in me.
I watched Harvey roll himself out the front door, they’d had a ramp installed so I knew he could do that by himself now. He wheeled over to the car, but scowled when Jamie tried to help into the car, definitely both as stubborn as each other.
In the end, Jamie sighed and waited for Harvey for do it himself. It was not a pretty sight to see, there was a lot of grunting and swearing, but eventually, Harvey was in the front seat, wheelchair in the boot, and we were on the way to college.
No one spoke. Not a single word. They were both still being stubborn idiots as far as I was concerned, but I still did not have the confidence to tell them that. That was another thing Jamie had been ‘working on’ with me. He constantly told me that I needed to learn to say what I thought, to stand-up for myself and to not let people bother me so much. Easier said than done. I’d spent years learning how to protect myself and fade into the background, but being with someone like Jamie, that just was not even possible anymore.
I was sure I’d made improvements, don’t get me wrong, but he forgot a lot of the time that he had led a completely different life to me. If he told someone to move, they moved. If he asked someone to do him a favour, they did it. And most importantly, if he told someone his opinion, they accepted it as fact. Like he was some sort of God, which in my eyes he was, he just did what he wanted and it worked.
He tried to understand, I’m sure he did, and most the time it seemed like he got what I was trying to say when I explained. But I knew, I just knew, that he couldn’t. How could he? He didn’t have a mother with mental health issues, and yes, I was convinced now that she did. He didn’t have a father that abandoned him, and most importantly he didn’t have a ‘gift’ that made it near enough impossible to be open with people.
But he tried. That’s all the really mattered to me. So I didn’t tell him my fears that he’d never understand. I was sure he had enough to deal with as it was, especially with me.
As soon as we pulled up in the car park at college, the car was pounced upon by students wanting to see Harvey, asking if he was ok and how he was getting on. I could see from his face that he didn’t want sympathy but again, it wasn’t my place to say anything.
The first two classes past quickly and I found myself wandering around college with nothing to do. It was rare event, for me to be left on my own, but Jamie had another class before lunch and I was actually done for the day. I always hung around to wait for him though; he didn’t like me to walk home by myself anymore.
I should have been studying in the library, but in all honesty, I just wanted to make the most of my alone time. I wandered the hallways for a few minutes until I heard someone sigh, loudly, a few feet away.
I stopped and peered around the corner.
Harvey was sat, right at the top of the steps, staring down at them like they’d really pissed him off. There was a ramp he could have used, but it was at the other end of the hallway and I assumed either he was just being lazy, which I doubted – or he was being his usual pigheaded, stubborn-self. Then I decided, yes, he really was just being stubborn and pigheaded. He just wanted to prove to himself that he could get down the steps on his own. There was no way that he could have done it.
Harvey being back at school so early was, unexpected, to say the least. I’ve never understood why people flock around him, he’s just such a...a bad boy. Ok, so maybe I did get it, girls like the bad boy thing. But the guys? Maybe they just thought being seen with him would make them popular with the girls too.
It didn’t.
Seeing Harvey at his house, I was getting used to that. He ignored me and I ignored him, simple. In college? Not so much. I walked with Jamie, and Jamie was always with Harvey. There was no getting around it, I’d have to spend time around him. Great.
Jamie held on to me most of the time like he thought I was getting ready to flee. And he would have been right. I wanted to run to each class, sit right at the front and bury my nose in a textbook. He wouldn’t let me though. He was bound and determined to help me find the ‘real me’. If I didn’t know who she was, then how the hell did he? But to find her, or create her, I needed to face the world, he said. I should hold my head up high and I needed to stand up for myself.
Well, I hadn’t started yet, but I was sure I would... eventually.
I watched him for a few moments, he looked up at the steps and then around the empty corridor. I knew as well as he did, he didn’t have a hope in hell of getting down them on his own. He bit his lip and sighed.
Once again, I was struck by how vulnerable he looked; I could have sworn he had a split personality. It was in those fleeting moments, when he let his guard down, that he reminded me of Jamie. Their faces may have been identical, almost, but their personalities were polar opposites. I was actually very thankful for that fact.
I stepped forward, trying not to startle him and cause him to fall.
“Would you like me to help you?” I asked, gently.
He whipped his head around and scowled at me. “I don’t need anyone’s help.”
I tried not to, really I did, but I couldn’t help it. I raised an eyebrow and looked at him, then at each step, and back at him. “Really? And how do you intend to get down those steps?”
His eyes narrowed, dangerously. I knew he could ruin me, he still held a certain amount of influence over Jamie, so I decided I shouldn’t push my luck.
“Just run along little girl, I don’t need anyone’s help and I definitely don’t need yours.”
I shrugged. “Fair enough.”
And I slid back behind the wall I had hid behind. I didn’t actually leave though, I knew his stubborn arse would need my help eventually. I waited, ten seconds, twenty, he didn’t move. Then I watched as he rolled his wheels forward, inching closer to the steps.
My breath caught in my throat, if he fell, he could put his recovery back months, or worse. I couldn’t stand by anymore.
I stormed forward, not caring if he verbally abused me. He was getting my help, and that was that. So, it sounded better in my head, but I was still learning this whole ‘growing a backbone’ thing. I guess it needed a little more practise.
“For crying out loud, you stubborn...person. Let me help you!”
“No! I’m fine, I-I just, I’m figuring out the best way to do it.”
&n
bsp; I grabbed the handles of his wheelchair and tilted it back. “Sit back, I don’t want you to fall forward.”
He looked like he was going to argue, but after a few seconds of defiance, he leaned back. I bumped the chair down the five steps and straightened it back up at the bottom. It definitely looked like an easier job than it was, damn, he was heavy. Really heavy. I rolled my shoulders to release the strain, then turned to leave. He wouldn’t appreciate me saying ‘I told you so’.
I’d only walked a few steps when he said, “Thank you.”
I looked back over my shoulder, seeing his face a mask of confusion and still a slight indifference. I ignored the latter though, gave him a small smile and remembered something that Jamie has said to me once.
“Everyone needs someone, sometimes.” And I left, with a big grin on my face.
I did it! I stood up for what I wanted and it worked out. I was so sure Jamie would be proud of me.
Then I thought, did it really count if I was still doing it for someone else and not myself? I really didn’t know. So I’d stood up to Harvey, but it was for him anyway. My shoulders slumped. This ‘new me’ was going to be much harder than I thought, especially when I didn’t know the rules.
Shoot!
Chapter Eleven
Escalation
After the Harvey thing, the next hour past quickly and I was back in the car with Jamie, on the way home. Harvey still had classes and he decided to stay and watch the football team training anyway. I figured he must really miss playing, I almost felt bad for him.
“Were you alright while I was in class?” Jamie asked.
I sighed. Always the same question. “Jamie, honestly, I’ve been over this! I’m fine on my own, I know you think you need to protect me, but I’ve been on my own a long time and I’m fine. I just went to the library and then came to meet you. No one bothered me, no one said anything to me and it was fine.”
“Um, you could have just said it was fine.”
“Well stop asking me if I’m ok when I’ve been alone for an hour!”
“Alright babe, I’m sorry. You just know I worry about you.”
“Well don’t.”
He sighed. I knew I was being snappy, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was about to happen and, with me, a feeling is never just a feeling. Then the vision came.
She’s scared. I don’t why, or what of, but I can feel her fear. I can see her whimpering and she’s in pain. I can’t see her face, or where she is.
I knew Jamie was talking to me but I was too engrossed in my vision and I wanted to know who the girl was.
Someone’s hurting her, badly. She screams for them to let go but they don’t. There’s something majorly wrong, not just right then, but there’s a black cloud surrounding them and that’s never good. I can feel the fury radiating from the other person but I can’t see them either.
Blank. The vision cleared and I didn’t know a single thing. A random girl, in a random place gets hurt by a random person, and I can’t do a single thing about it. It was so odd, that vision, it was a warning; I just didn’t know what of.
“Jesus Christ, babe what the fuck just happened?”
My head snapped in the direction of Jamie’s voice and I opened my mouth to come up with an excuse, then I realised, I didn’t have to. He knew. I could confide in him.
“I just had a...I don’t know. It was like a vision, but it wasn’t. I don’t know who was there, or what was happening. Jamie I can’t shake the feeling that something bad is going to happen.”
“Are you always right?” I hated the scepticism in his voice but I could understand it, so I ignored it.
“Yes.”
“Well there’s nothing you can do until something happens, so try not to worry too much babe.”
I nodded. He was right. I just had to wait, I hated that.
We arrived back on our street, got out of the car and I walked over to him. I kissed him on the cheek and turned back to my house. I didn’t make it one step before he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back around to face him.
“A peck on the cheek? That’s all I get?” I blushed. It might have been a month but I still could get the hang of having a boyfriend. I didn’t need to, he did it for me.
He pulled me against him and placed his lips on mine. He always went slow, and soft, like he was scared I’d panic. I wouldn’t. I loved his kisses. Our tongues danced together to his rhythm and I was utterly caught up in the kiss. I couldn’t fight the urge to move, I ached for him. I pushed my hips into his and shivered. He slid his hands down my sides and squeezed my bum – I moaned.
Oh my gosh, I was burning up from the inside...then he stopped. I actually whimpered at the loss of his lips and frowned at him.
“We have to stop.”
“Why?” I knew I sounded like a petulant child, I just didn’t care!
“Because you’re going to make me do something you’re not ready to do. Damn baby, your mouth is like sin and you have no idea what you do to me. Right now, we’re standing in the middle of the street, pretty much dry humping and I can’t take it. I’m gonna go take a cold shower, and you’re gonna go home. Text me in an hour or so and we’ll do something tonight ok?”
“Hmph. Fine. See you later.” I turned and walked to my house.
Unlocking the door, I jumped and let out a squeak when I found mother standing right in front of me. She didn’t attempt to hide her fury, I just didn’t know what she was furious about.
“Where have you been?” she demanded, and I took a step back in fear.
“College, you know I go on Tuesdays. Why? What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong? What’s wrong? I don’t even know who you are anymore, I’m disgusted in you. No, worse than that, I’m ashamed of you. Gallivanting around like some cheap whore. Do you realise that everyone can see you fornicating out in the street? Good lord, what on earth has happened to you? You’re a vile, disgusting creature and the Lord does not appreciate that sort of behaviour. You’ll be condemned.” She screwed up her face in disgust. “No daughter of mine gets away with behaving that, I forbid you from seeing that boy ever again.”
No way. She was not taking him away from me. “No. I was not fornicating in the street. I was kissing, mother. I’m eighteen, it’s normal. I’ve never had a slice of normal and I’m keeping it.” I stepped around her and walked towards the stairs. Seconds later, she grabbed me by the top of my arm and pulled. Her fingers were digging into my skin and I yelped.
“Mother, please stop, you’re hurting me.” I was pleading with her but she just wouldn’t let go. She twisted my arm behind my back and pulled. My shoulder wrenched at a horrible angle and I let out a blood curdling scream. She released me immediately and I scrambled up and backed away from her.
I knew my shoulder was dislocated, if not broken, it was hanging limply to my side, but I couldn’t think of the pain, I just stared at my ‘mother’. I honestly didn’t know who she was anymore. She was losing control day by day and I didn’t know how much longer I could live with it. She raised a hand and stepped towards me, looking like she was going to stroke my face, but I flinched away.
Her face darkened. Did she really think I’d let her comfort me after what she had done? Apparently she did. She edged towards me and I took my chance, I ran for the door, praying with everything I had inside me, that she hadn’t locked it. I could have wept with joy when I found it open and I bolted.
I heard her screeching behind me, but I didn’t wait. At Jamie’s door, I suddenly couldn’t find the energy to knock, I leant forward, rested my head against the cool wooden door, and flicked the letter box a few times with the tips of fingers.
The door swung open and I fell forward. I was steadied by a strong pair of arms and I immediately started sobbing. Not quietly either, full on, gut wrenching, snot running down my face, sobs. Why did it feel like my whole world was falling apart around me?
“Um...”
I tensed. Shoot! In
the midst of my emotional breakdown, I hadn’t taken the time to check that I was actually with Jamie before turning into a blubbering wreck. I edged back and looked up into Mr Travis’s face, he looked confused, and a little bit scared. I heard someone clear their throat to the side of me and I blew out the breath I was holding when Jamie stepped into view.
I could tell he was trying to hold in his laughter, it was written all over his face. He must have sensed that it wasn’t the time for humour though. Wonder what gave him that idea?!
“Looking for me, pretty girl?” I opened my mouth to answer but didn’t get chance to speak before Mr Travis interrupted.
“Young lady, what in the world have you done to your arm?”
I looked down, not realising just how much pain I was in until I noticed the mottled purple and blue bruises already forming along my skin. I couldn’t move my arm without wanting to scream in agony so I just stared at it. What sort of parent causes that sort of damage to their child? I felt sick to the stomach, it wasn’t my life that I was living. I didn’t deserve to be treated that way.
“Dad, can grab my keys? Come on babe, we gotta get you to the hospital.”
“No! No I don’t want to go to the hospital. They’ll make me talk and I don’t want to. It just needs pushing back in, can’t you do it for me?” He grimaced. Looking uncomfortable, he stared at the floor and rubbed the back of his neck.
“Um, babe, I honestly don’t want to. I don’t think I can. I don’t want to hurt you and that really will. Come on, please let me take you to the hospital.”
“No.” I knew tears were falling from my eyes and my face was screwed up in agony, but I was not going to the hospital. Turns out, I didn’t need to.
“I’ll do it. But no matter how it’s done, it’s going to hurt, honey.” I frowned, why was Mr Travis calling me honey? I nodded at him and he told Jamie to put his arms around me and lean against the wall to hold me still. He did, albeit gentle, like I was made of glass. At that moment, I felt like I was.
“I’ll count to three, then push. If you need to scream, then scream.” I nodded again, still not trusting myself to speak through the pain.
