by Bryan James
“What about us?”
“Maybe one day, when I retire or maybe I can meet up with you sometime, somewhere on a vacation but you know everything I do is with the club.”
“I’ll be alone,” he said. He didn’t know if he loved the man. He didn’t believe in love. But he did need the man. He could rely on him.
Some part of him wanted to be just cold and calculating. Some part of him wanted to believe Marcus cared. He wanted to believe it wasn’t a facade like when he pretended to be tough and when he pretended to be straight. He had to find out. He had to make the man feel something for him. He winced and looked to his hands. He felt like he could cry but he knew that would be too weak to Marcus. He had to have strength enough to hold the tears back.
“Do you have enough?”
“I’ve got a little of what I was selling, some cash I was going to pay him, a few things but nothing of real value.”
Marcus reached into the breast pocket of his leather jacket and pulled out a roll of bills wrapped in rubber bands. The wad had been stuck together for some time and was old and not bills recently taken from a cash machine.
“There’s three grand there in small bills mostly. That’s the best I can come up with right now from my squirrel fund.”
“I need more than this,” Conrad said. “I can’t live like I did before when I was on the street. I can’t go back to that.”
“Do you have some place you can stay for a while? I can get you some more money unless you find some of your own.”
Conrad slouched in his seat as he tried to think over his friends in life, someone the police and the gang wouldn’t know about, couldn’t find through a simple background check. There was one name that came to mind, they had been close once for a brief time but never stayed in contact. It would be easy enough to track him down.
“Yeah, I might know someone,” Conrad said.
“Good, take the car and drive out now, as far as you can. No one knows what you’re driving so don’t get panicked. You find a place off the main road somewhere and crash for a few days to sleep this off. We’ll stay in contact through my second burner phone, no one knows about it.”
“This guy, he lives-”
Marcus silenced him with a finger.
“I don’t want to know where. You need to get safe, let this blow over, and I’ll contact you.”
“Thank you,” Conrad said.
“Come here,” Marcus replied.
Conrad leaned over to hug Marcus but was lifted to his lap where they embraced and kissed as the older man ran his hands under the younger man’s shirt to his shoulder blades where he grasped at the skin there.
Chapter 03 - Kevin
Kevin awoke to his alarm clock feeling as if he didn’t have time to sleep. He looked to see it was 5:30 A.M. and turned off the alarm. He sat up from his bed feeling renewed but slightly disoriented. He dropped to the floor where he laid out on his back, put his knees into the air, and began to do sit ups. He counted them under his breath until he reached twenty, then he rolled over on his stomach and did twenty pushups, jumped to his feet and ran in place for thirty seconds, did fifteen squat thrusts, then got back into position for more sit ups. He did seven more cycles before he stopped just after the last squat thrust. He rolled onto his back for a moment to catch his breath.
He looked under his bed where he saw it was empty and smiled. He was pleased that there was no clutter, no extra belongings hid somewhere. He had gotten himself organized six years ago before he started high school and he wasn’t going back. He sat up, pushed himself from the floor and stripped off his clothes, dropped them in the hamper and stepped in front of the full length mirror. He was happy with his body for once. His belly and the padding of baby fat on his face were gone.
Everything was in its right place, he told himself. He went to the middle of his room and sat, crossed his legs and assumed his best meditative form. He liked to meditate naked because it felt like his body was the most open. He thought about the day before and everything he had done. He thought about the things he needed to do. He thought about where he had to go, the people he would talk to and deal with and among those people was Thad.
Thad was only minutes away, would be waiting for him on the corner to go for a run. He smiled. No, he told himself, be in the moment, put all those assumptions away somewhere. He had thought it through but life wouldn’t happen exactly that way. Embrace the chaos, he told himself.
There was the sound of his phone telling him he had a text message from Thad. Was he running late? He waited until he felt himself calm down, then he opened his eyes and got back to his feet. He retrieved his phone, just a good morning message telling him Thad was five minutes early and missing him. He smiled and deleted the message before he put down his phone and went to get his workout clothes from the drawer: a thin pair of shorts, t-shirt, jock strap, and cup. He pulled the jock strap up, placed the cup inside. He looked at himself in the mirror and was delighted because he never thought four years ago he would take pride in his body and exercise. He finished dressing, put on his socks and shoes, made his way out of the quiet house.
He checked to make sure he had his house key tied on a string around his neck, that it hadn’t been pulled off while he slept in some accident or fit of rage before he closed the door and made sure it was locked. He did ten jumping jacks before he dashed down the stairs and across the lawn. He got to the sidewalk and turned. He picked up his speed in anticipation of seeing Thad.
Suburban, colonial style houses that had been built over a hundred years ago, the rest of the neighborhood was still quiet. Only a few mothers and fathers were awake, maybe the poor soul delivering newspapers, garbage collectors and people headed to work knew about this time and many of them probably didn’t appreciate it. He liked this time of the morning, something few people ever knew about because most of them were still asleep. Although there would be fewer of them with Fall approaching but sometimes it felt like only him and Thad as they ran the streets and through the park. That made it easier.
He spotted Thad on the corner in the grass stretching his legs and smiled. The man was possibly twenty years older than him but fit and good natured unlike any other person his age. He could be disarming, took an interest in people like when Thad had been impressed that Kevin was a conscientious eater and exercised regularly. Kevin felt comfortable admitting to him that he struggled with anorexia in high school until his parents got him a therapist who got him a personal trainer. He learned about food and exercise the right way, he said.
They had talked for a long time about food and work. Kevin had just begun his internship but he was eager to find out how the newspaper worked. Thad had told him he was in the photography business for over a decade feeling that it would scare him but Kevin was intrigued by his career. They talked any chance they got. They met frequently on breaks and lunch. Kevin asked him about his previous life and sometimes Thad told him about what it was like as if he wanted to have it again, as if they could have it together.
But even as comfortable as they were with each other coming out was still a process. Finally, after weeks of talking Thad admitted that he had broken up with his long-term boyfriend before moving to town. Kevin sat in silence for a long time. He knew that each had suspected the other was gay but not wanting to offend each other they assumed the other was straight, neither of them even in these days wanted to risk offending the other by making some assumption. Kevin had never told anyone his own secret but then he just said it.
“I haven’t had a boyfriend yet but I’m looking forward to it.”
They both looked at each other and laughed suddenly feeling ridiculous for not recognizing in the other, for being afraid of saying something for weeks. After that it became more comfortable until Thad asked him to go jogging. Kevin felt himself being excited about the idea. Was it a date? Was it the beginning of a relationship? He found himself flirting with the older man if even only accidentally or unconsciously until he reco
gnized what he had done, what he had said. Thad noticed but said that he was afraid of being in a relationship with someone so young, but that was months ago.
Kevin came to a stop a few feet from Thad after signaling to each other a hello. He began to run in place. He looked up and down the streets but there was no traffic, a few inside houselights were on. He signaled for Thad to get ready.
“How are you this morning?” Thad asked.
“Good,” Kevin said. “How are you?”
“Old,” Thad said.
“Better hurry then before you get any older. Last one to the park has to pay for lunch.”
Kevin began to run away towards the park and Thad gave him a lead before he dashed after him. Thad got close enough to make Kevin look back. Each let out a laugh before they doubled down and began to run as hard as they could. They were even when Thad reached over and slapped playfully at Kevin’s arm. Kevin tried to slap back or at least keep him away. It was a long run into the back of the neighborhood to the park, a preservation, the as of yet unprocessed trees.
Kevin felt as if for once he was leading when Thad stopped playing and gave it his all. He pulled ahead of the young man for just long enough that he touched the park sign first. Kevin slowed himself enough, ran into the sign and let out a laugh.
“You’re too much,” Thad said.
“I think we’re both going to be tired today for work,” Kevin said.
“At least you’re only there for a few hours.”
“So are you,” Kevin said.
“Oh right, well, it’s nice to not have a good job I guess. Hey that reminds me do you want to help me at my studio on Saturday? I’d pay you something under the table, say twenty bucks and maybe a piece of pizza.”
“Yeah sure,” Kevin said. That would be a good way to earn some money, maybe they could find some time to do something else, but then he reminded himself of where they were. He signaled for Thad to follow him.
“I don’t know how I let you talk me into this,” Thad said.
They walked into the park, along the familiar trail. Down one path, then off on another, and yet another going in a direction few walkers ever went. Kevin signaled with his head for Thad to follow him along a thin path through the trees. They had fooled around in different spots all over the park, mostly kissing and groping.
He moved on impulse, searching out some perfect spot. He walked until he felt far enough away so they wouldn’t be seen. They stopped to catch their breath, to listen and make sure no one else was around and they wouldn’t be disturbed.
Kevin looked to the older man, stared him in the eye before he pulled off his shirt and threw it to him. Thad shook his head as if he was shaking away guilt before he pulled off his own shirt. Kevin let his shorts drop, stuck his thumbs in the waist band of his jock, ran them between the fabric and his own skin, moved his thumbs down to the straps where he toyed with them, toyed with Thad’s desire.
“You’re naughty,” Thad said.
“Maybe we both are,” Kevin said.
They listened for a moment to make sure no one had heard them. They stepped to each other with their hands slightly out anticipating the touch. They reached for skin at the same time. They were simultaneously delighted by the feel of their touch and being touched.
They kissed.
Chapter 04 - Blood Brother
The sound of knocking, then the sound of the doorbell awoke Simon from a nap on the sofa where he was flat on his back with one hand against his chest and the other hanging off the side. He let out a moan and sat up. There were no expected guests, no one would have been invited, and proselytizers had stopped coming years ago.
There was more knocking, the doorbell, he got to his feet and walked from the living room into the foyer, passed the game room and the parlor to the front door that he opened cautiously, leaving the chain still attached. He was blinded by the sunlight and held up his hand to shield his eyes.
There was a glare as a form stepped into the light and he could make out it was a young man he didn’t recognize. Was this someone from town? Maybe a newspaper boy? Hadn’t he heard all of the terrible stories about the place, about him? He winced as he tried to get a better look but he realized he’d need to take off the chain.
“Who is it?” Simon asked.
“Simon? It’s me Conrad,” the stranger said.
“Conrad?” he asked.
He thought about the people in town, relatives, and then he remembered it. Conrad, of course, but how the hell did he find me? He unfastened the chain as Conrad stepped closer. For a moment they were caught in an awkward standoff as each was unsure what the other would do but finally Simon opened the door and invited him inside. Conrad stepped into the house and kept his eyes on Simon. They looked at each other, assessing subtle differences, unsure how to greet the other.
It had been years since they had been together. It was a different place and time for both of them when they were truly equals dressed in grey sweat pants and sweat shirts. Each of them had gotten back to their own lives and how they changed showed that. Conrad was dressed in a tank top, shorts, sandals, and sunglasses. He had more muscles, notably his biceps, and he had tattoos, professional ones. Simon was dressed formally in a button down shirt, vest, tie, slacks, and dress shoes. He had a mustache.
Would a handshake suffice? Maybe a hug? Simon thought about the options and he didn’t like either of them. He didn’t like this familiar person from his past being there, reminding him, and yet he had always been curious.
“Hello blood brother,” Conrad said.
Simon smiled at the greeting and held out his hand. Conrad took it and shook his hand before pulling him against his chest and wrapping his left arm around Simon’s side to hug him. Simon was caught off guard by the action and had it been anyone else he would have resisted more, fought back, or complained but he didn’t. He let it go, even after the hug was too long and became awkward and uncomfortable. Finally, Conrad let him go and they stepped back from each other.
“What’s this blood brother shit?” Simon asked.
“We are you know. Or don’t you remember?”
“I remember, too well. But how did you find me?”
Conrad tapped his head.
“You told me the town where you lived and it was pretty easy after that, after all I knew your name and lots of other things about you.”
Simon winced at the comment. As nice as it was to see Conrad it was also reminder of his past, a connection to a time when he had been weaker, vulnerable. What was it that made people friends? What was it that bonded them? And why did they think the relationship, whatever it was, could be mended so easily or had never been destroyed? He pushed the thoughts aside and focused his mind on Conrad who sat before him with a familiar half smirk on his face.
“So this is your mom’s place?”
“Yeah, she’s upstairs in her bedroom,” Simon said. “Don’t worry she’ll probably stay up there it’s the afternoon and she’s probably watching her religious programs.”
“A little Father, Son, and Holy Ghost action?”
Simon winced at the comment. Conrad had always been easy to mock religion and church, and though Simon didn’t believe in any gods he still felt guilty about mocking them. It was Sunday school, he thought.
“There really aren’t too many Simon Winters in town. I only had to ask at the gas station. They knew the place.”
“That easy,” Simon said.
Conrad smiled and nodded. Simon was near as he had remembered him with thick hair and dark eyes that always looked like they were inspecting everything and everyone. There was a darkness there, he had come to know it, but there was also a sincerity and kindness of someone who wanted to live in a perfect world. He was handsome in his own way but not confident.
“So what brings you here? You just wanted to see me?”
“Well, I uh, kind of was passing through because I’ve been out of state. I wanted to go see my mom. She still lives in my homet
own but I don’t really have the extra money for a hotel room.”
They stared each other in the eye but Conrad wasn’t going to give in, break or confess. He felt like his lie was working. This made sense.
“She’s pretty sick. She has cancer.”
Simon broke from the eye contact and looked to the coffee table, to his hands that he rubbed nervously on his pants. He had been caught trying to tell if someone was lying and he really couldn’t tell if he was. He had his reasons to not trust Conrad but he also had his reasons to give him the benefit of the doubt.
“With me having been in juvenile hall, well it’s not good for me to be at the house too long or even stay around town there. The cops there hate me. I’d get a ticket just for crossing the street if they saw me. And I’ve been working out of state so I don’t have a place around here. I remembered you and I know it’s not like we’re high school friends but we were close. You probably don’t want someone bringing up the past but I thought, I don’t know, you could help me out.”
Simon felt as if a ball of string in his chest had come undone. He felt so bad for the person beside him, the person he had known, whose mother was dying of cancer. He took a deep breath and let his shoulders relax. It would be awkward but it could work. He looked to Conrad, then past him and up to the ceiling where he imagined his mother in her bedroom. This would need some careful explanation, he thought.
Chapter 05 - Boredom
It was late and no one was in the coffee shop. Breakfast had the most people, lunch was stretched out, and after people got off work was the most sporadic, but any time she could Heather sat transfixed with a book. She was supposed to be learning the business, her business, but it was boring. Her father owned it and she had been running it since she graduated from high school, a deal they had worked out given her lack of ambition to go to college. Going some place local felt too much like going back to high school, if they weren’t the exact same kids it was still too close, and she didn’t feel like going away, not with her father the way he was, not with the business being his only support.
