by Bryan James
“Thank you, that’s so nice.” She took the flower and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “I’m glad you dressed up. Although you normally kind of wear dress clothes, but still, the tie is nice. I know I said nothing formal but I couldn’t get the thought of this dress out of my mind for the last few days after I invited you over. You look good in black.”
“So do you,” he said. “I like the dress.”
“Thank you,” she said.
“I decided to make steak with a salad and baked potato. It was the only thing I could think of for tonight. I’m not very imaginative when it comes to dates. Besides steak is my favorite thing. My father usually makes really great steaks.”
She led him into the dining room and directed him to a seat. He thought for a moment to walk to her chair and pull it out but was worried it was too old fashioned. He wasn’t going to do it until he thought of his mother who said men should do the right thing despite what other people say. He walked around the table and pulled back her chair but she only smiled at him.
“Actually I have stuff in the kitchen,” she said.
“Oh,” he replied.
“Why don’t you just come in with me?”
She waved him into the kitchen where he looked around with his hands on his hips. The house had been much smaller than his own, a little run down even, but the kitchen was excellent, not quite like the one he saw at the coffee shop but close. Everything looked professional, clean, and in its proper place. She took out the steak from the refrigerator and said she still had to grill it.
“No problem,” he said, “So, uh, how is your father?”
“He’s doing fine. He’s taking a plea deal. If the judge goes along he’ll serve 3 months in prison where he’ll go through a rehab program and end up on probation for up to three years. He’d been clean for so long but since they found prescription drugs on him it didn’t matter. I hate this town. People think it’s bad in the city but it’s not much better here, not with all the pharmaceuticals around.”
She placed the meat on the electric grill and leaned against the counter. She felt like she had talked herself out, went down a rabbit hole and was stuck. She didn’t want to think about her father anymore. She wanted to think about better things like her date with Simon. She needed to change the subject.
“So, let’s talk about something else,” she said.
“Like what?” he asked.
“What do you like? Tell me about yourself,” she said.
He stuck his hands in his pockets. He hated talking about himself. He felt his life was terrible, miserable, and yet it felt like there was little else to talk about. He hadn’t watched television regularly, didn’t follow politics or much of pop culture. He opened his mouth to speak but fell silent.
“Do you like your steak medium, rare, or well done?”
“Medium or rare I guess,” he answered.
She took over the flow from there, asked him question after question but mostly he said he didn’t know about it until they reached books. He said he went to the library regularly. She said she bought just about anything she wanted. There was a pleasant silence when she finished cooking and they carried their plates into the dining room. He set his down and quickly signaled he would help her with her chair which she let him do. They sat down across from each other, tried to talk about anything except the tragedies in their lives.
Maybe it was because her father was gone, that definitely made it easier, maybe it was because she hadn’t had sex in years since her last, high school boyfriend, or maybe they ran out of things to talk about and she wanted desperately to make some kind of connection with him, a bond stronger than friendship, that she invited him up to her room to have sex. She had invited him up on the pretext of seeing her book collection but she didn’t have a plan. She had a desire.
He looked briefly at the collection but there was something else that caught his eye, a collection of stones and gems on her desk and throughout her room. Each of them was a different color and unfamiliar to him.
“What are these?” he asked.
“They’re supposed to be for relocating different energies and are supposed to have different abilities. I got them when I was young and I was interested in witchcraft. I don’t think they ever worked. I’m not sure if I really believe in them but I just keep them around.”
“Because they’re pretty,” he said.
“Because they’re pretty,” she replied.
She moved behind him, touched his elbow and turned him to face her. They were inches apart. She pulled him close, took hold of his head, and kissed him. It was unexpected and he found himself pressing his lips together, trying to hold them there for whatever she was going to do to them. She pulled back and smiled at him.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“I’ve never, I mean, I didn’t think...”
“You’ve never kissed anyone before? What about sex?”
He shook his head.
“Okay, don’t worry. We’ll take it slow. Just let yourself relax.”
She moved his hands to her body but they just stayed in place as she attempted to kiss him again. She felt less tension in his lips but they didn’t open so she moved to his clothes. She unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned his shirt and ran her hands under his it to grip at his sides. His hands didn’t move. She moved him closer to the bed, left him there, walked to the side where she took off her dress one shoulder at a time, then let it drop to the floor.
He stared at her form there. She was thicker than Lucy had been, thicker than the models and porn stars he had seen. She was real, he told himself. He loved the sight of her breasts still in her bra and the way her panties accentuated her thighs. He felt himself wanting to act so impulsively and yet trying to remain in control of each action.
“Get undressed,” she said.
He pulled the shirt from his shoulders, dropped it on the floor, kicked off his shoes, took off his pants, and stopped at his underwear. He felt ridiculous standing there in his white briefs and socks. He looked back to her as she sat on the bed and repositioned her pillows before she patted the area where she wanted him to sit. He did with his legs crossed. She smiled to him and he smiled back as she lay on her side.
“I didn’t bring any protection,” he said.
“I have some in the drawer,” she said. “I kind of planned for this, though I didn’t think it would be tonight. I just want to be closer to you.”
“Me too,” he said.
She got up to her knees. He looked almost pathetic as he sat there. She placed a hand on each shoulder, leaned in to kiss him again but his lips were more tense than before and she decided to move on without trying to get him to do it correctly. She pushed him to her bed, let everything hang down over him. He didn’t even reach up to touch her. He was panicked.
“Do you trust me?” she asked.
“Yes,” he said.
It wasn’t long after that, without much sexual activity, that he orgasmed in his underwear as she lay atop him, kissing and touching each other. He felt embarrassed about the accident, wanted to keep her there with him, urge her to try again. Next time it would be perfect, he told himself. But she got off him shortly after and sat across from him on the bed. He did an easy sit up and crossed his legs, the ejaculate cooling quickly between the cloth and skin made him feel wary about how he sat.
“Don’t worry about it,” she said.
“I just--”
“--Wanted it to be perfect,” she said. “Don’t worry about it. There are lots of different things we can do sexually. This is just the first time.”
“The first time?”
She nodded.
The first time, he thought, there could be more. Never in his life had he thought about it being more than once, lasting more than necessary. They could be together for hours, the night. He relaxed and breathed comfortably for once. She had seen him at his worst, most vulnerable state and she didn’t run away, didn’t humiliate him. He looked to her a
s she adjusted her long hair and her bra straps until she determined they were too uncomfortable and took it off. Her breasts sagged and bulged in a new way than he had ever seen. He looked to her shoulders where her skin was marred by the strap, the curve of it, and then her arms, her biceps and he saw something that troubled him.
“What are the scars?” he asked.
“Battle wounds,” she said.
“Really? Against what?”
“Myself,” she said.
He had heard of cutting before, even thought about it at times, but the idea was too much. Even in juvenile detention he had the fewest scars compared to the other boys who had cigarette burns, knife wounds, scars from glass, and fighting. She smiled at him and he decided to move closer. He reached out to her arm, touched it with the back of his hand at first, then as each felt more comfortable he touched at the area with the tips of his fingers.
“I don’t have many scars,” he said. “Well, physical ones anyway.”
Chapter 16 - Rough Trade
The bedroom was quiet as Kevin lay with his head on Thad’s shoulder. There was a smell of human sweat and latex in the air. They both looked up to the ceiling. It had become easier each time but Kevin could still count on one hand the times they had full penetrative sex. Blow jobs, hand jobs, and mutual masturbation were all easier.
“Are you okay?” Thad asked.
“I’m fine,” Kevin said. “I was just thinking.”
“What about?”
Kevin wanted to confess, not confess, he told himself, just explain, but he decided to lie and find something else to talk about. He looked to the baseball bat by the bathroom door.
“Why do you have a baseball bat? You’re not on a baseball team and I’ve never heard you talk about sports,” he said.
“Protection,” Thad said. “I don’t like guns and this way I figure if someone gets it away from me I might still survive.”
“What if they have a gun?”
“Well, I’m a terrible shot so it’s about the same odds.”
Kevin smiled. Somehow that eased the idea he wanted to talk about because Thad was a kind person with a good sense of humor. He thought about his week. He thought about Conrad.
“I met another gay guy. He’s new to town.”
“Sounds promising, but how do you know he’s gay?”
“We talked about it actually. He was pretty up front about the whole thing. It was kind of pathetic in a way. He seemed so desperate.”
“Is he cute?” Thad asked.
“He’s cute I guess, but he’s kind of... I don’t know. He doesn’t seem like the kind of guy you can trust. He’s kind of duplicitous. He told me he was in juvenile detention. So of course that means he’s some kind of criminal.”
“Is a criminal or was a criminal?”
“Good point,” Kevin said.
“Sounds like rough trade, the kind of guy you meet in a bathroom for a good time but don’t take home to meet your folks.”
“That’s one way of putting it,” Kevin said.
“I’m just kidding,” Thad said. “But you didn’t get along with him?”
“Did we do anything? No way, like I said he’s kind of devious. I only met him because Heather is interested in his friend.”
“Who’s his friend?”
“Do you know the Winters place? Did you ever hear about Simon Winters?”
“Probably before my time,” Thad said.
“His family owns this mansion out on Orchard Lane. I got to see the place. It’s really impressive. He said it was used in running moonshine. He showed Heather this secret passageway to the basement where they used to keep the liquor.”
“Sounds pretty cool,” Thad said.
“I know right. Anyway, they came into the coffee shop one night when I was there with Heather. I kind of thought the guy was gay right away. He said we were cruising each other but I don’t know. Anyway, all of a sudden she’s interested in Simon.”
“Who’s Simon?”
“Oh right, about eight years ago he got into a fight with this jock guy in town, Kleinman, and he stabs the guy. There were lots of rumors about the whole thing but he went to jail for like six years.”
“Do you mean juvenile detention?”
“Yeah, whatever, it was all kind of shady because you have this total geek who stabs this jock in self-defense but there was some kind of previous incident with his sister or something. I don’t really remember. But he went away and when he got back to town he was this social pariah, his mother too. I saw her a few times when he was gone. She was always dressed in black. But then I stopped seeing her around and when Simon got back no one saw her at all. He seems to take care of everything I guess. Anyway, this guy with him, Conrad, they met in juvenile detention center. He said he’s just passing through.”
“But you’re not interested in him?”
“No way,” Kevin answered.
“Good,” Thad said.
He pushed himself up onto his elbow and kissed Kevin on the head before asking him to move. Kevin moved to a pillow and watched as Thad got up from the bed, walked away to the bathroom, left the door open, and stepped in front of the toilet to urinate. Partially obscured by the door Kevin couldn’t see the act which made him appreciate the little things in life. Even if he tried to look away Thad was still there in his vision. It bothered him that Thad could be casual about such things.
When Thad finished he stepped to the doorway and grabbed hold of the frame to stretch. Kevin looked to him, the way his muscles moved, his ribs, and flaccid dick. It was enough to get him excited again.
“Shower?” Thad asked.
“Sure,” Kevin said before throwing aside the sheet and jumping from the bed.
When he got to the bathroom Thad didn’t move right away and they kissed passionately for a moment before they stepped inside, into the shower, and began to wash each other. It was a long time before Thad spoke. He was soaping Kevin’s hair at the time.
“If something happens between you and that Conrad kid it’s not a big deal,” he said. “I’d understand.”
“What?” Kevin asked getting soap into his mouth making him spit.
“I’d understand. It’s not easy to be monogamous when you’re young. There are so many things to try and do. I really appreciate our relationship. I’m not saying he’d be a great boyfriend, just that things happen. You might want to try someone else besides me.”
Kevin turned his hair into the water and made sure the soap was all washed out before he opened his eyes and looked to Thad who seemed detached about what he was saying. But Kevin felt angry about the thought of it. They hadn’t ever talked about being monogamous but he had kind of assumed.
“Look, from what you said this Conrad guy isn’t the relationship type and he’s just passing through town. I don’t want you to have any regrets.”
“Does that mean it’s the same for you?” Kevin asked.
“I didn’t mean that. I like our relationship. I’m not sure about the future but what we have it nice.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I mean you’re still in college and I’ve settled down. I bought a house. I have a studio, regular work. I might have to hustle for more in the next few years but still it’s not like it was. I know what I want out of life.”
Kevin looked at the man who had once felt so familiar, so certain, and felt as if something had been stabbed into his body. It was in his brain and in his chest. Were they really doomed? Was there no future? Maybe, somehow he thought Thad would move with him, or else maybe he’d settle down too in his hometown as miserable as it was but the way Thad talked it felt so impersonal, so certain.
“Turn around so I can wash your back,” Thad said before helping Kevin turn under the water. “Look I’m okay with what we have, what we had, but nothing lasts forever. I don’t know what your plans are but it never sounds like you plan on staying here. I don’t think you should. I think you could make it out th
ere.”
He spread the soap along Kevin’s shoulders and down his back, worked his way up to cover any missed spot before rinsing it off. Thad pulled him close and kissed at his wet, clean neck, suckled a little and bit with his teeth.
“Ah, don’t do that, you vampire,” Kevin said.
“I’m just marking you,” Thad said.
“I guess I never really thought about it but I’m not sure about Conrad,” Kevin said. “I don’t think he can be trusted.”
Chapter 17 - Clean Living
Conrad sat on the bed in his room alone with his cell phone to his ear as he stared at the built in closet. He didn’t believe in ghosts. He didn’t believe in an afterlife. He had seen only a few movies and television shows about haunted houses so he felt there was little to inspire fear in him and yet he felt it.
“I need to get out of here. It’s boring and I miss you. There’s nothing to do,” he lowered his voice, “no one to have a good time. I’ve made a few friends in town but they’re locals, small minded.”
“Do they have a local park? Start hanging around the mens room, look for an old john. It doesn’t matter if he has a ring.”
“It’s not funny,” Conrad said.
“Just don’t mess it up. I’m trying to get things straightened out so you can get out of there but there’s a lot of heat from what happened.”
“I know. It’s my fault-”
“Don’t say it. Just be cool, play the game, you’ve got plenty of money and things to trade, and you’re living rent free.”
“Yeah, but this guy is kind of creepy. This place, his house, it’s like the 1950’s here. They don’t have the internet. I’d have to go out and buy a video game system. The television is old and only picks up broadcast stations. The place is so old at night the wood shifts and moans.”
“But no one knows who you are there. Do you think you can round up some money? Maybe you can move out, go somewhere else.”
