Should I go to Samuel and talk to him? she wondered. Should I tell him what I overheard him say to Allen yesterday? Tears dripped onto her cheeks as she leaned against the window, Guess I should wait until after Samuel’s folks leave before I talk to him. When I go to watch the kinner the day after they leave, that’s when I’ll approach him about this.
Esther wiped her eyes and turned away from the window, knowing she needed to get dressed and go up to the main house so she could help Bonnie with breakfast. But her heart just wasn’t in it today. She wanted to crawl back in bed and shut out the world.
“Good morning, Mrs. Fisher,” Titus said, standing beside Suzanne as she stood in front of the dresser, pinning up her hair.
She leaned into him, liking the sound of that. “Good morning, husband.”
He nuzzled her neck with his nose. “Are you as tired as I am this morning?”
“Jah. Yesterday was a long day, and according to tradition, since we’ve spent our first night in my parents’ home, we now have to help with the cleanup from the wedding, so we’ll be even more tired by tonight, I expect.” She set her head covering in place. “So I guess we ought to go downstairs and see if my mamm has breakfast started, and then we’ll get busy cleaning the barn.”
“We’ll need to say good-bye to those in my family who’ll be leaving today, too, and I think we ought to do that first,” Titus said. “I know they want to get an early start.”
She smiled. “It was nice having most of your family here for the wedding.”
“It sure was, but I wish my twin brother’s wife would have come with him.” Titus’s brows puckered. “I’m worried about Timothy. From some of the things he’s told me, I think he’s unhappy in his marriage.”
“That’s a shame. We’ll have to remember to pray for Hannah and Timothy.”
“You’re right. Unless things change between them soon, they’re going to need a lot of prayer.”
“Now that you’re here, I’ll get breakfast started,” Mama Fannie said when Samuel entered the kitchen after doing his chores.
“That’s okay. I’m not hungry this morning.”
“What happened? Did you eat too much at the wedding meal yesterday?” Dad asked as he shuffled into the room.
Samuel merely shrugged in reply.
“Is there something troubling you?” Mama Fannie questioned. “You’ve been acting kind of strange ever since we came home from the wedding last night.”
“It’s nothing,” Samuel mumbled. He grabbed a mug from the cupboard, moved over to the stove, and poured himself a cup of coffee.
“I wish we didn’t have to go home tomorrow,” Mama Fannie said. “I’d like to spend more time with you and the kinner.” She glanced over at Dad. “Couldn’t we stay until next week? It would be nice if we could be here for Leon’s birthday.”
Dad shook his head. “We need to get back so Timothy and I can finish harvesting the fields. Besides, next week is also Timothy’s birthday, and he’ll want to be home with his wife and daughter.”
“It’s Titus’s birthday, too, you know,” she reminded.
“That’s right, and I’m sure he’ll be perfectly happy celebrating it with his new bride.”
“Maybe we could stay here and celebrate Leon’s birthday, and Timothy can go home without us.”
“Nope,” Dad said. “We need to get back for the harvest.”
Deep wrinkles formed across Mama Fannie’s forehead. “Sometimes I wish you’d give up farming. It ties you down too much.”
“Farming is what I do.” Dad took a seat at the table. “Wouldn’t know what to do if I wasn’t farming.”
Mama Fannie sighed. “There are times when I wish you were still running the general store and I was managing the quilt shop. We saw more of each other then than we do now, that’s for sure.”
“Things change, Fannie,” Dad said. “Naomi and Caleb are doing a fine job with the store, and Abby enjoys running the quilt shop.”
Mama Fannie handed him a cup of coffee. “You’re right, and I wouldn’t take that away from them. I just wish—”
“Daadi, do something, quick! Lucky’s chasin’ Esther’s katz!” Penny hollered as she raced into the room.
Samuel’s heartbeat picked up speed. “Is Esther here?” Surely she wouldn’t have come to watch the kids today. She knew Samuel’s folks wouldn’t be leaving until tomorrow.
Penny shook her head. “Esther’s not here, Daadi. The katz I’m talkin’ about is the one she gave us awhile back. Said it would help keep the mice down. Remember?”
“Oh, that’s right,” Samuel said with a nod. His brain felt so fuzzy this morning—probably because he hadn’t slept well last night. He’d tossed and turned most of the night, his thoughts going from Elsie to Esther.
Penny stood on tiptoes and tugged on Samuel’s shirtsleeve. “Are you gonna make Lucky stop chasin’ the katz?”
He grunted. “There’s no need for that. If the cat doesn’t like being chased, he’ll either climb the nearest tree or find a safe place to hide in the barn.” Samuel pointed at Penny. “And if the cat does go up a tree, don’t you get any ideas about trying to rescue him.”
“I won’t, Daadi. I know better than that now.”
“Good.”
Mama Fannie pulled Penny into her arms. “I’m going to miss you, sweet girl.” She looked over at Dad. “Are you sure we can’t stay a few days longer?”
Dad shook his head. “Nope. But we’ll come back and visit again sometime next year.”
Mama Fannie’s shoulders slumped as she turned toward the stove. Seeing how much she missed his children made Samuel wonder if he’d made a mistake moving away. Maybe it would be better if they moved back to Pennsylvania. At least then he wouldn’t have to see Esther and be reminded of what he could never have. He’d have to think on that awhile; he didn’t want to make another mistake. The kids had settled in here quite well, and they might not want to leave Kentucky. For that matter, he didn’t want to leave either. He just wasn’t sure how he could continue living here without seeing Esther all the time.
No matter what he decided about moving or staying, tomorrow when Esther came to watch the kids, he’d have to tell her that he wouldn’t be courting her anymore and that he planned to look for someone else to take care of the kids. He just wished there was an easy way to say it. Better yet, he wished more than ever that he didn’t have to say anything at all. Since his family had seemed so pleased about him courting Esther, he decided it would be best not to tell them about his decision until after they’d gone home. He didn’t want to spoil the last of their visit with a bunch of questions, or worse yet, deal with Mama Fannie offering her opinion on things.
CHAPTER 50
When Esther arrived at Samuel’s the following day to watch the children, she was surprised to see that his folks were still there. She’d figured they would have wanted to get an early start on their return trip to Pennsylvania and would have already left.
Do Titus’s parents know he won’t be courting me anymore? Esther halted her footsteps as a sickening thought popped into her head. What if Samuel’s parents are the reason he’s decided to stop courting me? Maybe one or both of them told Samuel they didn’t approve of him seeing me.
She swallowed hard and drew in a deep breath, her feet feeling like lead with each step she took. If I just knew why he’d made this decision, maybe I could do something about it.
Esther stepped onto the porch and knocked on the door. It felt strange knocking on her own door, but with Samuel’s folks still visiting, she didn’t feel right about walking right in.
Marla opened the door and gave her a hug. “Sure am glad to see ya, Esther. Wish I didn’t have to go to school today so we could do somethin’ fun.”
Esther gave the girl’s head a pat. “We’ll do something fun when you get home this afternoon.”
When Esther stepped into the living room, she saw Fannie sitting on the sofa, holding Jared in her lap. Leon and Penny sat
on either side of her.
“It’s nice to see you again, Esther,” Fannie said, offering Esther a friendly smile. “The kinner and I were just talking about how much they like having you care for them.”
Relief flooded Esther’s soul. If Fannie was being so friendly and had said such a nice thing, surely she couldn’t have influenced Samuel to stop courting me. Maybe Fannie doesn’t even know about the decision he’s made.
Esther smiled at Fannie and said, “I enjoy being with the children, too.”
Fannie stroked the top of Jared’s head and bent her head to kiss his pudgy cheek. “It’s been nice being with them these past few days, but I wish we could stay longer. I really miss Samuel and the kinner.”
Esther nodded with understanding. She missed her folks, too, but since Samuel and his children had come into her life, she’d been less lonely and had found a new purpose.
“I also wish we’d had more time to get to know you better,” Fannie said. “Maybe when Samuel and the kinner come to Pennsylvania to visit us, you can join them.”
Esther had to force a smile this time. If she and Samuel wouldn’t be courting anymore, he sure wouldn’t invite her to go with them to Pennsylvania.
“Abraham and I are very happy with Titus’s choice for a wife,” Fannie added.
“Jah. I think Suzanne and Titus will be very happy together.” Esther removed her shawl and outer bonnet and hung them on a wall peg near the door. She was about to take a seat in the chair across from Fannie, when Samuel stepped into the room. He halted, and his face turned red when he looked at Esther.
“Oh, I … uh … didn’t realize you were here,” he said, dropping his gaze to the floor.
“I just came in a few minutes ago.” It made Esther unhappy seeing his reaction, as if they’d just met.
He gave a nod and looked at his mother. “Dad and the others are bringing all the suitcases downstairs.”
Fannie set Jared on the floor and stood. “As much as I hate to say it, I guess it’s time for me to say good-bye.”
When Bonnie stepped into the kitchen after feeding the chickens, she heard the phone ringing. She hurried across the room and picked up the receiver. “Bonnie’s Bed-and-Breakfast.”
“Hi, Bonnie. It’s Allen. Thought I’d better check up on you this morning.”
She shifted the phone to her other ear. “Why would you need to check up on me?”
“You looked awful tired when I saw you at the wedding, and after you said how busy you were, I wondered if there was anything I could do to help out.”
“In what way?” she asked.
“I have a few hours free this afternoon, so I thought if you had some chores you needed to have done, I could swing over there right after lunch and do ‘em for you.” Before Bonnie could reply, he added, “On second thought, maybe I could pick up some deli sandwiches and we could eat lunch together before I do the chores.”
Bonnie leaned against the kitchen counter and closed her eyes. As appealing as the thought of having lunch with Allen was, she wouldn’t feel comfortable having him here today—especially when she’d decided not to spend any time with him alone.
“You still there, Bonnie?”
Her eyes snapped open. “Yes, I’m here. I … uh … appreciate your offer to bring lunch, but I really don’t have time for that today.”
“Oh, okay. How about if I just drop by later then and do whatever chores you need to have done?”
“That won’t work either.”
“Why not?”
“The types of chores I need to have done are things only I can do.” Bonnie paused and waited for his response, and when he said nothing, she added, “I do appreciate your offer though.”
“Sure. Any time you have something you need to have done, just let me know.”
“Okay, thanks.”
“Take care, Bonnie, and I hope you have a good day.”
“You, too. Bye, Allen.”
When Bonnie hung up the phone she went to the sink, turned on the cold water, and splashed some onto her face. She didn’t know if she felt so hot and sweaty from her trek outside or from trying to get out of seeing Allen today. She’d allowed herself to care for him and knew the only remedy was to put a safe distance between them.
Samuel stood on the porch with his children, watching as the vans transporting his family disappeared from sight. He and the kids had come outside to say their good-byes, leaving Esther in the basement to wash a load of clothes she’d volunteered to do. Now Samuel had to go back in the house and tell Esther what he’d decided about them. But he wouldn’t do it until after Marla and Leon left for school. He didn’t want them to hear what he had to say. The kids had come to care for Esther, and he knew they’d be disappointed to learn that she wouldn’t be watching them while he was at work anymore. On second thought, maybe he’d wait to tell them until after he found a replacement for Esther. No point in upsetting them until he had to, at least.
“Well,” Samuel said, squeezing Leon’s shoulder, “you and your sister had better get your lunch pails and head for school. You don’t want to be late.”
“Are you gonna give us a ride today?” Marla asked.
Samuel shook his head. “It’s a nice day with no rain in sight, and it’ll do you both good to walk.”
At first, Marla looked like she might argue the point, but then she obediently went into the house.
A short time later, Marla and Leon headed down the road with their schoolbooks and lunch pails. Since Esther was still in the basement, Samuel gave Penny and Jared a couple of picture books to look at and instructed them to stay in the living room. Then, with a feeling of dread, he headed to the basement.
He found Esther bent over the washing machine, feeding one of his shirts into the wringer. Not wishing to startle her, he waited until the shirt had come through the other end and she’d placed it in the basin of cold water to rinse.
“Ah-hem.” He cleared his throat.
She whirled around. “Ach, Samuel! I didn’t hear you come down the stairs.”
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to frighten you.”
She straightened and reached around to rub her lower back. “Did you need me to come upstairs and keep an eye on the little ones while you take Marla and Leon to school?”
“No. They’re walking today, and Penny and Jared are in the living room, looking at some picture books my folks gave them.”
“Oh, I see.” Esther looked up at him and blinked a couple of times. “Samuel, I was wondering—”
“Esther, I need to speak with you about something,” he said.
She gave a nod. “You go ahead with what you were going to say.”
He cleared his throat again and popped the knuckles on his left hand. This was even more difficult that he’d thought it would be. “I’ve decided it’s best if you and I don’t see each other socially anymore.”
“Why, Samuel? Have I done something wrong?”
Samuel winced. He could see the hurt on Esther’s face, and it was almost his undoing.
“You haven’t done anything wrong. I just think it’s best for me and the kinner if I don’t get romantically involved with anyone.” He shifted his weight and leaned against the wooden beam behind him, needing it for support. “You see, I’m still in love with my wife, and so—”
“I understand that there will always be a place in your heart for her, but I was hoping there might be a place in your heart for me, too.”
There is, but I can’t let it happen. I can’t break the promise I made to Elsie.
“Samuel? Can we talk about this?”
He shook his head. “I’ve made my decision, and I think it’s for the best.”
Tears welled in Esther’s eyes, and it was all Samuel could do to keep from pulling her into his arms. How could I have been foolish enough to let myself fall in love with her? he berated himself. If I keep seeing Esther, I’ll be breaking my promise to Elsie, and I can’t live with that.
“There’
s something else,” Samuel said.
“What’s that?” Esther’s words came out in a whisper.
“I think it’s best if I find someone else to watch the kinner.”
Her eyes widened. “Why?”
“The more you’re around them, the more attached they’re becoming. Pretty soon, they’ll start to think of you as their mamm.”
“I’ll make sure they don’t,” Esther was quick to say. “I’ll make sure they never forget their mother.”
“I’ve made my decision,” Samuel said, drawing on all the strength he could muster. “You have plenty to do helping Bonnie at the B&B, so in the long run it’ll be better if you don’t have my kinner to watch.”
“Oh, but Samuel, I—”
“I’ll let you know as soon as I’ve found someone to take your place.” Samuel turned and hurried up the stairs. If he stayed a minute longer, he might weaken and change his mind.
CHAPTER 51
Esther spent the next two days in a daze. It had been hard to go to Samuel’s this week and watch the children, knowing it would all be over once Samuel found a replacement for her. What made it even worse was learning that next Saturday was Leon’s birthday, and she was sure she wouldn’t be included in the celebration.
“You look so tired this morning,” Bonnie said, as she and Esther sat at the table in her kitchen for breakfast early Saturday morning.
“I am tired,” Esther admitted. “I haven’t been sleeping well lately.”
“Since tomorrow will be an off-Sunday from your church, maybe you can sleep in.”
“Maybe so.” Esther was glad there would be no church tomorrow. She couldn’t stand the thought of going to church and seeing Samuel sitting across the room with his boys beside him. It was bad enough to think about not watching the children anymore, but knowing Samuel didn’t love her was breaking her heart.
The Healing Page 27
