by Len Webster
Landon: Massachusetts, how was class today?
AJ: Hello, Connecticut. Stressful. So much work. Cannot wait until fall break.
Landon: You poor little freshman. Got any more classes for today?
AJ: I do. I’m just going back to my dorm to lie down for a bit before my next class.
Landon: So that means no time to see each other?
AJ: Not today. I mean, if we accidentally run into each other at Chino’s, there’s no chance I can’t not see you. But that would be rude.
Landon: And what time would I accidentally be at Chino’s?
AJ: Around three.
Landon: I have my foundation engineering class before I leave for the Kansas game with the team.
She frowned in disappointment. She had wanted to see Landon again. Their time at the gardens yesterday caused a thousand and one different emotions to swirl in her chest. She had wanted freedom. To like someone else. But her loyalty to Evan emerged, and when she returned to her dorm after she had given Landon her number, she had ignored her lecture notes and gone to bed. She had stared at the ceiling until she couldn’t fight it anymore and swiped through her photos of her and Evan. She had almost read his emails to punish herself, but she didn’t need to read Evan’s hate to remember it.
There was no way she could ever forget his hate.
Shaking her head, AJ entered her dormitory and made her way to the second floor. When she reached her room, she pulled her lanyard out of her bag and inserted her key into the lock and unlocked her door. Once inside, she dumped her bag on her bed and replied to Landon.
AJ: So when you get back?
Landon: Is that a suggestion or a promise?
She bit down on her lip to stop the smile on her face from stretching, but it was no use.
AJ: A promise.
Landon: Okay. When I get back, we’ll go out for lunch. Not dinner. We’ll pick a date and time during fall break when I see you.
AJ: Okay. Well, enjoy your class and good luck against Kansas.
Landon: Thanks, Massachusetts. I’ll see you next week.
Just as AJ was about to reply, her mother’s name and picture consumed her screen. AJ pressed her thumb on the accept button and held the phone to her ear.
“Hey, Mum,” AJ said as she kicked off her boots that Savannah had helped her choose last week at the mall.
“Hello, Alexandra. Derek, could you please get the cupcakes out of the oven and onto the cooling racks? The sooner we get them cool, the sooner we can send the large batch out to the fundraiser.”
AJ laughed as she shuffled back on her bed until the cement wall hit her back. “Mum, why are you calling me if you’re working at the bakery today?”
Her mother sighed. “I thought I’d have ten minutes to call my daughter. How are you?”
“Good.”
“And how are your classes?”
“They’re actually great. My professors—”
“No! Derek, this side! Sorry, my love, keep going.”
“Are you sure, Mum? You sound busy.”
“Nicola, could you take over? I’m on the phone with Alexandra,” her mother said.
“Tell Alex we send our love to our favorite college girl!”
AJ smiled. Nicola was one of the head bakers at her mother’s bakery. “Tell Nicola I said hi.”
“I will when I get back. I’m just locking myself in my office so we can talk. So what was that about your professors?”
“Oh. I like them, Mum. They haven’t won Nobel Prizes, but they’re brilliant and so clever. They’re so passionate about science. I sit there inspired by them. Professor Greene read my paper for quantum mechanics and thermal physics and said he had given me the best grade he had given any student in ten years at Duke.”
“Wow,” her mother breathed. “Alexandra, that’s amazing. See, I knew you would do well in college.”
“I’m starting to love Duke, Mum. I mean, maybe being here was fate. And I know you’re going to say that I always say that scientifically the concept of fate is nonexistent and a theory that hasn’t been tested ... but I feel like I was meant to be at Duke.”
“God, that is a relief to hear. Your father and I worry that letting you go to Duke was a mistake and should have talked you out of not choosing Stanford.”
AJ’s chin dipped. She didn’t want to hear about Stanford, but she knew it was inevitable. “Mum, I think I made the right decision by choosing Duke.”
“You know he calls,” her mother said in a small voice.
Evan.
Heat barreled through her chest.
Reminding her that pain would always remain, no matter how hard she tried to forget that it was there. It had only dulled. Not extinguished.
“I know,” she replied.
“I feel horrible for not answering his calls, Alexandra. I raised him.”
Tears prickled AJ’s eyes. Her mother’s guilt-ridden voice tore her heart to shreds. It wasn’t fair what she had done. To Evan or her parents. AJ’s mother and father loved Evan like their own son. They helped take care of him when his parents became so self-absorbed that they were negligent. “I’m sorry, Mum.”
“No, no, Alexandra. I didn’t mean for it to sound like I was blaming you.”
AJ nodded even though her mother couldn’t see it. “Mum?”
“Yes, my love.”
AJ knew what she had to do. She had to stop being unfair and selfish. Once she wiped the tears from her face, she said, “Mum, Evan needs you and Dad. He needs you both in his life. I took you all away from him. I didn’t just hurt him; I hurt you and Dad. You both welcomed him into our family, and I made you turn your back on someone you’ve taken care of and love. I’m sorry. I know you put me first because you love me and I’m your daughter, and I appreciate that.
“But I need you to be the second mother Evan trusted and relied on. When he calls you, please pick up. Please forget for a single phone call and be there for him. I’ve never wanted him to be alone, and I took away parents he never had in you and Dad. So please, when he calls, just talk to him. Let him be angry and shout about how much he hates me. He needs you both. Okay?”
Her mother was quiet.
So quiet that AJ asked, “Mum, are you still there?”
“I’m still here,” her mother finally said. Then AJ heard her sniffle. “You’ve grown up and matured so much since you left for college. I’m so proud of you. And I will. If he calls your father or me, we’ll pick up. But, my love, you are my priority because you are my daughter, and I love you so much. And I miss you. The house is so empty without you. It’s also so big without you. God, I miss you, Alexandra. Have you picked a date for when you’re coming home for fall break? I want to be at the airport when you land.”
It was AJ’s turn to allow silence to reach her mother.
Closing her eyes tightly, she took a deep breath and said, “Mum, I’m not coming home for fall break.”
“You’re not?” The disappointment was so clear in her mother’s voice.
“No, Mum. I hope that’s okay?”
“Alexandra …?”
She stilled. Her mother knew her best, and AJ shouldn’t be so surprised if she had already figured it out. “Yes?”
“Did …?” Her mother took a deep breath and slowly released it. “Did you meet someone?”
AJ had never lied to her mother.
And she wouldn’t start now.
“He will never replace Evan in my life or my heart, Mum. But Landon’s special, and I’d be an idiot if I didn’t give him a chance.”
“Okay,” her mother said as if she were saying it to herself rather than to AJ.
“Mum?”
“Yes.”
“I really like Landon. Please don’t make me come home,” she pleaded, hoping her mother would unde
rstand and support her decision as she had with her decision to turn her back on Stanford and all the other colleges she was accepted to.
“Oh, Alexandra. I’m not going to make you come home. If you like Landon, you have my support. I want what makes you happy.”
AJ swallowed back a sob that had suddenly built in her chest. “I’m happy at Duke,” she said honestly.
“Then I’m happy you’re at Duke, too. But I wish you’d come home. I miss you so much.”
“I miss you, too. I’ll come home for Thanksgiving,” she promised. “I love you, Mum.”
“I love you, too, Alexandra. I love you so much. I’ll see you soon.”
“Bye, Mum,” AJ said and then hung up.
She tilted her head back and let out a sigh, knowing that the next time Evan called her parents, he wouldn’t be greeted by their voicemail.
He’d have that portion of his life returned to him.
AJ sat on her bed, letting her tears fall at the realization of how horrible she was to him for taking the only family he had ever had away.
Her phone ringing caused her roommate to groan loudly.
“Alex,” Savannah whined. “It’s so early!”
AJ walked out of their bathroom and chuckled at the sight of her roommate covering her face with her white pillow. She fastened her stud earring in place and walked over to her desk where her phone was charging.
“Answer it! For the love of baby Jesus, answer it!” Sav pleaded.
Shaking her head, AJ answered the phone. “Hey.”
“Morning, Massachusetts.”
“Good morning, Landon.”
Savannah groaned once again. “Y’all are disgusting this early in the morning.”
“Savannah.”
“Hmm?”
AJ walked over to her roommate’s bed and removed the pillow from her face and set it next to her. Savannah was a mess. Her makeup from last night was still on her face, and she was still in the same outfit she’d worn. “Sav, it’s eleven in the morning. You have an afternoon class soon.”
“Oh, God. It’s eleven o’clock?” she asked, eyes still clenched shut.
She heard Landon laugh on his end of the call. “It is,” AJ confirmed. “I’ve let you sleep for as long as possible, but you need to shower and not look so hungover. Why did you even go to that party?”
Finally, Savannah opened her eyes and pouted. “It was so much fun!” Then she winced and rolled over. He roommate struggled but managed to finally get out of bed and go to the bathroom to get ready for class.
“Quite the morning you’re having, Massachusetts,” Landon teased.
“Ha-ha. You’re so funny,” she deadpanned as she walked over to Savannah’s closet and opened it. She pulled out a fresh towel and made her way to the bathroom door. She knocked twice and waited. “Sav?”
“Yeah?”
“Mind opening the door?”
“Alex, I’m butt naked!”
Both AJ and Landon laughed. “I have your towel.”
“Oh,” came from behind the bathroom door. The handle twisted, and the door opened just wide enough for Savannah to grab the towel AJ offered. “Thank you!” she said once the door closed, and the shower spray sounded.
“First time dealing with a drunk roommate?” Landon asked, humor layering his voice.
AJ rolled her eyes as she strolled to her desk where she had been working on her assignment yesterday. “It is. How did I do?”
“I’d give you a good eight out of ten.”
Pulling back her chair, AJ sat on it and began to tidy up her books before her first class of the day. “How do I get that elusive perfect mark?”
Landon hummed. “Well, you’re actually at a nine since you helped Savannah to bed last night and took off her shoes. You made sure she had water and an aspirin. And you made sure she had a towel for when she showered. So yeah, solid nine out of ten.”
“And what do I need to do to get a ten?” she asked as she stacked her textbooks on top of each other. Then AJ brushed her hair behind her ear and glanced out her dorm window. She could just see other students struggling against the wind and she knew her hair not being tied up would annoy her. She grasped the top desk drawer knob and pulled it with a lot more force than she usually did.
She watched as a black box tumbled down the drawer, and AJ’s heart dipped at the sight of it.
“Make sure she has coffee. She’s gonna need it,” Landon informed.
“Coffee,” she said as her shaky hand reached into the drawer and grasped the black box. “Got it. I’ll make sure we stop by Chino’s before her class.”
“Then you’re a ten out of ten.”
A small smile touched her lips as she heard the teasing in Landon’s voice. “Okay, funny guy. I’ll see you later?”
“Yeah. I’ll meet you outside the science building after your class ends.”
“Okay. I’ll see you then. Bye.” AJ hung up, set her phone on the desk, and pulled the black box from the drawer. She carefully put the box down as she glanced over at the framed picture of her and Evan.
Such a large part of her knew that opening the box meant experiencing all the pain and memories once again.
Such a larger part of her knew that it wasn’t fair to anyone if she were to open it.
But a part of her, no matter how small it was in size, was the most powerful part of her that needed to open the box.
AJ could lie to herself and say it was to remind her of why she had moved to Duke. Why she started to open herself up to Landon. But AJ knew the truth.
Because she still loved and missed Evan Gilmore completely.
And that thought was all she needed as she flicked open the lid and that silver necklace Evan had given her shone in the light.
It was still so beautiful.
Still full of sentimental value and memories.
AJ let her fingers trail over the protons and neutrons that made up the element of oxygen.
Eight protons.
Eight neutrons.
What Evan had whispered to her after he kissed her at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Day.
And to this day, it still left her mystified as to why he had whispered it.
“Eight protons. Eight neutrons,” she said in a soft voice as her fingers found the lid.
She glanced back at the picture of them at Fenway Park.
Those happy smiles.
And the way they looked at each other.
What he did still broke her heart.
“I still don’t know you, Evan,” she said as if he were with her, and then she shut the box, letting Evan’s necklace he’d given her on Christmas Day stay hidden like her heart and love for him.
It was just after two p.m. when AJ stared at the leaves that floated on the lake’s surface. After she had waited for Savannah to dress and get ready, they got coffee at Chino’s, and then AJ had walked her roommate to class before she headed over to her own. When AJ’s electromagnetism and optics class had ended, she walked out of the science building and was greeted with Landon’s smile and a takeout cup in his hand for her. He had remembered what drink she ordered at Chino’s that day, just over a week ago, when she had given him her number.
Their lunch date had turned into a walk-through of Sarah P. Duke Gardens until they ended up on the red bridge and watched the lake as they drank their hot beverages. Landon had updated her on his game against the Kansas Jayhawks. The Blue Devils had won at Madison Square Garden by thirteen points. Landon had score two three pointers but then had almost been fouled out of the game in the second half. They had stayed in New York an extra day and took a tour of the city with the new freshmen on the team since they didn’t have to return to Duke until Monday.
“So …” Landon said next to her.
AJ craned her neck to s
ee him staring at her with an unsure expression on his face. “Why do you look so worried right now?”
He pursed his lips. “I am worried.”
“Why?”
“Because you might have changed your mind and want to go back to Brookline.”
AJ turned her body so that she faced him. She tilted her head and asked, “What makes you think that?”
“I’m hoping you don’t go home for fall break. I’m just preparing in case you changed your mind and wanted to see your parents.”
AJ shook her head. “My parents know that I decided to stay at Duke. I’ll see them next month for Thanksgiving.”
The worried expression on his face did a one eighty, and a smile spread across his lips. “Alex, you’re Australian,” he reminded.
She rolled her eyes. “I still celebrate Thanksgiving.”
“That’s weird that you do,” he teased. “So you’re definitely staying …?”
“I’m definitely staying at Duke for fall break,” she confirmed.
“Well, how about this Saturday. Dinner. You and me?”
AJ bit her lip and feigned hesitation. When his smile slanted, she let out a laugh and decided to put them both out of their misery. “Yes, Landon! Dinner on Saturday.”
Landon’s grin returned as he stepped forward, took the half full takeout cup from her, and set it on the wooden railing of the bridge. Then his hands gently settled on her shoulders as he glanced down at her mouth and then back at her eyes.
On instinct, she felt her lips part as his face inched closer to hers.
He would kiss her.
AJ’s heart was at his mercy.
To free her and torture her.
She wanted him to kiss her.
She didn’t want him to kiss her.
