by Jami Wagner
I step toward him, fists clenched at my sides. “Leave! Get the fuck out of here. If I have to say it again, I will hit you and won’t stop until someone drags you away from me.”
His eyes glance at my hands before he points at me.
“You are not welcome in my home, ever again.”
I throw my hands up as he gets in his car and backs away.
I will gladly never see that man again. If I have any chance of redeeming myself with Kelsey in order for us to have a real family, my father needs to be as far away from me as I can get him.
Chapter Twenty-five
Kelsey
The next few weeks go slowly. I decline Sara’s mother’s invitation to join them for Thanksgiving. I don’t want to chance seeing Ethan. My parents came home early from their trip, and my mother is more excited about my news than my father. He’s being a total Scrooge this holiday season, but I don’t care. I never expected him to be happy.
There’s no way I’m staying at their house anymore. I don’t want to be anywhere near Ethan. Thinking about him is hard enough. I would lose it if I saw him. But I miss him. I’m so angry and confused, I don’t understand how I can miss him. He’s the reason we’re in this spot to begin with. My cellphone rings on the stand next to my bed. I glance over to see Ethan’s name flashing across the screen. Again. I don’t reach for my phone but instead I sink down into my bed and cover myself completely with my sheets.
The finalist dinner came and went, and although they offered me the position and I accepted it, I can’t even force myself to be happy about it. It’s the one thing in my life actually working out. For as much as I had looked forward to that night, my mind is still in such a fog over everything that’s happened, it almost doesn’t feel real.
“Kelsey?” Sara pokes her head inside my bedroom door. “I’m going to make spaghetti for dinner. Do you want some?”
My stomach rumbles at the word spaghetti. Sounds like my little one is going to be a lover of Italian food just like her mother. I’m almost positive it’s a girl.
“I’m going to take that as a yes.” Sara gives a slight laugh from the door and then leaves.
Once the door closes, I pull the sheets off my face. The red light at the top of my phone screen is blinking. I have a voicemail.
I stare at my phone, trying to decide what to do. Ethan leaves a voicemail every time he calls. I never listen to them and when my mailbox is full, I delete them unheard.
I crawl out of bed and stand in front of the full-length mirror behind my bedroom door. When I was at the hospital I found out I was eight weeks along, which makes me almost eleven weeks now. That means I got pregnant the night of the pool table and my due date is early June. It also means I’m an idiot because I didn’t know for eight weeks. I should have figured it out sooner. I turn to my side and lift up my shirt. I don’t look any different, but I feel like a whole new person.
I have my first real doctor’s appointment next week and Sara is going with me. Every day she tells me I’m making a mistake by not including Ethan, but I try my best to ignore her. She’s still mad at Ethan, but I think she’s even more annoyed at the fact I don’t want him there. I don’t want him around me or the baby at all. He was pretending the whole time we were together and never wanted me to begin with. I don’t want the burden of him pretending he wants a family too.
I just wish I could pretend that I hadn’t fallen in love with him and that my heart doesn’t hurt when I think of him. Most of all, I wish I didn’t miss him.
Ethan
It’s crazy how disappointed a person can be with himself. We are responsible for making our own choices. Even when we know the outcome can be bad, most of the time, we still make mistakes.
I knew what could happen the longer I kept things from Kelsey, and for some reason, I still never found a time to tell her. Now, here I am, lying on the couch in my living room in the dark and feeling angry with myself because I made a mistake. A big mistake.
It’s been almost two months since Logan told me about her first doctor’s appointment. The one where she first heard the baby’s heartbeat and the one I should have been with her. But she still won’t answer my calls. I’ve missed Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. We were supposed to spend them all together. Now, I may never get the chance.
I’ve considered countless times going over to her apartment and demand she talk to me. I should do it, because after everything, keeping a child from their father is bullshit, but Sara keeps reassuring me Kelsey will come around and I need to give her space. Two months feels like plenty of time to get your space. I need to just face it: Kelsey wants nothing to do with me. Not even as the father of our baby.
Sara’s been kind enough to keep me employed at the BA, but she gave Kelsey a new position keeping the books and lets her do it from their apartment. The fall semester ended, meaning Kelsey’s finally done with college and will walk in the spring to get her degree. I also heard she got the columnist job. Again, I wanted to call to congratulate her—for moments like that, I should be there with her.
I’m also lucky that Logan has been sharing bits and pieces of what Kelsey has been up to and how she’s feeling. He threatens me each time that Sara can never find out what he is doing. More secrets. That’s what got me into this whole mess.
A knock at my door doesn’t pull me off the couch. I don’t care who’s here. If it’s not Kelsey, they don’t matter. The knock quickly turns into pounding until whoever it is gives up and just lets themselves inside.
“Dude, really, get off the couch,” Logan says as he walks closer and then stops to bury his face in his elbow and wave his free hand in front of him. “If that’s you who smells like garbage, we have problems. Come on, get up.”
“I’m good,” I tell him.
“No, you’re not. Look at you, sitting all pathetic on the couch. Not giving a damn. Haven’t showered, haven’t shaved, and haven’t—”
“I don’t have a reason to do any of those things. Drop it,” I say, rising quickly to get in his face.
“Well…at least I got you off the couch.” He pushes me away from him. “Now go shower.”
“No,” I argue, letting my body drop back onto the sofa.
“Alright,” Logan steps toward me and yanks on my arm. Like a little kid, I pull back, lift my foot to his stomach, and push him away before I jump to my feet.
“Dude, what the—”
Logan grabs my arms and pulls me in front of him then shoves me from the back.
“Get in the shower now, Ethan. Kelsey and Sara are going to get some food and we’re going to be at the café with they get there.”
Now he has my full attention.
“She doesn’t want anything to do with me, Logan. It will only make things worse.”
He doesn’t respond right away and his silence lets me know he isn’t giving up.
“Is that what you want?” he asks.
“What?”
“To give up. To just let her go. To let her live her life without you.”
“That’s not what I want. That’s what she wants.”
Logan shakes his head. “So, you are giving up. I have to tell you, I think it’s weak and stupid and you’re an idiot. Stop acting like a girl and being all dramatic. Go get what you want. Don’t take no for an answer.”
“I’m not being a girl,” I tell him and walk straight up the stairs to take a shower.
* * *
We pull into a parking space next to the diner downtown. Logan turns off his truck.
“Let’s go.”
“What if she causes a scene?” I ask.
“She won’t. The only person causing a scene right now is you being afraid to go in there.”
I get out of the truck and walk past him into the coffee shop. I’m over all this “you’re acting like a bitch” talk.
The smell of coffee beans is overwhelming when I walk inside. It takes me less than five seconds to find Sara. My heart drops in my chest
when I notice she’s sitting alone. She smiles at me and waves me over. I walk slowly, disappointed because Kelsey isn’t here.
“Hurry, sit,” Sara demands. May as well do what everyone else tells me since my own choices haven’t ended well. “She can’t run if you’re already sitting.”
Run.
What is she talking about?
“I have her purse, too, so she has to come to the table—oh shh, shh here she comes.” Sara waves her hands in my face. Kelsey stands just a few tables away. She looks perfect, wearing blue jeans and a plain white t-shirt that is now snug against her belly.
She stops when she sees me, and for a minute I think I see her eyes tearing up. Probably a pregnancy thing. I’ve read a little about it, but I’m still hoping they are tears of joy at seeing me. Her face has no expression as she walks to our table.
“Hi,” I say when she stops next to Sara’s chair. She squats down, grabs her purse, then walks away.
“Kelsey, wait!” I shout as I follow her out of the coffee shop. “Please talk to me. I messed up, I know I did, but—”
“But nothing, Ethan. I don’t want this baby to grow up in a lie or to suffer like I have.”
“It wasn’t a lie. Nothing with you was a lie. I love you.” I grab her hand and pull her close. “I love you more than anything and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Please. Please give me that chance.”
Tears flow over her cheeks as she looks away and time stands still. She takes a moment to catch her breath.
“I’m not going to keep you from your baby, Ethan. No matter what happens, this baby deserves a father. You will always be a part of my life, but I can’t trust you, Ethan, and I…I don’t want this. I don’t want us.”
“Just give me five minutes to explain. I never intended to hurt you. I just wanted my dad’s approval.”
“You had more than enough chances before this all happened to talk to me. To trust me. But you didn’t and this is what happened. I’m sorry, Ethan.”
And just like that, I watch her walk away without fighting. She’s given me more chances than I can ask for, and the only thing left for me to do is wait until she decides to change her mind. Deep down, I am scared that she won’t.
Chapter Twenty-six
Kelsey
I have another doctor’s appointment today and I’m still a blubbering mess over running into Ethan. Seeing him at the café pulled every emotion I’ve worked hard to bury out into the open. I grab a Kleenex and gently try to fix my makeup, but the tears keep coming and ruin it. After giving up, I wander down the hall to the kitchen and find Sara sitting at the table in her pajamas with her computer in front of her. She looks up and frowns.
“Hey, how many times do I need to remind you that stress isn’t good for you or the baby?” she says softly as she gets up to give me a hug.
“It’s not like I’m trying to be stressed. I blame you this time for the whole lunch fiasco yesterday.” This causes her to smile and she sits back down, tucking one leg under the other.
“I just want you to be happy. And I thought you were happy with Ethan. I just wanted to help get things back on track. Don’t you think you’ve punished him enough?”
“Just because you’ve already forgiven him doesn’t mean I can, too.”
My eyes start to tear up again when I see her sad smile, but I quickly pull myself together at a knock at the door. I open the door slowly and the waterworks come back when I find my brother Conner, standing in the hallway.
He’s taller than I remember, but his hair is still the same brown as mine, only curly and a tad bit shaggy, and his dark brown eyes feel like home. He pulls me into a hug as I sob into his white shirt.
“Calm down. It’s okay,” he says and then holds me at shoulder length to look me in the eye. “Aren’t these supposed to be the happiest moments in your life?” he asks and I laugh.
“You try being pregnant. Nothing happy about your clothes not fitting, throwing up at almost every smell, and—”
“Doing it alone is your choice, Kelsey,” Sara adds from her spot at the table. “Hey, Conner. It’s good to see you,” she says then closes her laptop and leaves us alone in the kitchen.
I close the door, point to the sofa, and grab a couple of waters before I join him.
“Alone, huh? What happened to the dad?” Conner asks.
“He… wasn’t who I thought he was,” I say, lowering my head. Conner never knew Ethan that well but, he knew him well enough to know who I’m talking about.
“Did you know I have a son?” he asks and I look at him with surprise. Conner is never the kind of person to beat around the bush. “Yep, you’re an aunt. For almost two years now.”
How did I not know any of this? My little brother has a kid and no one tells me!
“I just found out about him two weeks ago. His name is Jake,” he adds and gives me a weak smile as he pulls out a photo. The little boy in the phone looks just like him as he sits on the swing with a big smile and dirt all over his face.
“I went to tell Mom and Dad first, but Mom wouldn’t stop rambling on about what’s going on with you. I came here as soon as she stopped talking.” He laughs for a split second before his face falls serious again. “I’m not going to give you some big lecture, but I missed out on two years of his life and those are years I’ll never get back. We both know I’m not perfect and I probably did something to screw up bad enough she didn’t want me around. It sucks. I would do anything for this kid and I wish his mother would have told me so that no matter what our past was, we could have given the family thing a try.” He takes a deep breath. “But it sucks most of all that this little boy was caught in the middle of it and spent two years without a father. Don’t take your anger with this baby’s father out on your child. He or she didn’t do anything to deserve it, but they deserve to be happy, just like you. They deserve a family.”
* * *
I never thought I’d be so excited for a doctor’s appointment. Today I find out if my baby is a boy or girl. My fingers are crossed as I wait not so patiently, hoping he or she is in a position to know for sure. I want to call Ethan to tell him about it and invite him to join me, but I’m scared.
My mind is still going haywire since my brother left. I’m excited for him and his new son. And I hope things work out for him. What he said to me, about not being in his son’s life made sense, but I just don’t know if I have in me to risk being hurt again.
“It’s a girl,” the doctor’s voice distracts me as he runs the tools over my belly and watches the screen. “See right there, she’s bending over for us. No mistaking this one. You’re definitely having a girl.”
Tears form in my eyes. My baby is now my little girl, and there isn’t anyone here to share this moment with.
That’s your own fault, Kelsey.
“We’ll get you a copy so you can share it with your friends and family,” he says, leaving the room. I adjust my shirt over my round belly that’s now extremely noticeable to everyone. I was never hiding it, but there was a time where you couldn’t tell whether I was pregnant or putting on some extra weight.
I walk down the short hallway back to the waiting room to make my next appointment. There’s a man and a woman sitting together, both bent over with their attention on the baby carrier in front of them. The woman laughs and the man kisses her temple. I’ll never have that. I’ll never get to experience what it’s like to be a happy family. I sit down as I wait my turn, but I can’t take my eyes away from this new family.
Ethan hasn’t given up on us. God, he told me he loved me. I know he didn’t say it just because I’m pregnant. The emotion that comes with it went straight to my heart. I was mad then, but right now, I’m thinking clearer.
I shouldn’t have just walked away. I should have given him a chance to explain himself. Just because we can’t get a relationship right the first time, or second, or even third doesn’t mean we can’t make one work in the end.
“Ms.
Brian,” the nurse behind the counter calls my name. The new mother gives me a small, sad smile. She must have noticed me watching her and how alone I am.
I give my paper to the nurse, she types a few buttons, and we schedule my next appointment. Another nurse hands me the picture of my baby girl. At the door, I take a final look back at the family. I could have that. I could be happy. It’s clear what I need to do.
I close myself inside my car and pull out my phone. I need to call Sara and find out where Ethan is. I’ve been wrong this whole time and hope it’s not too late for him to take me back.
“Hi, how was it?” Sara answers.
“Do you know where Ethan is?” I ask her instead of answering her question.
“What?”
“Ethan, Sara…where is he?”
I hear her whispering—to who I don’t know, but I have a pretty good guess. She giggles and tells whoever she’s with to stop what they’re doing.
“He’s at home,” she says into the phone with a laugh. “Why do you ask?”
“I need to talk to him. I need to fix everything,” I say and hang up, tossing the phone onto the passenger’s seat as I drive straight for Ethan’s house.
I stand outside his door waiting as patiently as I can. He has to be home. He has to answer this door right now. I’ve made countless mistakes in my life, but having a life without Ethan isn’t even an option anymore. I want it all. And I want it all with him. Please. Please answer the door.
Ethan
I really hope Logan isn’t messing with me. On cue, Kelsey’s car pulls into my driveway. I don’t take my eyes off her as she runs to the door, bundled in a winter coat and pair of jeans. Logan warned me, but Kelsey coming here doesn’t really sink in until I see her.
I stand with my hand over the knob, giving myself a quick pep talk before I open the door. I’m finally coming to terms with the way she wants things. She and I won’t be together and our baby will grow up in separate homes. I remind myself how hard it’s going to be when I see her, when I look into her eyes, and she doesn’t want me back. She doesn’t want us. And I need to stop convincing myself she’ll change her mind.
