“Yes.”
I let that settle for a moment. “How much?”
Brigid sighs. “Remember how I said if you weren’t positive you knew what you wanted, the choice would be made for you?” I nod. “It can kill you, Kendry. That’s how much it hurts.”
Oh God. “How can you survive then?”
“By being certain. By wanting the change enough that you hold onto that, overcoming the pain.”
“That’s just...”
“Natural selection.”
“Wow, harsh.”
She shrugs. “It is what it is.” But I can hear in her voice, it’s not.
“How do you know it hurts so much? Aren’t your parents both demis?”
“I had a son. He thought he knew what he wanted. He didn’t.”
I can tell it’s an old wound. But some wounds never fully heal. “I’m sorry.”
“I wish he had been smart enough to ask the hard questions like you’re doing. He always thought life was so easy, though.” She shakes herself. “All a long time ago. Make sure you know what you want, Kendry.”
I glance at the doors Axel left through. The life I would have had, if the Uprising had never happened, is long gone. The human life. College, boyfriend, all of that. Choosing to go demi seems like a given. What is there for me, now, as a human, but a life of being protected, of always being the liability? And I can’t help thinking about Mom, and how she’s out there somewhere, and that this might help her, might help me find her.
I don’t think knowing what I want is going to be a problem.
*
Brigid leaves not long after, promising to talk more later. I stare at the door she left by, my head overflowing with questions. There’s still so much I don’t know. I hear Axel’s footsteps come in from the other room, so I turn to see him. I can’t help but admire how beautiful he is.
It’s almost always been my first thought on seeing him. I can’t help it.
But now, now I blush and look away.
He’s nice enough not to comment, even though I can hear the strain in his voice. “Come on, it’s time we were going.”
I wonder if we’re ever going to be able to get back the easy friendship we had before we left Greenbriar. “Where to?”
“To see a friend.” He smiles slightly at my confused expression. “Buc. He’s been busy since we got here, and he asked if I’d bring you to his workshop.”
“Wait, Buc has a workshop? What kind?”
“You’ll see. But I promise you’ll like it.”
The corridors of the castle are as quiet as they’ve been since we got here. I imagine it’s busier when the Conclave isn’t meeting at all hours, since I can’t think of a reason for the place to be as huge as it is if it’s always dead like this. Still, it feels a little weird.
The odd quiet is broken by a sound echoing down the hall behind us. Someone laughing, the bark of a dog or wolf. I smile. “What do you bet that’s Shelly and Caleb?”
“Kendry...” He’s nervous as I step away.
“What? I hardly think they’re a danger.” The noises come closer, and I can definitely make out Shelly’s voice, and now the sound of their feet. And then they round the corner. Shelly is letting Caleb chase her, his wolf form bouncing along the stone corridor. If it were anyone else, it’d be sickening. With them, it’s cute.
“Wait, Kendry—”
“God, Shelly, you two are disgustingly cute.”
Shelly laughs and waves. “Hey Kendry!” I shrug at Axel, and walk towards her. Axel’s face is still closed off, but I’m starting to figure out his worried look, and he’s wearing it. Which confuses me.
“Hey, where’d you guys leave Thom?”
“Oh, he’s out running around somewhere.”
“I thought you guys were working on some project?”
“What? Oh, no, that’s an excuse for Caleb and me to get out and spend time together. Like you and Axel,” she says with a wink.
Okay, Axel’s right, something is definitely not right. She leans in to give me a hug, but this close, she looks…wrong, somehow. I can’t put my finger on it, but it makes me flinch away.
She shoots me a hurt look. “Kendry, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I—”
“Kendry!”
Axel barrels into her, flinging both of them into the wall. The thing that isn’t Shelly shifts, her face growing longer and paler, hair pure white, fingers long and sharp. They hit the wall with a sickening crunch, and the pretender screams. The high-pitched noise hurts my ears.
And then I notice the snarling behind me.
Oh shit.
My mouth is suddenly dry as I turn my head. The wolf that isn’t Caleb also isn’t even a wolf anymore. It’s an enormous black dog, the size of a cow, teeth bared in a vicious snarl, hackles raised along black, wiry, spiky fur. Its eyes burn red.
It barks, and lunges. I fall down to my back, wincing at the hard stone beneath me. My legs come up with the creature’s lunge, forcing it over and past me using its own momentum. It skids to the opposite wall, and is back on its feet as soon as I am. I have enough time to grab my knife and crouch into a fighting stance before it dives at me again.
Years-past martial arts classes fly through my head. Don’t back up, sidestep. Kick. I wince as my foot makes contact with the dog’s head, and I wish I had boots instead of my trail runners. And I’m pretty certain all I succeed in doing is pissing it off more. It squares off, and jumps again. I sidestep again.
Axel flies straight into it.
Behind me, whatever was pretending to be Shelly lies in a heap against the wall. I creep closer for a better look while Axel and the giant black dog make an enormous, pounding ruckus. She’s beautiful in an odd, elongated and too-thin way. I don’t think she’s dead.
Her eyes fly open, proving me right. They’re a pale, opalescent white, and they stare straight at me. She hisses, baring sharp spikes for teeth, and I back up again.
“Stupid human,” she spits, folding herself upright. “If we can’t have you, we’ll kill you before you make your choice.”
Oh, I’m getting so damn tired of this.
She flies at me, claw-fingers outstretched. I sidestep again, almost at the last moment. My knee comes up, driving into her torso, and my arm reaches behind her to reinforce the blow. Booyah for the taekwondo classes Mom suggested I take.
Except that her long fingers grab my ankle, pulling my foot out from under me. We crash to the floor, and my knife goes flying. Her hand finds my throat.
The ground below me shakes, and then the fingers are ripped off my throat as Axel throws her down the hall. The black dog barrels into him, sending them both the opposite way in the time it takes me to feel the gashes on my neck from crazy-chick’s claws. I drag myself up, coughing, but she’s back again, shrieking.
The sound really hurts. But then I hear a different sound, and this one is music to my abused ears.
The sound of a pump-action shotgun loading.
I have barely enough time to cover my ears before Buc fires.
The impersonator, whatever it was, screams, and bursts into flame, incinerating in seconds. Behind Buc comes the sickening crunch of a neck snapping. I’m hoping that means the big black dog is done, too.
“Perfect timing, Buc,” Axel says as he comes over. There’s not a mark on his stone body.
“What were those things? And what the hell did you shoot her with?”
Buc smiles as only a minotaur can. Which is to say, very strangely. “Well, that was a fae, the nasty sort. The other was a Black Dog, a barghest or a gwyllgi, depending on where you are. And I shot that damn traitor fae with pure iron and rock salt buckshot.” He pulls out a cartridge with an even bigger smile. “Make ‘em myself.”
I smile back. “12 gauge?”
Buc snorts. “10.”
I peel my hand off the cuts on my neck where Axel ripped the dark fae’s hand off me. It’s sticky with blood. My head spins a little. “Buc, why are you making roc
k salt and iron buckshot?”
He snorts again. “Knew this day was coming. Never hurts to be prepared.” He winks.
“Kendry, are you alright?” Axel’s voice seems suddenly distant.
“I... I must’ve...hit my head.” My knees give out, but I don’t hit the floor. I can’t figure out why, until I realize Axel’s arms are holding me up. He seems so far away. Or maybe I’m the one that’s far away.
“Kill me...” God, my head’s gone fuzzy. I’m having the hardest time forming words.
“Kendry? Kendry!”
“She said... Before... I choose. Kill before I choose.” I can’t lift my hands now. Everything seems so slow, and I can’t remember what the fuss was about.
I can hear Axel and Buc cursing. Not sure why. Something about poison, and claws. What claws?
God, I’m tired. I want to lay down here. Sleep. Sleep sounds good.
I smile a little. Axel’s holding me. I’m in his arms.
Only place I ever wanted to be. So nice here. Maybe he’ll kiss me again.
Something incredibly strong smelling is shoved in my face, filling my nostrils. I try to protest as it’s shoved in my mouth, as my jaws are worked for me, but I can’t. I’m too limp.
Smells like licorice. Gross.
I shoot upright, spluttering and coughing. Whatever it was burns down my throat, bringing me back from the dreadful serenity. Axel’s hands are on my arms, and I’m sitting on some hard surface. A desk, I think.
“That’s it, Kendry. Breathe.”
I do. It hurts. So does the feeling coming back to my hands and feet and everything. “What the hell happened?” I manage to choke.
Axel stares at my eyes, as if making sure I’m there. “The fae’s claws. They were poisoned.”
“What did you give me?”
He grimaces. “Star anise. Demeter keeps a stash of them. She likes them in tea.”
I shake my head, trying to clear it, and wish I hadn’t. “God. I am so absolutely sick of this.”
Axel’s face goes hard. “I know. But this is exactly why I need to keep you safe.”
A bitter retort dies on my tongue as the door bursts open, revealing Dad. “Kendry? Kendry! Axel, is she alright?”
“She’s fine, Herne. Nothing we couldn’t handle.” He’s talking to Dad, but looking at me. I know he’s trying to protect me this way, too.
Dad’s not really listening, though. “What happened this time?”
“A barghest and one of the dark fae. They disguised themselves as Shelly and Caleb.”
Dad swears. At least, I’m pretty sure he’s swearing. It’s just not in any language I know. Though it does sound a lot like whatever language Axel used, before. “That’s it. Axelrod, she stays in her room, under constant watch. We can’t have them getting to her.”
“Whoa, excuse me?”
“This isn’t up for discussion, young lady. They already have your mother. I’m not letting them get you.”
“I don’t really give a damn if you think it’s up for discussion. I’m not doing it. I’m not staying locked up for a little peace of mind on your part!”
“It’s only until we can use the Veritas Lapidem and identify—”
“No! Not happening! You can’t walk out of my life for nearly six years and expect me to bow to your every whim when you finally show back up again!”
“Kendry, it was for your safety then, and it’s for your safety now!”
“Screw my safety! This is about you, and your plans. Not me. Has it ever been about me? Or Mom? You said you’d get her back, but you haven’t done anything!” Hot tears spill down my face to mingle with the blood on my shirt. I feel hoarse, but I don’t care.
“It’s always been about you, and your mother! I left so you wouldn’t get caught up in this!”
“You left so I wouldn’t have a choice! Well, screw you too, because I’ve made mine! I’m sick of being the damsel in distress.” I’ve shoved myself off the desk, and even though I have to crane my neck to glare up at him, I still push my finger in his face. “You don’t get to keep me human, keep me helpless. I refuse to continue being a victim!”
Dad’s face falls, and all the bluster goes out of him at once. He collapses into a nearby chair. “Oh Kendry. You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“Oh yes, I do. I will not be used, by them or by you.”
Axel’s voice settles around me from behind, the comforting voice of the friend I’ve missed, even though his words aren’t. “It may not make any difference, you know.”
Dad sighs. “He’s right. No new demi knows what they’ll be like. You may not change at all, beyond an increased lifespan.”
“At least they won’t be able to use me anymore. At least I won’t be the helpless human that has to be protected all the time.”
There’s genuine sadness on Dad’s face. “You can’t go back from this, you know.”
“I know.”
“The change carries its own dangers. There are some things that cannot be predicted.”
“I don’t care.” I stare up at him, feeling full of defiance and surety. I know in the back of my mind, I’m probably being stupid. But I won’t let him treat me like the child I’m not.
He sighs. Behind me, Axel remains strangely quiet.
“I can’t change your mind, can I?”
I shake my head. “No. I don’t expect it to be easy. But...” I hesitate, allowing a half-smile through my tears, and finally relent. “I guess I’m too much your daughter,” I say, staring him in the eye. “You taught me never to back away from a challenge, never to back down if there was even the smallest chance of winning. I won’t run now. If there’s even the smallest chance that my choice can end this, can bring Mom back safe, can make any difference at all, then I’m taking it.
“It’s one thing to be someone’s unwitting tool. It’s another thing entirely to decide to make the difference with your eyes wide open. Freedom and safety, remember? Safety isn’t worth the sacrifice.”
I can feel Axel behind me, and I wish I knew what he was thinking.
“Touché,” Dad says with his own half-smile. “You have you mother’s fire in you.” He sighs again, pushing himself up to pace the small office. “Best done soonest, then. I’ll speak with Brigid and Danu, have them prepare the mead. Normally the choice to become demi would be announced to the Conclave, but considering where we stand—”
“Do it,” I interrupt. “Announce it.”
Dad freezes, and I can feel Axel’s disapproval behind me. “If we do that, the traitors will do everything they can to stop the change.”
“I still don’t understand why. I know they want to use, what, the untapped pre-change power sitting in me?”
“Something like that, yes.”
“But why would they rather kill me than see me turn demi?”
“Because they fear what you might become.” Axel breaks his long silence. “The demis of Herne’s family are incredibly strong. They fear you might be too. Strong enough to make the difference.”
“Then use that.” I meet Dad’s eyes. “You’ve been trying to draw them out. I won’t be a pawn, but I will be a willing lure. Tell them.”
“Kendry...”
“The change could take hours or days,” Axel says quietly from behind. “You’ll be impossibly vulnerable.”
I finally turn to face him, staring into his deep black eyes. “Then I trust you to keep me safe.”
It’s all arranged before I know it.
Axel and Buc take me back to my room, where Buc plants himself outside my door. I have to smile at the arsenal he’s got strapped to him. Only a minotaur would pack a double-bladed ax and a shotgun. He’s even got a bandolier of shells strapped across his chest, a pair of .357’s behind his back, a tomahawk at his waist, and probably half a dozen other things I don’t see.
It’s not ‘til Axel closes the door behind me that I’m suddenly nervous. “What did I do?” I whisper to myself.
; Axel turns back to me from closing the balcony doors. “It’s not too late to change your mind.” His voice is heavy, almost like he’s dreading my next words. It’s the same kind of hesitancy he had this morning.
I shake my head. “No. I know this is what I need to do. It’s just... I’m just...”
He turns, relaxing, proving I’ve said the right thing. “Scared?”
“A little,” I say with a half smile. “Maybe more than a little. I’m terrified, actually.” My laugh sounds hollow and fake in my own ears. “You know, when I was younger, I’d sit and think about what I would be when I grew up. I couldn’t ever decide. There were so many interesting things to do. But then the Uprising happened, and it didn’t matter anymore. Now… There’s no way I could have guessed at any of this. I don’t know what I’ll become. Or even…” I take a deep breath, trying not to freak out. “Or even if I’ll survive at all. And there’s Mom.”
“We’ll get her back, Kendry.”
“I know, but it’s more than that. She’s human. And I don’t even get to talk to her about this first.” I don’t say that I refuse to admit she might be dead. I know it’s a possibility. But I can’t say it out loud.
“I think she’ll be proud of you, Kendry.”
My heart tightens a little at his use of ‘she will,’ instead of ‘she would.’ It’s a little thing, a verb tense, but it gives me hope. “I know. And I know that this may be the only way I’m strong enough to get her back, that even doing this, I still might never see her again. I wish I could talk to her, and know that she’s okay with this. With me becoming a para.”
“Hey.” His fingers brush my arm, and then tucks a bit of hair behind my ear. “Where’s that fire from a few minutes ago?”
I wish he’d hold me. I’m glad he’s back to friend mode, instead of hiding across the room, but I want more. I want what we shared last night. But I don’t want another argument. I can’t handle it, not with this. So I don’t touch him, and I don’t look at him. I stare at the hands in my lap, and shake my head.
His hands clench, and he walks away, taking my sliver of hope with him.
Neither of us move as a knock comes at the door. My heart pounds in my chest, not because I’m afraid of who might come through the door, but because I know what it means.
ParaWars Uprising Page 14
