by M C Beaton
But no angry faces glared at her as she climbed aboard the bus. Mrs. Doris Simpson was there, to Agatha's relief and surprise, and so she sat beside the cleaning woman and chatted idly of this and that. The women in the bus were mostly middle-aged. Some had brought their knitting, some squares of tapestry. The old bus creaked and clanked along the lanes. The sun shone. It was all very peaceful.
Agatha assumed that the entertainment to be provided for them by the ladies of Mircester would take the form of tea and cakes, and meant to indulge herself to the full, feeling all the exercise she had taken in the past few days merited a hinge on pastry. But when they alighted at a church hall it was to find that a full-scale lunch with wine had been laid on. The wine had been made by members of the Mircester Ladies' Society and was extremely potent. Lunch consisted of clear soup, roast chicken with chips and green peas, and sherry trifle, followed by Mrs. Rain-worth's apple brandy. Applause for Mrs. Rainworth, a gnarled old crone, was loud and appreciative as the brandy went the rounds.
The chairwoman of the Mircester Ladies' Society got to her feet. "We have a surprise for you." She turned to Mrs. Bloxby. "If your ladies would take their bus to the Malvern Theatre, they will find seats have been booked for them." "What is the entertainment?" asked Mrs. Bloxby.
There were raucous shouts from the Mircester ladies of "Secret! You'll see." "I wonder what it is," said Agatha to Doris Simpson as they climbed aboard their coach again. It was now Doris and Agatha.
"I don't know," said Doris. "There was some children's theatre giving a show. Might be that."
"I've drunk so much," said Agatha, "I'll probably sleep through the lot."
"Now that is a surprise!" exclaimed Doris when their ancient bus clanked to a halt outside the theatre. "It says, "All-American Dance Troupe. The Spanglers."
"Probably one of these modern ballet companies," groaned Agatha.
"Everyone in black tights dancing around what looks like a bomb site.
Oh, well, I hope the music's not too loud."
Inside, she settled herself comfortably with the other members of the Carsely Ladies' Society.
To a roll of drums, the curtain rose. Agatha blinked. It was a show of male strippers. The music beat and pulsated and the strobe lights darted here and there. Agatha sank lower in her seat, her faced scarlet with embarrassment. Mrs. Rainworth, the inventor of the apple brandy, stood up on her seat and shouted hysterically, "Get ' orf."
The women were yelling and cheering. Agatha was dimly glad of the fact that Doris Simpson had taken out some knitting and was working away placidly, seemingly oblivious to what was going on on the stage or in the audience. The strippers were tanned and well-muscled. They did not strip completely. They had an arch teasing manner, more like bimbos than men. Naughty but nice. But most of the women were beside themselves. One middle-aged dyed blonde, one of the Mircester ladies, made a wild rush to the stage and had to be pulled back.
Agatha suffered in silence. But when the show finished, her agony was not over. Members of the audience who wanted their photographs taken with one of the strippers could do so for a mere fee of ten pounds. And with a few exceptions, the Carsely ladies all wanted photographs taken.
"Did you enjoy the show, Mrs. Raisin?" asked the vicar's wife, Mrs. Bloxby, as Agatha shakily got on board the bus.
"I was shocked," said Agatha.
"Oh, it was only a bit of fun," said Mrs. Bloxby. "I've seen worse on television." "I'm surprised you should find it amusing," said Agatha.
"They're such good boys. Do you know they did a special show for the Kurdish refugees and raised five thousand pounds? And all that money for the photographs goes towards restoring the abbey roof." "How clever of them," said Agatha, who recognized good PR when she heard it. By donating occasionally to charity, the troupe of male strippers had made themselves respectable and allowed licensed lust to flourish in the breasts of the Cotswold ladies, who would turn up by the busload to cheer them on. Perhaps these Americans had started an English tradition, mused Agatha sourly. Perhaps in five hundred years' time there would be male strippers performing in the squares of the Cotswold villages while tour guides lectured their clients on the beginnings of this ancient ritual.
Back to the church hall and down to business. Once more they were a large group of staid worthy women, discussing the arrangements of this fete and that to raise funds for charity. Mrs. Bloxby got to her feet and said, "Our Mrs. Raisin is running an auction on June tenth to raise money for charity. I hope you will all come and help to drive up the bidding. We are very grateful to Mrs. Raisin and hope you will all do your best to support her." Agatha cringed, waiting for someone to say, "Not that Mrs. Raisin, not the one who poisoned poor Mr. Cummings-Browne," but all she got was a warm-hearted round of applause.
Agatha felt quite weepy as she stood up and bowed in acknowledgement.
Bill Wong was right. Retirement would be highly enjoyable just so long as she forgot all about Reg Cummings-Browne and that wretched quiche.
Chapter Eight.
Agatha kept to her determination to mind her own business as far as the death of Cummings-Browne was concerned. Instead, she turned her energies again on the local newspapers and dealers, rousing interest in the auction. The editors published paragraphs about the auction just to keep Agatha quiet, as journalists had done in the not so very long ago when she was selling some client or product.
In their good-natured way, the Carsely Ladies' Society contributed books, plates, vases and other worn-looking items which they had bought over the years at other sales and were now recycling. As the day of the auction approached, Agatha began to receive more and more visitors.
Mrs. Mason, the chairwoman of the group, called regularly with several of the other ladies with their contributions, until Agatha's living-room began to look more and more like a junk shop.
She was so engrossed in all this that she almost forgot about Roy's visit and had to rush to meet the train on the Friday evening. She wished he were not coming. She was beginning to feel part of this village life and did not want outrageous Roy to damage her new image of Lady Bountiful.
To her relief, he descended from the train looking as much a businessman as several of the other London commuters. He had a conventional hair-style, no earrings, and wore a business suit. Hanging baskets of flowers were ornamenting Moreton-in-Marsh station and roses bloomed in flower-beds on the platform. The sun was blazing down on a perfect evening.
"Like another world," said Roy. "I thought you'd made a ghastly mistake coming here, Aggie, but now I think you're lucky." "How's the baby-food thing going?" asked Agatha as he got in the car.
"I did what you said and it was a great success, so I've leaped to respectability with the firm. Do you know who the latest client is?"
Agatha shook her head.
"Handley's nursery chain."
Agatha looked bewildered. "More babies?"
"No, dear. Gardens. They've even given me a dress allowance, tweed sports jacket, cords and brogues, can you believe it? Do you know, I thought I quite liked flowers, but they've got all these poisonously long Latin names, like chemical formulas, and I never took Latin at school. It's all so boring; garden sheds and gnomes and crazy paving as well."
"I might like a gnome," said Agatha. "No, not for me," she added, thinking of Mrs. Simpson.
"We'd better sit in the kitchen," she said when they arrived home. The living-room is chock-a-block with all the stuff for the sale." "Are you cooking?" asked Roy nervously.
"Yes, one of the members of the Carsely Ladies' Society, Mrs. Mason, has been giving me some lessons."
"What is this ladies' society?" Agatha told him and then gave him a description of her outing to Mircester and he laughed till he cried.
The dinner consisted of vegetable soup, followed by shepherd's pie and apple crumble. "Keep it simple," Mrs. Mason had said.
"This is remarkably good," said Roy. "You're even wearing a print dress, Aggie." "It's comfortable,"
said Agatha defensively. "Besides, I'm battling with a weight problem."
'"Wider still and wider, shall her bounds be set," quoted Roy with a grin.
"I never believed in the middle-aged spread before," said Agatha.
thought it was just an excuse for indulgence. But the very air seems to make me fat. I'm tired of bicycling and exercise routines. I feel like giving up and becoming really fat."
"You can't get thin eating like this," said Roy. "You're supposed to snack on lettuce leaves like a rabbit."
After dinner, Agatha showed him the pile of goods in the living-room.
"A delivery van is coming first thing in the morning," she said, ' then, after they've dropped the whole lot off at the school hall, they'll go to Cheltenham and pick up the new stuff. Perhaps when you learn about plants you can tell me what to do about the garden." "Not too late even now to put things in," said Roy, airing his new knowledge. "What you want is instant garden. Go to one of the nurseries and load up with flowers. A cottage garden. All sorts of old-fashioned things. Climbing roses. Go for it, Aggie."
"I might. That is, if I really decide to stay."
Roy looked at her sharply. "The murder, you mean. What's been happening?" "I don't want to talk about it," said Agatha hurriedly. "Best to forget about the whole thing."
In the morning, Agatha stood with her hands on her hips and surveyed the school hall with dismay. The contents of her living-room looked sparse now. Hardly an event. Mrs. Bloxby appeared and said in her gentle voice, "Now this looks really nice."
"The hell it does," said Agatha. "No suggestion of an occasion. Not enough stuff. What about if the ladies put some more stuff in, anything at all? Any old junk."
"I'll do what I can."
"And the band, the village band, should be playing. Give a festive air. What about some morris dancers?" "You should have thought of this before, Mrs. Raisin. How can we organize all that in such a short time?"
Agatha glanced at her watch. "Nine o'clock," she said. The auction's at three." She took out a notebook. "Where does the bandmaster live?
And the leader of the morris dancers?"
Bewildered, Mrs. Bloxby supplied names and addresses.
Agatha ran home and roused Roy, who had been sleeping peacefully.
"You've got to paint some signs quick," said Agatha. "Let me see, the signs for the May bay celebrations are stored at Harvey's, because I saw them in the back room of the shop. Get them and paint over them.
Put, "Bargains, Bargains Bargains. Great Auction. Three o'Clock.
Teas. Music. Dancing." Put the signs up on the A44 where the drivers can see them and have a big arrow pointing down to Carsely, and then you'll need more signs in the village itself pointing the way."
"I can't do that," protested Roy sleepily.
"Oh yes, you can," growled the old Agatha. "Hop to it."
She got out the car and drove to the bandmaster's and ruthlessly told him it was his duty to have the band playing. "I want last-night-of-the-prom stuff," said Agatha, '"Rule, Britannia", "Land of Hope and Glory", "Jerusalem", the lot. All the papers are coming.
You wouldn't want them to know that you wouldn't do anything for charity."
The leader of the morris dancers received similar treatment. Mrs. Doris Simpson was next on the list. To Agatha's relief, she had taken a day off work for the auction. "It's the hall," said Agatha feverishly. "It looks so drab. It needs flowers."
"I think I can get the ladies to do that," said Doris placidly. "Sit down, Agatha, and have a cup of tea. You'll give yourself a stroke going on like this."
But Agatha was off again. Round the village she went, haranguing and bullying, demanding any items for her auction until her car was piled up with, she privately thought, the most dismal load of tat she had ever seen.
Roy, sweating in the already hot sun, crouched up on the A44, stabbing signs into the turf. The paint was still wet and his draughtsmanship was not of the best, but he had bought two pots of paint from Harvey's, one red and one white, and he knew the signs were legible. He trudged back down to the village, thinking it was just like Agatha to expect him to walk, and started putting up signs around the village.
With a happy feeling of duty done, he returned to Agatha's cottage, meaning to creep back to bed for a few hours' sleep.
But Agatha fell on him. "Look!" she cried, holding up a jester's outfit, cap and bells and all. "Isn't this divine? Miss. Simms, the secretary, wore it in the pantomime last Christmas, and she's as slim as you. Should be a perfect fit. Put it on."
Roy backed off. "What for?"
"You put it on, you stand up on the A44 beside the signs and you wave people down to the village. You could do a little dance."
"No, absolutely not," said Roy mulishly.
Agatha eyed him speculatively. "If you do it, I'll give you an idea for those nurseries which will put you on the PR map for life."
"What is it?"
"I'll tell you after the auction."
"Aggie, I can't. I'd feel ever such a fool."
"You're meant to look like a fool, man. For heaven's sake, you parade through London in some of the ghastliest outfits I've ever seen. Do you remember when you had pink hair? I asked you why and you said you liked people staring at you. Well, they'll all be staring at you. I'll get your photo in the papers and make them describe you as a famous public relations executive from London. Look, Roy, I'm not asking you to do it. I'm telling you!"
"Oh, all right," mumbled Roy, thinking that at times like this Agatha Raisin reminded him forcefully of his own bullying mother.
"I'll tell you one thing," he said, making a bid for some sort of independence, "I'm not walking all that way back in all this heat. I'll need your car."
"I might need it. Take my bike."
"Cycle all the way up that hill? You must be mad."
"Do it!" snapped Agatha. "I'll get you the bike while you put on your costume."
Well, it wasn't too bad. It wasn't too bad at all, thought Roy later as he capered beside the road and waved his jester's sceptre in the direction of Carsely. Motorists were honking and cheering, a busload of American tourists had stopped to ask him about it, and hearing the auction was ' of rare antiques', they urged their tour guide to take them to it.
At ten minutes to three, he got on Agatha's bike and free-wheeled down the long winding road to the village. He had meant to remove his outfit, but everyone was looking at him and he liked that, so he kept it on. Outside, the morris dancers were leaping high in the sunny air.
Inside, the village band was giving "Rule, Britannia' their best effort, and lo and behold, a sturdy woman dressed as Britannia was belting out the lyric. The school hall was jammed with people.
Then the band fell silent and Agatha, in a Royal Garden Party sort of hat, white straw embellished with blue asters, and wearing a black dress with a smart blue collar, stood at the microphone.
Agatha planned to start with the least important items and work up.
She sensed that the crowd had a slightly inebriated air, no doubt thanks to old Mrs. Rainworm from Mircester, who had set up a stand outside the auction and was selling her apple brandy at fifty pence a glass.
Mrs. Mason handed Agatha the first lot. Agatha looked down at it. It was a box of second-hand books, mostly paperback romances. There was one old hardback book on top.
Agatha picked it up and looked at it. It was Ways of the Horse, by John Fitzgerald, Esquire, and all the S's looked like F's, so Agatha knew it was probably eighteenth-century but still worthless. She opened it up and looked at the title page and affected startled surprise. Then she put the book back hurriedly and said, "Nothing here. Perhaps we should start with something more interesting."
She looked across the hall at Roy, who instinctively picked up his cue.
"No, you don't," he shouted. "Start with that one. I'll bid ten pounds."
There was a murmur of surprise. Mrs. Simpson, who, along with others, had been asked to do her best to
force up the bidding, cheerfully called, "Fifteen pounds." A small man who looked like a dealer looked up sharply. "Who'll offer me twenty?" said Agatha. "All in a good cause. Going, going ... " Mrs. Simpson groaned audibly. The little man flapped his newspaper. "Twenty," said Agatha gleefully. "Who'll give me twenty-five?"
The Carsely ladies sat silent, clutching their handbags Another man raised his hand. Twenty-five it is," said Agatha. The box of worthless books was finally knocked down for fifty pounds. Agatha was unrepentant. All in a good cause, she told herself firmly.
The bidding went on. The tourists joined in. More people began to force their way in. Villagers began to bid. It was such a big event that they all wanted now to say they had contributed. The sun beat down through the windows of the school hall. Occasionally from outside came the sound of fiddle and accordion as the morris dancers danced on, accompanied by the occasional raucous cry of old Mrs. Rainworm, "Apple brandy. Real old Cotswold recipe."
Midlands Television turned up and Agatha spurred herself to greater efforts. The bidding was running wild. One by one, all the junk began to disappear. Her sofa and chairs went to a Gloucestershire dealer, even the fake horse brasses were snapped up and the Americans bid hotly for the farm machinery, recognizing genuine antiques in their usual irritatingly sharp way.
When the auction was over, Agatha Raisin had made 25,000 for Save the Children. But she knew that she now had to soothe the savage breasts of those who felt they had been cheated.
"I must thank you all," she said with a well-manufactured break in her voice. "Some of you may feel you have paid more than you should. But remember, you are helping charity. We of Carsely thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Now, if you will all join me in singing "Jerusalem"."
The famous hymn was followed by Mrs. Mason leading the audience in "Land of Hope and Glory'. The vicar then said a prayer, and everyone beamed happily in a euphoric state.
Agatha was surrounded by reporters. No nationals, she noticed, but what did it matter? She said to them, facing the Midlands Television camera, "I cannot take the credit for all this. The success of this venture is thanks to the freely given services of a London public relations executive, Roy Silver. Roy, take a bow."
