“Why do you think you haven’t cried for Jack?”
“I suppose because I never really loved him.”
“Then why did you date him for almost a year, marry him and have a child with him?”
“When I came back from Germany, I was so lost and devastated. I really thought that Stefan would wait for me.”
“Even after you told him to forget about you?”
“Yes,” Melissa said evenly. “So when I quit school and started working, I met Jack and he showed a real interest in me. I felt like he was my last chance to be with someone, so we started dating. At first, I didn’t mind that he drank. But after a while it started to bother me. By that time it was too late. I found out that I was pregnant. Jack was so happy, and I thought that a baby would get him to stop drinking.”
“Did it?”
“No. Things got worse between us when my parents bought the furniture for the baby’s room. Jack really resented my parents having money. But he was very happy when the baby was born.”
“Tell me about that.”
“Jack was right there with me when she was born. He was so proud of her. And so was I. Most babies come out all wrinkled and red. But Stefanie was born by cesarean section, so she was perfect in every way.”
“Stefanie?” Dr. Foster questioned. “You named your daughter Stefanie?”
“Yes. Jack told me that I could name our daughter, so I named her Stefanie. Jack had no idea about Stefan, so I thought it wouldn’t hurt anyone.”
“What did your parents say when you named your daughter after your former love?”
“My parents didn’t know that his name was Stefan. We never got that far in any conversations. They always referred to him as ‘that boy’. Valerie is the only one who knew that I named Stefanie for Stefan.”
“And what did she say?”
“She said that she completely understood.” Melissa smiled at the memory of all the support her best friend gave her over the years.
“What about your cousin and her boyfriend? I thought they were friends with Stefan? What did they say about you naming your daughter after him?”
“When Stefan married Elke, they moved to the town where she grew up which is about forty miles from Knauppshausen, so Brigitte and Rolf really don’t see him that much anymore. However, Brigitte and Rolf did think that I was making a mistake in naming Jack’s daughter after Stefan, but by then it was too late.”
“I see. How was life at home after Stefanie was born?”
“It was fine at first. Jack adored Stefanie, and he was nice to me, too. But then he was laid off from work and he began drinking heavily again. I was at my mother’s one day with Stefanie and when I came home, Jack was drunk. He was rummaging through a box in the back of our closet when he came across Stefan’s letters and my journal from Germany. I found him sitting on the floor of our bedroom as he was tearing up each page of my journal. I quickly put
Stefanie in her crib and closed her bedroom door. When I walked back into my bedroom, Jack was standing and he threw me against the wall calling me terrible names. He told me that I was an adulterous bitch for naming his daughter after some man that I had been with. I tried to talk to Jack, but he was too furious to listen to me. He finally stormed out as he mumbled that he
would never forgive me for betraying him.” Melissa hung her head in shame. “That’s the last time I saw him.”
“What happened?”
Melissa lifted her head and looked Dr. Foster in the eye. “After he left, I went to clean up the mess in my bedroom and was happy to see that he didn’t tear up one picture of me and Stefan and the letters that Stefan sent to me. I waited up for him, but I fell asleep on the couch. Around 3:30 the next morning there was a knock on my door. There were two police officers, and they told me that Jack was dead. He was drinking and driving and hit a tree and was killed instantly. I was numb. I knew that Jack’s death was my fault. I couldn’t function anymore. That’s when my parents took over. Stefanie and I moved in with them and I sold the condo. And now here I am.”
“Tell me how you feel about everything that you’ve told me about your life with Jack.”
“I don’t know how I feel.”
“I think you do, Melissa. Just put it into words.”
Melissa sat for a moment and looked out the window. She thought about Jack and his death and how it made her feel. “I feel guilty.”
“Why do you feel guilty?” Dr. Foster asked.
She turned back to Dr. Foster. “Because Jack would not have gone out that night if he didn’t come across my journal, the pictures, and the letters from Stefan. He was right. I did betray him when I named our daughter after Stefan.”
Dr. Foster reflected on that for a moment. “Was that the first time Jack
went out drinking?”
Melissa shook her head. “No.”
“And how did he get home when he went out drinking?”
“He always drove home.”
“I see. So it was more than likely that he would become a drunk driving statistic sooner or later. Melissa, you have no reason to feel guilty about Jack’s death.”
“Deep down I know that’s true, but I don’t know how to get rid of the guilt that I’m feeling.”
“Okay. Your assignment for today is to go home and sit down and write a letter to Jack. Put all of your feelings into the letter. Tell him how you really felt about him during every aspect of your marriage. Tell him how you felt every time he hit you or said something cruel to you. Tell him how you feel now and how you want to feel in the future. Then when you are finished, put
the letter away. You can put it in a safe deposit box, in a desk drawer, or even burn it. But from that moment on, do not read the letter. By putting the letter away, you are also putting your past away in a place where it belongs, in the past.”
“Okay,” Melissa said as she stood up.
“I’ll see you on Tuesday, same time. Okay.”
“That’s fine,” Melissa said as she turned to leave the office. But she was already thinking about the letter she would write to Jack.
Chapter 11
Later that night, Melissa gave Stefanie her bath and put her to bed. She walked into her own bedroom and gently closed the door. She knew that it was time to do her homework. She couldn’t put it off anymore.
Melissa sat at her desk with paper and pen poised. Thoughts of her life with Jack tumbled in her mind. She remembered the day she first met Jack and how charming he was. She remembered their first date and their first kiss. She remembered the first time he hit her. She remembered each time he left bruises and cuts on her body. She remembered the first time he told her that she was lucky to have him because no man would ever think she was attractive or special. She remembered how she believed every word he ever said to her. She remembered how ashamed she felt because she knew for sure that she deserved every smack and hit Jack gave her. She remembered feeling that all of Jack’s rages were her fault. She shook her head to clear it and began writing.
Dear Jack:
When we met, I was still in love with Stefan. He was the first and only
man that I have ever loved. I know that being with you was not fair to
you. You never really stood a chance. In the beginning we did have
some fun. But then your drinking got worse and the abuse started. At
times I was terrified of you. I couldn’t understand why you took your
frustrations of unemployment out on me. I used to dread coming home
and seeing that you already drank more than a six-pack. I knew that
was not a good sign. When you hit me, I hated you. When you yelled
at me, I loathed you. When you forced me to have sex with you when
I said no, I feared you and wanted you to leave and never return.
But I didn’t want you to die. I can’t apologize enough for naming your
child after my one true love. I did it so that I could feel as if I had a part<
br />
of him with me forever. But that doesn’t make it right.
Now you’re gone and I am here to raise Stefanie alone. I’ll make sure
that she knows all of the good things about her father and how much
you loved her. But I need to move on. I have to let you go and let Stefan
go. I have to make a life for myself and for Stefanie. I hope that you
can forgive me. But I also hope that I can forgive myself.
Good-bye,
Melissa.
Melissa put her pen on the desk and looked down at the letter. She picked it up, folded the letter and put it in the bottom drawer of her desk. She sat for a moment, stared into space then stood up. She couldn’t help but feel a small amount of relief wash over her. Maybe Dr. Foster was right, she thought.
Maybe Jack’s death wasn’t my fault. And maybe now I can leave Jack and Stefan in the past and move on with my life.
Chapter 12
The next week, Melissa was once again sitting in Dr. Foster’s office.
“Did you complete your assignment from last week?” the doctor asked Melissa.
“Yes, I did,” she replied as she sat in the now familiar seat in front of Dr. Foster’s desk.
“How did you feel after you finished the letter to Jack?”
“I felt some sense of relief. But I also felt sad.”
“Why did you feel sad?”
“It made me realize that Jack never stood a chance with me. I mean, I was still so in love with Stefan that I could never have any love for Jack or any other man.”
Dr. Foster nodded. “I’m glad that you recognized that fact. Do you still feel guilty about Jack’s death?”
“Not really. I’ve thought about our session from last week, and I realize that you were right. Jack would drink and drive all the time. It was simply a matter of time before he would have been killed or he would have killed someone else.”
“Good. I’m glad that you came to that conclusion. I wish that everyone would be more aware of the hazards of drinking and driving.”
Melissa nodded. “Yes. I didn’t recognize those dangers until I wrote the letter to Jack. It’s a miracle that he never hurt or killed anyone.”
“Yes, it is. Now let’s get back to Stefan. How do you feel about him?”
“I was completely and utterly in love with him. And I still am.” Melissa paused as Stefan’s face flashed in her mind. “Even after all these years, after being married to another man and having his child, I am still in love with Stefan. And I probably always will be.”
“Do you think about Stefan often?”
“Every minute of every day,” she answered honestly. “And I still miss him so much.”
“What do you miss about him?”
She smiled softly as thoughts of Stefan tumbled into her mind. “I miss everything about him. I miss the talks that we used to have. I miss his friendship, his smile, and his kindness. But most of all, I miss his love.”
“Tell me how you felt when you broke off your relationship with Stefan,” Dr. Foster urged.
“I felt sad and lonely. But most of all, I felt the way that I still feel today. Empty.”
“The emptiness you feel inside is the greater capacity that you have to love someone else.”
“But I don’t want to love someone again,” Melissa stated.
Dr. Foster raised her elegantly arched eyebrows. “Why not?”
Melissa sighed and shook her head. She declared, “Love hurts too much.”
“Melissa, the power to take control is within you.”
With a genuine smile on her face, Melissa said, “Now you really sound like a shrink, Dr. Foster.”
“I think that is the first time I have seen you really smile. You should do it more often. It really lights up your face,” the doctor remarked.
The smile faded from Melissa’s face as her eyes grew dark. “Stefan used to tell me the same thing.”
“You know, Melissa, people are going to do things and say things that will remind you of Stefan. You need to learn how to deal with that.”
“I know,” she said with a heavy sigh. She stood and walked over to the window. “It’s just that I miss him so much.” She turned back to Dr. Foster and crossed her arms over her chest. “And I miss being in Germany.” She smiled at the memories. “That was the best time of my life. I was somebody there. I was Melissa. I wasn’t Sarah’s sister or Peter and Greta’s daughter. I was Melissa.”
“And you are still Melissa.”
“I sometimes feel like I’ve forgotten who Melissa really is.”
“Then you need to do some work to find her again,” Dr. Foster said.
Melissa slowly nodded her head. “Okay.” She walked back over to the chair and sat down.
Dr. Foster watched her patient. She was pleased with the progress that Melissa was already making in her therapy. “Melissa,” she began, “I’m going to tell you something that you probably will not like. But I feel that you need to hear it anyway.”
Melissa bit her lower lip. “Okay, doctor.”
“First loves are blind, passionate, and unrealistic. Stefan was your first love and now he is married to someone else. You’re young. Trust me, you will love again. You have your whole life ahead of you.”
Melissa smiled wistfully. “You sound like my mother, not my doctor.”
“I suppose I do. I apologize.”
“It’s okay. I guess you’re right. It’s just that I’m afraid.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“I’m afraid of falling in love again and losing myself.”
“You need to learn to keep perspective in relationships so that you don’t become co-dependent.”
“I guess I have a lot of work to do, huh?”
“Yes. But you don’t have to do it alone. I’ll help you every step of the way. And I’m sure that your parents and sister will help, too. In fact, I think some family sessions would be good. But that’s further down the road.”
“Thank you, but I don’t think my parents and sister will agree to family sessions, especially my father. He thinks that I’m just wasting my time and his money by coming here. He only agreed to the therapy because my mother and sister practically insisted on it.”
Dr. Foster nodded her head and frowned. “Well, let’s not worry about that now. We can deal with the family sessions when the time comes.”
“Okay,” Melissa said. She looked at her psychiatrist and couldn’t help but smile.
“What are you smiling about?”
Melissa shrugged her shoulders. “I just want you to know that I’m beginning to feel better about some things. At least, a little bit better. I’m starting to feel as if I’m beginning to find Melissa again.”
“That’s a good thing,” Dr. Foster said.
Melissa nodded. “Yes, I agree. But at the same time, I’m feeling a little apprehensive.”
“Why is that?”
“What if I don’t like the old Melissa?”
“I don’t really think that you can ever be the old Melissa again. You have been through so much in the past six years. I think that once you work through some of the issues, you will find a new Melissa. And when that is accomplished, you will want to move forward with your life.”
Melissa smiled again and nodded her head. “Yes. I am actually looking forward to taking positive steps to move ahead.”
Part Two
Chapter 13
Chicago, June 1994
“Hi, Dr. Foster,” Melissa said as she strolled into the doctor’s office.
“Hello. And how many times have I told you to call me Irene? You haven’t been my patient for well over a year, Melissa. Besides, we are now colleagues,” Dr. Foster said as Melissa took the familiar seat in front of her desk.
“Okay, okay, Irene. And what is this about being colleagues?”
“Well, you’re graduating next week with your masters in psychiatric social work, and you’ve been working with me
at the shelter for abused women for almost a year now.”
“I know. I can’t believe I’m finally graduating.” Melissa smiled at the woman who helped her find her way through the darkness.
“You have worked extremely hard these last three years. You should be very proud of yourself.”
“I am. But I still feel that there is more work to do.”
“That is why I asked you to come here today.”
“What’s going on?”
“Well, how do you like working at the shelter?” Irene asked.
“Oh, I like it very much. I mean, I haven’t been able to really have too much one-on-one contact with the women, although I have sat in on some of your group sessions when you volunteer there.”
“Yes, you have. And I believe that you are now ready to take a more active role in the shelter. That is, if you’re interested.”
Melissa sat on the edge of the chair as Irene had her full attention. “Of course I am. I love working at the shelter. What did you have in mind?”
“Well, Cathy is leaving in two weeks. She and Brian are finally getting married, and they want to start a family immediately. So, she will not be returning.”
“Well, I’m sorry to hear that. Cathy is a good social worker.”
“Yes, she is. But so are you. I’ve talked to Leslie, the shelters director, about you. She would like to offer you Cathy’s position. Are you interested?”
“Yes,” Melissa said enthusiastically. “I would love to work at the shelter. One of my goals is to be able to help women who have been in abusive relationships. God knows that I have plenty of experience in that.”
“Yes, you do. I was hoping that you would take the job offer. Leslie said that you can begin working next week on a full time basis.”
“I’ll be there.” Melissa grinned and sat back in the chair.
Irene leaned back in her chair and studied her friend. “Now, how do you think your parents will react?”
Melissa chuckled. “You know them. They weren’t too thrilled when I began going to the shelter to help out. They’re just afraid that I’ll be hurt.”
I Will Always Love You Page 5
