by T L Swan
He shakes his head as if making an internal decision to talk. “I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m…” He hesitates. “I don’t understand it myself. It’s hard to explain.”
I watch him for a moment. “Can I try and explain it for you and see if I’m close?”
His eyes roll and he holds out his hand, palm up, in defeat. “Be my guest.”
“You are in love with Adrian.” His eyes drop and he nods once. “And he’s everything you could want in a partner.”
He nods again.
“But, when you are with him, you feel as though Olivier is sitting in the corner watching the two of you together, listening to what you say to him, witnessing the love you make.”
He continues to look at the floor to evade my gaze.
“And, likewise with Olivier, at night when you are alone, your thoughts used to be of him before you would go to sleep. Now Adrian’s there, isn’t he? You feel that, at times, when you want to think about Olivier and the love you shared, you find yourself missing Adrian and you want him with you so you can hold him close.”
Joshua becomes uncomfortable and sits back, rubbing his hand through his hair.
“So, effectively, you are in love with two men and you feel like you are cheating on them both. Each moment with one makes you think of the other.”
His haunted eyes meet mine.
“When you’re with Adrian, you know Olivier is watching and when your mind is on Olivier… you’re missing Adrian.”
“I can’t take it anymore,” He whispers as he drops his head.
“So you are going to be alone?” I ask flatly.
“Adrian deserves better. How could I tell him I feel guilty for loving him? It’s not fair.”
“You deserve better, too, Nicholas. Why can’t you love them both?”
“Because what happens when I…” He stops, looking up at me.
“When you die?” I ask, surprised. He drops his head again. “You are worried that when you die you will have to make a choice between your two loves, is that it?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know what I think anymore.”
I haven’t got an answer for that. Nobody knows what happens when we die. I need to change my tactic. “Ok, let me ask you this. What if Olivier hand picked Adrian and sent him to you.” He doesn’t look at me. “What if all he wants is for you to be happy with someone who loves you just as much as he did.”
He stands and goes to look out the window.
“You have to forgive yourself, Nicholas, and be prepared to have two men with you at all times. You have to learn to deal with it because you and I both know neither of them is going anywhere.”
He stays silent, thinking.
“You are not forgetting Olivier by loving Adrian. You are not betraying Adrian by thinking of Olivier. The only person you are hurting is yourself.”
He turns and smiles despite his glazed eyes. “You should maybe think of a career in Psychology.”
I grin. “Nah, I got enough of my own shit going on.”
My eyes find Joshua who is smiling proudly.
Nicholas seemingly pulls himself together. “Lets talk about you two.”
I smile at Joshua and take his hand. Weirdly, talking about someone else’s problem has made me feel better.
“How are things physically between you?”
Joshua raises his eyebrows in horror and glances at me.
“I’m here as a doctor, not a weird friend.” He smirks.
“Excellent.” I smirk.
Joshua raises a single eyebrow in jest. “Excellent?” He mouths proud of himself.
“That’s great.” Nicholas smiles.
“Sexual malfunction is common in PSTD.”
Joshua frowns. “PSTD?” he asks.
“Post traumatic stress disorder.”
“Nope, we don’t have that,” Joshua tells him, relieved. “We definitely don’t have that.”
My stomach sinks a little, I might have.
“And the communication between you two?” Nicholas asks.
“It’s fine,” Joshua replies a little too quickly.
Nicholas’ eyes hold Joshua’s. “So, you have discussed with her the information that was presented in court, along with your desire to end your life in prison?”
Joshua’s head drops and my eyes close in pain.
“And Natasha, have you told Joshua anything about what happened to you in that room?”
I don’t answer, simply staring straight ahead.
“How you escaped?”
I drop my head and my anxiety starts to rise.
“What you had to do to survive?”
I shake my head softly.
“Natasha, you know more than anyone that you need to talk and you need to vent, write down all your feelings. Writing in a diary is your coping mechanism. Why haven’t you been doing that?”
I stare at him for an extended time. I want to answer, I really do, but the lump in my throat is blocking my voice.
“Why, Natasha?”
The tears form behind my eyes.
“I need you to vocalise it for me so I understand – so that Joshua understands.”
I drop my head again and Joshua wraps his arm around me. “Look, this is too much,” Joshua warns him. “I don’t want her getting upset.”
“And why is that Joshua? Why do you feel you have to walk on eggshells around Natasha?”
Joshua frowns. “Why do you fucking think?”
Nicholas turns to Joshua. “How has everything been with you?”
“Fine,” he replies defiantly.
“So, you are off your sleeping medication?”
Joshua doesn’t answer and my eyes rise to his in question. “What?”
Joshua rubs his hands through his hair in frustration. “I’m just having trouble sleeping, that’s all. It means nothing.”
“What do you think about when you’re awake at night?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing at all?”
“Nope.”
“I think I know what you think about. Natasha got taken on your watch.”
Joshua’s cold eyes stare at Nicholas.
“It was your fault she nearly died. It was your fault that Amelie did this. It was your fault Natasha had to go through this.”
Joshua stands swiftly.
“She was your fiancé. You should have protected her.”
“Shut up,” Joshua whispers coldly.
“This is all your fault. Isn’t that right, Joshua?”
“Yes!” he snaps. “Of course it’s my fucking fault.”
I shake my head as tears pool to blur my vision. “No, baby, this wasn’t your fault.”
“Yes, it was.” Joshua sucks in precious air into his lungs as he tries to calm himself down.
“We will come back to this in a moment.” Nicholas smiles sympathetically.
He turns his attention back to me. “I have an assignment for you, Natasha.”
I like assignments, I smile. “Ok.”
“I would like you to go back and fill in your diary for me. Tell me about what happened when you were taken, day by day.”
My face falls and I shake my head.
“Why not?”
I stay silent.
“I…” I hesitate. “I don’t.” I stop as the tears start to run down my face and the lump in my throat hurts me.
“Why, Natasha. I would like you to give me a reason.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I’m scared,” I whisper.
“You don’t want to go back there.”
I shake my head quickly.
“It was terrible, wasn’t it?”
I nod sharply.
“Its better not to think about it, isn’t it?”
I nod again.
“You know how we talked about me needing to learn to live with being in love with two men?” Joshua and I both nod. “I need you two to learn to live with
something, too. You need to acknowledge what has happened to the both of you. You need to acknowledge that you have both survived a life-changing event. You’re different people now.”
Joshua drops his head sadly.
“And that’s ok! It’s ok to be slightly damaged version of yourselves.”
My eyes meet Joshua’s and I grab his hand.
“It’s ok to be imperfect. It’s ok to have down days and bad memories.”
I stare at him through my tears.
“What’s not ok, is pretending that it didn’t happen.”
I nod and Joshua drops his head.
“You two have a bond. You’ve both been through so much, yet you survived.”
Joshua smiles and puts his arm around me, softly kissing my forehead as I wipe my tears away.
“Rely on each other. Talk to each other. Support each other.”
Joshua nods. “We will.”
I smile but the tears won’t stop. I lean forward and pull a tissue from the box, blowing my nose loudly.
Nicholas smiles. “You two are going to be fine. You just have to be kind to one another and let yourselves have a moment of weakness every day. If you keep acting tough all the time, you’re going to crash and burn.”
I nod, smile and hold out my hand, grateful when Nicholas takes it in his.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“You are going to be ok,” he repeats.
“I know.”
Nicholas stands and pulls me into an embrace and we stay there for a moment.
“Come back for my friend,” I whisper.
Chapter 6
Lounging on the day bed by our pool, Adrian lies across me with his head high on my stomach. Bridget and Abbie are sprawled down the other end as we all stare at the sky. The mood is sombre with two of my friends down and out.
“What did he say at the airport?” Bridget frowns. Adrian took Nicholas to the airport last night, and we are catching up on the goodbye activities.
“That he loved me. That he would stay if he could.” He sighs sadly.
“What a load of shit,” Abbie snaps.
“I know, right?”
“Why is he fucking leaving then?” Abbie snorts.
“Just wait to see if you hear from him,” Bridget replies softly as she puts her hand reassuringly on Adrian’s foot to reassure him.
“He rang me when he landed, then again this morning.”
“What did he say?” I ask.
“I didn’t answer.”
“Oh, man,” I reply sadly.
“I’m looking forward to getting home this week, actually,” Adrian murmurs.
I feel my stomach flip. I wish I was as excited. I’m dreading it.
“Guys, about that…” Abbie sits up onto her elbows to look at our faces.
“I think I’m going home to Australia.”
“Why, Abbs?” I frown, where is this coming from?
She shrugs. “I’m homesick. I miss my…” she hesitates.
“What?” Bridget pushes.
“My Tristan.”
I roll my eyes. Army guy. God, get off it. She hooked up with Brock two days ago.
“You don’t seem to be missing him,” I reply deadpan.
Adrian smiles and holds his hand back over his head for me to high five and I slap my hand against his.
“What are you referring to?” she asks, annoyed.
“Um, Brock. What else would I be referring to? He is our brother, in case it slipped your mind,” I answer coldly.
She puts her hands over her face in shame. “I thought you didn’t know.”
“We don’t want to know,” Bridget snaps. “How could you?”
“H-how could I not?” she stammers. “It just happened.”
“Is he why you are leaving?” Adrian asks.
She blows out a defeated breath. “I just want to go home and–”
Adrian cuts her off. “What about your finger prints?”
“As if I am going to get fingerprinted.”
“You might,” I warn her.
“Ben said the case has gone cold. Please remember this was a prostitute who was bribing copious amounts of men. They don’t finger print you for traffic offenses and I’m sure as shit not going to get arrested.”
We all stay silent for a moment.
“I have already asked Victoria, and we are going to take a commercial flight together on Friday.”
I frown. “You’re serious. You’re actually going?”
“What have I just been saying? Do you fucking listen to me at all?”
“Not if we can help it,” Adrian mutters.
I smile, my hand falls to the top of his head and I run it mindlessly through his hair.
“Didge, you can stay with me,” states Adrian.
Bridget eyes the two of us. “I don’t want to impose.”
“You are not an imposition. I would love to have a housemate for a while.”
“Really?” She smiles as she rubs her hand on his foot. “I want to go home, too, if I’m honest, but I want to wait until Tash is feeling better.”
My stomach sinks. I want to tell her that I’m fine, but I’m trying to take Nicholas advice to stop pretending. And besides, the longer I drag out Didge staying with me, the more chance she has to patch things up with Ben.
Joshua comes out the back glass doors. “Murph, the scanner is broken,” he calls.
We all look over to him standing with both hands on his hips. “Yeah, so?” Adrian answers.
Joshua frowns. “So… do you know how to fix it?”
“How would I fucking know how to fix it?” Adrian sighs. “You’re the computer geek.”
Joshua blows out a frustrated breath and I smile to myself. Adrian is clearly not in the mood for taking shit today.
“Ben has one in his office,” Adrian calls.
Joshua turns and goes back inside, returning moments later with the papers he has to scan. “Don’t mind me,” he says sarcastically. “You keep lying there with your head on my wife’s tits.”
“Ok,” replies Adrian.
I give Joshua a cute little wave and a smile, but he shakes his head, unimpressed, and keeps walking.
“What happened with Nicholas the other night?” Abbie suddenly asks.
Adrian shrugs.
Abbie sits up to look him in the eyes. “You blew his mind, didn’t you? Please, tell me you blew that stupid prick’s mind.”
Adrian smiles broadly. “I gave him a night that he won’t forget in a hurry, put it that way.”
I smile and pat him on the forehead. “Good boy,” I whisper. We all fall silent again as we think.
“I think he will come back for you, Adrian,” I offer quietly.
Adrian sits up. “Yeah, well, I’m not going to be here. This was his last chance.”
My stomach drops. Oh no.
“Didge and I are going on a man hunt when we get back. We are sick to fucking death of being fucked over.”
“Amen,” Bridget cries.
“Maybe I should stay then.” Abbie scoffs. “Sounds like the fun might just be about to begin.”
Joshua
I sit in the darkened room as I watch her, the weight sits heavily on my shoulders and my mind refuses to stop. She still has the marks from past bruises on her and I can’t let it go. I need to know how she got them.
Natasha wakes with a start. “Joshua,” she croaks out, realising I’m not in bed with her.
“I’m here, Presh,” I answer softly from my chair in the darkened corner.
Her face falls. “Are you ok?”
I nod sadly.
She watches me for a moment. “Did you take your sleeping tablets?”
“Yes.”
She looks to the clock on the side table. It’s 2:30 a.m. “You only get four hours from them?”
“Yes.”
She sits up. “Joshua, come back to bed, baby.”
I stand and sit next to her and she cups my cheek in her ha
nd.
“You look so sad, so lost. What are you thinking about, my love?” she asks.
I stare at her for a moment. “Did he use his hand to hit you?” I whisper.
She swallows and nods once.
Pain lances through my chest. I can’t bear that she went through this because of me.
“How often, how often did he…” I stop, unable to go on.
“How often did he hit me?” she finishes for me.
“Yes.”
“When I didn’t do what he wanted me to do.”
What he wanted her to do? It never even occurred to me before. Oh my God. I feel like I can’t breathe and bile rises from my stomach.
“Did he…?” I hesitate again. I can’t even say it out loud.
“Rape me?” she whispers.
I drop my head and screw up my pained face as tears fill my eyes.
“No.” She sits up and cups my cheek once more.
“He would have as soon as he got the go ahead. Amelie protected me to an extent.”
“Don’t say that. It was me that should have protected you,” I whisper. “This was all my fault, Natasha. I should have protected you. I should have picked up that Amelie was unstable.”
She leans in and kisses me gently, trying to calm me. “I’m ok, Joshua. I survived. I wasn’t raped. How could you have possibly known?”
“How hard did he hit you?”
She hesitates and frowns as her eyes mist over. “He only hit me really hard twice with his fists. He knocked me out once. Mostly he would slap me until I fell and then kick me when I was on the ground.”
I scrunch my eyes closed. I can’t bear this. “You should have killed him,” I whisper.
Her eyes hold mine for a moment. “The scary thing is, Josh, I wished I killed him, too.”
I watch her struggle with her internal thoughts.
“What are you thinking?” I ask.
Her dark eyes meet mine. “I can still feel the way the glass felt as it sliced though his neck. I can still hear him screaming out in pain.”
I swallow. “What memory is stronger? Him hitting you or you attacking him?”
“Me attacking him is much stronger.”
“Good,” I whisper. “I don’t want you to remember the other stuff. You need to try and forget it, baby.”
“Can you tell me? Can you tell me about the night I went missing?”
“Why would you want to hear that shit?” I murmur.
She frowns. “I…” Then she hesitates. “I’m trying to fit the puzzle pieces together. I think it will help me.”
