I only watched him go, the truth searing me, then saturating me in boiling oil. Payroll, I thought numbly. Was I still on one? Because I sure felt like a disposable employee.
But, no. That had to be wrong. So then why did my gut instinct tell me otherwise?
The oil seeped beneath my skin, scalding me. Noah—driving off without me. Noah—saying he’d be back.
This whole time, had I just been serving a purpose, no matter what I’d seen in Noah’s eyes whenever he’d looked at me or what I’d heard in all his pretty words?
The past always manifests itself, he’d said. His had just appeared like a monster in full form, looming above us and breathing fire, and he’d gone off to slay it. Had my past caught up just as surely? Before Noah had come into my life, I was the girl who always seemed to be loved and left, and now here I was again, in a big empty field, all alone.
I’d stopped myself from crying about Noah before. Sadness was useless; I’d learned that well. But now I was going to break. I could feel the hurt welling in my throat with a burn.
I heard Simmons’s shoes on the gravel. He stopped behind me so I couldn’t see him. “He won’t be back, Jadyn, not really. You know that, don’t you?”
At the confirmation of my worst fears, a sob twisted inside me, and I barely throttled it.
Simmons went on. “Noah’s a good guy, but he’s all business. That’s what he was born to be, Jadyn, and it’s no reflection on you.”
I started to shake my head, but the gesture was weak. I could hardly move.
That didn’t stop Simmons. “Just so you know, when Noah got that text from you on that first day, he was in an awful place. You’ve seen what kind of place I mean.”
I managed to nod once, but the motion threatened to break me all the way.
It felt as if Simmons was about to touch my shoulder, but then backed off. “I’m telling you, Jadyn, don’t feel bad about this. I even thought you’d be the one who would bring Noah out of his self-imposed box of hatred and business and . . . everything else he’s had to control.”
He didn’t have to say what he really meant. Simmons had obviously wondered if Noah had the depression gene, too. I pulled myself together and croaked out, “Are you saying I was special?”
The word had a bite to it.
“I still think you are.” Simmons did touch me this time, on the shoulder, big brother, bringer of bad news. “I can tell you that he’s never felt about anyone the way he feels about you. You light him up, but it’s not enough. Nothing will ever be enough, and I’d be a piece of shit if I didn’t make that clear to you. I can’t stand by and watch this happen.” He sighed roughly. “He won’t be back.”
Love might not always be enough, I’d once told Carley. But screw me and all my so-called wisdom. Screw love or whatever I thought I’d been falling into. If I’d kept myself under control as my safe side had been begging me to, this wouldn’t hurt so much. How stupid.
I quietly lashed out at Simmons, shrugging off his hand. “You really did turn out to be his pimp. You made it easy for him to be around me—you even brought me to him on that day he was in the gym, trying to chase off his mood.”
“Noah’s my best friend, and you were what was good for him. Your text brought him out of a low funk that day in Miami, and I couldn’t believe my eyes. He suddenly had purpose with you, a reason not to brood around hotel suites or stare out windows. I banked on the fact that you’d be able to distract him again and again, and you did it . . . for a while.”
“I was an emotional sacrificial lamb.”
“It wasn’t ever supposed to last this long. Please understand that. All his women have been very temporary, and I expected you to be gone within days.”
“Even if I was special?”
“Even then.” His words had taken on a burden, as if he’d been carrying them around too long. “A few days ago, before Noah came back to this town, he was a mess, and I couldn’t watch. So I suggested he follow you to the place where I’ve never seen him happier—to you. I didn’t know what else to do.”
“How about seek professional help for him?”
“I’ve done that.”
Now I did turn around. My damned voice shook. Don’t cry, I thought. Never become that disaster you were after Rex and Micah.
Instead, I became a rock who wouldn’t break.
“You obviously didn’t try very hard to get a mental health professional to come to him,” I said. “With all his mood swings, I even wonder if he’s bipolar.”
“I’ve wondered that, too. But do you really think I’d let this go on without doing anything? I was desperate to help him before it gets to the point where he needs big help.”
Sadness filled his gaze, and I did believe him. Dammit, I did.
His voice quieted. “Noah won’t accept any weakness in himself. That’s why he’s fit to rule The Reeves Group. But that’s also why he’s going to be the loneliest man on earth, because he’s never going to see the light.”
The words had more than one meaning, and at the thought of Noah sitting in a dark, empty room, staring out the window, his hair getting grayer and grayer as the years passed him by, I hardened myself even more.
Simmons squeezed my shoulder, obviously seeing how I was warring with myself, and I didn’t push him off.
“It’s okay, Jade,” he said. “You’ll be okay.”
Would I? Because, if he meant that this time, after my heart had been chewed up and spit out, the humiliation wouldn’t be public like it was with Rex and Micah, then he was right. Noah had been my secret.
But . . . Noah. His tragedy was a million times worse than mine, and my sorrow for him overwhelmed me, wracking me until tears were so near that they made me close right up, silent, staring straight ahead.
I realized that Simmons was still there, his hand on my back, and he was reaching into his sports jacket pocket. With my gaze blurry, I saw the tip of a handkerchief right before I saw the rainbow hair of the key chain I’d bought for him, Noah, and myself in New York.
Rocks scratched down my throat again as Simmons brought out the silly troll, then gave me a pitying smile, as if he was thinking of better days, not long ago.
I still didn’t cry, and I supposed I should’ve felt victorious about that.
I only walked away.
***
I received Noah’s text as soon as the trail master had led me back to the stables.
555-8465:
Jade, sorry to have left you so soon. Things are fast-tracked, and as soon as I found cell reception and talked with Thomas, I had to hire the first plane out of Texas to get to the city. But I told you—I’ll come back. Just as soon as I take care of Diamont, things will be so much better. Everything will be perfect.
You’ll see.
Unable to withstand the onslaught of anguish, I shut off my phone, turning off all my hopes, as well.
20
A couple days plodded by and Noah still hadn’t come back.
There were texts and phone calls at first, but they were only quick updates of what was going on with Diamont and how much Noah missed me. I dutifully answered him every time, but there was no light in me, just a keen sense of agony that flared up every time I heard his voice or thought of what he was doing right that minute in New York.
Then the texts and calls stopped.
See, I told myself. It’d happened. He’d lost interest, just as Simmons said he would. Even Noah’s last message to me had been all about his mission.
555-8465:
Diamont down!
You’ll hear about it in the news. Chaotic times. Haven’t been able to talk, but will do when I’m able. Need to put everything back in place here and get The Group running the way it was meant to run.
All I could do was be happy for him. He’d done it, achieved all his goals, and all
that was left was the inevitable silence of my phone.
I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t follow up with a call soon after that text. And since I’d quickly re-learned that moping only made the pain slice even deeper into me, I turned to my friends. I couldn’t tell them about Noah, but when I Skyped with Evie, she could see I was bruised inside.
I should have known she’d do something about it.
A week and a half before Thanksgiving, on a cloudy Sunday afternoon when I’d told Evie I would be holing up to study, Carley knocked at my door with Bret and Diana in tow. They were holding cloth shopping bags full of what looked to be food, along with foil-covered plates.
Most important, they all had sheepish grins as Carley held up her phone, her screen showing me a FaceTime image of a wildly smiling Evie, a pencil holding up her topknot.
“Study break for you, Jade!” Evie said. “And happy early Thanksgiving, too.”
Carley handed me the phone. “Shelby and Micah are on their way over. They were grilling a turkey at his cousins’ place because his family has a fire pit in back.”
Everything was hitting me at once. Pre-Thanksgiving? People on my doorstep? Micah was coming over here?
I stood aside, letting everyone into my house as Evie lifted her eyebrows in expectation on the phone screen. “Will you be killing me for screwing up your study time? I’ll be back in town from UCSD for Christmas break. Can’t make it for Thanksgiving, so that’ll give you time to sharpen up your mad executioner skills.”
“I think you actually made my day, Evie.” I tried to smile. It felt strange on my face.
“Aw, I’d love to cyber-be there with y’all, but I’ve got to tune out and turn off soon. There’s a hairy psych project I need to get done.” She looked at me expectantly. “I had the feeling you might enjoy a picker-upper. None of us knows what’s going on with you, and I know you’re a girl who’s slow to let your feelings out, but you haven’t had any sparkle lately. We all wanted to see you sparkle again.”
Did I have the best friends or what?
As Carley, Bret, and Diana made themselves at home in the kitchen, unwrapping what they’d brought, I looked down at myself. I was wearing UGG boots, drab gray sweatpants, and an old dark sweater whose sleeves covered my hands. Comfort clothes.
But everyone had come here to give me comfort food.
Evie went on. “I hope you don’t feel un-special when I tell you that this get-together is gonna cover more than just you, hon. Carley’s moving in with Bret around Thanksgiving time, and her stepdad is wanking out about her getting serious with his ex–lawn boy. She told the step-dork off, so her holiday is shot, and we thought it might be fun to give her at least one positive turkey experience until she can get settled with Bret. Also, Shelby wants you and Micah to be on better terms—that’s why she’s bringing him to this shindig. And Diana? Based on what I remember from high school, she likes any party. My kinda girl right there.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell Evie that other people were looking out for me during the holidays, as well. Shelby’s mom had already invited me to their place for actual Thanksgiving, so I wouldn’t have to hang out alone. Also, my cousin Delroy had called me last week and asked if I could visit New York over Christmas break. The request had been a big surprise to me, and ironic, too, but not because Delroy had finally realized I existed and he wanted to belatedly thank me for all I’d done for Uncle Joseph. It was that Noah was in New York, and I’d be so close yet so far.
I almost had a mind to use that first-class plane ticket he’d given me to fly somewhere I hadn’t gone to before, like Europe. But fantasies about a long romantic trip were about as practical as the whole thing with Noah himself had been, because I had responsibilities here. Friends. A home.
As I warded off the grief that swarmed me whenever I thought about how Noah had said I felt like home to him, Evie leaned toward the computer, her elbows on the desk as she crossed her arms. I noticed that she was wearing one of Carley’s intricate bracelets. Looked like someone had requested a special delivery.
“You good?” she asked.
“Now I am.” I gestured toward her. “And you?”
“Always.” She smiled, her lip piercing gleaming.
At that moment, Micah’s hot rod pulled into my driveway. “Shelby’s here.”
The girl herself climbed out, waving, and I waved, too, turning back to Evie.
“Thank you again,” I said. “And thanks for being patient about what’s going on with me and not endlessly asking what my problem is.”
“You’ll talk when you’re ready. I know that from experience. You are so much like Shelby it’s ridiculous. Rex sure does have a type.”
I shrugged.
She was getting ready to shut down. “If you want to talk, I’m here, okay?”
Sure. How about in five years? I thought. Noah’s NDA wouldn’t be in effect then.
“Okay,” I said.
She blew me a kiss then signed off as Shelby and Micah came up the path. He was carrying a big roasting pan, which I assumed held the grilled turkey. I smelled it from here.
As they climbed my stairs, Shelby reached up and rested her hand on the back of Micah’s neck, where his low ponytail was gathered. He looked as rebellious as ever in a canvas jacket, blue jeans, and boots, his devilish eyebrows slashing over gray-green eyes. But his lips were quirked in a peace-bringing grin that told me Shelby had talked him into being here and he’d agreed just for her.
“Micah,” Shelby said, inclining her head toward me, “this is Jadyn. Jadyn, Micah.”
He chuffed good-naturedly, as if saying, You can reintroduce us all you want, but it’s still mildly excruciating to be here with one of the girls I ruthlessly seduced before you redeemed me, Sunshine.
Yet I got what Shelby was trying to do—give us a fresh start.
My heart sighed. We all needed one of those, didn’t we? I only wished Noah would admit he needed one, too.
“Good to meet you, Micah,” I said.
“Likewise.”
He was actually taking this seriously, so I did, too, and I breathed a sigh of relief. We all laughed off the awkwardness until I opened the door wider for them.
“Best get in here,” I said. “We’ve got cooks waiting for us in the kitchen.”
Inside, Bret had already found the remote for the TV, and he’d turned on a football game. After Micah sliced the turkey, Shelby shooed him toward the TV, too.
That left us girls to set the table, prepare the ready-made food, and pour drinks, including more wine from Shelby’s house. Funny how that worked—women in the kitchen, men with their football, although Carley kept drifting away to check out the game.
Diana, who was wearing a long flowered dress that reminded me of something a ’70s country singer would be sporting on an old record cover, had tied her blond wavy hair into a bun. She was tossing a salad. “Carley tells me there’ll be room for another waitress at the Angel’s Seat soon.”
My counselor had informed me just yesterday that they’d found an internship at the beginning of the year at the county hospital. At first, I’d wondered if this was Noah’s doing, but I wasn’t about to turn down the opportunity. I’d be a fool to. Besides, I couldn’t be angry with him for giving me yet another gift.
From now on, he wouldn’t be giving me anything.
I went quiet, and the others glanced at me, on alert at my sudden silence.
Shelby answered Diana. “Why’re you asking about the Angel’s Seat? You interested?”
“Maybe.”
Carley laughed from the kitchen entrance where she was watching the game. “Jade’s still going to take a shift here and there, Di, so you’d be part-time. I don’t know if waitressing is your thing, though. It seems so beneath you.”
Diana popped a crouton into her mouth and talked around it. “Th
e Angel’s Seat is the coolest place to be in town these days. Come on, now, it had a billionaire eating there. Maybe more will wander in and I’ll meet my future husband.”
Mentally, I flinched, but outwardly I kept my composure, even when Shelby and Carley snuck more looks at me. But they didn’t know everything about Noah, only that he’d treated me to an exquisite lunch on the lake and that he’d sent me fine presents.
I forced another robotic smile and picked up a pile of plates to take to the dining table in the other room. “You never know who’ll wander into the café,” I said to Diana, then left.
As I set the table, the girls brought out the food. Of course, that lured Bret and Micah over. Micah pulled out a seat for Shelby, bending down to kiss her forehead before he sat next to her. But Bret and Carley, still riding high after they’d made up over a week ago, embraced. He pulled back and traced her cheek, as if drawing a portrait of her in his mind.
I could still see Bret that day at my door, rushing inside my house so he could hold Carley again, and I had to admit that it’d become my newest fantasy, except instead of Bret, it was Noah coming for me.
You were right, he’d say, clasping me against him. I don’t want to go on like this, fighting off those demons and pretending it doesn’t affect me. I’ll come back to you and do anything I can to stop it, Jade . . .
Diana pulled me back to the moment as she plopped down in her seat at the head of the table and made a semi-disgusted sound at the lovebirds.
“At least the kissy-kissy is better than the fighty-fighty y’all were having,” she said lightly, laying her napkin on her lap.
Micah stifled a laugh, and Shelby nudged him. I sat down, used to Diana’s bluntness by now. Carley and Bret just grinned at each other before he spoke.
“We’re still working on answers.”
“Yeah,” Carley said, running her hand up his chest and patting him before he pulled out her chair. “Just because we’re feeling our way around right now doesn’t mean we won’t figure everything out as we go along.”
She didn’t have to say the rest. We love each other enough to do the work.
Sugarbaby Page 24
