“Without Mercy’s there would be no me, no Annie and Eli, no Sam, no Nancy. All those girls and women would be left out in the cold. Sarah would have died alone and cold rather than in a warm safe place. Finding money to keep Mercy’s running is more important than anything, but the fact that the first thing that came out of your mouth was making Selena happy, that kind of pisses me off. Lord knows she would make the perfect date though. She loves the crowd and works it like a pro. I have no doubt she would do the full glamour thing too, beautiful dresses, hair, makeup the works. Fuck,” Ella laughed but there was no humor in it, it was forced and a little bit manic, “just like my mother, that’s who she reminds me of you know, my exact opposite. No doubt Selena never flinched at your touch or went into a fucking panic attack. She is the better option Jax, she is perfect for you. I hope the evening is profitable for Mercy’s and knowing your past with Selena, I’m sure she’d be happy to scratch your back.” I turned and walked away, somehow managing to hold my head high and shoulders back proudly. I didn’t even notice Rebecca at my side till I reached the end of the mall and edged my way around the last of the crowd.
“My cars up here,” she nodded down a side street and I hesitated at the darkness. She stopped and held out her hand. “Come on tiger, I’ve got a black belt in karate, I’ll keep you safe.” I was furious that Jax hadn’t even followed me, hadn’t even attempted to reject what I had said. “You’re coming to my place for a sleep over. You can borrow some of my clothes.” I really just wanted to go back to the apartment and curl into a ball and cry. Who was I kidding, I knew I wouldn’t cry. It took kindness to bring on my tears, what kind of a sicko was I.
“Annie will worry,” I reasoned.
“I told her before I came after you that I would keep you at my place tonight and drop you home tomorrow. I thought you might prefer some space without the little critter under your feet.”
“Little critter?” I wondered out loud.
“Eli,” she winked playfully. “Cute critter that one, but perhaps not so much fun to have around when you feel like making a Jax voodoo doll.” I felt so dejected and humiliated by Jax’s words that I couldn’t even force a smile. He thought I wasn’t good enough for a ball. What pissed me off was that he was right.
“I’m homeless. Why would he want to take me to a ball, I don’t even own a dress.” I murmured still angry. My eyes were fixed on the road ahead, but I still noticed Rebecca turn to glance at me as we drove out of the city.
“You met Jax in the shelter?” She asked.
I nodded woodenly. “If it bothers you having me in Bouquets I’ll leave without a fuss.”
“Now why the hell would I want you to leave?” She snapped.
“Most people assume that a homeless employee would be more prone to theft.” It was the honest truth. It’s why I kept my home life, or lack thereof private.
“Well, that’s just stupid. I trust you Ella, Rita vouched for you, and Rita doesn’t vouch for criminals, she’s a good judge of character and I like to think I am too. Anyway, you live with Annie and Eli so you’re not homeless you douche.” Her flippant regard of my living arrangements made me laugh.
“I sleep on their couch. I have four pairs of jeans, one pair of cargo’s, five t-shirts, six thermals, one heavy winter jacket, and a pair of all-star sneakers.” Rebecca was quiet while she absorbed my far to short list of belongings.
“You don’t own any underwear?” She finally gasped in mock horror and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“I own underwear you dork, probably not as much as you and none of it has lace on it. I think I’m allergic to lace, and frills.”
Rebecca pulled into a small quaint looking cottage that looked perfectly adorable surrounded by a thin layer of snow. She only lived ten minutes from the city center, her home surrounded by other, much larger homes.
“Welcome to my matchbox. It pisses the neighbors off that this microscopic crib sits amongst their much more affluent and grand castles. It belonged to my grandma and she left it to me and my older sister who escaped Claymont years ago so it’s really just mine now and I’m not changing it for anyone. It’s awesome just the way it is.” I nodded as she led me up the porch.
As I wandered through the front door of Rebecca’s house, I was instantly hit by the same humid warmth as her shop. The house was definitely small, but it was incredibly homely and neat and tidy. The furniture was scant which allowed the allusion of space. In front of the fireplace was a gorgeous flouncy couch that was made for cuddling on. That’s where I wanted to be right now, alone with my misery.
“Well tiger, what we are going to do is pull out a bottle of vodka, kick back some shots then go through my enormous wardrobe that is full of clothes that haven’t seen the light of day in several years. We are going to fix you up with some dresses and skirts, because apparently you need those.” I stared at Rebecca’s serious expression and began laughing.
“I don’t think I would suit the sort of clothes you wear Rebecca.” I admitted. “No offence of course, you look smokin’ in those old style clothes, but it’s just not me.”
Rebecca shook her head. “Don’t freak out dummy. I didn’t always dress this way. In fact the clothes that are gathering moth balls are my pre pin up girl clothes, all pretty dull and boring.” She winked. “No offence of course, I know you’re not dull and boring at all.” I smiled at that, Rebecca had no idea how dull and boring I wanted my life to be.
“And if you try and give me anything that remotely looks like what you’re wearing right now I will leave, and FYI, I’m not sure about the Vodka. I’ve never drunk that before and I don’t drink very much anymore. It’s likely to turn me into a blithering mess.” Rebecca’s jaw dropped open.
“You’re shitting me, you’ve never tried vodka?” I shook my head as I wandered over to her Clitoria that sat proudly in the center of a small dining table.
“I’ve had every other alcoholic drink under the moon and sun, and a disturbingly large array of narcotics, which I haven’t touched in a very long time,” I glared at her pointedly, “but I’ve never had vodka.” Rebecca shook her head.
“Vodka virgin,” she sighed. “Well, we’re popping that cherry tonight, so stop touching my clitoria, sit your ass down and get cozy. I’ll get the shot glasses and bring my wardrobe out.” She stopped on the way to the kitchen. “Fuck that, we’ll drink in the bedroom, come on. And FYI, you would look amazing in a fancy gown and you are definitely good enough to take to a ball. Oh, and screw you this sweater is fabulous.”
Chapter 24
Jax
I couldn’t believe how badly I had fucked up with Ella. If I were able to separate myself from my body right now, I would literally turn and beat the shit out of whatever part remained. Charlie had forced me to stay in the city, he knew I needed to calm the fuck down and he was also well aware that Eli was wrapped timidly around Annie’s legs watching the awkward scene unfold in confused innocence. I forced myself to stay and let the little man see the lights lit on the Christmas tree and seeing the joyful glow in his eyes made staying with such an ache in my heart almost worth it. Eli fell asleep in the car as I drove him and Annie home. I helped her carry him up the two flights of stairs to their apartment and knew she would say something the moment I unloaded the sleeping babe into his bed.
“I didn’t expect that of you Jax.” Her disappointment made the ache in my chest deepen. “What you said to Ella was hurtful. I don’t know what is exactly going on with you two, or this other tramp, but to string them both along like that is really unfair, especially on Ella.”
“I’m not stringing anyone along Annie, I adore Ella, fuck I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love her. Selena is nothing to me, I’m just helping her out of an awkward situation and it benefits Mercy’s at the same time.” I rubbed the knot that had taken up residence in my neck. “Perhaps I could have handled the situation a little better though. I’ve had a rough day, I just snapped.” Annie shook her head as she lean
t against the kitchen bench.
“Do you wonder if Ella’s step-father used that excuse on her?” My eyes snapped to Annie’s. “Do you think he hit her and told her it was because he had a bad day?”
“I didn’t hit Ella Annie,” I growled.
“Of course you didn’t, but you still hurt her. You basically told her she wasn’t good enough to be seen at a fancy ball with you.” I groaned.
“That’s not what I meant, she hates crowds and this crowd is going to be full of women like Selena, fuck, like her mother and worse. I wouldn’t put her through that.” Annie smiled.
“And that’s how you should have explained it to her.” Annie sighed. “Don’t push her too hard Jax. She’s fragile, she has trust issues which she is completely entitled to. You need to do right by her, always, even after a bad day. If you don’t think you can handle that then you need to back off now, before things go too far.” Annie saw the situation for exactly what it was. I needed to be more for Ella, stronger and no excuse would pardon me.
“Thanks Annie,” I sighed. She gave me a quick hug before seeing me out the door.
Now I sat on my couch, a glass of whiskey hung precariously from my fingers, my head bowed in shame. I had let Ella down, I had broken a promise, again. In this moment, the tattoo at my back carried the heavy burden of shame and truth. Redemption was not for me, I had failed Sarah and now Ella. As that thought crossed my mind, Ella’s words echoed in my ears. “Sarah would have died alone and cold rather than in a warm safe place.” The truth in her words stung me. I couldn’t save Sarah, but I gave her all I could and that was more than anyone had ever given her. I swallowed down my whiskey and quickly pored another, I needed the detachment tonight, I needed to escape. Thoughts of Ella would either drive me to ring her or worse yet, drive me to Rebecca’s to confront her. She didn’t need that bullshit right now. I would explain myself, make this right somehow, but she needed some room to see and think clearly. Remembering Selena’s pleading eyes made me shudder, that girl knew how to play with the best of them. She knew exactly what she had to say to get what she wanted. I was taking her to this stupid fucking ball, and I wasn’t looking forward to it. It wasn’t at all how I expected Thanksgiving to go, in fact, I had already spoken to Annie about having them all come out to my place for the night, perhaps Charlie and Rebecca too. Of course Annie had offered to cook, which was a good thing, considering my inability to boil so much as water. Then another memory consumed me. Fuck, Ella’s dad had died on Thanksgiving. How the fuck could I have let that gold nugget of information slip? I stood angrily and picked up the closest thing to me which happened to be my guitar. I swung it hard against the brick fireplace and it shattered just as my conscience did. I was taking Selena to the Thanksgiving Ball on the anniversary of Ella’s father’s death. I roared with anger at my own stupidity. Gripping the ledge of the fireplace until my knuckles turned white, all the hate, guilt and anger inside of me simmered dangerously close to the surface. With a long breath I spun around and grabbed the bottle of whiskey, gulping with furious impatience straight from the bottle.
No, redemption wasn’t for me. If God was looking down on me right now, his head would hang in shame, his heart would be broken, just like Sarah’s, just like Ella’s. All the blood on my hands, the broken promises, the women I had used, they were all decisions I had made, wrong decisions that hurt people, killed people. Finishing off the bottle I sank into an abyss of shame and self-loathing. The walls around me spun out of control, just like my life, the ceiling over my head seemed to be falling on top of me. What the fuck had I done, I had ruined everything. With that failing thought, I descended into the sweet silence of unconsciousness.
As I walked down the narrow hallway of the crumbling building, my heart pounded with fear. Not fear of my own death, but those around me. My fellow soldier’s at arms, Dillon who covered my back. The heat was unbearable, thick, like a living entity that coated your skin and sucked the life right from you. At the end of the familiar hallway I nudged the door open and the acrid scent of mortar and death gripped my lungs, the vision of blood seared my eyes. I fell to my knees, my eyes squeezed shut with the effort it took not to be sick, but it was useless. The bile rose in my throat and when I opened my eyes again, the room had changed. It was Mercy’s bathroom, again a familiar nightmare. The dream has so far replayed with echoing precision, an exact duplicate of the same dream, over and over, except for here, now in the bathroom at Mercy’s Shelter. It looked the same, but it felt different, warmer and the air not as thick, the smell of blood sweeter rather than rotten. I looked toward the shower stall where I knew her body would lay. I didn’t want to see her again, but I was drawn to her. Looking over her lifeless bloodied body was the price I paid for my failure of her. I saw her tiny foot first, followed by the long pale leg, her body crumpled against the wall, blood pooled around her broken form. The whimper from my throat was weak in comparison to the rage I felt at finding her like this. This was when I usually woke, when the nightmare became too much and I screamed myself awake. But not tonight, tonight the lifeless body of Sarah moved and with horrified fascination I continued to watch her. Her eyes blinked and her head rose to take me in. She smiled, she was happy to see me no doubt pleased I was still here so she could scream and yell how I failed her. Her head titled to one side and a surprising look of compassion and comfort consumed her features. I tried to whisper I was sorry but the words would not come. A tear escaped my eye and fell uselessly down my cheek. Tears wouldn’t bring her back. Sarah shook her head slowly, her bright green eyes never strayed from mine.
“There’s nothing to forgive.” My heart lurched at her words. “I’m the one who is sorry, I let you down and I’m sorry, but you have to let me go now Jax. It’s time to let the past rest.” With that her head lolled back lifelessly.
I woke with a start, sweat dripping from my still clothed body on the couch in my living room. The sun shone through the drapes without mercy, scorching my skin with its touch. I glanced to the empty bottle of whiskey and my stomach pitched, my head pounding with the effort not to be sick. My mouth was as dry as the desert and tasted like ass, or so I assumed, having never tasted ass before. The lingering impressions of my dream held me rooted to my seat. Perhaps forgiveness wasn’t what I needed. Maybe what I needed was to finally accept Sarah’s fate and move forward, just like Ella had said. Fuck, this was too profound for a Friday morning. I glanced at my watch, shit, it was after nine and I was late. Mercy would be pissed, and just like clock-work my phone belted out the familiar ACDC riff. I held it to my ear but didn’t get a chance to speak.
“You’re late, David is covering but he did the 2am shift, so he’s exhausted. You’d better be on your way and if not, a note from your mom won’t cut it Jaxon James Carter.” I chuckled and rubbed my head, stalking through the house to quickly change.
“Yes I’m on my way, and I need to speak to David so tell him not to go anywhere. I had a fucked up dream that needs his psychoanalyzing. Tell him I’ll be there soon, and mom, I hate it when you call me that.” She was quiet for a moment.
“Jax, is everything okay?” In the blink of an eye her voice had gone from pissed off momma bear to the angelic guardian I adored.
“Not really mom. I fucked up but I’m gonna’ make it right. I need to talk to David about Sarah and once I get that cleared I can make everything right again.”
“Oh baby. Should I check on Ella?” She didn’t even have to ask me who or how I had fucked up, she just knew.
“I’d appreciate that. She stayed with Rebecca last night and she’ll be working today.”
“Okay honey, I’ll stop by Bouquets before I head home, and Jax, you’re only human. We all make mistakes. It’s important we learn from them and try not to make them again though.” I slipped the phone from my hand while I pulled a fresh shirt on.
“Shit, I know. I’ll talk to you later.” I hung up and raced around the house looking for my keys. The urgency to my start helped
me push the sharp hangover from the forefront of my mind. I had to get to work, I needed to talk to David, but more than anything I needed to see Ella.
Chapter 25
Ella
The morning after the incident between Jax and Selena I awoke in Rebecca’s bed, still dressed in my clothes from the night before with a pounding head protesting the deflowering of my vodka virginity. I officially hated vodka. Rebecca and I had worked our way through her entire wardrobe, and it was indeed full of clothes that had not been touched in years. I found myself with a suitcase full of perfectly descent clothes which made me incredibly happy, but the sting from Jax’s actions and words the night before still broke my heart. The next morning I rode to work with Rebecca, we were late but since Rebecca was the boss and she didn’t seemed fazed I didn’t worry too much. We were met at the store by a worried looking Mercy. She didn’t ask any questions, just bought a simple bouquet of tulips and made sure I had her number to call her if I needed to.
The following days crept by slowly. Jax never attempted to contact me, and that stung. Annie had told me that he had stopped by the diner to ask how I was doing. The fact he couldn’t pick up the phone and ask me himself was absurd and hurtful. Rebecca said he was working with Dave through some issues. He apparently needed to sort his shit out before he even considered seeing me again and helping me to tackle my shit. I considered leaving so many times. I’d even started taking my backpack everywhere I went again, just in case I decided to run. Something held me to Claymont though. Whether it was Jax, Mercy, Annie and Eli, Rebecca or a combination of all I didn’t know, but I just couldn’t bring myself to walk away. Rita had tried to call me several times, but I wasn’t ready to speak to her yet. Rebecca deflected her calls which were apparently growing in angst. Finally, on the day before Thanksgiving, the day before Jax and Selena’s date and the anniversary of my dad’s death, she called Bouquets and I answered.
Saving Ella (Mercy's Angels) Page 18
