Sorrel I’m so happy for you. You must tell me everything … all about it …
Lynette I will. I’ll just put this in the fridge. Hang on. I got us a special meal as well. I went in Selfridge’s Food Hall and went completely mad. Spent a fortune and I don’t care.
Sorrel What’s the job, though?
Lynette Well, you’re not to laugh at this … It’s this religious publishers –
Sorrel Religious?
Lynette Well, you know, they publish a lot of Christian material. They’re American-based originally and they’re just getting going over here – you know, specialist books … Penny told me about it – you remember Penny Trent? – short blonde woman – rather red-faced …
Sorrel Oh yes, vaguely.
Lynette Anyway she tipped me off about it – because in her job she deals with this firm all the time – and she’d heard on the grapevine that they were anxious to develop the internet side of the business in Europe – and she thought it would be tailor-made for me, which of course it is – so I met them last Thursday and they seemed keen then but they said, look, come back next week – like today – because they had two other candidates and I thought, God, here we go again – and this morning I got there and I’d barely sat down and they said, it’s yours if you want it and when can you start? And I said, how about yesterday –? (Her volubility has brought on a bout of coughing. She goes for a cigarette.) And I’m seriously going to give up, I promise. Look, I’ll show you what I bought for dinner …
Sorrel Mum, would it be alright if I invited Kelly to eat with us?
Lynette (rather cool) Kelly? I suppose so. I’d have thought you’d see enough of her during the day. I was rather hoping it could just be the two of us for once. Still, ask her down, if you want to.
Sorrel It’s just I’d arranged to go out with her tonight and she’s going through a bit of a crise and I –
Lynette No, well then, go out if you’d prefer …
Sorrel No, I want to stay here with you.
Lynette If you’ve already arranged something –?
Sorrel I haven’t arranged anything …
Lynette Well, you obviously have, otherwise you wouldn’t –
Sorrel (slightly irritably) Listen, I want to stay home with you. I want to celebrate with you –
Lynette Well, you don’t have to stay in if you don’t want to –
Sorrel (yelling) I want to.
Silence.
(softly) God!
Lynette I don’t know why you suddenly need to shout.
Sorrel Because everything becomes a great saga.
Silence.
Lynette You go out if you’d prefer to.
Sorrel (sharply) Don’t start again!
A long silence.
Lynette You always manage to ruin everything, don’t you?
Silence. Sorrel breathes deeply, asserting great self-control.
I mean, I never ask you for much, do I? I think compared with other mothers I’m extremely reasonable.
Silence. Sorrel grinds her teeth.
I ask for one tiny little celebration with just the two of us and you manage to spoil even that.
Lynette sniffs. Her eyes are filling with tears.
I was so excited on the way home. I thought you’d be so thrilled.
Sorrel I am thrilled.
Lynette I thought you’d be so happy for me.
Sorrel I said I was.
Lynette Born selfish. It’s always about you, isn’t it? It has to be about you, the whole time. You’re just like your father –
Sorrel Right. That’s it. That is it. I’m sorry I am out of here.
Sorrel marches out of the kitchen and starts to put on her coat again.
Lynette That’s right. Off you go.
Sorrel Start comparing me to that bastard –
Lynette I’ll be fine. Don’t worry. I’ll have the champagne on my own.
Sorrel You do that. I hope it chokes you, you stupid bi –
Sorrel has pulled open the front door. Dan and Grace are standing there, apparently just about to ring the bell. Dan is a fairly stocky man in his forties. Grace, rather severe, in her thirties.
(startled) Oh.
Dan Good evening.
Sorrel Evening.
Dan (holding up his ID) Detective Sergeant Endicott. This is WPC Page. I wonder if we could have a few words.
Sorrel (faintly) A few words?
Dan Just a few. Your mum at home, is she?
Lynette (from the kitchen) Who is it?
Grace Your dad home, is he, love?
Sorrel No, my father’s – he’s not here.
Lynette (from the kitchen) Sorrel, who are you talking to?
Sorrel It’s the police.
Lynette The what? (coming out of the kitchen and seeing them) Oh. What do you –?
Dan Good evening, madam. May we come in for a minute?
Lynette (bewildered) Yes, I suppose so.
Dan and Grace step past Sorrel and into the flat, closing the door.
Has something happened? I mean, has there been an accident?
Dan In a manner of speaking …
Lynette Someone we know?
Dan It’s possible.
Lynette Is it my husband? Has something happened –?
Dan Shall we sit down for a minute?
Grace As far as we know nothing’s happened to your husband, Mrs Saxon.
Lynette How did you know I was Mrs –
Dan Should we sit down, would that be a good idea?
Lynette No, I’d like to know why you’re here before I –
Grace I don’t think we need the youngster here, do we, sergeant?
Dan No, we won’t need her.
Grace Got somewhere you were going, were you, love? Somewhere you’d like to go and play?
Sorrel Go and what?
Dan Just while we talk to your mum, love. We just want to ask her a few questions, we won’t be long.
Sorrel What do you want with my mother?
Grace Off you go, love.
Sorrel No, I’m staying here. I want to know what you want with my mother.
Lynette Sorrel, you’d better do as they say.
Sorrel No, I’m sorry. I’m not leaving here.
Dan (still perfectly reasonably) Listen, love, we can do this in two ways. We can have a quiet chat with your mum alone here. Or we can ask her to come down to the police station and talk to her there. Which do you prefer?
A pause.
Sorrel I’ll be in my room, Mum. If you want me. You just call.
Dan That’s a good girl.
Sorrel glares at him and goes off to the bedroom.
Fine young lady. You must be very proud of her.
Lynette Yes, I am.
Dan Now. Shall we sit down?
Dan and Lynette sit facing each other. Grace wanders around the room in a rather predatory manner. Dan takes out a notebook.
Lynette Well?
Dan Yes, well, we’ll make this as quick as we can. I’m sure you’ve got lots to get on with at this busy time of year. Just as we have. We’re investigating a death which we’ve reason to believe may have occurred under suspicious circumstances.
Lynette Who?
Dan Er – the victim’s name is Leo Graham Tyler.
Lynette Tyler?
Dan Correct.
Lynette Never heard of him.
Grace You’d probably have known him just as Leo, dear.
Lynette Would I?
Dan You know anyone called Leo?
Lynette No. I don’t know any Leos at all.
Dan Sure about that?
Lynette Positive.
Pause.
Grace He could have used a false name.
Dan Possibly. (He produces a photograph.)
Lynette What is this?
Dan (handing it to her) That face ring a bell at all?
Lynette (studying the photo) No.
Grace No?
Lynette D
on’t know him at all. Who is he?
Dan Want to have another quick look? Make sure?
Lynette No, I don’t want another quick look. I want to know what this is about?
Dan You go out to work at all, Mrs Saxon?
Lynette Yes, I do.
Dan What line would that be?
Lynette I’m – well I’m between jobs just at present – I’m starting a new one next week. I’m a – an internet consultant.
Dan Ah. The internet. That’s the thing, isn’t it, these days?
Lynette Certainly is.
Dan They say you can buy just about anything on the internet, these days, don’t they?
Lynette True.
Dan They say there’s nothing you can’t buy. So that’s what you’re doing at the moment, is it? Internet consultant. And who’s consulting you just at present?
Lynette As I say, I’m currently between jobs at present. I’m doing some – office-cleaning just to fill in.
Dan Office-cleaning?
Lynette Yes.
Dan Enjoy that, do you?
Lynette It’s alright.
Grace Do you do a lot of scrubbing, do you?
Lynette I’m sorry?
Grace Do you find yourself doing a lot of scrubbing?
Dan That’ll do, Grace.
Lynette What on earth are you talking about?
Dan So we’ve established, then, that you have never met or heard of Mr Tyler and that you are working currently as an office cleaner. We correct on that score, are we?
Lynette Perfectly correct. Was that all you wanted to know because I have supper to make?
Grace What about Mandy? Does the name Mandy mean anything to you?
Lynette Mandy? No, I don’t know anyone called Mandy.
Dan What would your own name be, may I ask?
Lynette My name is Lynette.
Grace No, that doesn’t sound a lot like Mandy, does it?
Dan Can’t say it does.
Grace Unless she’s using a false name as well.
Dan Mandy, you mean?
Grace Absolutely. ‘For the lips of a strange woman drop as an honeycomb, and her mouth is smoother than oil.’
Lynette What?
Dan You’ll have to pardon my colleague, Mrs Saxon. Grace is given to biblical quotations when the occasion arises …
Grace ‘But her end is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword.’
Lynette Are you the police or Jehovah’s Witnesses?
Dan Ah, you know, I think we occasionally overlap on that. Certainly do working with WPC Page, there. We have a saying at the station – if Grace can’t arrest them, she converts them. (He smiles.)
Lynette (unamused) Is that it, then?
Grace Mr Tyler was dragged out of the river a little over a week ago. A mile downstream of here. Just beyond Greenwich. They were able to calculate from the estimated speed of the tide and from the approximate period the body had been in the water that it had probably fallen in or had been pushed in, or had been dropped in, somewhere not far from here.
Lynette How tragic. Who was this man, anyway?
Dan Mr Tyler was retired. He’d taken early retirement to enjoy his middle years. Apparently he was formerly the owner of a dry-cleaning business.
Lynette Rather unfortunate. A dry cleaner getting drowned, isn’t it? (She laughs a little nervously.)
Dan I’m sure his family would find that highly amusing.
Lynette Sorry.
Grace ‘Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful.’
Dan There you are. You’ve set her off again, now, with another burst of Deuteronomy.
Grace Proverbs.
Dan Proverbs. Beg your pardon, Grace.
Lynette Well, I’m very sorry he was drowned, of course I am, but –
She has a small coughing fit and fumbles automatically for a cigarette.
Dan (solicitously) Alright?
Lynette Yes, thank you. Sorry, would you –? (She proffers the cigarettes.)
Grace shakes her head.
Dan No, thank you. No, the problem is, you see, Lynette – may I call you Lynette? – the problem is, he was taken out of the water but it appears he wasn’t drowned – he died of a heart attack some hours earlier. Which leads us to believe that he must have been placed in the water subsequently.
Lynette Unless he died whilst balancing precariously on a bridge.
Dan (staring at Lynette) I don’t think she’s taking this seriously, Grace, do you?
Grace It doesn’t appear to me she is, Dan.
Dan (more briskly) Answer me this, then, Lynette. Do you advertise on the internet at all, do you?
Lynette Advertise? What would I advertise?
Dan You set yourself up as an internet consultant, I thought you might advertise on it.
Lynette Well, I don’t.
Grace Never?
Lynette Never.
Dan So you’ve never advertised so-called personal services using the name – I quote – ‘Randy Mandy’ on a web site known as Lovechicks dot co dot uk?
Lynette My God! Certainly not.
Dan So it would surprise you to know, would it, that Leo Tyler made regular use of the services of Lovechicks dot co dot uk and that it was listed on his PC as being among his personal favourites?
Lynette How sad.
Grace You own a mobile phone, do you?
Lynette Yes.
Dan Got it with you at present, by any chance?
Lynette Yes, I have.
Grace Know the number offhand?
Lynette Yes, of course I do.
Dan Would you mind giving it to me, please?
Lynette Why should I?
Grace Because that way, you will be assisting us with our enquiries.
Dan But if you don’t give it to us, equally you could be accused of trying to obstruct the course of justice.
Grace ‘The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked.’
Dan She said it. Not me.
Lynette 0783 561610.
Dan (writing this down) Six – one – six – one – zero. Is it switched on at present?
Lynette Yes. I’m sure it is.
Grace Where is it?
Lynette In my bag, do you want me to …?
Dan No, leave it there. That’s alright. So if I phone this number now, the chances are that phone of yours will ring?
Lynette Chances are.
Grace If it’s the right number.
Lynette It is.
Dan OK, then. Shall we give it a go. See what happens?
Lynette Be my guest.
Dan produces his own mobile and starts to punch up the number which Lynette has given him.
Dan (keying in the number) Zero – seven – eight … Here we go. Miracles of science.
He completes the number and sends. A silence. From her bag, Lynette’s phone rings.
Well, that certainly works, anyway.
Lynette Wonderful things, mobile phones.
Dan Aren’t they just? To think it was only a few years ago, we’d hardly heard of them. Now we can’t manage without them, can we?
Lynette True.
Dan Kids especially.
Lynette Yes.
Dan You’d think their ear was superglued to it, some of them.
Lynette Absolutely.
Pause.
Dan (shaking his head) I don’t know.
Pause.
Lynette That it then? Can I –
Grace Do you own a second phone by any chance?
Lynette What?
Grace A second mobile phone?
Dan Oh, that’s good thinking, Grace, I hadn’t thought of that.
Lynette No, I don’t.
Grace So if we were to ring the number provided by Randy Mandy at Lovechicks dot co dot uk, nothing else is likely to ring in your bag, is it?
Lynette No way.
Grace Worth a go, though, isn’t it?
Dan Oh, yes, certainly worth a go.
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Lynette (still mildly amused) Just as you like.
Dan I’ve still got that number somewhere, haven’t I, Grace? I don’t think I threw it – (He finds a scrap of paper.) No, here we are. I know I wrote it down. In case I got lonely over Christmas. (He punches in the number.)
Grace (disapprovingly) ‘Lust not after her beauty in thine heart; neither let her take thee with her eyelids …’
Dan Only joking, Grace, only joking. There we are. Now. Do we hear anything or don’t we?
They listen, staring at the bag. From the desk drawer, Sorrel’s mobile starts to ring.
Oh, we do.
Grace takes Sorrel’s phone from the drawer and puts it on the desk top.
Lynette (the whole picture clear) Oh, my God.
Dan Call you Mandy now, can I?
Grace (murmuring contemptuously) ‘As a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout …’
Sorrel appears in the bedroom doorway. They all look at her.
Sorrel Mum …?
Dan We haven’t quite finished yet, love …
Sorrel What’s happening?
Lynette Go back in there, please, Sorrel.
Sorrel I just heard my phone ring, I thought …
Lynette No, that was my phone ringing. Not yours.
Sorrel No, it was definitely …
Lynette No, your phone is still in your bag here, I know it is. That was my phone.
Sorrel But that –
Lynette (firmly) It was my phone.
Silence.
Dan How many phones have you got, you two?
Lynette I have two. She has one.
Dan I see. One for business.
Grace One for pleasure.
Lynette Quite correct.
Dan So you’re denying none of this?
Lynette I – I admit some of it. I know absolutely nothing about – (glancing at Sorrel) – about what happened to that man.
Dan You want to go back in the bedroom for a minute, love?
Sorrel No, I don’t.
Dan Now, I’m telling you, you go in your room at once.
Lynette Don’t tell her what to do.
Damsels in Distress Page 6
