Sorrel Mum. What are you doing?
Troy I’d need to make a call.
Lynette Do that. It’s that or nothing, tell them.
Troy Excuse me. Won’t be a second. (He opens the front door. An afterthought) You will let me in again, won’t you?
Lynette Depends on your answer.
Troy See you in a tick. (He goes out, closing the door.)
Sorrel What are you doing? You don’t need to do this?
Lynette (shrugging) What else have I got to lose?
Sorrel You’ll be all over his nasty little magazine. We both will.
Lynette Three-minute wonder, love. Believe me.
Sorrel How much did you ask for?
Lynette Enough to widen our options. I added another nought to his offer, that’s all.
Sorrel Will they pay that much?
Lynette Probably not. Worth a go, though. Look, I’ve got an idea. Whilst he’s making his phone call … (She heads for the kitchen.) Have you packed those glasses yet?
Sorrel Yes, they’re just on the top there.
Lynette Well, unwrap them again. Two glasses. Quickly.
Sorrel What for?
Lynette Quick, quick, quick!
Sorrel locates the glasses wrapped in newspaper and starts to unpack them. Lynette goes into the kitchen and opens the fridge.
Sorrel What are you doing?
She unpacks the wine glasses on to the coffee table. Lynette returns with the still-unopened bottle of pink champagne.
Here. We still have this. Left over from our celebratory meal that never was.
Sorrel How do we know this is celebratory?
Lynette We don’t. We wait and see. He’ll be back in a minute. If it’s no, we’ll just have to put this away again, won’t we? Wait for another time. Because there will be another time. I promise you that, Sorrel. I swear to you that this family, you and I, are going to have another time.
The doorbell rings. They freeze.
Here we go, then. Make or break time, darling.
Lynette, clutching the bottle, goes to answer the door. She opens it expectantly. Kelly is standing there.
Oh, no.
Kelly (defensively) I’m sorry. I’ll go away again.
Lynette No, come in, come in. I thought you were – someone else.
Kelly Oh. I’m Kelly.
Lynette I know you’re Kelly, you stupid girl.
She steps inside and Lynette closes the door behind her.
Kelly I just wanted to apologise if I upset you, Mrs Saxon – I didn’t mean to –
Lynette No, Kelly, I don’t believe in this case that you did mean it. I apologise to you. It was entirely me. I had no reason to speak to you like that. None at all. Will you accept my apology? Please.
Kelly Oh.
She stares at Sorrel and Lynette with something little short of sheer adoration.
(bursting into tears) You’re such lovely people …
Sorrel Now, don’t do that, Kelly. There’s no need to cry. Here. Unpack yourself a glass.
Kelly A what?
Sorrel A glass, there. There’s a remote chance we may be drinking.
Kelly Is there? Are you still leaving?
Lynette We’re not sure. We’ll know in a minute.
Kelly (mystified) Oh.
Sorrel (comforting her) I promise, it’ll work out fine, Kell, you’ll see. (to Lynette) Won’t it?
Lynette shrugs. The doorbell rings. They all look to the door.
Lynette This time it must be. Here goes. (She starts to move to the door.)
Sorrel Mum …
Lynette Mmmm?
Sorrel Whatever the outcome – (She hugs her.)
Lynette (responding) Whatever the outcome.
She moves to the door.
Hell, it’s only money.
Kelly (whispering) What’s going on?
Sorrel You’ll see.
Lynette (her hand on the door handle) Ready, then? And – one – two – three …
As she prepares to throw open the door, the lights fade swiftly to:
Blackout.
FLATSPIN
FlatSpin was first performed at the Stephen Joseph Theatre, Scarborough on 3 July 2001. The same production was subsequently presented by Michael Codron, Lee Dean, Michael Linnit, David Ian for ClearChannel Entertainment and Andrew Lloyd Webber, at the Duchess Theatre, London, on 7 September 2002. The cast was as follows:
Annette Sefton-Wilcox Beth Tuckey
Rosie Seymore Alison Pargeter
Sam Berryman Bill Champion
Edna Stricken Jacqueline King
Maurice Whickett Robert Austin
Tracy Taylor Saskia Butler
Tommy Angel Tim Faraday
Director Alan Ayckbourn
Designer Roger Glossop
Lighting Designer Mick Hughes
Costume Designer Christine Wall
Characters
Annette Sefton-Wilcox
thirties
Rosie Seymore
twenties
Sam Berryman
thirties
Edna Stricken
forties
Maurice Whickett
fifties
Tracy Taylor
twenties
Tommy Angel
thirties
A riverside apartment in London’s Docklands
Act One
Scene One: Bank Holiday Monday, noon
Scene Two: 6.30 p.m. the same day
Act Two
Scene One: a few minutes later
Scene Two: thirty minutes later
Act One
SCENE ONE
A riverside apartment on the Thames, somewhere in London’s Docklands. It’s a corporately owned flat, impersonal, with little clue or indeed sign of the inhabitant. A main sitting area and an adjoining walk-through kitchen/dining area. Sliding windows at one end of the sitting area lead on to a small riverside balcony. At the other end of this sitting area, a well-stocked bar. Near the window, a desk and chair. On the desk, a discreetly placed book. A sofa, an armchair and a heavy coffee table. A few quite healthy pot plants dotted around. Leading off this area is a short hallway leading directly to the front door. Also two archways leading to another area visible to us, the common kitchen/dining space. The kitchen end is well equipped, evidently regularly cleaned, but has clearly not been used for some time. It has an almost spartan tidiness. The other end has a small dining table with four chairs. Leading from this in turn is a further door to the offstage bedroom. At the start, it is around noon in the midst of an August Bank Holiday heatwave. Bright sunshine floods the room. After a second, Annette, the managing agents’ representative, enters. She is in her late thirties, smartly dressed in a business suit. She carries a large set of master keys. With her is Rosie, mid-twenties, casually dressed. She carries a notebook and pencil in which she occasionally makes an addition or checks an entry.
Annette (swiftly, in full flow, as they enter) … and this one you’ll have very little bother with at all. Number 3C, Mrs Rupelford. R – U – P … Got her on your list, have you?
Rosie (consulting her notes) Yes, yes, Rupelford. Water plants … flush toilets regularly … check round generally …
Annette Spot on. There’s a cleaner comes in every month and gives it a good going over, which is all it basically needs, of course, because this woman never sets foot in the place.
Rosie Never?
Annette Not so far as anyone can gather. Let’s say that no one’s ever seen her. Still, it doesn’t bother us, it’s a corporate let, they pay the rent – if they want to waste their money it’s up to them, isn’t it? No, to be perfectly fair, I think Joanna Rupelford’s job does entail an awful lot of overseas travel, so far as I can gather – between the two of us, I think she’s oil, actually – all the same, you’d think for the amount of time she was in London it would be cheaper to stick the woman in a hotel, wouldn’t it? Still, as I say, who are we …? Now, all perfectly clear s
o far, is it?
Rosie Yes, I think so, Mrs Sefton-Wilcox.
Annette Annette, please.
Rosie Annette, sorry. (consulting her notes) 7B – Mrs Truffick. Water plants weekly, air flat occasionally when away. General check round.
Annette Yes, Ann Truffick’s a sheer delight. You’ll have absolutely no trouble with her.
Rosie 5D – Mr and Mrs Warmlow. Check intermittent shower drip – occasional weekend feed fish.
Annette Yes, and whatever else, don’t forget to do that. They’re the most terrible fusspots, both of them. If their blessed fish starve to death, we’ll never hear the end of it. Bane of all our lives, I can tell you, the Warmlows. You won’t believe it but they’re actually in the midst of litigation with the window cleaner.
Rosie Really?
Annette They’re retired, of course, so they’ve nothing else to do but write us complaining letters …
Rosie (sympathetically) Yes, well …
Annette Why they can’t behave like normal retired people, buy somewhere abroad and die of drink gracefully, I can’t imagine. Sorry, do carry on, Rose. Rose, isn’t it?
Rosie Rosie.
Annette Rosie, of course. How pretty.
Rosie Thank you. Er – 4A – Mr Cheetham. Water plants when advised. Feed budgie on Thursdays.
Annette Yes, now as I say, Mr Cheetham is the weeniest bit odd. The plants are all plastic and the bird cage is empty, but go through the motions. He’s perfectly harmless. Secretly, I think he’s just desperate for company.
Rosie Right. 3C – Mrs Rupelford – water plants – flush toilets – general check round.
Annette Oh, spot on, well done. I’ll say again, we’re all so, so grateful to you for stepping in like this, Rosie. I mean, normally if one of our janitors is away for more than a day, we arrange proper cover, naturally we do. But of course, with your uncle and aunt due back today, we never –
Rosie No, it was all very sudden …
Annette Such unfortunate timing. Are they both alright, by the way?
Rosie Yes, just a little shaken. I spoke to them earlier. They’re just keeping them in overnight for observation. Whiplash.
Annette The traffic gets worse and worse, doesn’t it? I mean, normally Milton – Mr Granger – would be here to cover for your uncle. But he went off late last night to Benidorm. And on top of everything else it’s this wretched Bank Holiday. There’s one every other week these days, isn’t there? Not that it makes a blind bit of difference to me – I just soldier on regardless – (laughing) – must be in the wrong job, mustn’t I? – anyway, as I say, we’re all frightfully grateful to you, Rosie. What a stroke of luck you were free!
Rosie Yes, well, it happens I wasn’t working this weekend so …
Annette Yes, now what is it you do again? Your uncle did tell me once, I think – Are you still a student?
Rosie No, I’m an actor.
Annette An actress! Oh, how super. Ought I to know you?
Rosie No, I shouldn’t think so …
Annette I mean, have you been in anything I’d have seen on the box – not that I ever actually have time to watch it, of course. I mean, the number of occasions I actually manage to sit down and see a whole programme …
Rosie Well, it wouldn’t really matter if you had because I haven’t really been in anything …
Annette No, no, no, that’s not true. Come to think of it, you do seem familiar now I look at you. I have seen you in something, I’m sure …
Rosie I think it’s unlikely. Unless you’ve been to Crewkerne lately.
Annette Crewkerne? Is that a series?
Rosie No, it’s a place. I was touring with a children’s company that’s based there.
Annette Where on earth is Crewkerne?
Rosie Somerset.
Annette Heavens. Yonks away.
Rosie Certainly is.
Annette What made you choose there? I didn’t even know they did television in Somerset.
Rosie No, this was theatre.
Annette Theatre. Oh. You’re a theatre actress, then?
Rosie No. Any sort. I’m not really fussy.
Annette So, do you come from Somerset?
Rosie No. Nottingham, actually.
Annette So what made you choose Crewkerne?
Rosie Well, I – fancied the challenge. You know.
Annette Wonderful. What fun. It must have been enormous fun, wasn’t it?
Rosie Yes. Eight weeks touring. Ten a.m. shows in a van. Fitting up at nine a.m. in school halls. Changing in the lavatories.
Annette Golly. What were you playing?
Rosie The Princess and the Pea.
Annette Oh, I say! Which one were you? (She laughs a lot.)
Rosie (smiling thinly) Neither.
Annette Sorry, I was only joking. Which part did you take, then?
Rosie Actually. I played a rabbit.
Annette A rabbit? Heavens!
Rosie Yes.
Annette Golly. That’s dedication. All the way to Crewkerne to be a rabbit.
Rosie (who’s getting sick of this) Well. There you go.
Annette Still, I suppose that’s how Meryl Streep must have started, mustn’t she?
Rosie I doubt it somehow.
Annette Tell me, are you a – what do you call it? – a method actress? Did you prepare by crouching in fields and eating lettuce and things? I was reading somewhere that Robert de Niro always does that sort of thing …
Rosie Does he? No, I honestly just put on the ears, did the job and took the money, actually. Such as it was …
Annette Ears! Yes, of course. You must have had ears! How sweet! Did you have a little white tail as well?
Rosie Yes. The works. Listen, Annette, was there anything else or should I –?
Annette Yes, I’d imagine you’d make a lovely rabbit. You’re quite petite, aren’t you? That would help, being very small.
Rosie Fairly small, yes.
Annette I say, I do hope this job isn’t going to be too much for you …
Rosie No, well, if necessary I’ll have to climb on a box, won’t I?
Annette No, seriously, I meant there’s some quite hefty bin work, you know. A lot of heavy mopping.
Rosie Well, I’ll probably manage to lift the mop OK. Don’t worry.
Annette No, what I meant was …
Rosie I work out quite regularly.
Annette Yes, I suppose you’d need to. Tell me, when you play rabbits, do you need to do special –?
Rosie Look, I don’t think I’m going to be playing many more rabbits, actually.
Annette No?
Rosie No. I think I’ve probably given my rabbit. I’m planning to move on.
Annette What next? A horse? (She laughs.)
Rosie stares at her. She’s had it up to here with this woman.
Only joking. Sorry.
Rosie (rather tense) Actually, if everything goes according to plan, I think I’m about to play a major lead in a classic television serial on BBC1.
Annette Oh. Spot on! Of course, I don’t really watch those classic things because I can never guarantee to see the next episode, the life I lead.
Rosie Well, never mind. I expect a lot of people will.
Annette No doubt. Most of them seem to have time to waste these days, don’t they? So when are you on? I’ll try and catch you.
Rosie Well, it hasn’t started yet. I mean, I’m still waiting for final confirmation that I’ve got it but my agent says it’s ninety per cent certain.
Annette Jolly good. No more rabbits then?
Rosie ’Fraid not.
Annette Unless you’re doing Watership Down, of course. (She laughs merrily.)
Rosie stares at her, icily.
Sorry. Only joking. Well, I can’t stand around. I must get on.
Rosie You must.
Annette Now, you’re absolutely clear on everything, are you?
Rosie Yes.
Annette You’ve got my card anyway, ha
ven’t you? In case of a real emergency. Otherwise, Milton – Mr Granger – will be here first thing Wednesday morning to take over. Alright?
Rosie Thank you.
Annette No, thank you, Rosie. Really. Sincerely. Well, I suppose I must brave the heat again. It’s unbearable today, isn’t it? Like an oven out there. Must be in the nineties. There’s something terribly wrong with the climate lately, if you ask me. Tell you what, you might as well get started in here whilst you’re at it, mightn’t you? Water Joanna Rupelford’s plants. They look as if they’re wilting.
Rosie I’ll do that.
Annette Try not to nibble them, though, won’t you? (She peals with laughter.) Sorry. Only joking. Byeee!
Annette goes out of the front door, still laughing. Rosie pulls a face.
Rosie (faintly reminiscent of Annette’s voice) Spot on!
She unlocks and slides open the windows. The sounds of the river fill the room. Rosie steps out cautiously and grips the balcony rail.
(leaning out and looking to her right) Fantastical! Spot on! (She comes in again, leaving the windows open.) Right, little plants. Let me deal with you. (feeling the base of one of them, sympathetic) Oh. Thirsty, little one. Thirsty. One moment. (consulting her list) 3C. Watering can under sink. Under sink. Sink. The sink, I sink, is in here! (She goes to the sink and, opening the cupboard beneath it, finds a small domestic watering can.) Aha! (Annette’s voice again) Spot on. Spot on. (She fills the watering can and starts watering the plants. She stops by the desk, is about to water the plant and then, out of curiosity, picks up the solitary book lying there. Reading) Swinburne, Collected Poems. Heavens! (reading the inside cover) This book belongs to Joanna Rupelford. (trying out the name a little) Joanna Rupelford! Joanna Rupelford! (She starts to water the plant.) And tonight’s very special guest – ladies and gentlemen – Joanna Rupelford! (She makes applause noises with her mouth.)
In her bag, her mobile phone rings.
Oh, God! This is it! This must be it! (She dives for her phone and retrieves it. Studying the screen, disappointed) Oh. (She answers.) Hi, Cat. No, not yet … I thought you were Jason … no, he hasn’t … well, he said some time this morning … but then they said that yesterday … oh, who cares? … if I get it, I get it, love. If I don’t, too bad … (She returns to the plant as she speaks and finishes watering it.) … Well, it’s the only way, isn’t it? … Yes, I’ll talk to you later, sweet. Better leave the line clear. Yep. OK. ’Bye, Cat. (She disconnects and puts the phone on the desk and moves to the next plant. Quietly and with deep conviction) I would like to thank everyone concerned. An award is never truly won by a single individual. In the end, it’s all about teamwork. (She moves to the third plant.) And, ladies and gentleman, let’s face it, the fact that you have voted me best actress of all time in the entire universe ever is neither here nor there. All I would like to say –
Damsels in Distress Page 8
