She goes off briefly to the bedroom. A river boat passes, pounding out loud music for excited partygoers. Rosie returns shortly, struggling into a new outfit, this time a black skirt and dark top. She goes into the kitchen. She takes a bottle of red wine from a carrier bag.
Corkscrew? Corkscrew? Why can’t this woman keep anything in a logical place? (realising) Bar! No, that’s logical. (She hurries to the bar and is just opening the bottle when the doorbell rings again. She takes a deep breath. She scans the room and switches off a light or so to create atmosphere. Contemptuously) Rosie, this is so pathetic. You need to get laid this badly? Yes! Yes! Yes, I do! (She goes to the hi-fi and surveys the CD rack. It contains just two CDs.) George Frederick Handel or Val Doonican. This woman is beyond belief!
She puts on the Handel. It’s the deceptively quiet opening to Zadok the Priest, which Rosie obviously fails to recognise. The doorbell rings again. She hurriedly goes and opens the front door to admit Sam. He, too, has changed his clothes but remains fairly casual. He has some cartons and carrier bags.
Hi, sorry to keep you waiting.
Sam I’m not too early?
Rosie Spot on.
Sam Right.
They move to the kitchen.
Rosie That our dinner?
Sam I’ve prepared what I could in advance. It shouldn’t take long. I hope you’re hungry.
Rosie Ravenous.
Sam Good. (setting down his packages) You look very nice.
Rosie Thank you. So do you. Can I get you a drink?
Sam (moving back into the sitting room) Sure.
Rosie Red wine?
Sam That’ll do. Have you lost a bulb? It’s a little dark, isn’t it?
Rosie (anxiously) Is it too dark? I’ll switch something on again.
Sam No, it’s fine. Atmospheric. Great music, too.
Rosie Thank you. (She starts to struggle with the corkscrew.)
Sam I can’t believe you like Handel as well.
Rosie As well as what?
Sam This music. It’s Handel.
Rosie Oh, yes. This is Handel, certainly.
Sam We have more and more in common.
Rosie We’ll have to see, won’t we?
Sam May I –?
Rosie (handing him the bottle and corkscrew) Thanks. You can have something else if you’d rather. I have – all sorts of things. I can hardly remember them all – (reading off the stock from the bar) Amaretto, Green Chartreuse, Calvados, Cointreau, Crème de Fraises, Crème de Bananes, Parfait Amour, Blue Curaçao, Triple Sec –
Sam (as he finishes opening the bottle) No, this’ll be fine. You have an interesting selection of drinks.
Rosie Oh, I – pick them up when I’m touring around. You know.
Sam You do a lot of that?
Rosie I certainly do.
Sam Whereabouts do you go?
Rosie Oh, everywhere. Somerset. Everywhere.
He smiles at her. She smiles back. She starts to pour the wine with a certain flourish. The main choir on Handel’s Coronation Anthem chooses this moment to kick in at full blast. Rosie slops the wine.
(hurrying to the CD player to turn it down) God! Sorry. (reducing the volume, apologetically) Forgot it did that.
Sam Zadok the Priest. It does it every time. (moving to the kitchen) Kitchen towel.
Rosie Still some left.
Sam returns with the roll of towel and mops the bar.
Sam (as he does so) I was trying to remember if I’d ever seen you perform but I can’t recall … Joanna Rupelford. No.
Rosie No, well, I don’t … I do mainly … (handing him a glass of wine) Here.
Sam Thanks.
Rosie I mainly specialise in basically quite esoteric theatre work, you know …
Sam Uh-huh.
Rosie … mainly to strictly limited … mainly specialist audiences …
Sam Ah.
Rosie I don’t particularly favour mainstream that much.
Sam Apart from Jane Eyre?
Rosie Apart from Jane Eyre. Which, of course, I didn’t get. So it doesn’t count.
Sam The Irish actress got it.
Rosie Right.
Sam They’re going to regret that, aren’t they?
Rosie Serve them right.
Sam Cheers.
Rosie Cheers.
They drink.
Sam Remember this morning I said I thought you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever met?
Rosie (casually) Oh, did you? I seem to recall you said something like that, yes.
Sam Well. Right now I think you look even more beautiful.
Rosie (nervously) That’s probably because I’ve switched most of the lights off.
Sam I don’t think so.
They stare at each other.
Rosie You certainly plunge in, don’t you?
Sam Time’s short. I’m already thirty-five.
Rosie Are you? I’m not.
Sam No.
They continue to stare at each other.
Rosie You want to get cooking?
Sam Do I what?
Rosie Cooking? Do you want to start cooking?
Sam Oh, cooking. Yes, I’d love to cook.
Rosie Maybe you should? If time’s that short?
Sam It’s nearly all prepared. I’ll just put the oven on. (He drains his glass.) Interesting wine.
Rosie Thank you. What are we eating?
Sam Gnocchi.
Rosie What?
Sam Gnocchi.
Rosie K – N – O – C –?
Sam G – N – O – double C – H – I.
Rosie Oh.
Sam You said you liked pasta.
Rosie I thought you meant spaghetti.
Sam You’d prefer spaghetti?
Rosie No, I’m perfectly happy. I’m happy to try nooky.
Sam Gnocchi.
Rosie Gnocchi.
Sam (staring at her) I’ll get underway, then. (Sam goes into the kitchen and, during the next, fills a kettle. He then unpacks a few of his prepared ingredients.)
Rosie (as soon he has gone, attempting to cool herself) Oh, Jesus!
She hastily pours herself some more wine and swallows it in one. The phone on the desk rings. Rosie stares at it, uncertain whether to answer. It continues to ring.
Sam (from the kitchen) Joanna!
Rosie continues to stare at the phone.
Joanna! Are you going to answer that?
Rosie Oh! Yes. Of course. Probably only my mother. (Rosie goes to the phone and picks it up cautiously.) Hello? (She listens. Incredulously) What? … I’m sorry, I think you must have the wrong number. (She puts down the phone. Calling) Wrong number.
Sam Ah!
Rosie Do you mind if I put on some different music?
Sam It’s your flat.
She switches off the Handel, takes out the disc. As she does so, another party boat goes by outside. The sound, again, of a thumping disco beat.
(still in the kitchen, hearing this) That’s more like it.
Rosie That’s from outside. On the river. Imagine being on board that. It must be deafening.
As the boat passes and fades she puts on the other disk, Val Doonican’s Greatest Hits. In a moment we hear ‘Paddy McGinty’s Goat’.
Sam What the hell is this?
Rosie (checking the sleeve) Er – Val Doonican. ‘Paddy McGinty’s Goat.’
Sam This your sort of music, is it?
Rosie Can’t get enough of it.
Sam (somewhat sadly) Ah. Well!
She listens briefly.
Rosie On second thoughts, I think I’ve had enough of it. Tell you what, when I’ve had another glass of wine I’ll sing to you instead.
Sam That’d be nice.
Rosie You’d be surprised.
She takes the disc off again and goes back behind the bar. She is very slightly drunk already. A mixture of the wine and nervousness. She pours herself some more wine. Sam comes out of the kitchen.
More wine?
(She takes the bottle again.)
Sam Please. Do you happen to have a large saucepan? Or a big frying –?
Rosie manages to knock the cork off the bar. Sam catches it deftly.
– whoops!
Rosie Sorry.
Sam holds the cork for her to take.
(going to take it) Thanks.
Suddenly the cork is no longer in Sam’s hand. He has deftly palmed it.
(like a child, fascinated) How did you do that?
The cork is made to reappear.
Hey!
Sam Now you see it, now you don’t.
Sam does a little vanishing-and-reappearing-cork routine. Rosie watches, spellbound.
Rosie That’s brilliant.
Finally, he hands her back the cork. She applauds.
When did you learn to do that?
Sam Hidden depths. Ever since I was a kid. I belonged to this magic circle. Used to write away for tricks. Spent all my pocket money on trick cards. Vanishing coins. You know.
Rosie You should do it professionally.
Sam (smiling) I don’t think so, somehow.
Rosie You should.
Sam I’m not that good. I do a bit at parties occasionally. For kids.
Rosie Kids?
Sam You know. At Christmas time, in hospitals, that sort of thing. Only as a hobby.
Rosie (now totally in love with him) You entertain sick children in hospitals at Christmas?
Sam When I have the time.
Rosie I adore magic. Well, that sort …
Sam Close-up magic?
Rosie I prefer it to all those women vanishing from boxes – getting sawn in half.
Sam Well, that’s technically illusionism. Sometimes it can be quite impressive. It depends.
Rosie You do that as well?
Sam Not a lot. It takes up too much space. You need a very large garage to store it and an endless supply of women to practise on.
Rosie Well. I’ll volunteer.
Sam I don’t think I’d want to make you disappear.
Rosie Not yet, anyway. You haven’t discovered my hidden depths yet, have you?
They smile at each other.
No, I still think it’s cleverer not to have to rely on lots of equipment, don’t you? Just doing it with your bare hands is much more satisfying. I should imagine.
Sam stares at her.
With magic.
Sam Oh, yes. I see what you mean.
Rosie I mean, I think it’s cleverer if you can do it just with your hands. You know – what do you call it –
Sam Manipulation?
Rosie Right. I mean, when you think of it. You – you, Sam – are able to give people pleasure simply with what you can do with your hands. Aren’t you?
Sam I suppose so, yes.
Rosie (laughing nervously) Now you see it, now you don’t. It must be very satisfying.
Sam Right. I suppose it’s the same for you.
Rosie Satisfying?
Sam I mean as an actor. You must give people a lot of pleasure, too, don’t you?
Rosie Occasionally. Hopefully.
Sam That must be equally satisfying.
They stare at each other.
I’d better get on in there.
Rosie Yes, or we’ll never get round to –
Sam Eating.
Rosie No.
Sam moves back to the kitchen.
This wine’s going straight to my head, you know.
Sam (returning to the kitchen) Better go easy. The night is yet young.
Rosie Oh, I’ll be fine. Don’t worry. We thespians know how to hold our drink.
Sam I’m sure you do.
Rosie I’ll have you know, I’ve survived first-night parties in Taunton. (She pours herself another glass.)
Sam I’m impressed.
He starts to sprinkle flour on to a chopping board. Rosie joins him in the kitchen and watches him for a moment.
Rosie Can I help at all? I can’t cook but I can chop for England.
Sam Don’t think so. I’ve done most of it.
Rosie OK. (She stands, feeling rather spare.) What are you doing there?
Sam I’m just going to roll out the gnocchi. I didn’t bring pudding, I didn’t know if we’d …
Rosie We can always improvise.
Sam True. Do you have that saucepan? Or a frying pan?
Rosie I don’t know – I don’t know if the one I have is still here. I’ll have a look. (She starts a vain hunt round, opening cupboards and drawers.) All this touring around. I see so many kitchens.
Sam You must do.
Rosie Dozens.
Sam Even though you don’t cook.
Rosie (triumphantly producing a pan) What about this, then? This do?
Sam Perfect. No, I can see you don’t do a lot of cooking, do you? This still has the label on.
Rosie Well, that’s me. I can’t cook but I adore the pans. Tell me, what’s it like being an investment consultant? Is that what you said you did?
Sam At present.
Rosie At present? You don’t plan to do that for ever?
Sam I certainly don’t.
Rosie What do you want to do eventually?
Sam Oh, I have big plans for me.
Rosie Really?
Sam Big plans.
Rosie (a little intrigued) Want to talk about them?
Sam If you want to be useful, you could always lay the table.
Rosie Right. OK. (searching round again) Now –
Sam (indicating) I think the cutlery’s in that drawer there.
Rosie Yes, I knew. I knew that. (She opens a drawer.)
Sam No, the second one down.
Rosie Yep. Just checking we had enough – of these wooden spoons.
Sam You appear to have dozens of them.
Rosie Yep. I’m mad about them as well. (Rosie takes some assorted cutlery from the second drawer and during the next lays it somewhat haphazardly around the table.) Hey! I just thought of a joke. Knocky, knocky …
Sam Sorry?
Rosie Knocky, knocky … You say, whosa there?
Sam Whosa there?
Rosie Emilio.
Sam Emilio who?
Rosie Emilio’s always a nicer when there’s a two of you to eat it. Boom-boom.
Sam shakes his head.
You get it? Knocky, knocky …
Sam Whosa there thissa time?
Rosie Harmonia.
Sam Harmonia who?
Rosie Harmonia here for the pasta.
Sam Knocky, knocky …
Rosie Whosa there now?
Sam Eustacia.
Rosie Eustacia who?
Sam Eustacia much longer making these terrible jokes, I throw you outta the window into the river, OK?
Rosie OK.
Sam has poured the boiling water from the kettle into the saucepan ready for the gnocchi. He places it on the stove to simmer. He locates an apron in a drawer and puts it on. He rinses his hands under the tap and dries them. He now takes the prepared gnocchi verdi mixture out of its container and starts to mould it on the chopping board. Rosie watches him.
Is thissa the gnocchi? Sorry. Is this the gnocchi?
Sam Right.
Rosie Can I have a go?
Sam Wash your hands.
Rosie Yes, Dad. (She rinses her hands somewhat cursorily. She rejoins Sam at the board.) What do I do?
Sam Here. Do what I’m doing. Just roll a little of it out and when you’ve got it the right diameter then you just break a little off and roll it into little balls, you see –
Rosie Little balls …
Sam About two centimetres diameter …
Rosie Tiny. (starting to roll her portion of the mix) Am I doing it right?
Sam You’re doing just fine.
Rosie Tell me when it’s long enough?
Sam A little more. Use both hands, just gentle, even pressure. That’s it … Beautiful.
Rosie Can I taste a little?
Sam
No, you wait till it’s cooked.
Rosie What if I can’t wait?
Sam You can wait. It always tastes better if you wait. Good. Now break a little off, like this – and just roll it between your palms …
Sam demonstrates. Rosie copies him. They both roll their separate balls of dough but their eyes increasingly make contact.
If your hands get a little sticky …
Rosie … they’re getting a little bit sticky …
Sam … dip them in the flour … like this …
He puts his hands into the loose flour on the chopping board. Rosie does the same.
Rosie What do I do with my little ball when I’ve finished with it …?
Sam You put it down on the board and you do it all over again …
Rosie Again?
Sam And again and again …
Rosie And again …? I’ll tell you something.
Sam What?
Rosie We’ll be lucky if we get to eat this meal tonight …
Suddenly Sam grabs hold of her. She seizes him in turn. They kiss. No tender first exploratory kiss but the full works first time. He grabs her bottom and lifts her. She wraps her legs around his waist. Sam carries her to the table. They kiss the while.
(coming up for air) Oh, I needed that!
Sam (likewise) Oh, God …
Rosie Come on! Come on! Knocky! Knocky! (as she lands on the table) Ah!
Sam You alright?
Rosie There’s a fork sticking in my bum – don’t worry, don’t stop, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine …
Sam starts to lever off his shoes with his other foot, whilst simultaneously unfastening his trousers under the apron. Rosie, still on her back on the table, attempts the Houdini-esque feat of trying to take off her tights.
Sam (as he fumbles) … hang on … just hang on …
Rosie (as she wriggles) … why the hell did I bother to put tights on …? Bloody control tights at that …
Sam Control tights?
Rosie (breathless) They’re all she had in her drawer.
Sam (who now has his trousers down past his knees) Whose drawer?
Rosie (almost too far gone to think straight) My – my mother’s drawer.
Sam Your mother?
Damsels in Distress Page 10
