by Will Hill
He did not deserve them.
But something had happened in the Fraternité’s dining room; he had felt something change within himself. He did not know if it was the brazen, pathetic nature of Dante’s deception, or the revulsion he felt towards the pathetic, cloying sycophants the fraudulent king surrounded himself with, but when Daphne had been brought into the room, he had felt something more clearly and powerfully than anything he could remember.
He had felt guilt.
Guilt that he was a part of the dark underbelly of Paris in which girls like this were tortured and murdered, guilt that he was standing of his own free will in a club where torture and evisceration were viewed as entertainment, night after night, victim after victim. Guilt that he had let weakness and self-pity determine the path his life had taken, when he could have used the curiosities of his condition, his incredible strength and stamina, his immortality, for the good of others, rather than in the service of his own worst desires. And guilt over the things he had done, with his own two hands, things he now resolved to never speak of again, providing he survived the next night.
He knew Dante’s men would come looking for him as soon as the sun set, but felt no fear. Saving one girl did not begin to atone for the hundreds he had failed to save, for the ones he himself had helped on their way to the next life, for the harm he had done and the pleasure he had taken in it. But if it was the last thing he did, if it turned out to be the final deed of his long life, he believed he could be content.
But as he stared towards the east, he realised that he was lying to himself.
He wasn’t content for this to be his end; moreover, he would not permit it to be. He was suddenly full of a fire he had not felt in many decades, as if his soul had been pulled from his body and held up to the sun, cleansing it and filling him with a righteousness he would not have believed he was capable of.
He would atone for the evil he had done.
Even if it took him until the end of eternity.
28
THINK BUT THIS AND ALL IS MENDED
When everyone had finished eating, in Matt’s case so much that he was leaning back in his chair, holding his stomach with both hands and letting out the occasional groan, Jamie spoke to the two girls sitting opposite him.
“Can you meet me in my quarters in fifteen minutes?” he asked. “There are some things I need to say, to both of you.”
The girls glanced at each other, and despite the realisation that had flooded through him only moments earlier, that he was the source of the problems that had grown up around and between them, the gesture still annoyed him.
Ignore it. Just let it go. It’s not their fault, it’s yours.
“I can,” said Kate, and looked over at Larissa, who nodded.
“Me too,” said the vampire. “I’ll see you both there.”
With that, she was up and away from the table, her tray in her hands, heading for the exit. Kate waited a few extra seconds, then stood up, said goodbye to Matt and disappeared in the same direction, leaving the two boys alone.
“Oh wow,” said Matt, distantly. “I’m so, so full. I haven’t eaten that much in years.”
“Feeling better?” asked Jamie, smiling.
“Not at this precise moment, to be fair,” grinned Matt. “But generally speaking, a lot better, thanks.”
“You feel like you can walk?” Jamie asked. “I need to show you how to get back to the dormitory before I take care of something.”
“No problem,” replied Matt, and then groaned as he levered himself to his feet. He stood unsteadily for a moment, then smiled at Jamie. “Let’s go,” he said. “I don’t think it would be wise for you to keep those two waiting.”
“You’ve no idea,” replied Jamie with a smile.
The two boys walked out of the dining hall and along the long central corridor of Level G. As they walked, Jamie began to explain to Matt the rough layout of the Loop, the spherical base that was the heart of Department 19. The vast majority of the facility was beneath the ground; only the huge hangar, the Ops and Briefing Rooms, and the Communications and Surveillance Divisions were located in the wide metal bubble that rose from the grass and tarmac.
“Think of it like a ball,” said Jamie. “There’s a reinforced concrete wall that runs all the way through the base, from top to bottom; in there are the main corridors, the lift shafts, the seismic dampeners, the steel struts, everything you would expect. So really, it’s like two semi-circular bases separated by long, straight corridors along the middle of each level, like this one. So at the top, one whole side to the west of the central corridor is the hangar, then the other side is offices. The same shape applies all the way down; Operator quarters, dormitories, labs, gyms, shops, everything you need to run a facility this size, arranged either side of the central corridors. Right down to the bottom.”
“What’s down there?” asked Matt, fascinated. “At the very bottom, I mean.”
“The power plant, water purification, seismic monitoring equipment,” replied Jamie. “Or so I’m told at least; I’ve never been down there.”
“Is it restricted?” asked Matt.
“Not that I know of,” replied Jamie, noting the curious expression on the teenager’s face. “Why d’you ask?”
“I just think it would be fascinating,” said Matt, eagerly. “I can’t believe you haven’t explored every inch of this place.”
Jamie laughed. “I see the Ops Room, the Briefing Rooms, the officers’ mess, the dining hall, the hangar and, when I’m lucky, my quarters. I don’t really have time for much else.”
“I guess not,” said Matt. His face fell for a moment, then brightened once more. “Do you think Mr Seward would let me have a look down there? If he decides to let me stay, that is.”
“Admiral Seward,” corrected Jamie, gently. “Or Director Seward. And I don’t see why not. Although I reckon we should just concentrate on persuading him to let you stay for now, OK?”
“Absolutely,” enthused Matt. “No problem.”
“Cool,” said Jamie, stepping in front of the lift and pressing the CALL button. “I’ll take you through all the levels and the rest of the base when we’ve got more time, I promise, but for now, let’s get you back to the dormitory.”
The lift arrived and the two boys stepped inside. Jamie hit the button for Level B, and the lift car rose quickly through the levels. The doors slid open and the two boys stepped out. Matt fidgeted nervously, a look of mild anxiety on his face.
“Here we are,” said Jamie, pointing to his left. “Last corridor at the end, then the second door. Got it?”
“Aren’t you coming with me?”
“My quarters are this way,” he replied, pointing in the other direction.
Matt nodded, and Jamie gave him a wide grin.
“You’ll be fine,” he said. “There’ll be an Operator outside the dormitory door to let you in. There’s nothing you need to be doing right now, so just try and get some rest. I’ll come and get you as soon as I hear anything.”
Jamie was very familiar with the secure dormitory where Matt had been placed; it was the same room that Frankenstein had taken him to when he first arrived at the Loop, months earlier.
“All right,” said Matt. “Thanks, Jamie. And good luck with Kate and Larissa.”
“Cheers,” he replied, and laughed. “I think I’m going to need it.”
Jamie made his way along Level B towards his quarters, trying to work out in his head what he was going to say to Kate and Larissa. As he approached his room, he saw the two girls standing outside the door, leaning against the wall.
Not a good sign, he thought.
Both the girls knew the code to open his door, had let themselves in hundreds of times. But this was not one of those times; they were waiting silently for him to arrive, eyeing him steadily as he approached them.
“All right?” he asked, his voice full of forced levity.
Neither girl replied. Larissa raised her eyebr
ows a fraction, in what he hoped might be a gesture of encouragement, but Kate remained impassive.
“OK,” he said, and held his ID against the panel beside the door. It unlocked with a heavy thud, and he pushed it open. He held it wide, and the two girls stepped silently inside the room. Jamie took a deep breath and followed them, closing the door behind him.
For a long, painfully awkward moment, the three of them stood in the small room, unsure of how to proceed; the dimensions of the room forced them into a proximity that was clearly uncomfortable for all.
Jamie hesitated, then pulled the chair out from beneath his desk and turned it into the room. He waited to see if there would be a response, and when one failed to materialise, he sat down in the chair. The two girls remained standing for a few remarkably uncomfortable seconds, then sat down on the edge of his narrow bed, facing him. Their faces wore expressions of expectation.
Just do this, he told himself. Get on with it already.
“I’ve been an idiot,” said Jamie, and was heartened to see the sudden widening in both girls’ eyes. “I’ve been stupid, and unfair, and I let you both down. There are lots of things I want to say, but the most important one is simply this: I’m really, really sorry. Kate, it was my idea that Larissa and me should lie to you about us, and Larissa, I know I’ve been putting the Department first, that I’ve been pulling away from you. I’m really, really sorry.”
“Jamie,” said Kate, gently. “It’s not all your fault. I kept secrets too.”
“About you and Shaun,” said Jamie. “I know. But you wouldn’t have felt you had to if Larissa and I hadn’t kept you in the dark about what was happening between us. And like I said, that was my idea.”
“Hey,” protested Larissa. “I went along with it. It’s my fault too.”
“That’s right,” said Jamie. “You went along with it, because I told you it was the best thing to do. I know you never agreed with me, I know how much you hated lying to Kate; you only did it because you trusted me, and I was wrong. We should have been honest from the start, like we told each other we would be.”
The two girls looked at each other, and something passed between them: a moment of unexpected peace, in which Jamie hoped lay the shoots of recovery.
“We understand, Jamie,” said Larissa, softly. “Both of us understand what it’s been like for you since Lindisfarne, how much your life has changed. We get it, we really do, and neither of us has ever wanted to make it any harder for you than it already is. We see how happy being here makes you, how you get to feel like you belong to something for the first time, how you can be proud of your name and what it stands for. That was never the problem; the problem was it started to feel like you were turning your back on us, like we were losing you, losing each other, over nothing. Does that make any sense at all?”
Jamie felt a deep pang of shame stab at his heart; what Larissa was describing was the exact realisation that it had taken him months to come to.
“It does,” he said, softly. “I see it now.”
“It’s all right,” said Larissa. “Really it is. We’re just glad you realised it eventually.” Then she smiled at him, really smiled at him, for what felt like the first time in ages, and Jamie realised he had been a fool. There was no prestige, no pride to be gained from keeping things from his friends, from hoarding exclusivity as though it was something real, something that mattered.
No more secrets, he thought. No more lies.
Jamie leant forward and smiled at the two girls.
“Can you keep a secret?” he asked.
“That depends,” said Kate, curiosity rising instantly on her face, “on how big it is.”
“It’s pretty big,” said Jamie, and started to talk.
87 DAYS TILL ZERO HOUR
29
IN CONVERSATION WITH A MONSTER
The following morning, Jamie Carpenter leapt out of bed more easily than he had in months.
His mind was usually heavy when he awoke, weighed down by tiredness and worry; this morning, it was as light as a feather. The conversation with Larissa and Kate had done him enormous good, as had unburdening his last remaining secret to them, a secret he had told nobody else and only one other person in the entire Loop had known about. It was as though someone had crawled in through his ear in the night and scrubbed his brain clean. Even the meeting he had agreed to have with Valentin Rusmanov, which was due to begin in less than half an hour, could not dampen his spirits.
Jamie towelled himself dry, smiling as he remembered the looks on the girls’ faces as he told them his secret, pulled on his black uniform and set out for the lift. He walked quickly, partly because his good mood was filling him with energy, and partly because he didn’t want to keep Admiral Seward waiting.
The Director’s faith in him, the almost paternal attitude he had begun to adopt, was something that Jamie had come to greatly appreciate and, in the absence of his own father, begun to rely on.
Admiral Seward was not affectionate towards him, not even close, but he treated him with the same respect he treated anyone else, without making his age a factor, either positively or negatively. For Jamie, who had spent two years angry at a father he had believed had betrayed not only his family but also his country, and who had been without a constant male role model even after his father’s memory had been rehabilitated, it was exactly what he needed; someone who believed that he could be trusted, who could look after himself, and others.
He reached the lift at the end of the long corridor and pressed the CALL button. He was thinking about the kiss Larissa had given him as the two girls left his quarters the previous night, the first time they had ever kissed in front of Kate, who had giggled of course, but then averted her eyes with a wide smile on her face. The kiss had been filled with the same fire as their very first, fire that seemed to burn everything else away, everything but the two of them, that roared and spun and made him feel like they were the only two people in the world. This kiss had not been quite the same, as first kisses are unique, and impossible to recreate.
It was close, though, thought Jamie. Pretty damn close.
The lift doors slid open and Jamie stepped into the car, nodding to an Operator he knew slightly, one of the many almost-familiar faces that populated the Loop. It was not a place in which it was easy to get to know people; Operators spent the vast majority of their time with their squad mates, on missions in far-flung corners of the country, and beyond. When they were actually off duty, most fled for the warmth of their beds.
Some frequented the officers’ mess for drinks, or a cigar, or a game of cards, but it was largely the older generation of Blacklight that inhabited the dark, wood-panelled room. They had been Operators before the title existed, before the explosion of vampire numbers in the 1980s and 1990s brought with it triple shifts and endless days without sleep. Most of them were now on the inactive list, and were content to while away their remaining years until retirement swapping stories and toasting fallen friends in the warmth of the mess. Much of the time, Jamie envied them.
The lift drew to a halt on Level A, and Jamie walked quickly down the corridor. He nodded to the Operator stationed outside Admiral Seward’s quarters, knocked on the door and waited. After a couple of seconds, it swung slowly open. Jamie stepped inside to see the Director in his usual position, seated at his desk behind a mountain of paperwork.
“Lieutenant Carpenter,” said Seward, glancing up from a report he was making notes in the margin of. “At ease.”
Jamie waited for the Director to finish what he was doing, his hands crossed loosely behind his back. Seward traced the final paragraph of the report with the tip of his pen, swore loudly, crossed out the entire paragraph, and then shoved the paper aside and looked up at Jamie.
“Feels like half the Operators in the Department are trying to win creative writing prizes,” he said. “What happened to facts? Just the simple facts of the matter, in plain language?”
“I don’t know, sir,” re
plied Jamie. “Writing reports is pretty dull, sir. Maybe people are trying to make it more fun.”
“It’s paperwork, Jamie,” snapped Admiral Seward. “It’s bloody red tape. It isn’t supposed to be fun.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Good,” said Seward, and smiled at Jamie. “Glad we’ve got that sorted.”
“Me too, sir,” replied Jamie, a smile of his own threatening to emerge.
“How are you feeling about this morning, Jamie?” asked Seward. “Ready for your meeting with Valentin?” There was a slight hitch in the Director’s voice, which Jamie realised was concern.
He doesn’t want me to do it, thought Jamie. He doesn’t think it’s safe. He doesn’t want me to go down there on my own.
“I’m fine, sir,” he replied, feeling a slow warmth in his chest. “It’s got to be done.”
Seward looked at him for a long moment, then nodded. “I suppose it does,” he said. “It feels completely wrong to be sending you in there on your own, but I can’t think of any other solution.”
“Nor can I, sir.”
There was a moment’s silence, in which many things went unsaid between the boy and the middle-aged man, and then Seward grabbed for a sheet of paper on his desk, and they returned to business.
“I spoke to Professor Talbot,” said Admiral Seward. “Last night. I asked him about your new friend, Mr Browning.”
“What did he say, sir?” asked Jamie, excitedly. If Matt was allowed to stay at the Loop in any sort of capacity, it would be a huge victory.
