Chapter 4
“Gott, we Denke for this meal we are about to receive.” Jonah begins the prayer for the meal to celebrate his niece’s arrival in their home. Emma is nervous throughout the whole recital, and not only because the food has indeed turned cold during the time the menner were out searching for her. She has been assured that this is not as big a problem as she is working herself up to believe it is. More than this, Emma is fearful that the dinner guests are going to pick up on her lack of knowledge concerning distinctly Amish faith. She is at a loss as to what to do during her uncle’s prayer, apart from stay politely silent, and as it draws to a close she releases a breath she hadn’t known she had been holding. She’s relieved that no one seems to have picked up on inner turmoil.
“Tell us Emma, do you have faith in Gott?” Daniel asks suddenly, just as the girl had thought she had escaped any scrutiny. Now she can feel all eyes on her as the dinner guests wait for a response. Benjamin starts to say something to excuse her growing hesitation in answering, but his daed raises a hand slightly, motioning for him to remain as patient as everyone else and allow for Emma to make a response of her own.
“Yes, I do.” Is all the girl can think to say in the end and she knows just how unconvincing she must sound, after keeping everybody waiting for so long. Regardless, people around her continue enjoying their meal, none of them seeing a need to press timid girl any further. None, apart from Daniel that is.
“Ah, that is gutt.” He smiles, seeming to be pleased with Emma’s given answer at first. “But that being the case, could you not have found comfort in Gott during the troubles your Ant and Uncle have told me you were having in the city? You didn’t need to come here to show your faith in Gott Emma, he can be found in any place that there is faith in him.”
Emma can understand what the mann is telling her, but that doesn’t change the way she is feeling in her heart. Her reasons for coming to live with Ruth and Jonah aren’t to do with a lack of want to have faith in Gott in the same way these people do, rather to try and re-instill that faith she once had in her younger days, when her family had been the main influences over her religion and not the wider urbanized society she has been living in before coming to this place so recently. However well meant Daniel’s words may have been, they leave Emma hurt that she may never be as welcomed into this Amish community as she hopes to be, that she’ll never be able to live up to their expectations. Unable to stay calm in the midst of these concerns any longer, Emma rises from her chair, her food untouched, and walks out of the haus for the second time tonight.
“Daed.” Benjamin stands also, breaking the silence that has fallen over the room due to Emma’s unannounced departure. “May I be excused also?” He questions Daniel. The mann is reluctant to agree to this at first, knowing that the boy most likely wishes to find and comfort the girl.
“… You may.” He finally agrees, seeing that there is little use in trying to keep his son and Emma apart if they so truly hope to be around each other as they had appeared back at the stables. As soon as the request is accepted, Benjamin too leaves the haus, immediately setting out to find Emma once again.
* * *
“My daed meant no offence Emma.” It turns out Benjamin doesn’t have so far to go in search of the girl as he did before the dinner. He finds her sitting on a chair of the porch just outside her family’s home and is quick to try and ease any concerns she may have with these words he speaks.
“I know that.” Emma lets the young mann know, but it’s clear that there’s something still troubling her as she avoids looking into those eyes of his that she so loves as she says this. Benjamin sits down in the chair across the other side of the porch from her, patiently waiting for her to say what she is yet to. Cicadas chattering can be heard all around to ease the silences out here at least.
“It wasn’t his words that made me want to leave. Yet I feel… I feel so out of place sitting around that table with you all. I know I haven’t had the same teachings but I’ve always tried to lead a faithful life. Seeing everyone back there, who can trust so much more easily in both God, and each other, than I can… it’s enough to make me feel ashamed to even be trying to follow in the same way of life.” Emma reveals her deepest concerns that she’s strived to keep hidden, even from her family, all this time.
“You’ve got nothing to be ashamed about.” Benjamin says this with such conviction that the words do finally cause Emma to look his way. Even this short sentence is enough to start giving the woman hope when spoken by the mann she is slowly beginning to fall in love with. “Our way of life can take some getting used to, in the same way as I likely wouldn’t know what to make of living in the city.” Benjamin smiles at the thought of what Joshua would think if he could hear him saying this now, after the conversations they were having earlier. His strong desire to travel to the city really does seem to have calmed so quickly through the course of only today, it seems.
“But if our way of life, that faith and trust in Gott, is something you would truly like to be a part of Emma, each and every one of us is going to be here to support you in that. To be the ones to discourage someone’s faith in Gott is the last thing any of us would want, my daed included.” He assures Emma, truly hoping that all of these words, spoken from the heart, will be enough to take her worries away more completely. He finds himself disliking seeing her so sad very much.
“You’re such a kind mann.” She finally smiles at Benjamin, a true smile that shows his words may have really gotten through to her. That makes him feel more accomplished than all of the work that he’s completed today, no, throughout the whole of this harvest season. And not only because talking about such matters has always seemed such a task for him in the past. When this woman is the one that he is seeking to comfort, it appears those illusive words come to him all the easier in fact.
“But where am I ever going to start, working my way towards this way of life?” She asks and Benjamin soon picks up on the concern starting to creep back into her voice and expression. “There’s so much to learn.” She looks away again, her head filling with worries.
“You can start,” Benjamin begins as he rises from his seat and walks over, his golden curls swaying as he does so and glistening beautifully in the moonlight, Emma notices as she looks up at the mann “by coming back to dinner.” He invites with a warm smile as he offers out his hand to help her to her feet. The hand is the rough one of a working mann, Emma can feel as she cautiously takes it in her own soft one, but the grip is gentle and loving as he leads her back into the haus, both liking the feel of the others hand in their own despite the differences.
* * *
There is surprise on each of the diners’ faces as Benjamin and Emma make their return to the dining room table. They let go of each others’ hand only once they have arrived at their destination and still they glance at the hands they have had to release briefly, before returning to their separate seats at the table. There’s so much more distance between them now than they want there to be.
“You two seem to be getting along well.” Joshua smiles once Benjamin’s seated and everyone around the boys has yet again restarted the conversations they were having, without any more interruptions to be had. “Have you asked her about the city yet?”
“Hmm?” Benjamin only now brings his gaze away from Emma to turn to his friend. “Ach, there is no need for that anymore.” He dismisses the very idea of travelling to the city as though it has never meant anything to him and finally begins to eat the meal before him, only to find that it is well and truly stone cold, after being left for so long. Not wanting to be wasteful, he presses on eating, but Joshua’s blue eyes widen in surprise at the younger mann’s sudden change of heart.
“Truly?” He asks. He makes sure to check that Benjamin’s daed is not listening to the conversation, before continuing in a whisper. “But you seemed so fond of the idea of travelling there before.” It isn’t that Joshua isn’t pleased that his friend’s decided
against the reckless behavior he had been exhibiting, but he would like to know the reason behind it. Benjamin takes longer than necessarily needed to chew and swallow his mouthful, as though granting himself the chance to think of an appropriate response, before answering.
“… I suppose now, I’ve found a reason to stay.” Benjamin looks over at Emma again as he says this. He smiles fondly, though she does not appear to have noticed him looking. She seems to be having the same problem he has, with her food understandably being so cold now. She too is struggling to eat the meal nonetheless, perhaps not wanting to be rude, and in that way already showing her want to be accepted into the Amish way of life.
“So soon?” Benjamin can barely hear Joshua question him again. “But the two of you have known each other for only hours, if that.” The older mann risks raising his voice in an attempt to regain Benjamin’s attention. It’s Daniel though, who starts to take notice of what the boy’s are talking about.
“What is this?” Benjamin’s daed asks, and Joshua sinks in his seat, hoping for his mostly one sided conversation to go forgotten. Daniel turns his attention to his love-struck son instead. “Benjamin, we do not yet know how truly faithful Emma is going to be.” He tells the boy discreetly. Those words soon snap Benjamin’s attention to what is being said to him, a look of hurt mixed with some defiance held towards the accusation. “We both must know how likely it is that she will return to the city before long, unable to follow through with adapting to our lifestyle. At least take the time to get to know her, before you go rushing into things as you so often do. Once she’s baptized by the Ordnung, then you can put all of your heart into courting her.” He advises daedly, not wanting for his son to be disheartened should the relationship he hopes to start with Emma turn sour.
“Her faith in Gott is well and true daed.” Benjamin defends both Emma and his decision to start courting her. “And I have faith in her that she will be able to adapt to our way of life in time. I want to be there to support and comfort her until that time, as well as after.” Daniel shakes his head at his son’s disregard for his guidance, but again he knows that there is little he can do to deter the boy’s feelings if they are so true. Benjamin is going through Rumschpringe, after all.
One who cannot feel so inspired by Benjamin’s words this time around is Emma herself however. Though the father and son may not have meant for her to, she has overheard their conversation. With Daniel’s words sinking into her mind, her insecurities now more than ever cause her to worry that she will not be able to uphold the same faith these people do in Gott.
Chapter 5
Emma goes out early the next morning to dutifully feed the horses. The sky is still but a lightening grey as she makes her way back to the stables she had discovered the whereabouts of yesterday. She stays with the animals longer still, once they are finished eating. In a way she feels less judged by them than around people, despite the troubles she had with that one chestnut mare yesterday evening. She strokes this one’s face gently even so, hoping to make amends. The mare pulls away at first, but soon enough lets Emma’s hand run soothingly down her nose. She brays lightly as her and the girl share an unspoken understanding with each other, looking into each others’ eyes.
“You’re braver than I expected.” Emma jumps at the impressed sounding voice she hears spoken from the stable doorway, but quickly calms when she turns to see that it is Benjamin who has joined her out here. The mare pulls away with a snort, seeming to be more offended than Emma at being caught showing her such kindness. Benjamin smiles, shaking his head at the old animal’s well known spirited ways. “A lot of girls I know would be too scared to set foot in a barn the day after they were spooked there.” The boy continues as he makes his way over to Emma. “You looked scared when I found you here yesterday anyway.” He backtracks a little from the route his words had been taking. The last thing he wants to do is offend this young woman.
“Oh…” Emma looks down, a little embarrassed by the reminder of how her first time meeting Benjamin started out. “Well you see, I’ve always loved horses. I don’t want to let one small problem stop me from feeling that way about such beautiful creatures.”
“Have you ever ridden one?” Benjamin asks. This may not be a pastime most Amish boys take part in, but he’s always had a great fondness for the horses he has grown up around. If this is something Emma would like also, he is even more interested.
“No. You don’t see many horses living in the city, so I’ve never gotten the chance.” Emma smiles coyly. Maybe her admittance of this is going to make her love for horses appear foolish in Benjamin’s eyes.
“Then I can show you how.” He surprises her by telling her this instead. There’s definitely some excitement to be seen in Emma as she looks up at the mann again, with such happiness. That’s enough to make Benjamin reluctant to say what he has to tell her next. He prefers to remain caught up again in the same silent understanding the two have for each other, very much similar to the one Emma found whilst looking into the horse’s eyes.
“But first, there is work to be done.” He eventually reveals. He walks over the pitchforks, shovels and wheelbarrow he brought with him when he first entered the barn. “These are working horses, rather than ones for riding, but they need their stalls cleaning like any others.” He notices Emma’s disappointment as he returns to her with the tools. “Once the work’s done for the day, I can show you how to ride.” He reminds her kindly.
A chore such as this might be something Emma’s resistant to at first, but working in Benjamin’s company, and with the promise he’s made to teach her to ride once the pair of them have finished all of their work for the day, she soon settles into the cleaning out of the horses.
“Are all of the horses like this one?” She asks as she approaches the chestnut mare she had been saving until last, before daring to enter her stall again. The animal stomps in response to Emma’s entry, but does nothing else to stop her work. The young woman is still cautious though, looking to Benjamin for confirmation that she will be safe here. He’s finished his tasks as quickly as always, so comes over to offer his support.
“No. They’re all nicer than her. At least, they’ve never given me any trouble.” He says, leaning over the half-door to watch Emma timidly work her way around the big work animal. “Her name’s Jude. She’s always had a bit more character this one, I’m not sure why. Maybe she likes to think she’s the one in charge.” Benjamin can’t help feeling a little sorry for the girl as the mare they’re both talking about swishes her tail, causing Emma to jump back in apprehension again. “She won’t hurt you, but… try and let her know who the boss is. She’ll only take advantage of you if she knows you’re scared.” In addition to the wise words Benjamin gives Emma, he gives the mare a stern stare as well, which she shrinks back from and stops picking on the girl in the stall with her quite so much. Even she can tell the mann’s want to protect Emma from any harm, it seems.
* * *
“I’ve been waiting for you.” Emma smiles dreamily as Benjamin rides up on a well tempered dark brown horse later that day. Once they’d finished their work in the stables he had headed straight out the fields to bring in more of the harvest throughout the day. Emma had finished the simpler tasks to ease her into the Amish lifestyle slowly, then awaited the return of the mann. She’s been sitting out on the porch for the most part of the day, longing to see him again.
“I’m an honest mann Emma.” He smiles down at her from the gelding. “I always keep my promises.” Emma feels the faith she’s already found she can have in this mann flowing over her body. It leaves her feeling warm and deeply cared for as she gets to her feet and makes her way over to Benjamin and his horse. “For you, I’ve picked out the gentlest horse my family owns.” He tells her, keeping his own horse’s pace slow as he leads the way, the girl walking alongside the animal. “His name’s Joseph. I truly believe he’ll suit you, with your own kindly nature Emma.” He gazes at her fondly as the horse conti
nues down the road; he knows where he’s going even without his rider’s steering. There’s so little to distract the young lovers from their admiration for each other as they make their way to the young gelding Benjamin has put so much thought into picking out for Emma to ride for her first time.
“He really is beautiful.” Emma breaths as she lays eyes on the small black horse once they arrive. The dark pools of his delicately lashed eyes truly show the kind hearted nature Benjamin mentioned as he walked Emma here. The pony rubs his nose against Emma affectionately as she pats the side of his long neck. Perhaps some may say that Benjamin comparing her to a horse isn’t the most thoughtful of compliments the boy could have offered, but knowing that he may see her as loving and pleasant to be around as this animal pleases Emma just fine.
“Well I brought you here to ride, not to just pet him.” Benjamin tells her as he jumps down from the horse he’s been riding thus far. He goes to fetch a saddle and reins fit for the young pony. Emma can only stare at these in confusion when the mann presents them to her. He’s confused by her reaction, or lack thereof, himself until the reason behind it occurs to him. “Are you sure a cat isn’t more the sort of animal for you?” He teases her lightly.
“I love all of God’s animals.” She tells him with caring warmth. Benjamin smiles at the pleasantness this brings him as he sets about showing the young woman how the place and fasten the saddle and reins onto the patient pony.
“Do you need any help getting up?” The blond asks once he’s satisfied with the placement and security of the riding equipment; Emma is really a fast learner, he can see. There is no doubt in his mind that she will be able to learn and uptake all aspects of the Amish lifestyles, regardless of Daniel’s warnings.
Everlasting Amish Love (Amish Romance): Amish Love Stories Series: Emma & Benjamin Page 3
