by Erika Wilde
He swore beneath his breath, frustration and something akin to longing swirling in his gaze. “Your love isn’t something I deserve. And I can’t, in good conscience, give it back to you.”
“Why not?” she said around the knot in her throat.
“Because it means you’ll wait for me, with all that love in your heart,” he said, his voice sounding as though it had been scraped raw. “And you’ll either get tired of waiting for me and move on or, worse, I won’t come back at all and it will fucking devastate you.”
She was going to be devastated if he left her anyway, but she refused to even entertain the thought or possibility of him never coming back. “If I know you love me, I’ll wait forever for you,” she said, meaning it.
Visibly angry and miserable at the same time, he jammed his hands on his hips, his gaze suddenly narrowing harshly. “Do you want kids?” he asked, his tone blunt.
His unexpected question startled her, but her reply was immediate. “Yes. Of course I want kids.” She also wanted a husband and family and knew this man in front of her could be all that and more.
“And what will you tell them when their father is killed in the line of duty?” he asked, his voice grim.
Tears burned her eyes and she did her best to blink them back. “You say that like it’s already been prophesied.”
“I’m being realistic, Summer,” he said, his voice gentling. “And I told you all this from the beginning. I can’t give you what you need. Not with me being overseas and embroiled in dangerous missions so that any contact with me would be sporadic. And if I come home, all you’ll get of me is a few weeks a year. It’s not enough to sustain a relationship, and asking you to wait for me would just make me a selfish bastard.”
She crossed her arms over her chest, trying to hold herself together. “Do you love me?” she asked, needing to know at least that much after everything they’d shared, emotionally and physically.
“What I feel doesn’t matter,” he replied, and there was no mistaking the sadness in his tone. “As much as it hurts you now, I have to let you go. It’s the right thing to do.”
There was no swaying him, she realized. She’d tried her best, had left her heart in his hands, and had failed to change his mind. Feeling her heart cracking wide open, she tossed the rest of her belongings into her suitcase and zipped it closed. Then she picked up her phone, opened an app, and arranged for a car to come and pick her up.
“I’ll take you home,” he said quietly.
“No.” She shook her head, hating the way her trembling voice betrayed her fraying emotions. “I already requested an Uber, which should be here in a few minutes.” She was on the verge of an emotional breakdown, and she couldn’t stand to draw out their goodbye any longer. “It’ll be easier on both of us this way.”
“I don’t want you leaving like this,” he said gruffly.
“Like what?” she asked, setting her bag on the floor so she could wheel it out to the curb when her car arrived.
A muscle in his jaw tensed. “Upset.”
“I’ll be fine,” she lied, and then she closed the distance between them and gave him a hug, because she needed to touch him one last time. Relief swept through her when he wrapped his arms around her and embraced her, too, holding on like he didn’t want to let her go. She believed that was true, even if his earlier words said otherwise.
Ending the hug, she stepped back and grabbed the handle of her suitcase, forcing herself to meet his tortured gaze. “Take care of yourself, Declan.”
With nothing left to say, and blinking back another hot rush of tears, she left before she broke down right there in front of him.
“I hope you know what a fucking idiot you are.”
Declan turned his head from the passenger window, where he’d been brooding and staring out at the desert landscape, and glared at Rick, who was driving him to Fort Irwin. They were about an hour outside of San Diego, and Declan had pretty much shut down any attempt at casual conversation that Rick brought up. He wasn’t in the mood to chitchat, but this blunt, insulting statement from his stepbrother was like a hot poker to his current surly attitude.
“Yeah?” he drawled, his tone deliberately rude. “And why is that?”
“You know fucking why,” Rick replied, just as annoyed and clearly not bothered by Declan’s boorish demeanor. “Because Summer is the best thing to ever happen to you. The one woman I’ve seen you want for yourself since Julianne. And instead of giving Summer some kind of hope to cling to, you just pushed her out of your life. Fucking. Idiot.”
“That’s all it fucking is,” he shot back irritably. “Just hope. No guarantees. You know that as well as I do.”
Rick cast a quick glance at Declan before returning his gaze to the road. “I also know that Summer is the kind of woman who would wait for you.”
“I refuse to ask her to do that.” He glanced back out the window, hoping it was the end of their argument.
“So you’d rather lose the one woman who means something to you?” Rick pressed, clearly not taking Declan’s cue. “Possibly to another man?”
Declan gritted his molars and decided if Rick wasn’t driving, he would have tackled him to the ground and beat the crap out of him for that comment. “I can’t afford the goddamn distraction while I’m out in the field. Thinking about her. Worrying about her when there isn’t a damn thing I can do when I’m in another country, fighting terrorists and shit. I chose this life, and this is part of the sacrifice.”
“Bullshit.” Rick’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. “You have the power to change your future. You just won’t.”
Declan thought about what Dean had said to him the previous night, which had been the equivalent of a job offer. But no matter what Declan might want in this moment, he had obligations to the military, and it was his duty to fulfill them. “It would still mean another couple years with me in combat, finishing out my current contract, and I’m not putting Summer through that. End of fucking discussion.”
Not surprisingly, Rick ignored Declan’s last statement. “I hope you don’t end up with regrets.”
Declan was already overwhelmed with them, not that his emotional state, or the awful ache in his chest, would change his mind about anything.
He glanced at Rick, needing to ask a favor. “Take care of Summer, okay?” He knew he’d all but ripped her heart out, and that was weighing heavily on his mind.
Rick frowned at him. “What do you mean?”
“You’ll see her around,” he said since they were in the same social circles with their mutual friends. “Just . . . make sure she’s okay while I’m gone.”
Rick went quiet, and Declan reiterated his request a bit more firmly. “Promise me you will.”
“I promise,” Rick finally said, giving Declan at least a small semblance of peace before he took off for his next dangerous assignment for the next year.
Chapter Twelve
For the next four months, Summer felt as though she was just going through the motions of day-to-day life. Arriving to work during the week. Evenings spent at home by herself with a microwave meal, then reading a book or watching a show before bed, which resulted in her tossing and turning for an hour or two, thinking about Declan. Hoping he was okay and missing him with every fiber of her being. And wishing that he’d call to see how she was doing and so she could hear his voice again.
Then, it was up in the morning and the mundane cycle started again. Weekends were more of the same, but Saturdays and Sundays felt so much longer and lonelier. With all her close friends in her social circle now married off and focusing on their families and significant others, for the most part, Summer was on her own and trying to figure out the next phase in her life without Declan in it. Because clearly, if he hadn’t reached out to her by now, then she had to face the realization that it most likely wasn’t going to happen at all.
She’d definitely gone through the various stages of heartbreak and learning how to cope with all t
he emotional baggage that went with it. The day Declan had left for Fort Irwin, she’d wallowed in denial and despair, her crying jags nearly nonstop for the next two weeks. Then came anger, a defense mechanism that helped to mask the deeper pain of losing him, and how easily—in her mind—he’d walked away, even though rationally she knew letting her go had been just as difficult for him. She’d punched her pillow more times than she could count in irritable outbursts and wished it was Declan’s chest she was pounding on, which had helped make her feel a tad better.
Depression and being numb to everything around her had taken hold for a while after that, and now she felt as though she was entering the acceptance phase of her grief. Accepting Declan wasn’t going to call or reach out to her. Accepting he wasn’t coming back anytime soon. And the hardest one of all: accepting she needed to try and move on without him. Possibly attempt to date again, even if her mind kept rejecting the idea. Emotionally, she wasn’t sure she was ready to put herself out there again.
Since Declan’s return to the army, Rick checked in with her frequently through texts to make sure she was doing okay, and at least once a month, he insisted on taking her to dinner, which Summer appreciated. She enjoyed his company and his ability to make her laugh and smile when she felt so empty inside, but sometimes seeing Rick made her remember everything she’d lost, too. And when they parted ways and she returned to the solitude of her tiny studio apartment, that feeling of isolation settled over her like a suffocating blanket all over again. It was a vicious emotional cycle she was beginning to resent.
With it being a Friday, Summer wasn’t looking forward to another miserable weekend all by her pathetic self. It was near closing time at Couture Corset, and she could already feel the dread settling in.
“Any plans for the weekend?” Paige asked, pulling Summer from her dismal thoughts, though her question just made her feel worse because she had absolutely nothing to look forward to.
“Nothing too exciting,” Summer said, trying to sound nonchalant as she cleaned up the scraps of fabric on the cutting table in the back room. “Although I do need to pack up my apartment, but that won’t take long since I don’t have a lot of extraneous stuff.”
To add to the rest of Summer’s distress and upheaval, two weeks ago she’d received a notification that her landlord wouldn’t be renewing her lease at the end of the month. The older man had been apologetic, stating that his grandson needed a place to stay while attending college nearby, which meant Summer was left scrambling to find another apartment she could afford to rent. Paige paid her well, but living in San Diego didn’t come cheap. She liked being able to pay all her bills as well as adding to her savings account every month.
“Have you found another place yet?” Paige asked around the straight pin between her lips as she tacked delicate lace to a custom corset design for Summer to start sewing Monday morning.
Summer shook her head as she folded a large cut of chiffon material. “No. I’m still looking.”
Paige bent low and placed a few more straight pins along the hemline. “You know, if you need a place to stay for a while, you can stay in our guest room. I’m sure Sawyer would be fine with that.”
Summer refused to impose on her friend, who had a husband and toddler at home to take care of. “Thank you for the offer, but I’m sure I’ll find something.” Even if it meant renting a by-the-week motel room until something in her price range came along.
Finished with her pinning, Paige straightened, stretched her back, then came around the table to Summer, her eyes warm and kind. “So . . . I know this might be a sensitive subject, but the girls and I have been talking, and we all agree that you need another night at The Players Club.”
Summer’s mouth dropped open in shock, and it took her a moment to close it and respond. “What? I can’t do that,” she said automatically.
“Why not?” Paige’s deliberate gaze never wavered. “Declan has been gone four months with no word from him. He’s the one who broke things off with you, and you’ve spent more than enough time mourning the loss.”
Summer couldn’t argue that last statement. At some point she needed to date again, but still . . . “It just doesn’t feel right.” And she was beginning to wonder if the thought of having another man in her life ever would.
“Honey, it’s not like you’re cheating on him,” Paige said, trying to alleviate Summer’s hesitation. “Women enjoy sex just as much as any man, and the girls and I agree that it’s time for you to get back up on the horse, so to speak.”
Summer laughed at the metaphor. “So, I need to find myself a cowboy?” she teased.
“Whatever rocks your world,” Paige said with a grin, then grew serious once again. “Trust me. The first time putting yourself back out there after an emotional breakup is always the hardest. But I really do think that enjoying a hot night of mindless sex at The Players Club is the first step in putting Declan behind you.”
The problem was, Summer didn’t want to put him behind her. But she also knew she couldn’t pine for him forever and continue living the same monotonous life, every single day, without at least trying to change things up.
Paige grabbed her hands, squeezing them gently. “You can’t keep going on the way you have,” she said, reiterating Summer’s thoughts. “It’s not healthy to live in this kind of limbo, and maybe just getting out of your head for a night and feeling something other than anger or heartache will be the catalyst to moving forward. You don’t need to fall in love with anyone. You just need to feel like you’re in control of your life and emotions again.”
Paige’s words definitely resonated with Summer, because for the past four months, she had allowed Declan to have too much power over her fluctuating moods.
Walking away for a moment, Paige withdrew an envelope from her desk drawer and came back to Summer, extending what she knew was an invite to the club. “Here. Take this and just think about everything I’ve said.”
Summer didn’t argue. With the envelope tucked in her purse, she left the shop for the weekend, mulling over everything Paige had said to her, all of which made sense on so many levels. That Friday evening, she went to bed giving Paige’s idea serious consideration, and by Saturday morning, she’d decided she wanted—no, she desperately needed—to feel something other than the hurt and anger she’d lived with for the past four months.
She wanted to experience pleasure instead of the constant grief tightening her chest. She wanted to find a man who’d take her out of her head for a little while and give her an escape from the loneliness overwhelming her. And instead of going to a random bar and picking up an arbitrary stranger to go home with, at least The Players Club offered safe and consensual sex in a regulated environment. A place where she could lose herself in the sublime bliss of being dominated and not feel shame. Nor would she have to worry about any awkward morning-after scenarios as long as she made her one-night-only deal clear up-front. For her, this was all about escapism, nothing more.
As she got out of bed for the day—when she normally slept until noon on a Saturday because she had nothing else to do—she felt a small shift inside her, like she was taking the first productive step to rebuilding her confidence to finally move on.
A glimmer of anticipation flowed through her, and Summer smiled, realizing it was the first time in four months that she felt optimistic about the future.
Rick prowled around The Players Club and through various play areas, feeling edgy and restless because it had been a while since he’d found a woman who’d captured his attention. And it didn’t escape his conscience that it was all kinds of fucked up that he was looking for a curvy blonde to play with tonight, because after seeing Summer the previous week for dinner, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her or that one erotic night he’d shared her with Declan.
Which really didn’t come as a huge surprise to Rick. During the time she’d lived with him and Declan, it had taken immense effort for Rick to keep things light and flirtatiou
s between him and Summer while respecting the boundaries that Declan had established. But there was no denying that having her around on a regular basis had increased his feelings for her, as well as his attraction to her.
His stepbrother would probably kick Rick’s ass if he knew about the impure thoughts he had toward Summer, regardless of the fact that Declan had broken up with her and insisted she move on and date other people. There was just this silent code between brothers that you didn’t make a move on their ex, no matter that they were no longer together, and that’s what Rick kept reminding himself.
Combine the added agony of Declan asking Rick to watch over Summer while he was gone, and it was just another temptation to see her, be with her, and keep his fucking hands to himself. The fact that she was still pining over Declan at least made it easier for him to keep things platonic between them.
He stopped at the balcony overlooking a lounge where men and women mingled in search of a partner for the evening before escaping to enjoy more provocative pleasures. There were plush chairs and couches, a small bar where people could order their two-drink maximum, and also more private alcoves where partners could escape to for more intimate conversations.
His bored gaze scanned the area and stopped when it landed on the backside of a curvy blonde—exactly the kind of woman he’d fantasized about hooking up with for the evening to get another out of his head. Her long hair hung in silky waves halfway down her back, and the material of her red, off-the-shoulder dress outlined her shapely figure and a rounded ass he wanted to do dirty, filthy things to.
Unfortunately, she was talking to another man, who Rick knew as Mitchell, and they seemed to be pairing off. Disappointment tamped down Rick’s initial interest as Mitchell grabbed her hand and led her toward one of the private alcoves. Except when she turned to sit next to the other man and Rick had a clear view of the woman’s face, shock rendered him to the spot.
