by Robin Leaf
In fact, I knew she did. We had this very discussion not even two years ago when I was up for a People’s Choice award. She even insisted I take Riley to the show as my “date.”
Truth was I still didn’t label myself. Now they added even more labels to indicate a person’s sexuality, and honestly, I probably fit some of the categories. I just didn’t want to fit into a category. I still wanted to just be… me. I’d seen too many actors be defined by things other than their acting ability. I did not want to be one of them. Labels divided. I truly felt in order to be considered equal, for everything, not just sexuality, labels needed to be eradicated. When people start getting labeled, it took away individuality.
Allison emerged from the kitchen with red-rimmed eyes and a bottle of water.
I stood. “Babe, I’m sorry. I just…”
“No, you’re right. We don’t need legality.” Smiling tightly at me before she turned to walk to our room, she threw over her shoulder, “I’m going to take a shower. Have fun moving Riley into his new house.”
“You could come with me,” I suggested. “We could use the help putting away his stuff. Then we could go out to dinner afterward.”
She stopped at the door of her room. “I’ll take you up on the dinner invite, but I have to interview a new instructor in a little while.” She smiled. “You wanna meet at that new Mediterranean restaurant around six?”
I returned her smile warily. “You know I love a good falafel.”
~~~
“I’m sorry for this morning, Darby,” Allison rushed out before I even sat down at the table. “I seem to be extra hormonal today, so ignore me.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Hormonal? I’m guessing it was not a good day?”
She blushed. “I might have yelled at the interviewee and scared him away. And I cried over a commercial.”
“Understandable. Some commercials are sad.”
“Diaper commercials starring dancing babies aren’t. I’m just…” she looked down into her glass of water, “feeling time slip away from me, I think.”
The waitress set down a glass of water and a glass of wine Ally had thoughtfully ordered for me. I thanked her, and turned my attention back to Allison.
“Time? What do you mean?”
Her face flushed again and she sighed. “Nothing.” She traced the rim of her own water glass. “How’s Riley’s house? Is it as beautiful as the pictures he sent?”
Eyeing her curiously, I wondered what she was leaving unsaid. Ultimately, I allowed the subject change.
“It’s a large house, three stories, Spanish-style architecture, right on a private beach in Malibu. It’s airy, gorgeous really, and the pictures didn’t do it justice.” After taking a sip of my wine, which she incorrectly ordered, yet again, I had to suppress my eye roll. Holy fucking Zeus, This many years together, and she can’t pay attention to a fucking wine order? I had to work to hide the face I wanted to make as I set the wineglass down.
She opened her menu and began studying her choices, so I did the same. We sat there with our noses in our menus for a few minutes before I noticed she kept glancing at me.
After a few more minutes, she absently asked. “Do you wish we lived in a house?”
I closed my menu. “No, not at all.” I moved to pick up my wineglass again, stopping myself before grabbing my water. “I may be a go-with-the-flow girl, but I really hate to move. I’m happy where we are.” I sipped my water, scrutinizing her face the same way she was scrutinizing her menu, obviously avoiding looking at me.
“Allison…” She looked up at me cautiously. “Is something on your mind?”
She shook her head, her blond hair shaking around her shoulders. “No.” Looking back at her menu, she added, “I just worry about you sometimes. You’ve seemed… distant lately.”
I wracked my brain trying to think of anything I’ve done to make me seem distant.
“I’ve been busy, but I don’t think I’ve been distant.”
She made it a point to look from one side of her menu to the other. “It’s just when you’re home, sometimes you seem… preoccupied.”
“I’m not particularly happy with this job. My co-star is a becoming increasingly difficult, and plot twist, I learned today she is a closet drunk. But other than that, nothing is on my mind.”
She looked up at me, studying me. “Hmph. That must be it.” She shrugged before looking back down. “I just want to make sure you aren’t unhappy with me.”
Damn, with the stress of that stupid series, and the diva cast to work with me, I sure as hell didn’t need to top it off with an attack of insecurity from my roommate.
Fuck. I just thought of her as my roommate.
That may have been the problem. That’s how I saw her. After all this time, I still considered her just the chick who lived with me. We still had our own rooms, opting to not share one, which was her decision since she couldn’t sleep in the same bed with me. She hated how I liked to snuggle with her.
Honestly, I never made the leap from roommate to anything… more.
She was fishing to see where I stood on this relationship. That’s what this was. The problem was I didn’t even know where I stood. I’d been holding out for someone else for so long, holding back from committing to her… happy that she was there to fill the space while I waited.
That wasn’t fair to her. It also wasn’t fair that I hid our relationship. In fact, we hadn’t been out together in a while, if much at all, ever.
I guess I could see where she was feeling… neglected. It was probably why she was grasping at straws by asking me if I wanted to get married.
“Allison,” she slowly brought her eyes to mine. “Are you mad at me for turning you down this morning?”
She shook her head. “No, Darby. You’ve made it clear from the beginning that you won’t ever get married.”
“Well, Riley and I were talking today. He is very much pro-marriage, so he suggested that if you were raised that way…”
Panic filled her eyes. “I don’t need anything, Darby.”
“Hear me out. Maybe we could do some sort of spiritual thing, like a commitment ceremony.”
She eyed me skeptically. “You’d be willing to do that.”
I took a drink, rolling a piece of ice around in my mouth for a minute. “If you need it, yes.”
“So basically, you’d only be doing it because you think it’s something I need?”
I wasn’t sure how to interpret the look on her face, but I wanted to be completely honest. “I know my beliefs are… unconventional, to say the least. If you need a ceremony or something that proves that I’m with you, I’ll do it.”
“So… Riley suggested this?”
I shook my head. “No, it was actually coincidental. We were talking about how he is single and how all the girls he meets are uninteresting or gold-digging sluts. He explained how he was raised to take commitment seriously, so he could never be with someone like me.” I looked back at my menu. “It just made me think that maybe you were raised the same way he was. It’s not fair for me to force my beliefs on you, so I decided to offer a compromise.” I looked up and smiled. “I can’t wait for the day some girl snags him and knocks him on his ass.”
She smiled and reached across the table, laying her hand on mine. “Just that you offered is enough for me.”
I took another drink of my water. “I’m sorry, babe, that I haven’t made time for you lately. What would you say if I asked you to commit one night a week, just for us.”
She brightened at that. “Like a date night? I love that idea. I’ve just missed you, so when we get home tonight, let’s look over your schedule and my set times for the next couple of weeks.” She opened her menu. “I’m in the middle of that movie featuring kids, and I’m not quite sure of rest of the schedule yet.”
“I still don’t get why they need you for a movie starring kids?”
She chuckled. “I wondered the same thing. It’s about how the kids of a sp
y become secret ninja warriors or something like that. Lots of green screen work, but the kids need to get trained in the moves. I thumbed through the script. It looks like it will be a cute movie.”
“Yeah, well, I’m glad you’re having a good time with it, but watch out. The kids I worked with on that movie with Riley were squirrelly.” Looking over my menu one last time, I added, “I like kids just fine, but those two were nightmares to work with, especially with their crazy-ass parents.”
She smiled. “I can handle it. So far, I’ve had fun with the challenge. The kids have been awesome so far. Now the adults… they’re another story.”
Twenty Eight
“How Soon is Now” – The Smiths
We rounded the corner to our apartment, and I had to close my eyes so I did not get sucked down the rabbit hole of memories from the last time a man stood at my door, the worst day of my life.
Allison’s unintelligible grumble brought me back to the present, and it alerted him to our presence.
Jase turned quickly, showing the relieved smile that lit his face, which sent butterflies through my entire body.
Shit. Why does that still happen?
Right after we have the commitment talk, he shows up. Fucking universe and its signs.
I had to take a second to calm my heart before I spoke.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? You could have joined us for dinner.”
I heard what sounded like a grunt from Allison, but I ignored it.
I walked into his arms, resuming the safe position of my head between his palm and his chest, almost forgetting she was behind us. Once I breathed him in, I let go, allowing him to quickly hug Allison.
“I actually came here on a whim.”
“That’s…” I blinked, “well, that’s just not like you.” I eyed him. “What’s wrong?”
Allison wordlessly opened our door, but Jase and I stood there, him looking like a deer in headlights, and me watching him.
“Nothing is wrong.” Before I could read him, he turned to move inside the apartment. He was dressed in one of his casual tailored button downs, but with jeans and no tie. “I had a few days, and I hadn’t seen you and Noah in, what, over a year now?” He smiled as he sat on our couch. “Things are about to get crazy for me at work, so I thought I’d surprise you.”
“Jase, would you like a beer or a glass of wine?” Allison called from the kitchen.
“A glass of wine would be great, thank you.” He looked back at me and lowered his voice. “Is something wrong with you two? I sense tension.”
“We were supposed to spend the evening together.”
He blinked and tried unsuccessfully to hide his disappointment. “Well… should I go?”
“It was a bone I threw her, after her insinuation this morning that we should get married.”
The shock on his face almost made me laugh. He didn’t work to try to cover his expression like he usually does.
“What… it’s not… legal.”
“In California, it’s actually been legal since 2013, but the whole country legalized it earlier today.”
He swallowed, suddenly looking pale. “So, are you…”
“Here you go,” Allison interrupted abruptly, practically shoving the glasses of wine at both of us. I licked my hand where the wine sloshed over the rim giving her some serious side eye.
She turned to him and forced a smile. “So Jase, what made you decide to pay us a visit?”
Her question sounded sharp… almost rude.
“Babe,” both sets of eyes turned to me, and I had to hide my smile. “I guess you didn’t hear him already answer that question. He hasn’t seen us in a year, and he had time off.”
“Hmmm,” she took a sip out of her water bottle, “still don’t have a girlfriend, I take it.”
“Ally,” I choked out, whisper-yelling through gritted teeth, “hormone check.”
She glared at me and then smiled again. “Why don’t I just go to bed then. It is rather late anyway.”
It wasn’t. It was only eight.
She looked cuttingly at Jase. “Take your time, Darby. We’ll just have to look at those schedules tomorrow night.” She turned to walk away and stopped to put a hand Jase’s shoulder. “I apologize. It really is good to see you. I’m just really tired.” she offered quietly. She walked toward her bedroom. “Enjoy your visit.”
He and I both watched her leave the room. I waited until I heard the bedroom door close before I spoke.
“So, in case you missed it from her attitude, I turned her down. I reminded her about my stance on marriage, and that I was not going to change my mind just because it’s legal. I thought we worked it out.” I looked back at him. “But she seems to still be a little butt hurt.”
Jase grinned, one of his rare, toothy grins.
“Apparently Ally’s pain makes you happy?”
“Of course not,” he answered. “I’m just happy to see you.”
I laid my head on his shoulder, causing him to promptly kiss my forehead. He tried to hide the fact that he inhaled, but I noticed and sighed.
We sat, absorbing each other’s energy. With the shit week I had, filming this dumb series and Ally’s newly-developed mood swings, it felt amazing to do just that. He never had to say a word to me, and I just felt better in his presence.
Whole.
But that overwhelming niggling tapped at my intuition, the one I felt before when I knew there was something wrong. I hadn’t felt it in a while, but I couldn’t shake it this time. I wrapped my arm around his waist and squeezed.
“Did you come to tell me something?”
I didn’t miss the way he tensed at my question.
“No, Darla. I just… needed to see you.” He tilted my head up to look me in the eyes. “I needed… this.”
I searched his perfectly-handsome-as-always face looking for signs of deception. I saw nothing but the secret he held in his brown eyes. He still loved me, just as much as ever.
His nose skimmed mine, and he inhaled again. Our faces were so close, I could feel his breath on my mouth. It was that moment when time stands still, the moment before the earth will shatter… that anticipatory second before lips meet, setting the world on fire.
I felt myself waiver, leaning in, feeling the warmth radiating from his perfect lips.
Before we made contact, I felt him sigh, releasing a breath that was pure contentment.
That sigh. It was my wake up call.
I held my hand on his chest, keeping him in place, pulled back, his lips chasing mine. Sitting up, I searched his face.
“You wanna watch a movie?” I asked.
His eyes were wide, dazed, focused on my lips. He shook his head quickly to clear the fog. “Oh, yeah,” adjusting himself on the couch, “I hoped you would ask.”
I pulled up Netflix and searched through the guide.
“What do you feel like? Comedy? Drama? Horror?”
He chuckled. “It still amazes me how far technology has come.” He turned toward me and brushed his knuckles down my face. “I’ve missed… this.”
“What? Me in yoga pants, looking gross after moving all day, smelling like a sweaty falafel?”
“No, I’ve… wait, moving?”
“I spent the afternoon helping Riley unpack the kitchen in his new house.”
He turned away from me and mumbled what sounded like “fucking Riley” under his breath. I wanted to both laugh and yell. I took a deep breath to center myself before the next words out of my mouth were screamed loud enough to wake up Allison. I went with my sweet tone.
“Look, I’m already dealing with one drama queen, I don’t need another. So please, sit back, watch your mouth, and help me choose a movie.”
He stared at me for a second before he smirked. “Yes, ma’am.”
Once he settled back into position, I rested my head on his shoulder again, and all was right with the world.
Except that I still loved him, way more than I s
hould.
~~~
The decision to take a trip to the mountain cabin was a good one. Yoga next to this stream set my mind right. Nothing but me and nature, crisp, un-polluted air to clear my subconscious and to remind me what was really important in life. I felt… serene.
There was a presence next to me. I felt his energy.
Dex. He was there, if only in spirit.
I usually felt him around me whenever I felt conflicted.
“Hey, brother,” I said to the air. “How do you always know when I need you?”
I turned my high lunge into an extended side angle pose and jumped. A large brown bear stood at his full height, baring his teeth and growling at me.
I was frozen, scared. Dex usually didn’t take form, and I’m sure he wouldn’t scare me.
“Darby,” he growled in a feminine voice.
Wait, he spoke? And he was a she?
No, it was very obviously a he.
“Dex, is that you?”
“Dar-by!” He started poking me. Where’d he get a stick?
He’s poking me? Bears don’t poke, especially with sticks. What the hell?
I grabbed the stick, trying to get it away from him. Instead, I pulled him on top of me.
Weird. The bear smelled like jasmine.
I opened my eyes to see Allison.
“Morning,” she grumbled, pushing herself up to stand over me.
It was a fucking dream.
I tried to say it back, but prying my tongue off the roof of my mouth proved impossible, mostly because all of my saliva made a puddle of drool on the hard, denim-clad pillow currently smooshed against my face. It was awfully lumpy. I opened my eyes fully to gain my bearings.
The denim pillow? Jase’s crotch… complete with ever-impressive morning wood right next to my face.
Oh, blessed be.
I sat up quickly, pulling the blanket beside us over him as I did to provide cover for what would probably mortify him if Allison noticed. I smacked my lips, trying to get the saliva to flow. “Morning, babe.” I searched Allison’s not-too-happy face as I yawned and stretched. “We must have fallen asleep watching the movie.”
