by Daniel Defoe
Even, when I was afterwards, on due consideration, made sensible of my condition, how I was cast on this dreadful place, out of the reach of human kind, out of all hope of relief, or prospect of redemption, as soon as I saw but a prospect of living, and that I should not starve and perish for hunger, all the sense of my affliction wore off, and I begun to be very easy, apply’d my self to the works proper for my preservation and supply, and was far enough from being afflicted at my condition, as a judgment from Heaven, or as the hand of God against me; these were thoughts which very seldom enter’d into my head.
The growing up of the corn, as is hinted in my Journal, had at first some little influence upon me, and began to affect me with seriousness, as long as I thought it had something miraculous in it; but as soon as ever that part of the thought was remov’d, all the impression which was rais’d from it, wore off also, as I have noted already.
Even the earthquake, tho’ nothing could be more terrible in its nature, or more immediately directing to the invisible power which alone directs such things, yet no sooner was the first fright over, but the impression it had made, went off also. I had no more sense of God or his judgments, much less of the present affliction of my circumstances being from his hand, than if I had been in the most prosperous condition of life.
But now when I began to be sick, and a leisurely view of the miseries of death came to place itself before me; when my spirits began to sink under the burden of a strong distemper, and Nature was exhausted with the violence of the feaver; conscience that had slept so long, began to awake, and I began to reproach myself with my past life, in which I had so evidently, by uncommon wickedness, provok’d the justice of God to lay me under uncommon strokes, and to deal with me in so vindictive a manner.
These reflections oppress’d me for the second or third day of my distemper, and in the violence, as well of the feaver, as of the dreadful reproaches of my conscience, extorted some words from me, like praying to God, tho’ I cannot say they were either a prayer attended with desires or with hopes; it was rather the voice of meer fright and distress; my thoughts were confus’d, the convictions great upon my mind, and the horror of dying in such a miserable condition, rais’d vapours into my head with the meer apprehensions; and in these hurries of my soul, I know not what my tongue might express; but it was rather exclamation, such as, Lord! what a miserable creature am I? If I should be sick, I shall certainly die for want of help, and what will become of me! Then the tears burst out of my eyes, and I could say no more for a good while.
In this interval, the good advice of my father came to my mind, and presently his prediction, which I mentioned at the beginning of this story, viz. that if I did take this foolish step, God would not bless me; and I would have leisure hereafter to reflect upon having neglected his counsel, when there might be none to assist in my recovery. Now, said I aloud, my dear father’s words are come to pass: God’s justice has overtaken me, and I have none to help or hear me: I rejected the voice of Providence, which had mercifully put me in a posture or station of life, wherein I might have been happy and easy; but I would neither see it my self, or learn to know the blessing of it from my parents; I left them to mourn over my folly, and now I am left to mourn under the consequences of it: I refus’d their help and assistance who wou’d have lifted me into the world, and wou’d have made every thing easy to me, and now I have difficulties to struggle with, too great for even Nature itself to support, and no assistance, no help, no comfort, no advice; then I cry’d out, Lord be my help, for I am in great distress.
This was the first prayer, if I may call it so, that I had made for many years. But I return to my Journal.
June 28. Having been somewhat refresh’d with the sleep I had had, and the fit being entirely off, I got up; and tho’ the fright and terror of my dream was very great, yet I consider’d, that the fit of the ague wou’d return again the next day, and now was my time to get something to refresh and support myself when I should be ill; and the first thing I did, I fill’d a large square case bottle with water, and set it upon my table, in reach of my bed; and to take off the chill or aguish disposition of the water, I put about a quarter of a pint of rum into it, and mix’d them together; then I got me a piece of the goat’s flesh, and broil’d it on the coals, but could eat very little; I walk’d about, but was very weak, and withal very sad and heavy-hearted in the sense of my miserable condition; dreading the return of my distemper the next day; at night I made my supper of three of the turtle’s eggs, which I roasted in the ashes, and eat, as we call it, in the shell; and this was the first bit of meat I had ever ask’d God’s blessing to, even as I cou’d remember, in my whole life.
After I had eaten, I try’d to walk, but found my self so weak, that I cou’d hardly carry the gun, (for I never went out without that) so I went but a little way, and sat down upon the ground, looking out upon the sea, which was just before me, and very calm and smooth: As I sat here, some such thoughts as these occurred to me.
What is this earth and sea of which I have seen so much, whence is it produced, and what am I, and all the other creatures, wild and tame, human and brutal, whence are we?
Sure we are all made by some secret power, who form’d the earth and sea, the air and sky; and who is that?
Then it follow’d most naturally, It is God that has made it all: Well, but then it came on strangely, if God has made all these things, He guides and governs them all, and all things that concern them; for the power that could make all things, must certainly have power to guide and direct them.
If so, nothing can happen in the great circuit of his works, either without his knowledge or appointment.
And if nothing happens without his knowledge, he knows that I am here, and am in this dreadful condition; and if nothing happens without his appointment, he has appointed all this to befal me.
Nothing occurr’d to my thought to contradict any of these conclusions; and therefore it rested upon me with the greater force, that it must needs be, that God has appointed all this to befal me; that I was brought to this miserable circumstance by his direction, he having the sole power, not of me only, but of every thing that happen’d in the world. Immediately it follow’d,
Why has God done this to me? What have I done to be thus us’d?
My conscience presently check’d me in that enquiry, as if I had blasphem’d, and methought it spoke to me like a voice; WRETCH! dost thou ask what thou hast done! look back upon a dreadful mis-spent life, and ask thy self what thou hast not done? ask, Why is it that thou wert not long ago destroy’d? Why wert thou not drown’d in Yarmouth Roads? Kill’d in the fight when the ship was taken by the Sallee man of war? Devour’d by the wild beasts on the coast of Africa? Or drown’d HERE, when all the crew perish’d but thy self? Dost thou ask What have I done?
I was struck dumb with these reflections, as one astonish’d, and had not a word to say, no not to answer to my self, but rose up pensive and sad, walk’d back to my retreat, and went up over my wall, as if I had been going to bed, but my thoughts were sadly disturb’d, and I had no inclination to sleep; so I sat down in my chair, and lighted my lamp, for it began to be dark: Now as the apprehension of the return of my distemper terrify’d me very much, it occurr’d to my thought, that the Brasilians take no physick but their tobacco, for almost all distempers; and I had a piece of a roll of tobacco in one of the chests, which was quite cur’d, and some also that was green and not quite cur’d.
I went, directed by Heaven no doubt; for in this chest I found a cure, both for soul and body, I open’d the chest, and found what I look’d for, viz. the tobacco; and as the few books, I had sav’d, lay there too, I took out one of the Bibles which I mention’d before, and which to this time I had not found leisure, or so much as inclination to look into; I say, I took it out, and brought both that and the tobacco with me to the table.
What use to make of the tobacco, I knew not, as to my distemper, or whether it was good for it or no; but I try’d sever
al experiments with it, as if I was resolv’d it should hit one way or other: I first took a piece of a leaf, and chew’d it in my mouth, which indeed at first almost stupify’d my brain, the tobacco being green and strong, and that I had not been much us’d to it; then I took some and steeped it an hour or two in some rum, and resolv’d to take a dose of it when I lay down; and lastly, I burnt some upon a pan of coals, and held my nose close over the smoke of it as long as I could bear it, as well for the heat as almost for suffocation.
In the interval of this operation, I took up the Bible and began to read, but my head was too much disturb’d with the tobacco to bear reading, at least that time; only having open’d the book casually, the first words that occurr’d to me were these, Call on me in the day of trouble, and I will deliver, and thou shalt glorify me.26
The words were very apt to my case, and made some impression upon my thoughts at the time of reading them, tho’ not so much as they did afterwards; for as for being deliver’d, the word had no sound, as I may say, to me; the thing was so remote, so impossible in my apprehension of things, that I began to say as the children of Israel did, when they were promis’d flesh to eat, Can God spread a table in the wilderness;27 so I began to say, Can God himself deliver me from this place? And as it was not for many years that any hope appear’d, this prevail’d very often upon my thoughts: But however, the words made a great impression upon me, and I mused upon them very often. It grew now late, and the tobacco had, as I said, doz’d my head so much, that I inclin’d to sleep; so I left my lamp burning in the cave, lest I should want any thing in the night, and went to bed; but before I lay down, I did what I never had done in all my life, I kneel’d down and pray’d to God to fulfil the promise to me, that if I call’d upon him in the day of trouble, he would deliver me; after my broken and imperfect prayer was over, I drunk the rum in which I had steep’d the tobacco, which was so strong and rank of the tobacco, that indeed I could scarce get it down; immediately upon this I went to bed, I found presently it flew up in my head violently, but I fell into a sound sleep, and wak’d no more, till by the sun it must necessarily be near three a-clock in the afternoon the next day; nay, to this hour I’m partly of the opinion, that I slept all the next day and night, and till almost three that day after; for otherwise I knew not how I should lose a day out of my reckoning in the days of the week, as it appear’d some years after I had done: for if I had lost it by crossing and re-crossing the Line,28 I should have lost more than one day: But certainly I lost a day in my accompt, and never knew which way.
Be that however one way or th’other, when I awak’d I found myself exceedingly refresh’d, and my spirits lively and cheerful; when I got up, I was stronger than I was the day before, and my stomach better, for I was hungry; and in short, I had no fit the next day, but continu’d much alter’d for the better; this was the 29th.
The 30th was my well day of course, and I went abroad with my gun, but did not care to travel too far, I kill’d a sea-fowl or two, something like a brand goose, and brought them home, but was not very forward to eat them; so I eat some more of the turtle’s eggs, which were very good: This evening I renew’d the medicine which I had suppos’d did me good the day before, viz. the tobacco steep’d in rum, only I did not take so much as before, nor did I chew any of the leaf, or hold my head over the smoke; however, I was not so well the next day, which was the first of July, as I hop’d I should have been; for I had a little spice of the cold fit, but it was not much.
July 2. I renew’d the medicine all the three ways, and doz’d my self with it as at first; and doubled the quantity which I drank.
[July] 3. I miss’d the fit for good and all, tho’ I did not recover my full strength for some weeks after, while I was thus gathering strength, my thoughts run exceedingly upon this Scripture, I will deliver thee: and the impossibility of my deliverance lay much upon my mind in bar of my ever expecting it. But as I was discouraging my self with such thoughts, it occurr’d to my mind, that I pored so much upon my deliverance from the main affliction, that I disregarded the deliverance I had receiv’d; and I was, as it were, made to ask my self such questions as these, viz. Have I not been deliver’d, and wonderfully too, from sickness? from the most distressed condition that could be, and that was so frightful to me, and what notice I had taken of it: Had I done my part, God had delivered me, but I had not glorify’d him; that is to say, I had not own’d and been thankful for that as a deliverance, and how could I expect greater deliverance?
This touch’d my heart very much, and immediately I kneel’d down, and gave God thanks aloud for my recovery from my sickness.
July 4. In the morning I took the Bible, and beginning at the New Testament, I began seriously to read it, and impos’d upon myself to read awhile every morning and every night, not tying my self to the number of chapters, but as long as my thoughts should engage me: It was not long after I set seriously to this work, but I found my heart more deeply and sincerely affected with the wickedness of my past life: The impression of my dream reviv’d, and the words, All these things have not brought thee to repentance, ran seriously in my thought: I was earnestly begging of God to give me repentance, when it happen’d providentially the very day that reading the Scripture, I came to these words, He is exalted a prince and a saviour, to give repentance, and to give remission:29 I threw down the book, and with my heart as well as my hands lifted up to Heaven, in a kind of extasy of joy, I cry’d out aloud, Jesus, thou son of David,30 Jesus, thou exalted prince and saviour, give me repentance!
This was the first time that I could say, in the true sense of the words, that I pray’d in all my life; for now I pray’d with a sense of my condition, and with a true Scripture view of hope founded on the encouragement of the word of God; and from this time, I may say, I began to have hope that God would hear me.
Now I began to construe the words mentioned above, Call on me, and I will deliver you, in a different sense from what I had ever done before; for then I had no notion of any thing being call’d deliverance, but my being deliver’d from the captivity I was in; for tho’ I was indeed at large in the place, yet the island was certainly a prison to me, and that in the worst sense in the world; but now I learn’d to take it in another sense: Now I look’d back upon my past life with such horror, and my sins appear’d so dreadful, that my soul sought nothing of God, but deliverance from the load of guilt that bore down all my comfort: As for my solitary life it was nothing; I did not so much as pray to be deliver’d from it, or think of it; it was all of no consideration in comparison to this: And I add this part here, to hint to whoever shall read it, that whenever they come to a true sense of things, they will find deliverance from sin a much greater blessing than deliverance from affliction.
But leaving this part, I return to my Journal.
My condition began now to be, tho’ not less miserable as to my way of living, yet much easier to my mind; and my thoughts being directed by a constant reading the Scripture, and praying to God, to things of a higher nature: I had a great deal of comfort within, which till now I knew nothing of; also as my health and strength returned, I bestir’d my self to furnish my self with every thing that I wanted, and make my way of living as regular as I could.
From the 4th of July to the 14th, I was chiefly employ’d in walking about with my gun in my hand, a little and a little, at a time, as a man that was gathering up his strength after a fit of sickness: For it is hardly to be imagin’d, how low I was, and to what weakness I was reduc’d. The application which I made use of was perfectly new, and perhaps what had never cur’d an ague before, neither can I recommend it to any one to practise, by this experiment; and tho’ it did carry off the fit, yet it rather contributed to weakening me; for I had frequent convulsions in my nerves and limbs for some time.
I learn’d from it also this in particular, that being abroad in the rainy season was the most pernicious thing to my health that could be, especially in those rains which came attended with storms and
hurricanes of wind; for as the rain which came in the dry season was always most accompany’d with such storms, so I found that rain was much more dangerous than the rain which fell in September and October.
I had been now in this unhappy island above 10 months, all possibility of deliverance from this condition, seem’d to be entirely taken from me; and I firmly believed, that no human shape had ever set foot upon that place: Having now secur’d my habitation, as I thought, fully to my mind, I had a great desire to make a more perfect discovery of the island, and to see what other productions I might find, which I yet knew nothing of.
It was the 15th of July that I began to take a more particular survey of the island it self: I went up the creek first, where, as I hinted, I brought my rafts on shore; I found after I came about two miles up, that the tide did not flow any higher, and that it was no more than a little brook of running water, and very fresh and good; but this being the dry season, there was hardly any water in some parts of it, at least not enough to run in any stream, so as it could be perceiv’d.
On the bank of this brook I found many pleasant savanna’s, or meadows, plain, smooth, and cover’d with grass; and on the rising parts of them next to the higher grounds, where the water, as it might be supposed, never overflow’d, I found a great deal of tobacco, green, and growing to a great and very strong stalk; there were divers other plants which I had no notion of, or understanding about, and might perhaps have vertues of their own, which I could not find out.
I searched for the cassava root, which the Indians in all that climate make their bread of, but I could find none. I saw large plants of alloes, but did not then understand them. I saw several sugar canes, but wild, and for want of cultivation, imperfect. I contented myself with these discoveries for this time, and came back musing with my self what course I might take to know the virtue and goodness of any of the fruits or plants which I should discover; but could bring it to no conclusion; for in short, I had made so little observation while I was in the Brasils, that I knew little of the plants in the field, at least very little that might serve me to any purpose now in my distress.
