"How nice for you," he said, keeping his tone neutral. "I hope you have someone special in your life now?"
She tossed her head back like a fractious filly and declared, "I'm not going to beat about the bush. I was rather hoping--"
He could tell from the predatory gleam in her eyes exactly what she was about to say, and forestalled her by declaring, "I feel sure you would have heard by now about my recent nuptials?"
Her face fell completely, and her cat green eyes sparkled with fury. "No. No I didn't hear you were married. Who is the lucky woman?"
"My cousin Althea."
Her tone was chilling when she finally replied, "Ah, I see. Well, I can't say I'm surprised. It's the way things are done in our society."
He knew what she was implying, and sought to defend both he and his wife from the accusation of a marriage for the sake of convenience or expediency. "No, you were right all along. You saw it even before I did. I've been in love with her since I was eighteen. There was no undue haste or familial pressure. I was more than happy to get married, once I owned up to my true feelings. And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get home to my wife."
But Matilda hadn't finished yet. She sawed on the horse's reins with such fury that the horse began to rear. "And do you think that little milksop is going to make you happy? You know what a good horsewoman I am. I can ride you at a gallop and make you-"
The closer she came, the more repelled he felt. "Thank you for the offer, but I'm just coming back from paying visits. My days of rampant equestrian pursuits with anyone other than Althea are long over. She and I are very happy."
He clicked to his mount, but Matilda called after him, "I know you! I know your extreme tastes. You'll be back! You won't be able to help yourself."
He rode off, telling himself he was not the least bit tempted. That it had been her tastes which had been extreme.
But all the same, the words echoed in his mind, and the truth was more complicated. He was tempted by the notion of how easy it was to just take what he wanted with no thought for another's happiness. When sex was just a simple bodily function like eating and drinking when he was hungry and thirsty. Then it could just be easy, fun. Marriage put an entirely new complexion on things.
Above all, he wondered if he ought to have an outlet into which he could pour all these longings. Then he might be able to spend time around his wife without wanting to throw her on her back and ride her like the wind.
He covered his eyes with the fingers of one hand. His uncontrollable lust had got him into this mull in the first place. To have an affair with the vicious and troublemaking Matilda would get him even more muddled.
And there would be no keeping it a secret, for even if Althea were not so bright and perceptive, Matilda would have no qualms about telling everyone.
Matthew wondered at the complex Hell that had become his life. He hated himself, but couldn't help himself either. All the assistance of his friends and all the reasoning in the world was not going to help him where his marriage was concerned.
He needed to get a grip on his emotions somehow. Work and activity would perhaps solve the problem. He would have to just push himself into such a state of exhaustion he couldn't pounce on Althea every two seconds. And a cold bath every day in the stream where he fished might not be a bad idea either....
Chapter Seventeen
Althea was working towards an entirely different solution to their marital difficulties.
Eswara was very patient with her, and reiterated all she had taught her on her last visit, clarifying some of the things she had not completely understood.
"So this word Tantra then, means 'weave'?"
"Yes. Think about the warp and the woof. You can't have woven cloth without the two together. And if it is too loosely or too tightly woven, it can come unravelled. Or all knotted and tense, and not at thing of beauty. We need to focus on you feeling in control and powerful."
Althea stared. "There's that word again. Power."
"You deserve to be treasured as a goddess, and command respect. But you don't have to be weak or feeble to command that respect. Rather, you can earn it if you love your body and share your sensuality without shame. And if you don't let other people, including your husband, tell you what to think and feel. You need to trust your wisdom and intuition, and feel secure enough to express your feelings in a way that reaches your partner. Get him to understand your needs.
"Also, you need to learn this power so you can get what you want without having to control or manipulate the way so many mistresses and wives do. I suspect deep down you're very angry about what happened to you, the way you were treated so brutally. You can transform that rage into personal power. Use the energy of the anger to create instead of destroy. Nurture and protect instead of tear apart. If you open your heart to Matthew, he might also be able to open his heart to you all the time, but especially during lovemaking."
She toyed with the tassel of a decorative wine silk sofa cushion. "I still can't see how it's possible. I mean, women are supposed to be the weak, passive ones."
Eswara shrugged one shoulder dismissively. "I don't see why. Women tend to give their power away in intimate relationships, creating anger, frustration, and sadness. Wait for the man to take the lead, not say what they really want. It's very difficult to overcome this habit once it becomes ingrained. Society tells women to be passive, after all. It seems easier to just accept it than to try to change it.
"But you came to me because you wanted it to change. By coming to view yourself as a goddess, a manifestation of the divinely feminine, you can connect with all of your gifts."
"My gifts?" she asked with interest.
Eswara nodded. "Your wisdom, sensuality, intuition and compassion as well as your power to create a beautiful sacred union with your husband. If you work at this, you'll become able to express your deepest desires and discern those traits within Matthew which help meet that need. Why you love him, in other words. And you'll make peace with your body, and allow it to become an ecstatic instrument for the expression of love."
Althea blushed. "That last part sounds like the best of all, but it's so hard. I'm not sure of how I feel at times, and he runs away if we get, well, too intimate."
"The grasping of your power is even harder for you as a survivor of sexual abuse. You need to do a number of things before you can be a good wife to Matthew. A few of them you probably never had before you were attacked, so you might not even be aware of what you're missing."
"Well, yes, that's true. I was a virgin in every sense of the word."
"And did you like your body?" Eswara asked.
She considered the question in silence for a moment. "I never really thought about it too much. It was just, well, there." She waved up and down with her hand almost dismissively. "It's not like I had a choice."
"Were you frightened of it?"
"Not really, more worried about men doing inappropriate things to me. Fear of pregnancy."
"Were you ashamed of, say, touching yourself?"
She blushed. "Well, I never really did except when I, um, thought of Matthew. Breasts only."
"So it sounds like the first thing is to establish a loving relationship with your body, to admire it, feel comfortable with it. There's nothing like self-confidence to excite a man. You think all those Incognitas have anything different under their dresses than you? No. Not at all. It's what they do with it that counts."
Her blue eyes widened. "Eswara, really!"
The older woman smiled knowingly. "No need to sound so shocked. I just meant that they weren't ashamed, and knew what they wanted and went after it. James II's mistress Catherine Sedley was one of the ugliest women in England, and thin as a stick to boot. Yet she climbed to power and kept him dangling on a string for years, and made a fortune from him. If she could manage all that, well, just think what a woman with a pretty face can do."
"Oh, but now it sounds like I'm some sort of harlot!" Althea exclaimed in dism
ay.
"No. Not at all," Eswara reassured her, before pouring more spiced tea. "You're not manipulating him or doing it for money. You're reclaiming and asserting your sexual and emotional boundaries. And your relationship boundaries. Claiming him as your husband, partner. He's the man you love, true, but Matthew needs to understand that you're a person with your own emotional and sexual needs, which you have to be able to express to him if you're going to have a good marriage in every sense of the word. And to try to make sure that what the two of you share is so special he will never be tempted to stray. We're going to give you exactly that power."
"But I've never even spent time with a man like, like a lover. I mean, we don't talk in bed, so how am I going to-"
She passed the fragrant cup, then a plate of cinnamon biscuits. "You'll also need to develop skills for emotional intimacy then. Honesty and truthfulness, being in tune with him, will help a lot here. But you need to be in tune with yourself. If there's residual unexpressed anger, grief, and shame over what happened to you, you need to let it out.
"And you need to learn how to relax, both of you. Not feel as if you are some sort of performing ponies. If you have too many expectations, you're bound to be disappointed. No expectations, and you won't live up to your full potential in your relationship.
"And from what you told me the other day, it would appear that you were not the only one to suffer abuse, a fragmenting of your sexual persona."
Althea frowned and set down the plate of biscuits. "I'm not sure I follow."
Eswara gave her a long look, choosing her words carefully. "Well, sexual abuse can take a number of different forms, including rape, molestation, inappropriate touching, and mental invasion. Being told sex is dirty, wrong, abnormal, disgusting. Or that a person is. I would guess Matthew heard a great number of negative things about human sexuality from his father, who became little better than a Puritan, and so it distorted his energies.
"In your case I think your feelings have been suppressed, by yourself and certainly by him because he's scared. In his case, he was told he was dirty and disgusting, and so he's used sex as a drug to dull emotional pain."
"You think that's why he's raked everywhere?" Althea asked, astonished but also relieved. "As an act of rebellion?"
"Yes. I don't think it's normal behaviour. I mean, I know men compare notes and everything, but most of them are all mouth and no trousers, as the saying goes. For the most part, though, they don't have dozens of different partners every year. Most men settle down a bit more than that."
"So what can I do if both of us are so damaged?" Althea asked, starting to worry she was never going to be a good wife to Matthew.
"We'll start with you first. Tackle your problems head on. You need to let the sexual side out of yourself with a trusting and caring partner, a devoted husband. He needs to feel loved, needs to see that emotional closeness with a truly intimate partner can create a loving, heart-centered sexual connection. Not just a genital one. Not an exploitative relationship."
"I see."
Eswara took a sip of her own tea and continued, "The fact that you told me he left his last mistress and was celibate for months before he saw you means he's started to understand that the life he's been leading isn't normal. That he found it unfulfilling, and is looking for more. That's a hopeful sign."
Althea felt her heart lift at that, and nodded.
"But we need to start with you. What you like and dislike. It doesn't have to be sexual but it does have to be truthful. Things you like to eat, drink, do. Not compromising all the time because you think women ought to be passive, or because you wish to be accommodating. There's nothing wrong with being selfish and doing what you enjoy. And of course you can share a lot of these things with him and other people. Have a fabulous dinner party with all of your favourite food and drink and flowers, a trip shopping, a day in Town when you do nothing but indulge yourself with plays, the opera and so on."
"That sounds easy enough. But I don't want to be frivolous," she said with a frown.
"There is nothing wrong with fun. The things you share don't even have to be expensive. You can also recapture some of the simple joys of your life. Walking, talking, just holding hands. The joy you undoubtedly had when you were young people together."
She smiled warmly then. "There was certainly a lot of that." She patted her golden retriever puppy he had gifted her with on the head.
"My only question is, when did your feelings for Matthew change from childhood closeness to something sexual?"
Althea contemplated the question for a time, and admitted, "I always adored him, but I think I was about thirteen when I felt it as a real bodily need. I used to dream of him coming to visit, us going in the stables and well-"
"A nice fantasy to act out some time."
"Do you think so?" She grinned.
"Why not? Just don't scare the horses."
Althea smiled back, but admitted, "He just seems to get so shocked if I take the lead."
"In our society, men tend to divorce themselves from their feelings, making it difficult for them to experience bliss both physically and spiritually. When feeling is cut off, so is sensation in the body."
"A bit like me going away mentally when all of that was happening to me," she admitted quietly.
"And where did it go?"
"To Matthew," she confessed. "Him rescuing me, telling me he loved only me, no matter what."
"He does, you know."
Althea nodded. "I think I do, for a time, then he just withdraws."
Eswara nodded sagely. "They all do it, no matter how close you are."
"So how can we stop it?"
The older woman thought for a moment, then said, "When a man gets in touch with his emotions, he becomes more open throughout his entire body. His whole posture changes. He can give and respond to affection without overreacting, grabbing and seeking like a greedy child, never relaxing. Once he's more open, he's able to connect with himself and his lover in a very deep and intimate way.
"In order for a man to become a good lover and partner, he has to be able to open his heart and merge his sexual energy with it. Be able to listen and understand. In addition, he must be able to try to slow down and match his partner's sexual rhythm, rather than expecting her to match his. There's a big gap between male and female response times, which is why I see so many discontent and confused female patients."
"Slow down? How exactly? I mean, it's so explosive. Isn't that just the way it is all the time? And why has it changed for me? I mean, I used to get so much pleasure."
"There are different methods for holding off orgasm. If he can adjust his tempo and needs to suit you better, he ignites your shakti, which is the female sexual energy, the doorway to the divine. This creates a healing and transformative connection of love."
Althea raised her brows in surprise. "Transformative?"
"Your love for him has changed you already, hasn't it?"
She stared at her friend in wonder. "Yes, yes, it has."
"Has it changed him?"
"Hmm. Hard question." She patted the dog again. At length she replied, "I think it's starting to. It might if he let it."
Eswara nodded wisely. "He's still having a hard time opening up, then. That's not surprising, if his relationship with his last mistress was as bad as everyone says. He may have had affairs, but he hasn't really grasped the significance of being a couple."
"Which is what, according to the Tantra?"
Eswara smiled. "Oh, lots of things. For one thing, you need to honor and celebrate your masculine and feminine differences. I mean, we carry aspects of both inside us, but men don't tend to like to admit their softer side, and frown on 'bossy' or demanding women. But there is a difference between being assertive, and being controlling to the point of emasculation."
"Hmm, I think his mistress Matilda was the latter."
"I'm sure. But it didn't matter because he only dealt with her sexually. They weren't a true coupl
e. It was just sex."
"Just?" Althea gasped.
Eswara gave her a fond smile. "Yes, that's all it was, so it was little enough, and nothing for you to feel threatened by. I know he loves you, probably always has, but feels he never deserved you. That's why he wasted his time with relationships that would never and could never be anything more than just sex.
"Real intimacy as a couple is so much more. It's an understanding of each other's communications, becoming deeply attuned to each other's needs. Feeling really connected, and not just at the loins. When you have a great deal of love and trust and sharing in a marriage, you each become a catalyst for the other's spiritual and emotional growth. You'll create an ongoing passion in your relationship that feeds itself."
The Rakehell Regency Romance Series Boxed Set 4 (The Rakehell Regency Romance Series Boxed Sets) Page 66
