It was hard enough to say goodbye to her hometown, the house she’d grown up in, and the people she’d known her whole life. Saying goodbye to Nick, well…
She’d tried to stay ambivalent about her new ties to him, but she should have known sharing her body with him would make that impossible when she had a brand new crush on him.
Okay, way more than a crush. But she didn’t want to love him.
God bless-ed. Where the heck had he flung her thong to after pulling it off with his teeth? She’d been too stuck on watching him work his way down her legs to notice, but the room wasn’t that big.
And once again her eyes landed on Nick’s sleeping form. He was flat on his back, the sheet at his waist, one arm above his head, the other across his rock hard abs, his hair a mess from her fingers. His chest rose and fell so peacefully, she envied him the sleep he’d found.
After two hours, she’d had enough staring at the ceiling and decided the best way to say good-bye was not to say it all. Which made her a coward. But that was better than having him notice she’d had the best time of her life with him this past month.
Or letting him see that she had fallen hopelessly in love with him.
The important thing was he’d helped get her over her self-imposed hump—or whatever it was that had kept her from fully letting go. She could be wild, have fun, and not get hurt in the process.
Mostly.
Nick was the exception.
Because she’d relinquished all of her inhibitions and let herself go too far.
She looked away from the sleeping, sexy man who cared for her, she knew, to find her damn underwear. There they are. Hooked over the corner of the chair. She lifted her dress and pulled them on. Picked up her strappy heels, small clutch, and her award, and with one more look at Nick over her shoulder, slipped out of the room.
The drive home in the middle of the night took no time and too much time. Alone with her thoughts on the dark, almost deserted highway she thought about her life, her choices. For the first time ever, she was the person she wanted to be. Not the overly cautious person her parents had tried to force on her. Not the cynical person her college boyfriend had turned her into. But someone secure in her own skin, a woman who wanted and was capable of love and adventure and deserved it.
So why tears were streaming down her face, she didn’t know. She blinked a bunch of times to stop the waterworks, but it didn’t do any good. She started to cry harder, the ugly, runny nose, can’t-catch-your-breath kind of crying she hated. Her body shook with her sobs. A chill settled over her shoulders. Blurry spots marred her vision and she should probably pull off the road, but she pressed on the gas pedal instead. She wanted to be home in her bed with the covers pulled up to her chin.
She hadn’t expected this to be so hard. Or hurt so much. There had always been an end date, but she’d foolishly put it out of her mind. If she didn’t think about it, maybe it would cease to exist, right? Wrong. With every brush of his fingers, kiss on her lips, and stroke inside her body tonight, Nick was saying his good-bye.
Walking into her bedroom a short while later, her eyes were still miserably wet. She swiped the back of her hand under her nose and sniffled. The pressure in her forehead warranted pain relievers, but suddenly she was too tired to take even one more step. She got undressed, leaving her gown on the floor at her feet, and crawled into bed.
The sheets were cold, but then so was her skin, so it didn’t feel quite so disagreeable getting comfortable. Less than a minute later, she’d warmed up. A minute after that, sleep thankfully took her.
“Oh, thank, God.”
Cassidy stirred, vaguely aware of someone saying something. She sensed the brightness in the room so knew she’d slept and morning had arrived, but she was in that place between sleep and consciousness that felt so cozy, she didn’t want it to end yet. Or ever.
It felt like floating on a bed of feathers. Her mind was blank and—
The bed dipped. “It’s time to wake up, Cinderella.” And bounced. Someone was dipping and bouncing on her bed.
Rowan.
“Okay, okay,” Cass grumbled, her throat dry. She opened her eyes and squinted at her best friend. “I’m awake. Can you please stop that now?”
“Yes,” Ro said, hopping off the bed. She walked around to Cass’s side to sit on the edge of the mattress. “I’m happy to see you’re alive.”
It always took Cass a few minutes to come fully awake, but what in the world was Ro talking about? “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“True. I wasn’t really worried, but Nick was.”
That got Cassidy’s attention. She pushed up, sitting against the headboard and hugging an extra pillow to her chest to cover her bareness. “What are you talking about?”
“You’ve got some ’splaining to do, chica. Not that I hadn’t already put the pieces together. But why didn’t you just tell me when I asked you what was going on with my brother?”
“I didn’t think…I wasn’t sure…”
Rowan rolled her eyes. “Whatever. You’ll tell me everything in a minute. Let me send a quick text to Nick to let him know you’re okay.” She thumbed several words into her cell, looking quite pleased with herself, then tossed the phone onto the middle of the bed. “He called me a half hour ago asking if I’d heard from you. When I said no, he cursed like a sailor”—she grinned—“and told me the very condensed version of what had happened and that he was worried you’d driven home in the middle of the night.”
“I did.”
“Obvs.”
“What’s the big deal?”
“The big deal is Nick kind of lost his mind thinking it was selfish of you to do that when it wasn’t safe. What if you’d fallen asleep at the wheel? Driven off the road into a ditch? Gotten a flat tire and some weirdo stopped to help you.”
“He called me selfish?” Anger and hurt coiled into a tight knot behind her ribs. She’d never been called that before. Hadn’t once considered her actions last night selfish.
But now that she thought about it, they were. They so, so were. She’d convinced herself in those hours she’d laid awake that the best course of action was to sneak away. That way, she couldn’t be disappointed by what Nick did or didn’t say in the morning. She could save herself from her own misguided expectations.
Keep some small nugget of hope alive.
All this consideration, though, had been directed at herself.
“Hey,” Rowan said, no doubt noticing her dour expression, “you’re not selfish. I know this because I know you. And I know you did what you had to do to be okay. That’s called self-preservation. Nick’s still just sensitive from the sub fire. Especially with people who are important to him.”
Cassidy lifted her eyes to meet Rowan’s.
“Now tell me the whole story and then I promise you coffee.”
“I always planned to tell you.”
“I know.”
Some things were harder to share than others for Cass, but luckily since this was Rowan and they were talking about her brother, Cass didn’t have to go into any details about the sex. When finished, Cass was glad for the weight lifted off her shoulders. Speaking about Nick was sometimes painful, but it was therapeutic, too. And with Ro’s warm blue eyes saying all the right things, Cass spilled every appropriate piece of information.
“You’re in love with him,” Rowan said supportively.
For a split second Cass thought about saying no, but Ro would see right through it. “Yes. But it doesn’t matter.”
“Because?”
“He doesn’t love me. And before you get mad at your brother, it’s okay. I knew what I was getting into. He made it clear from the beginning that emotions had no part in what we were doing. I’m not sorry any of it happened, and you have to promise me you’re not going to say anything to him.”
“But—”
“No buts. I mean it. The subject is closed.” It had to be in order for Cassidy to keep moving forward.
&nbs
p; “But the way he smiles at you. He does—”
“Rowan.” Cass was not above putting her fingers in her ears and la-la-la-ing if Ro didn’t get off the topic.
“Fine.” She got to her feet. “I’ll just grab us some caffeine and be right back. Wait until you hear what I did last night.” With a mischievous slant to her smile and sparkle in her eyes she left the room.
“Hurry!” Cass called after her, always happy to hear about her best friend’s exploits.
And selfishly, relieved to have the distraction.
Not five minutes after Rowan had left, though, the doorbell rang. Thinking Ro had come back, Cassidy opened the door without bothering to look through the peek hole. Something she never did anywhere but in Marietta.
“Hey, did you—”
“Hi, Sid.”
Cass froze. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Nick stood in front of her wearing his black tuxedo pants and wrinkled white button down, the collar open extra wide at the neck like he’d dressed quickly. His hair was a hot mess. Weariness creased the corners of his eyes. She swallowed the lump in her throat. He’d driven straight from the hotel to see her.
“Can I come in?”
No. Yes. This was one of those sweaty-palmed moments when she didn’t know what the right answer was. She’d left him in the hotel room for a good reason—to protect herself. So having whatever conversation he wanted to have with her seemed less risky with him on the other side of the threshold.
Until his eyes took a slow tour down her body and back up. The quietness of his perusal, like he wanted to savor one last look, undid her. She resisted the urge to pull her oversized Old Navy T-shirt down to cover more leg as her body flooded with heat. Her mind went blank, save for the lethally handsome man in front of her. He had a way of looking at her that made her forget her own name.
“Okay,” she said softly, stepping aside to offer him entrance.
The only rooms that still had furniture were the kitchen and her bedroom. She led him to the safer option and took a seat at the small, round pine table. He sat across from her, pushed up his shirtsleeves. She stared at his strong forearms before remembering her manners and glancing back up. “Can I get you something to drink?”
“No, thanks. I just came by to…”
Cassidy waited for him to fill the silence, her foolish thoughts racing to, I just came by to tell you I love you.
“To…?” She prompted.
He ran his hand over the sexy stubble on his jaw. “See for myself that you were okay.”
Her ridiculous hope deflated faster than she could say, “I am.” She wasn’t. But she’d swallow her tongue before she admitted otherwise.
“I didn’t like waking up and finding you gone.”
“I couldn’t sleep. Missed my own bed.” And couldn’t stand the thought of this conversation.
“If something had happened to you on your way home…”
“I’m not your responsibility, Nick.” She fidgeted in her chair. God, being this close to him and hearing the concern in his voice was worse than fingernails on a chalkboard. Couldn’t he see how much she just needed him gone?
“No, but you do owe me some common courtesy.”
What? Anger rose up the back of her throat. “I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful when I gave us a clean break.”
He gave a slight shake of his head in disapproval. “That wasn’t clean, Sid. It was sneaky and selfish. How would you have felt if the roles were reversed?”
She closed her eyes against the onslaught of regret—and his gorgeous blue gaze. He was right, but she wasn’t the bad guy here, was she? She’d left to make things easier for both of them. Yet sitting across from the man she’d fallen for and not being able to touch him was incredibly hard.
“Exactly,” he said. “You’d feel used.”
Her eyes flew open. “That couldn’t be further from the truth and you know it.”
“So set me straight. Why’d you leave?”
“To avoid the uncomfortable morning after!” Of course he didn’t get it. He didn’t feel the same way about her that she felt about him. He never let his armor slip.
“Aren’t we past that?”
Men are nincompoops, Rowan had said half an hour ago. Cassidy repeated the sentiment to herself as she smoothed her hands down her cotton shirt.
“Not this time.” She countered, her focus falling to his hands atop the table. Hands that had been all over her body with skill and tenderness and devotion.
He reached for her. She scooted her chair back. If he touched her, she’d lose what tiny strides she’d made to move on.
“I’m a little lost here. Did I do something to upset you?” He dropped his arm to his side. “Because I enjoyed every second of last night and thought we’d wake up together and I’d buy you breakfast.”
His mere presence upset her right now. “Then send me off.”
“Send you off?” His voice held a bitter edge. Finally he was showing some emotion to match her own. “That’s what you think of me?”
“I can’t allow myself to think of you,” she admitted, hating the way her voice cracked.
Their eyes met from across the table. She saw the ocean between them in his blue regard. “Sid, I was upfront with you from the start.”
“I know, but it doesn’t make this any easier. Not for me.”
His gaze went somewhere over her shoulder like his mind had wandered off and he didn’t know what to say. That right there told her everything. He couldn’t give her want she wanted.
He slowly got to his feet. “I’m not sorry for the time we spent together.”
Cassidy stood, too. She moved behind her chair, gripped the back. She needed the support to keep standing. “I’m not either. God, Nick. It was perfect. Every minute.”
“So let’s take whatever time we have left together and keep doing this.” He stepped closer.
She held up her palm to keep him from taking a second step. “Now who’s being selfish?”
“What does that mean?”
“Really?” Was her love for him not written all over her face? “You’re not the least bit aware of my feelings for you? I left last night because I had to. I can’t keep doing what we’re doing knowing you’re off to one place, I’m off to another, and you’re fine with that.”
“Sid—”
“Can you offer me more?” Her body shook with the words she’d been afraid to say. She knew the answer, but hearing it would cut the slivers of hope in the back of her mind. It was more than just the distance coming between them. His heart was closed off.
He threaded his fingers through his hair. “No.”
“Then I’d like you to go now.”
Despite his answer, he had the decency to look pained. “Goodbye, Sid.”
She didn’t reply. That one little word hurt too much to say back. She watched him walk away. When she heard the front door shut, she sank to the kitchen floor.
And cried the last tears she’d shed over Nick Palotay.
Chapter Eleven
Since when did his baby sister make him sweat like he’d run ten miles? “Jesus, Ro, cut right to the chase why don’t you?” Nick said, two fingers at the collar of his T-shirt.
“That’s what journalists do,” she answered, her pen poised to write his response on her legal-sized letter pad. He’d told her he didn’t want to be recorded, so she’d brought the large notebook instead. If her plan was to intimidate him, it was working.
Aside from that, he was damn proud of her.
They sat in the living room of their parents’ house for this interrogation—interview—and only five minutes in, he wondered how much longer she wanted him for. He’d promised to treat her as a reporter, though, not his kid sister, and take the interview as serious as he would with a journalist from Newsweek, so that meant she had him for as long as she wanted.
“So?” She prompted.
Right. Answer the question. His sister had done her homew
ork, which shouldn’t be a surprise, considering she was hoping the article would get picked up by a newspaper in LA. Where she was moving. With Sid.
“Yes, two firefighters died when they fell through a hole left by removed deck plates during the fire.”
“They were more than just first responders with you.” Ro looked him right in the eyes when she spoke. “They were your best friends.”
Fuck. “Yes.”
Her gaze softened. “Losing one person on your team, let alone two, has got be incredibly difficult. How do you cope with that?”
Nick raked his hand through his hair. Since the accident, he’d thought a lot on that. Last week he’d sat down with Coach D for lunch to get some perspective, too. The man had lost his grandson, a tragedy no grandparent should face, and the older man had offered the final words Nick had needed to hear in order to close the two most painful chapters in his past.
“Suffering loss isn’t easy and it’s important to mourn. After that, acceptance makes you stronger but also kinder, especially with yourself, and that changes everything.”
Ro lifted her head from her scribbles. “So, you’re saying it’s important to move on and not stay stuck on the pain?”
“That’s part of it, yes.” There was nothing he or any other firefighter could have done differently to save Jake and Alex. It was just their time. And for whatever the reason, it had been Sloan and their baby’s time, too.
“The sub was undergoing an extensive overhaul at the time of the accident. Was neglect on the part of the maintenance crew to blame for the explosion?”
“Absolutely not.”
“But to keep costs down, spare parts from decommissioned subs are used in repairs. Should the navy continue to—”
“Ro.”
“Yes?”
“I’m a firefighter. Not a commander or a politician. Can we keep to that?”
“Oh, sure. Sorry.” She waved her pen in the air. “And, uh, I know you hate the personal questions, but it’s part of my job to ask them.”
“I know.” He gave her a weak smile.
Falling for Her Bachelor (Bachelor Auction Returns Book 2) Page 12
