by Lane Hart
All the seconds I’ll never have with Lennox.
“I better go check on Hailey,” Mace says to the group when he starts for the door. “She’s been at the hospital with them all night, but I had to come here to work off the stress of seeing my sister in pain.”
“You need a ride?” I ask him since I was already planning to head over to see Linc.
“Yeah, man. Thanks. Then I can just drive Hailey home in her car since she’s bound to be exhausted,” Mace replies.
As soon as we’re both in my Mustang and on the road, Mace speaks first with a similar sentiment to my own.
“I’m so fucking happy for Linc and my sister, but this is only gonna make Hailey’s baby fever even worse,” he says while looking out his window.
“Oh yeah? You and her are trying to get pregnant?” I ask.
“Trying, but it’s not happening. Hailey thinks it’s her, and I think it’s me.”
“Sorry, man,” I tell him. “Maybe it’s just all the pressure.”
“Maybe,” he agrees. “So how are you doing with the whole deal of finding out about your brother’s son?”
My hands tense on the steering wheel until my knuckles go white. “Still trying to figure out how to cope with it,” I answer honestly.
“Yeah, I can’t imagine that’s easy,” Mace replies.
“It’s not,” I say.
“I’m sure you and your parents are pissed at his girl for not telling you sooner, but raising a kid as a single mother isn’t easy,” he tells me. “My mom did it, and then Claire took over. It’s tough to juggle everything, especially financially.”
“Oh, I know,” I mutter. “Megan has to pay for daycare while she works and that shit ain’t cheap. Plus there’s the rent for her house, car payment, utilities, groceries. I’m not sure how she does it, and the payouts I’ve made from these underground fights are barely making a dent in it…”
“What are you talking about?” Mace asks, and I realize I need to watch what the hell I’m saying. “Why are you worried about all of her bills? Aren’t your parents loaded? Can’t they just cough up the money for, like, Eli’s child support or whatever?”
“Lennox isn’t my parents’ responsibility,” I say defensively.
“He’s not yours either,” Mace replies.
“Right, well, without Eli around to help Meg with Lennox, I just feel like I need to,” I explain.
“That’s not on you, but I can see why you would want to help.”
“Yeah, and I appreciate you hooking me up with Vaughan. I’ve got my third fight tonight.”
“Third fight? Already?” Mace asks. “Don’t take on more than you can handle.”
“It’s fine. I, um, had to lose the first one, but the second was an easy win,” I admit as we pull up at the hospital and get parked.
“Had to lose?” he repeats. “Like the outcome was predetermined?”
“Yeah, wasn’t that how it worked when you were fighting?” I look over and ask him.
“Fuck no,” he replies with a shake of his dark head. “I never threw a fight.”
“Seriously?” I ask. “Maybe you just didn’t know if the other guys were told to lose against you.”
“I don’t think so,” he says. “Sounds shady.”
“Vaughan said it’s just about the betting and Mario earning more money,” I tell him.
“Mario?” he asks. “I don’t remember him. He must have taken over after that fucker Scarfone went to prison.”
“Guess so,” I say. “But if I want to get paid, I have to fight like they tell me to, and tonight that means losing to this dickhead…”
“The more you say, the more I regret giving you Vaughan’s number,” Mace says with a heavy exhale. “If you need money, there has to be some other way to get it; because before you know it, you might be too deep in that underground shit to breathe.”
“There’s not any other way. And don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine,” I assure him before opening my car door and climbing out, hoping to end the conversation.
“Fine, Luke, but watch your ass, man,” Mace says as we start for the hospital entrance.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Megan
My first appointment of the day is with a freshman girl, who’s so young and innocent I definitely wasn’t expecting her reasoning for needing to see me.
“Last night I went to a party and was drinking. I think I had sex, but I’m not sure,” the curvy brunette says casually while examining her black fingernails.
I send up a quick thank you to the heavens for letting me give birth to a boy before I respond.
“First of all, you’re too young to be drinking, Kristen. Secondly, excessive alcohol consumption to the point where you don’t remember what’s going on or are aware of your surroundings is very dangerous. And third, are you on birth control?”
“No,” she answers with a shake of her head, not the least bit chastened by my speech.
“When is your period due?” I ask her.
“I think I had one two weeks ago or maybe three,” she answers with a shrug.
Dear God, give me strength not to slap some sense into this poor, naïve girl.
“Well, then you definitely need to take a Plan B pill and come back to see me if you don’t have a period in the next two weeks so I can give you a pregnancy test. I’ll schedule an appointment so we can follow-up. Once you’re clear, we can then talk about the various birth control options. At the very least, you should use condoms each and every time.”
“Yeah, I know. Can I just get the Plan B and go?” Kristen asks with a huff.
“Sure, I’ll be right back with that and your next appointment,” I tell her, wishing there was some other way to get through to her and the other teenagers. Words don’t seem to be doing the trick; and if she keeps going like she is, Kristen will end up being a mother before she graduates.
Speaking of mothers, during the next break I get between my morning appointments, I see a missed call from Luke’s mom on my cell and call her back.
“Hey, Megan,” Nancy answers right away.
“Hi, Nancy,” I reply. “What’s up?”
“Sorry to bother you. I’m sure you’re at work and busy; but since it’s Friday night, I was gonna ask if, well, Phillip and I would really like to have Lennox stay with us for a sleepover. If not tonight, then maybe some other time?” she asks, sounding so hopeful.
I consider her request and can’t think of any downsides except for Lennox getting upset sleeping in a strange place. If so, they can just call, and I’ll go pick him up. Besides, Lennox has been visiting with them for weeks now. I trust Luke’s parents with our son; and with a free night home alone with Luke, it gives me a few naughty ideas.
“Sure, Nancy. How about I bring Lennox over tonight around six or six-thirty?” I ask.
“Of course, that would be wonderful!” she tells me. “And, not to be nosy or anything, but has Luke been staying with you this week? He doesn’t say much when he’s here with Lennox.”
Shit. Luke hasn’t told his parents where he’s been sleeping? Guess he’s still pissed at his father. Well, he hasn’t told me not to tell them.
“He has actually. Luke just wanted to spend more time with Lennox,” I say, which is the truth. I just leave out the part about him wanting to spend more time with him because he’s his son.
“I’m sure he also likes spending more time with you,” Nancy remarks.
“Ah, I’m not so sure about that,” I say the words before I can catch them.
“I don’t know if you were aware, but Luke always had the biggest crush on you, even before you and Eli started dating.”
“Oh really?” I ask in surprise. All of us grew up in the church together, but Luke never spoke to me until Eli and I started dating. After that, I thought he may have a small crush on me, but his mom is saying it went back even further?
“Well, yeah,” Nancy says. “During the Sunday sermons, Luke would spend the e
ntire hour staring at you twirling your hair or braiding it rather than paying attention to what your father was saying from the pulpit. I don’t think even Eli realized how much Luke adored you.”
“Wow, I, um, had no idea,” I reply, feeling even guiltier about the night of Eli’s funeral. What was a spur of the moment decision for me could have been something Luke had thought about for years, especially since he said he loved me.
“I’m sure Eli would be happy that you two are finally getting a chance to be together,” she says. “Luke can’t replace Eli as Lennox’s father, but I know he’ll be a great role model for him.”
“Right,” I say, swallowing down the lie. “Sorry, Nancy, but I need to get back to work. I’ll see you later tonight.”
“See you then. Thanks, Megan,” Nancy says before I hang up and drop my head into my hands.
Over the last few weeks, it’s become obvious to me that Luke and I will never have a real relationship, not with his anger and my guilt dominating our emotions. And I hate that, especially after things were so good between us right after I moved down here, until Luke figured out the truth from Nate, of all people.
Once again, Nathan Lewis has destroyed my chance at happiness. No, it’s wrong to blame him when this mess is completely my fault. Luke cared about me and wanted me, but now it’s all ruined, and I don’t have a clue about how to fix it.
One thing’s for sure, a relationship that consists solely of blowjobs isn’t healthy. I need to show Luke that there’s so much more between us if he could only give me another chance. He’s such a sweet, responsible and compassionate man, and nothing like I assumed he was as a teenager. I was wrong, and I want the chance to make it up to him.
And tonight, hopefully I’ll be able to convince him to move away from the mistakes I made in the past and look forward to the future.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Luke
After Mace and I find Hailey in the nursery, we visit for a while until Mace insists it’s time for her to go home and get some sleep. He drags his wife away to check in quickly on Claire, leaving me in the nursery with Linc, who has a baby swaddled in pink and blue blankets in each of his arms.
“I didn’t think I could ever love anyone more than Claire, but I was wrong,” Linc says to me as he smiles down at his twins. “And now that we share these two guys, I love her even more.”
“You’re incredibly lucky,” I tell him, bracing my back against the wall as I look through the glass beside us at the rows of babies in bassinets, jealous of all the fathers they belong to and the women who were honest with them.
“You wanna hold one?” Linc looks up and asks me.
“Ah, sure,” I say before scrubbing my hands with soap in the nearby sink and walking over to lift the baby from Linc’s right arm. I had some practice with Eden when she was a baby while helping Senn as Abby recovered. The two of us and her sister, Whitney, had no idea what we were doing at first; but with the help of the nurses, we eventually got the hang of everything.
“So which one is this?” I ask Linc. “Sage or…Talon?”
“Ummm,” he starts, and then reaches down to spin the wrist bracelet around on the baby he’s holding. “This is Talon, so that’s Sage.”
I check the bracelet of the baby I’m holding, and Talon is written in small letters in permanent black marker on it too.
“Ah, Linc, I think you might have a problem. This kid’s ID says Talon too,” I tell him, making him wince.
“Crap,” he mutters. “It was gettin’ so confusin’, so I thought if I wrote the names on their bracelets it would be easier. But I’m sleep deprived, obviously, and must have written the same one twice.”
“Don’t worry; you’ll figure it out,” I assure him with a chuckle. “Besides, they’re so young that they won’t know if you switch up their names a few times.”
“I’m their daddy, though. Aren’t I supposed to just know?” he asks me, the frustration showing on his exhausted face.
“They’re identical, right? So it can’t be easy for anyone to tell them apart,” I tell him, so he won’t feel so bad.
“I bet Claire will know,” he mutters.
“You’ll know which one is which soon. Or you could always get baby tattoos,” I tease him while gently bouncing the baby in my arms when he starts to fuss.
“I always wanted a family; I just didn’t know how bad I would be at it. The nurse had to fix the bottles, and I put one of the diapers on backwards,” Linc admits.
“Remember how Senn went through the same thing?” I remind him. “Despite how bad you mess up, at least you’re here for them and Claire. That’s all that really matters.”
“Thanks,” Linc replies with a small smile as he gets to his feet. “I should probably take them and go see if she’s awake. The labor was hard on her until the doctor finally tapped out and told her he was gonna have to do a C-section.”
“Tell her I’m thinking about her,” I say, placing the baby back in his arm before a sudden thought hits me. “Can I ask you something real quick?”
“Yeah, sure,” he answers.
“As much as you love Claire, is there anything she could do that you couldn’t forgive her for?”
“No,” Linc replies without hesitation.
“What if she up and took the babies, leaving you behind without a word for years before coming back. Could you forgive her then?” I ask more specifically.
Linc’s brow furrows as he looks at his sons and considers my question. Finally, he shakes his head. “I can’t imagine. That would… I would be completely devastated, but yeah, even then I think I could forgive her. Because I know Claire. She loves me, and she would never do somethin’ so drastic unless she had a damn good reason.”
“Yeah, okay. Thanks, man. And congrats again,” I tell him before he leaves, thankful that he’s too tired and stressed to wonder why I asked him such a thing.
Never before in my life have I been so torn. For me, there’s no longer a thin line between love and hate. They are two gigantic circles, and I find myself trapped in the overlapping center, loving Meg despite my hate, and hating her despite my love for her. The two sentiments are neck and neck in the race, so I can’t figure out which one is winning. Maybe there will never be one that wins out, and the rest of my life will be spent in this constant state of emotional turmoil.
And then there’s my father, who I don’t think I could ever hate. In fact, I love him so much that his betrayal has cut me wide open.
For the past few weeks, whenever I pick up Lennox from daycare, I take him to see my mom, if she hasn’t spent time with him earlier in the day, and make sure to leave before Dad comes home from work.
It’s not fair for me to keep his grandson from him, but I haven’t been able to face him yet, and it’s eating me up inside.
I need answers from him about why he did what he did, and now is as good a time as any, so I decide to head over to his office.
Parking at the medical facility across from the hospital that holds only my father’s practice, I walk inside to the front desk and ask Melody, his receptionist, to tell him his son would like to see him. A moment later she comes back and lets me into his office where I pace while waiting for him.
“Luke,” my dad says when he opens the door and comes inside wearing his white lab coat over his blue dress shirt and khakis. “Where the hell have you been?” he snaps, his hands on his hips, standing only a few feet away from me.
“Oh, you know, just spending some time with my son,” I tell him through clenched teeth. The pent-up anger causes my fists to clench by my sides and my throat to burn with the threat of tears. “How could you do this to me?” I ask him, trying to force myself to remain calm.
“It’s not like I’ve known for very long,” he says with a heavy sigh. “And someday, when you love a woman as much as I love your mother, you’ll understand that you would’ve done the same thing.”
“So you decided to hurt me instead of Mom? How is that
fair? You could’ve told me the truth, and I would’ve kept it from her!” I shout at him.
“I thought this was best for you too!” my father yells. “For four years you’ve given up your life to be there for your grieving mother. You’re only twenty. This would’ve been your chance to finally go to college, to walk away and live your life for you and no one else, just like I knew you wanted.”
“You wanted me to just walk away from Lennox?” I exclaim, tears blurring my vision. “You of all people should understand how much it hurts to lose a son.”
“Don’t bring your brother into this,” he points a finger in the air at me and warns.
“Oh, he’s in this whether I like it or not because you made him Lennox’s father! And if the situation had been reversed, you can’t tell me that you would’ve ever done this to Eli.”
“Exactly,” my dad replies. “Eli would’ve graduated with at least his bachelor's by now, probably be on his way to medical school. He could’ve handled the responsibility of being a father.”
My heart lurches to a stop in understanding.
“Eli could’ve handled being a father, but not me? That’s what you mean, right?” I ask. “And he’s the reason I didn’t go to college. Now he’s the reason my own damn son will never call me daddy.”
“You have no idea how difficult it is to raise children. How would you support the two of them?” he asks. “You can’t, so I took care of it.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” I ask in confusion. And then it hits me like a Mack truck, adding insult to injury. “You gave Meg money to lie.”
“How else was she supposed to raise a boy on her own while barely making a poverty level salary as a teacher?”
Blowing out a breath to the ceiling, I try to reel back my anger before I punch my own father in his face.
“I could’ve eventually forgiven you for keeping the truth from me, but this…you just outdid yourself. You’re father of the fucking year!” I shout at him before I storm over and grab the door handle. There’s one last parting shot I have to make at him before I can leave, though. “Maybe you’re right, and I would’ve been a shit father. But I would’ve done a helluva lot better job at it than you.”
