by Lane Hart
“Deal,” I say, shaking his offered hand. “As long as you forget the shit I said earlier, you know, that you could have Meg.”
“Forgotten,” he says when he pulls his palm away, “Along with the, ah, very…unique style of fighting I just saw being executed in the cage.”
Oh shit.
While I should be upset that he witnessed the cruel way I fucked Meg, I’ve always had a voyeur/exhibitionist type fetish. I like watching and have never minded the idea of being watched. There’s something about having a person wanting what’s mine that makes my cock turn to steel.
“I was just showing her the various fouls of cage fighting,” I hedge. “You know, the obvious ones you can’t forget like no hair pulling allowed, no holding on to the fence or using abusive language, and, um, most importantly, no groin attacks of any kind.”
Alex chuckles but tries to cover the sound with a cough. “Obvious fouls. I get it. Very important for everyone to know,” he says, playing along. “I think we’ll be able to share space as roommates just fine, don’t you?” he asks.
“Yeah, I think so,” I agree. “You got a sofa I can crash on tonight until I can get my bed moved over?”
“I’ll do you one better,” he says with a grin. “There’s already a bed in the spare room that you can use. I set it up in case my family came down to visit from Maryland, but my little sister’s only been able to make the trip once.”
“Thanks,” I tell him sincerely. “I really appreciate your help with all this. Ever since I found out the truth, I’ve felt like I was just…drifting by, not sure where to go.”
“Believe me, I get it,” he says. “That’s how you know it’s time to stand on your own two feet,” he says with a slap to my shoulder. “So, roomie, you mind giving me a ride home?”
…
Megan
As soon I walk through the front door, I head straight to the bathroom and turn on the shower. While the water heats up, I sit on the closed lid of the toilet and cry into my hands, facing the horrible truth that Luke is never gonna forgive me.
I thought that eventually he would spend time with me and Lennox and see how good we can be together, as a family. It was a naïve thought, and I clearly underestimated the amount of pain I’ve caused him.
Part of me is also ashamed to admit that I liked the rough way he took me tonight. It was intense and so…good. What’s wrong with me? Is there any limit to what I’ll let him do to me?
Obviously only having sex once in nearly four years has made me desperate for any type of intimacy, which is pathetic. Now I’ve had sex with Luke twice, each time so different from the other. The first one, frantic and desperate; the second, angry and aggressive.
At the same time, the way Luke acted tonight was almost scary. Before, I was certain that despite how angry he was that he would never actually hurt me. Maybe I’m wrong since he was so much more violent. Instead of starting to forgive me, I’m pretty sure he’s starting to hate me even more.
The one-sided relationship we had before wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t harmful. Now, I’m not so sure. I think Luke wants to physically punish me; and while I deserve it, I don’t want that to become all there is between us. It’s not good for either of us, so it’s best if we just end things, at least where intimacy is concerned…if you can call blowjobs and a brutal fucking intimate. Luke will always be Lennox’s father, and I would never keep his son from him again, but I don’t want things between Luke and me to get so out of hand that one day Lennox sees it.
Despite what I had hoped, sex obviously isn’t the cure to make up for all of my mistakes with Luke. The best I can hope for is that we can be cordial in front of Lennox; but instead of family time, it’s probably better for Luke to spend one-on-one time with his son, without me around to upset him. It won’t be easy to let go of the idea of the three of us being happy together. All those years I was away, Luke was all I thought about. I couldn’t help but wonder if I had made a huge mistake keeping Lennox from him, and if things could have been good between us if I hadn’t stayed away. I had hoped he would finish school and have a life without the struggles of being a teenage father. My son and those fantasies of a happily ever after are what kept me going through the loneliness and the times when I just wanted to give up and drop out of school. I didn’t have my parents to help or support me, which hurt, but at least my aunt was there to keep me from drowning in the stress and depression.
After my hot shower, I pull on my pajamas and grab my phone from my purse to take to bed in case Nancy calls about Lennox. That’s when I see the short message from Luke.
I’m sorry.
I stare at the two words, considering his apology and trying to figure out how I should respond.
Finally, I decide to lay out the truth, figuring it will be easier to say in a text than in person. I edit the message several times before I finally hit send.
I can’t do this anymore. You obviously can’t forgive me, which I understand, but I can’t keep fooling myself thinking that one day you’ll change your mind.
There. I’ve told Luke how I feel, and either he’ll text back that I’m right and it’s best if we don’t fool around anymore; or, and much more unlikely, he’ll say that, unlike my asshole father, he can forgive me if I give him more time.
I wait up for over an hour, hoping for Luke to say the latter, but he doesn’t respond at all. Eventually, I cry myself to sleep, knowing that it’s over and I have no one to blame but myself.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Luke
Saturday morning I wake up early after tossing and turning most of the night. It had nothing to do with sleeping in an unfamiliar bed. Alex’s guest bed was great. His apartment is nice and new, within jogging distance to Havoc, and seems like a really great housing community that includes a pool. No, I wasn’t able to sleep because I was still thinking about what happened between Megan and I last night and the message she sent me.
It was mean and stupid of me to treat her so degradingly, so it’s no surprise that afterward she was so upset that she told me we’re done. I knew that was coming, which is why I wanted to find a permanent place to stay.
Do I wish things were different? Hell yeah. I wish that a few weeks after Eli’s funeral I had gotten a call or a visit from Meg, telling me we were going to have a baby and asking me to help her raise him.
The old Meg I remember could never do something so awful to me. She was a sweet Christian girl who was in love with my brother. And then he died, and I ended up taking her virginity without a condom.
Yes, I totally blame myself for that lapse in judgment that lead to her getting pregnant. Is that why Meg stayed away? Because I was young and stupid and she blamed me for ruining her life?
After that night, I could maybe see why she wouldn’t think I would make a great father, but I thought Meg knew me, the real me, and that I had secretly loved her for years and wanted to be with her for more than one careless night.
Grumbling to myself about how fucked up everything is, I eventually roll my ass out of bed and decide to head home to shower since I don’t have any clean clothes or towels with me in my duffle bag. I also want to start packing up all my things to move into Alex’s permanently. While I haven’t been around my dad when I’ve visited my mom with Lennox, I can’t keep avoiding him, or my mom will start to wonder if there’s something up between us. I have to remind myself that I can’t glare at him, yell at him, or do anything else antagonistic around mom either.
Thankfully, when I pull up outside our house, my dad’s car is gone. No clue where he is, but I’m glad I won’t have to deal with him again just yet.
“Hey, Mom, it’s me,” I call out when I walk through the front door.
“Lucas Theodore Campbell! You know better than to go a day without checking in with your mother!” my mom shouts from inside the house, sounding like her old self from before Eli died.
“Sorry, Mom. I just talked to Dad yesterday, though,” I tell her,
remembering our shouting match in his office. “There’s been a lot going on. Linc had his twins, so I went by the hospital and all to check on him and Claire.”
“Aww. How are the boys and the new mommy doing?” my mom asks when she turns to me in the kitchen. Yes! My distraction tactic worked.
“They’re great. Really small but healthy,” I tell her. “Linc is a proud papa, and Claire’s recovering well.”
“Good, that’s so good, especially after Linc lost Thomas Lincoln all those years ago. He took it so hard.”
“Yeah, he did,” I agree, now somewhat understanding how tough that must have been on him. I can’t imagine anything happening to Lennox.
“Where’s dad?” I ask.
“Oh, he took Lennox with him to get us some lunch. Megan should be over here to get him soon.”
“Right,” I say with a cringe, remembering they were babysitting my son last night while I was degrading his mother.
“So, where have you been? What are your plans this weekend, sweetie?” my mom asks.
“I’ve actually been staying with a friend,” I answer, which is partially true. “You remember me telling you about Alex Stiles moving down here from the Havoc in Maryland? Well, he has a two-bedroom apartment he needs help paying the rent on, so he offered to let me move in.”
“Oh, well that’s great, honey. I hate that you’re moving out, but I’m happy for you if this is what you want,” my mom replies, giving me a hug.
“Thanks,” I tell her with a sigh of relief that she’s happy and not having a mental breakdown about me leaving the house. “And I’m thinking about finally looking into one of those EMT programs at the community college,” I say, since I figure I need to start somewhere if I want a decent job.
“Good for you. Your brother would be proud of you wanting to help save lives like they tried to save his,” she says with only a slight sniffle before she turns back to the dishes. Normally, just the mention of Eli’s accident would send her sobbing back to bed for hours, if not days. Lennox has been good for her, which is exactly why I can’t go and fuck that up, no matter how tough it is to handle being just his uncle.
“I’m gonna start packing up my things, but let me know when Lennox is back so I can see him before he leaves,” I tell her, starting up the steps to my bedroom.
There are some things I’ll keep here since I only need the essentials, clothes, shoes, underwear, linens and toiletries, a few photos. When I open my walk-in closet, I see the boxes of my childhood toys put away years ago when I outgrew them, most passed down to me from Eli. I quickly decide that Lennox should have them. Some might be too old for him now, but maybe one day he’ll play with them. Setting the box aside, I pack up the rest of my hanging clothes in luggage bags until my mom calls me down.
I hear my father’s voice talking to Lennox before I can see them. Getting my courage up before I let myself be seen, I stop on the next to last step with the box of toys under my arm and squeeze my eyes shut, trying to rein in the asshole from yesterday at my dad’s office and with Meg last night.
Ready to confront him without losing my cool in front of my mother, I straighten my spine and take the final steps until I’m joining them in the living room.
My father had his reasons for making the decisions he made, and now it’s time for me to make decisions of my own, starting with figuring out the type of man, the type of father I want to be.
“Hey,” I say as politely as I can manage.
“Hey,” Dad replies softly without making eye contact with me.
“Hi, Uncle Luke!” Lennox says when sees me, and then he comes over to wrap his arms around my legs, giving me a hug.
“Wow, have you grown a foot since the last time I saw you?” I ask him, and he nods with a proud smile. “Well, I’ve found you some things if your mom says you can have them,” I tell him as I squat down to sit the cardboard box on the floor. “These were some of my old toys…and your father’s,” I say even though the words scald my throat on the way out before I open the lid of the box.
“Yay! Thanks, Uncle Luke,” Lennox says, pulling the flaps on the top back to start digging around inside. He pulls out a Matchbox car in each of his small fists.
“Do you think these toys are all okay for him to play with?” I ask my dad.
“Yeah, sure,” he answers with a nod. “Thanks, son.”
“No problem,” I say as my mom joins us and asks Lennox about his new loot.
This unfamiliar tension between my father and I is so awkward that I need to get away from it as soon as possible. A part of me had hoped to stick around and see Meg, to maybe try and quietly talk to her, to apologize again for last night, but she called a halt to us. It’s probably best if I give her some space until we’re ready to work on being friends and remaining cordial when it comes to sharing Lennox.
“I’m gonna grab some more things from upstairs and probably head over to Alex’s to unpack,” I tell my parents.
“You’re moving out?” my dad asks, his eyebrows rising in surprise.
“Yep.”
“How are you gonna pay rent?” he asks. “Do you need me to give you a loan?”
“No, thanks, I’ll be fine,” I force through clenched teeth, holding back from commenting on that uncalled-for jab. “Bye, Lennox. See you later,” I tell everyone with a wave before I flee the uncomfortable scene.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Megan
Saturday afternoon, just after Lennox and I get home from Luke’s parents’ house, there’s an unexpected knock at the door. I peek out the window and see an expensive looking convertible in the driveway that’s not familiar. Lennox and I haven’t lived here long, so maybe they’re looking for the previous occupants.
Glancing through the peephole, the woman with a long brown braid hanging over one of her shoulders doesn’t look dangerous, or like a threat, so I open up.
“Hi, can I help you?” I ask her.
“Megan?” she asks, her brown eyes assessing me.
“Yes,” I answer, shocked that she knows my name.
“Hey, I’m Abby. Luke’s friend,” she explains right as Lennox comes running to the door and huddles against my legs to see who’s here. “Oh my God, he looks just like Luke!” she exclaims.
“He…he does look like his uncle, but you must not have known his father, Eli,” I clarify with the lie.
“No, I never met Eli, but I’ve seen pictures,” she says giving me a pointed look that says she’s not buying it.
Fine, as long as she doesn’t tell anyone, there’s no harm in her knowing the truth.
“I can’t believe he didn’t tell me,” she says with a shake of her head. “Anyway, that’s not why I’m here. Can I come in and talk to you for a moment?”
“Sure,” I say, taking a step back. “Lennox, why don’t you go play in your room while I talk to Uncle Luke’s friend?”
“Okay, mommy,” he says with a smile. “Bye, Uncle Luke’s friend,” he says to Abby before running off.
“He’s so cute,” she says. “He’s three, right?”
“Yeah,” I answer, shutting the door and leading her to the living room to take a seat on the end of the sofa.
“My daughter Eden’s ten months old,” she says when she sits down onto the opposite end. “She just took her first steps the other day.”
“I believe Luke told me that. He sounded very fond of her, and you.”
“I don’t have to tell you how special it was, seeing your baby get the courage to let go for the first time…”
“If you’re trying to make me feel even guiltier, that’s impossible,” I tell her. “And I thought that’s not why you came over.”
“Right, sorry. I’ve done things I’m not proud of, and I shouldn’t judge,” she says, fidgeting with her long braid. “Anyway, I’m here because I’m worried about Luke. Now it sort of all makes sense, I guess, but still…”
My heart skips a galloping beat in my chest. “What’s wrong with L
uke?” I ask, since I haven’t spoken to him since the text late last night.
“I think he’s fighting,” Abby says.
“He is a cage fighter, right?” I ask.
“No. I mean, yes, he is a cage fighter, but I don’t think he’s doing that kind of legal fighting,” she clarifies while wringing her hands in her lap nervously.
“So you think Luke’s fighting illegally?” I ask in confusion since I didn’t know there was a difference.
“Yes,” she answers with a nod. “Have you seen his face lately? He was pretty messed up when he came and stayed with us the other night. They don’t get those marks training at Havoc.”
“Oh,” I mutter in understanding, remembering the slight swelling and bruises not just on his face but also his stomach and ribs.
“So, I asked my husband Senn, and he said that a few weeks ago Luke wanted his old contacts. Senn used to fight underground, but he swears he didn’t give Luke any names or even help point him in the right direction.”
“Okay.”
“There are other fighters at Havoc who may have, though.”
“And this illegal fighting is…bad?” I ask since I’m not even very familiar with the legal aspect of the sport.
“Yes. Much more dangerous because there’s no oversight, no rules or regulations, and usually there is shady overhead.”
“So why would Luke be a part of that?” I ask.
“That’s what I didn’t understand either until I saw Lennox…”
“What does he have to do with anything?” I ask, crossing my arms over my chest in irritation.
“I think Luke is fighting because he needs cash. Cash to help you support his son, right?”
“Yes, Lennox is his son,” I admit quietly on a heavy exhale. “But I haven’t asked him for money. I don’t need his money. Between what I make and what his father tried to give me –” I slap my hand over my mouth when I realize my slip.
