by Adriana Law
“You okay?” Tori nudges my side. “You look pale. Need some air?”
I chuckle. Need some air? Hell, this is my stomping ground. This girl doesn’t even have a clue. Need some air? I chuckle again.
“I’m fine.” I lie, to her and to myself. “Moving forward,” I murmur, watching where I step. “Always moving forward.”
There are piles of clothes saturated with urine, discarded: vials, razor blades, pen casings for snorting, car antennas used as crack pipes, Band-Aids used to cover boils and sores caused by aids. We pass a young girl—eighteen maybe—laid out on the floor; a soiled comforter covered in mice dropping bunched under her head for a pillow. She looks up at us with cloudy distant eyes.
“Please don’t tell my brother I’m here. He’ll be angry … won’t understand … I’m bad … don’t deserve love … disappointed everyone,” the girl mumbles swatting at flies. She is a skin-and-bones crack-whore with smeared red lip stick. Outside she’d be considered psychotic, in here she’s invisible. Her lips move but no sound comes out, a silent conversation with her demons, the ones holding her captive. Her hands are pinned under the sides of her ass. She does this to try to control her hands, because in her state, there is little control.
I get it.
Tori is probably thinking the girl is acting like a mindless zombie, moaning and rocking. I glance over a shoulder and sure-enough Tori’s mouth is hanging open. She looks like she is about to bolt. I don’t blame her. Nobody wants to be here.
“Is she going to be okay?” Tori chokes out.
“Probably not,” I answer honestly. “When she comes down from the trip she’s on she will eat the first thing she can find, whether its moldy bread or something from the garbage. They don’t care what they eat. They’re only concerned about their next fix. That is ALL that matters.”
A scum bag appears on Tori’s left causing her to jump, startled. He looks about forty although he is probably still in his early twenties. Life is hard on you down here. It will age you in a heartbeat. Destroy you in a second. His stubble covered cheeks are sunk in. His body is frail and beat-up; inflamed sores scattered across his high forehead. He takes a long drag off a cigarette, the tip glowing. He is down here searching for company.
Tori’s eyes widen. She looks like a scared rabbit not knowing whether to surrender or run, so she remains still waiting for him to get bored and move on.
The guy’s desperate eyes travel down Tori’s body in a suggestive way; over the simple jeans and T-shirt. Hell, I’m shocked he is interested at all considering she doesn’t have the same amount of bare thighs and tits on display he is used to seeing. The guy’s slimy tongue flicks out wetting cracked lips. I can hear his nasty thoughts already seeing Tori’s head bobbing in his lap.
“I got what you need, sweetie. We could make a trade.” More fucking her with his eyes. “It’ll be good for both of us.”
“I-I’m not interested.”
“Get the hell off her,” I say giving him a hard shove. “She’s not going to be you’re slut.”
He stumbles. A grin spreads on his face showing broken teeth. His eyes are on me now. Thank god I changed. I don’t think I’d have the courage if I were dressed like I still belong here.
“If you’re jealous hotstuff I can do you both.”
“Fuck off creep!” I snarl.
My body trembles, but I don’t let it show. Never show your weakness. A couple of years ago I would have begged this creep to let me suck his dick for a trade.
“Hey, whatever.” He throws up his hands walking backwards until he is some distance away. “It’s your loss.”
He is afraid we’ll cut him and steal what he has. A quick lesson you learn down here; watch your back.
“Shit, Tori, walk,” I breathe urging her forward. We move deeper into the bowels of the basement, the smell of shit growing stronger.
“What’s behind the sheet?” Tori nods at the dingy sheet hanging from the ceiling to serve as a partition.
“That’s the bathroom door.”
She cocks her head, her eyes widening. “There’s a bathroom?”
“Yeah. Want to use it?” I chuckle. She looks horrified like I might be serious. “If you call a couple of five gallon buckets full of shit and urine a bathroom, then yeah there’s a bathroom. Keep moving.”
“Where’s the Clorox smell coming from?”
“They put it in the buckets.”
She gags, slapping a hand over her mouth. I almost do the same. You would think you’d get used to the smell, but you never do. It’s disgusting. This entire place is disgusting.
I grimace, remembering my pathetic past. “This place is like staring the devil straight in the face and having him stare back at you.” I feel sorry for Tori. “Sterling shouldn’t have sucked you into this world. You don’t belong here.” I tell her, wishing I could slap Bentley upside the head for being so inconsiderate.
“Neither do you, Starr.”
No one does.
“I don’t see him anywhere,” she says.
“We’ll keep looking.” I avoid telling her I know Sterling’s spot and we haven’t got there yet. I don’t want her to know whatever we’re about to see, whoever her boyfriend is latched onto, I was that girl once.
I hear Tori suck in a strangled breath as we come to the far left corner. My heart aches for her. I can feel her pain. There is nothing worse than being shown who you love is not who you think they are. Instead, they are the evil twin of your beloved. But your heart still longs the same for the evil twin regardless.
There, on the concrete, just like I knew it would be, lays a stained, broken down mattress. Sterling and some crack hoe are on it. He is sitting up, his back pressed to the cement block wall. His dark eyes narrow slits, his just-fucked hair a sure sign of what he’s been doing down here over the past four days, well that, and the fly of his jeans open showing the line of hair surrounding his temporarily tucked away penis. A short sleeve black T-shirt shows the tattoos on his arms.
Sterling has always been way too pretty to be down here; a diamond in the rough.
There’s a cigarette stuck over his right ear and a broken miniature Jack Daniels bottle in his hand, a handmade crack pipe. His attention is on the rock of cocaine on top the foil. He strikes the lighter underneath the glass, heating the cocaine. His eyes shut in anticipation. He inhales deeply. His eyes roll back in his head, his head collapsing against the wall.
Sterling is fucked up; in more ways than one.
My gaze slides to Tori standing beside me. I reach for her hand, squeezing it to let her know I’m still here. Her face is pale. She’s not crying. Not allowing the curse words to fly like I would be. She just watches with a blank expression that makes the hairs on my arms stand-on-end, like she is absorbing it in, finally seeing the truth.
“Does he ever black out?” she asks, her eyes still on Sterling.
“Sometimes.”
“Has he ever been to jail?” Another crazy question. This girl truly has no idea who she is getting mixed up with. I think that is becoming clear.
“Yeah, for possession with intent to distribute, shoplifting, loitering….”
Her eyes clamp close.
I feel sorry for her. You can’t help who you love.
“Has her ever gotten a girl pregnant?”
My fucking stomach plummets to the floor. I’m not sure how to answer. I’m not sure I want to answer.
“Once. The girl had a miscarriage in her second month.”
Sterling lifts his head, his head bobbing on his shoulders. He passes the crack pipe to the trampy girl stretched out next to him: her lowered eyelids are painted a coal color, her blonde hair greasy looking with its two inches of black roots, but she’s got the tits guys drool over spilling out for all to see, pink nipples puckering in the air. If I was Tori I’d grab this bitch by the hair and drag her off the mattress screaming and kicking. Then I’d plant my foot in Sterling’s crotch making it hurt where it counts.
His eyes land on us standing there. A cocky-ass grin makes a slow appearance.
“This isn’t going to be pretty,” I whisper to Tori, warning her.
“Look who’s here … my two favorite girls,” Sterling slurs, arms spread wide as if we’re his best friends in the world. He crawls toward us over the mattress and pops up to his feet.
The blonde doesn’t give a fuck what Sterling does; she’s too busy sucking on the pipe, escaping her own shitty reality.
I’ve seen that glassy look in Sterling’s eyes before. He’s out of it, thinking he can take on the whole damn world at the moment. Believing he is one happy motherfucker.
He approaches Tori with the grace of a three-legged dog on crack, his eyes never leaving her. He strokes her arm and I can see her flinch and pull away.
“I’m surprised you’re still here,” he says to her, chuckling low. “I thought you would have already run home by now crying to mommy and daddy. Played with your wood,” he grabs hold of the crotch of his jeans, moving his penis around. “I got some wood you can play with.” She holds his gaze, barely blinking. “It’s hard.” His hand leaves his dick long enough to reach for her wrist, his fingers circling it. He tugs, attempting to bring her hand to his crotch. Her arm stays glued to her side, stiff, fighting his pull. “Come on, feel it,” he urges.
She blinks, looking like she’s about to throw up in his face. I wish she would.
An eyebrow rises. “What’s wrong, Phoenix? You don’t approve … A little too nasty for your taste?” His fingers leave her wrist sliding up and down her arm. His lashes lowered seductively. “Still want to be a part of my world, baby?”
“Back the hell up,” I say, a palm planted in the center of his chest. “Give her some room to breathe.”
“Hey, you bitches came into my territory.” He wobbles, grinning.
“You can’t disappear and expect her not to worry, Sterling. You left her sitting in your apartment, alone.”
He moves over to me, having trouble keeping his eyes focused on one thing. “Nobody said she had to stick around.” He steps closer, closing the distance between us. He knows I don’t like anyone in my personal space unless I’m high off my ass. I’ve been raped far too many times to be comfortable with any guy trying to establish some dominance over me. I know what a guy like him can do if he wants to. The pain he can cause.
“You miss it don’t you,” he taunts, focusing on torturing me and not Tori. “Why else would you be here? I can make you feel good, Star. You know that. I know you haven’t forgotten how good it can be.” His smile is wicked. I can almost hear the devil in there somewhere bending a finger for me to come on over to the dark side.
“I’m here for your girlfriend, asshole,” I growl in Sterling’s face.
His mouth hovers near mine. My heart races, too many bad old memories.
“I don’t have a girlfriend,” he announces. “It can be like old times. Don’t tell me you don’t want it. You can’t hide it. I can see it in your eyes.”
“You stink.”
“Come party with me and in a few minutes you won’t care what I smell like,” he says, nodding at the mattress on the floor. I never want to end up back there.
“Don’t—” I try to protest but his mouth crushes over mine. My lips remain closed, tight, unmoving. I hold my breath. It’s a rough kiss. An angry kiss. A kiss that destroys any hope he had with Tori. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hard not to kiss Sterling back. I shove against his chest until he allows me to break the kiss.
“What the fuck was that?” I yell, wiping the remnants of his spit off my mouth.
Both of us glance over at Tori at the same time. Her eyes glisten with unshed tears. She turns and takes off running, weaving and sidestepping through all the chaos.
“Why would you kiss me in front of her? Are you a complete asshole! I THOUGHT you were my friend … but I’m not so sure I want to be friends with you anymore. That was way beyond fucked up even for you!” I rant. “You know she has it bad for you. Anybody can see it! Are you trying to destroy her?” I aim a finger at the whore passed out on the mattress. “Because if your intention is to screw up whatever you two have. I think you’ve succeeded.”
Sterling looks shell-shocked, comprehension dawning. “I … she…”
“You’re going to regret it tomorrow. Tomorrow when you wake up and realize you’ve chased off anyone that ever cared.”
His mask of happiness slips.
He goes to move past me like he’s going to go after Tori.
I block him. “Oh no, I’m not letting your ass anywhere near her, even if I have to put her on a plane myself.”
He grabs hands full of his hair, yanking as if he’d love nothing more than to rip it out by the roots.
“What the hell is wrong with me?” He growls, smacking his forehead hard several times with his palm. “Fuck. He’s right I am a screw up. I sabotage anything good!”
Suddenly he is fixated on me again. Oh hell what’s going to be his next insane move?
“You have to talk to her. Fix it.” He sinks to the floor on his knees in front of me and wraps his arms around my right leg. A choked sob rocks his body as he presses his forehead to my leg. It’s not unusual for him to get melodramatic when he uses. His emotions are all over the place. It’s difficult to tell which is real.
“Please, Starr,” he begs into my jeans. “This isn’t me and you know it.”
“If you don’t get your shit together, Sterling, people are going to stop looking for you.” I should console him. Put a hand on his bent head and tell him it’s okay, but I can’t. I can’t baby him. He needs to face the truth, the harsh truth. There always comes the day when they stop looking for you.
“Let go of my leg.” I struggle to keep my voice steady as I attempt to shake him off.
His fingertips press into the back of my leg. His hold tightens becoming desperate. I manage a couple of steps dragging him. He pulls back and stares up at me with a haunted expression, his wet lashes coal black. A lonely tear slowly slips down his cheek.
This is going to be harder than I thought.
I reach down and pry him off my leg. He collapses in a heap, looking like he is praying and kissing my feet. He tackles my ankles.
“No. Don’t leave. I’m scared. Don’t leave me,” Sterling pleads. Now he is bawling and it’s hard to watch. His mind isn’t working right. I’ve been there. I crave going there now. I think about using and then I think about dying. I’d never gotten as bad as Sterling, but I was getting there. Once I’d seen a girl that no longer could find a vein to shoot into anymore that wasn’t collapsed she’d had to resort to stabbing herself with the syringe. The front of her shirt was soaked with blood and puke. I’m still terrified that will be me one day.
Staying clean is a constant battle.
A lump forms in my throat. I wrench my feet out of Sterling’s grasp and back away.
I kneel in front of him and grab a hand full of hair forcing his head up. He has trouble focusing on my face, but I know he hears me. “Go fuck your whore, Ster. Do your drugs. Life won’t stop just because you no longer want to participate. Everyone you care about and love will move on without you. You’ll wither away to nothing but skin and bones and die in this shithole because you’re too damn weak to do anything about it. If you want to self-destruct than you’ll have to do it by yourself.”
“Please, don’t—” he cries, snot dripping from his nose and saliva gathering in the corner of his mouth. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Bullshit. You know exactly what to do. You’re just too selfish. You’d rather hurt the people who love you instead of giving it up. ” I release his head letting his chin hit his chest. I stand up, turn and walk away from my best friend, the one that changed my life and didn’t even know it. If I hadn’t lost the baby from my inability to stay clean then I never would have realized just how far I’d fallen. I never would have hated myself enough to get help. Losing the life
that was inside of me was my rock-bottom.
Uncovering the Truth
Victoria
The side door to the building opens. I stop pacing in the alley my head turning towards the moan of steel. My stomach sinks the instant I see Starr. Her face is pale. Her body is trembling.
“Where’s Sterling?”
“He’s not coming,” she says already headed toward the exit to the alley.
I struggle to keep up. “What do you mean he’s not coming? We can’t leave him there. We have to go back in there and make him come with us.”
She comes to a sudden stop swinging to face me. “Look, I get that you want to make him come with us, but it doesn’t work that way. We can’t make Sterling do anything. He has to want to do it.” Behind her the busy street is filled with traffic: yellow cabs, honking horns, moody drivers anxious to get home. It’s all irrelevant.
“But we can’t leave him in there. What if something happens to him?” comes out in a gush of panic.
Starr sighs. “Tori, he’s where he wants to be. Besides you can’t talk any sense into him while he’s like that. And yeah, bad shit happens every day. Sterling knows the risk and he doesn’t care.”
“You can convince him,” I return. Sterling kissed her. They were something once. Starr could convince him if she tried. I shudder considering the alternative. “I can’t stand the thought of him with that girl. Please don’t leave him in there with her.”
“I’m sorry.” She shakes her head and turns, headed toward the restaurant. “It has to be his decision. I can’t do it for him. You can’t do it for him. Best thing you can do is be on the next flight out of here and forget about him.” Her bottom lip twitches and I know, even though Starr is acting like this isn’t bothering her, it is. “I’m starting to think Sterling is a lost cause.”
