by Fay Keenan
It felt like an age that she sat there with Harry, saying nothing but trying to transmit reassurance through her physical presence. He’d lapsed into silence, apart from the odd shaky breath, but he seemed to draw strength from having her there beside him.
Eventually, Kate’s knees were growing stiff, and she made a move.
‘I think we should get you upstairs and somewhere more comfortable.’ Standing creakily, she was relieved when he, too, stood up.
‘It’s all right,’ he said softly. ‘I can take it from here on my own.’
‘Are you sure?’ Kate didn’t want to leave him.
Harry smiled. ‘I’m not about to do anything stupid. Well, more stupid.’
‘Having a panic attack isn’t stupid,’ Kate said. ‘It can happen to anyone. Okay, making it from Bay Tree Terrace to here at the speed you did while having a panic attack, well, I can’t work out if that’s stupid or some world record, but you can’t get stuck in a spiral about it now.’
They both stood, slightly awkwardly, at the bottom of the stairs, until Harry gave Kate a brief smile. ‘I mustn’t keep you from your family. Honestly, Kate, I’m completely okay with how this works now. It’s just been a while since I’ve had one as bad as this but I’ll be fine.’
‘If you’re sure,’ Kate said, a note of doubt in her voice. She knew it was equally important to be guided by the person when it came to panic attacks, and not to crowd them, and she didn’t want to invade Harry’s space if that wasn’t what he wanted.
‘I’m sure.’ Harry put his hands on Kate’s shoulders before drawing her to him in a tight hug. ‘You’ve done more than enough already.’
For a long, delicious moment, Kate luxuriated in the warmth of the hug. It felt so right to be here, in his arms. Their chemistry had always crackled, and now she’d seen how vulnerable he could be, a layer of protectiveness and compassion, a deeper understanding, had been added to that attraction. But he was right; the family were waiting back at Bay Tree Terrace for her.
‘Call me tomorrow?’ Kate said as they broke apart again. ‘Or any time before then if you need me.’
‘I’m fine, Kate, I promise.’ Harry drew her to him, and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. ‘It’s nothing that hasn’t happened before; it just crept up on me, when I thought I was going to be all right.’ He shook his head. ‘I’ve been around so many babies and children over the years, I can’t think what the trigger was this time.’
‘It’s been a mad few weeks,’ Kate said. ‘I’m not sure if I’m coming or going, half the time; you must be exhausted too after being ill. Perhaps you just need to take a deep breath – metaphorically speaking – and think about what you want, and how you feel.’
‘Very wise.’ Harry gave a shaky laugh. ‘But if I told you that I think I already know the answer to both of those questions, and she’s standing right in front of me, what would you say?’
Kate smiled up at Harry, experiencing a flutter in her stomach that she’d grown accustomed to when she was with him. ‘I’d say go and relax for the night, and we’ll talk about this another time.’
‘Fair enough.’ Harry kissed her one more time before turning to the stairs.
‘You’ll be okay walking back by yourself?’
‘Of course. Take care, Harry.’
As Kate watched Harry ascend the stairs to his flat, she tried to untangle the complex, knotted skein of emotions that being with him evoked in her. She knew she was beginning to let herself feel again, after such a long time of being too afraid to make that leap. The question was, was it the right thing to do, given her current living arrangements, his clearly fragile issues and three growing sons to consider? Shaking her head in bewilderment as she wandered back out of Harry’s door, she set off home to spend some time with Mia, Sam, Florence and the rest of the family. Perhaps just being there with them this evening would give her the clarity she finally needed about just what to do with the rest of her life.
54
‘Everything okay?’ Florence asked as, twenty minutes later, Kate walked back out into the garden of Florence and Sam’s house.
Kate smiled at her sister-in-law. ‘Yes, I think so.’
Sam, Aidan and Tom had retreated inside with Corey, Will and Tom to play the latest Call of Duty on Sam’s PlayStation, to continue the game Sam and Corey had started before Mia’s somewhat precipitous arrival. The sounds of various guns and explosions drifted out of the living room as they played, but they weren’t loud enough to wake Mia, who was snoozing peacefully in the Moses basket next to the garden sofa. Selina was indoors making a cup of tea, and had thankfully refrained from asking too many questions when Kate had walked back into the house. Kate knew they’d come later, though.
‘It never ceases to amaze me that two guys who used to be in the armed forces can spend so much time shooting imaginary insurgents in a video game,’ Kate observed as she poured herself a glass of wine from the bottle in the ice bucket on the picnic table. ‘You’d have thought they’d have seen enough of the real thing.’
‘Aidan told Sam it was kind of cathartic,’ Florence said. ‘And they’re both so competitive, they can’t stand the thought of their nephews continually kicking their arses!’
‘That sounds more accurate.’ Kate laughed. ‘Aidan and Sam were horrendously competitive as kids, even though they loved each other so much. The times I had to mediate between them, even in card games.’ Kate took a sip of her wine. ‘I don’t think Sam ever really got over it when Aidan beat his one hundred metres school record two years after Sam had set it. He still brings it up at family gatherings.’
‘He’s always been a bit of a perfectionist, hasn’t he?’ Florence mused. ‘I hope he doesn’t turn into a super competitive dad when this one’s old enough to notice.’
‘He’ll be fine,’ Kate said, ‘although he’ll probably go into training for the parents’ races at Sports Day!’ She looked thoughtful. ‘You’re going to be great at this, you know.’
Florence smiled. ‘Don’t. My hormones are shot to pieces as it is. The sight of a new baby giraffe at Bristol Zoo’s Wild Place on BBC Points West finished me off at lunchtime!’
‘They’ll soon settle down,’ Kate said, smiling too. ‘Although, having said that, I still can’t watch any films involving children or animals in danger – even Home Alone can catch me if I’m having an off day!’
‘Great!’ Florence rolled her eyes. ‘So what you’re saying is I’m basically going to be a basket case for the rest of my life.’
‘That’s exactly what I’m saying. But you’ll get used to it,’ Kate said.
‘So, er, am I allowed to ask what freaked Harry out?’
Kate paused, wondering if she should disclose Harry’s situation to Florence, who was, admittedly, trustworthy and an all-round lovely person. It wasn’t her confidence to give, but it felt weird not to tell her.
‘He’s got some complex history around having kids,’ Kate said, hoping to keep it vague. ‘And being here this afternoon triggered his anxiety. He was much better when I left him, though.’
‘So… is it serious between you guys?’ Florence asked. ‘I mean, staying in touch when you go home serious, or is this just for the summer?’
Kate took another sip of her wine before she answered. ‘Honestly, Florence? I just don’t know.’ She leaned back on the garden sofa, staring up at the rapidly darkening sky. ‘I really, really like him. He’s clever, funny, actually seems to want to listen to what I have to say, and, most importantly, I feel like I can trust him.’
‘And you obviously fancy the pants off him,’ Florence added wryly. ‘Aidan said you got home the other night with the biggest smile on your face, and he reckoned you hadn’t just played chess all evening!’
‘Bloody gossipy little brothers,’ Kate grumbled good-naturedly. ‘I didn’t even know he was still awake when I got home. I know he just wants to see me fixed up again, but I don’t know if that’s what I want.’
‘Well, who say
s you have to decide?’ Florence said. ‘I know you’re not used to taking things as they come, but perhaps it’s time just to go with the flow and see where it takes you.’
‘That’s just it.’ Kate sighed. ‘So much has changed over the past couple of years, and I don’t know which way to jump now. I mean, should I just chuck all of my cards up in the air and say fuck it, move to Willowbury and take a risk that Harry and I might become something more permanent, thus potentially incurring the wrath of two of my sons, who haven’t a clue what’s been going on this summer, and probably won’t take kindly to being moved away from their dad and all their friends, or do I just go back to Cambridge and an annexe in Mum’s garden that’s too small for me and three boys, and watch my bank balance getting smaller as house prices spiral away from me?’
Kate looked at Florence, who was regarding her thoughtfully. ‘What?’
‘Well, who says a move here has to be about whether or not something will happen with Harry?’ she said after a pause. ‘I mean, you’ve been saying all summer how nice it is that the three of you, Sam, Aidan and yourself, are all enjoying each other’s company. Can’t the move be about what you want, rather than worrying about what your boys might not want? Or what Harry might want? Isn’t that the question you should be asking yourself? After all, in a few years, the boys will be off to university, or starting their grown-up lives in other ways; don’t you think maybe you’re allowed to do something just for you, and forget everything or everyone else?’
Kate shook her head. ‘You talk a lot of sense for a woman who’s just had a baby.’
‘Thanks,’ Florence said wryly. ‘Think about it, though. Isn’t it time you decided what was best for you?’
‘If I promise I’ll try, can I have another glass of wine?’ Kate replied.
‘Feel free.’ Florence sighed. ‘I’m on a booze ban for a bit longer, anyway, so you might as well have my share.’
‘With pleasure,’ Kate said. As she got up and went to top up her glass, she glanced over the garden wall at the empty, unloved house on Bay Tree Terrace that adjoined Sam and Florence’s place and rounded off the dwellings.
‘Do you know who owns that place?’ she asked, taking a sip from her newly replenished glass.
Florence shook her head. ‘No one’s lived there since I’ve been here. I reckon someone around here would know, though. Why do you ask?’
‘Oh, you know, just curious,’ Kate said. ‘It would make someone a good project.’
‘Someone?’ Florence asked, that wry note in her voice again. ‘Would that someone be you, by any chance?’
‘It’s probably not big enough for me and the boys, anyway,’ Kate replied hastily. ‘I mean, you’ve only got the three bedrooms upstairs, haven’t you?’
‘Yeah, but I reckon that house is bigger,’ Florence said. ‘It’s got three windows at the back, see, and we’ve only got two. Wouldn’t surprise me if there was a box room or something you could use as a bedroom if you wanted to.’
Kate looked again. ‘You’re right,’ she said, feeling a sudden fizz of excitement, before quashing it again. After all, the house wasn’t even on the market. ‘But it’s all pie in the sky, really. I mean, for all we know, it’s just being left as an investment, and the owners are waiting for the market to rise high enough to sell it.’
‘True enough,’ Florence replied, ‘although, to be honest, the railway station’s been open a few years now, so any commuter related property bounce will have happened already. Whoever does own it might be open to selling. But it would need a lot of work. Are you sure you’d be up for a project like that?’
Kate laughed. ‘Steady on. I was just thinking out loud. Next time, I’ll try to do it more quietly.’
‘It would be nice, though.’ Florence sounded a little dreamy now, which Kate put down to post-partum sleep deprivation. ‘Imagine, the three of you all living on Bay Tree Terrace.’
Kate shook her head. ‘I’m not sure if that’s a dream or a nightmare! Aidan might well argue the latter.’
‘Well, it’s worth the thought,’ Florence said. ‘And if it means you get to spend a bit more time with Harry as a by-product of that, then all the better, right?’
‘Let’s just keep our feet on the ground, shall we?’ Kate said, although inside, her mind was whirring. What if that house was achievable? Would she really take the plunge and move to Willowbury? Deciding that, after the day she’d had, now really wasn’t the time to start thinking too deeply, she sat back on the garden sofa, drank her wine, and tried to relax.
55
A little the worse for wear after another glass of wine, but safe in the knowledge that she’d told the boys to come back to Aidan and Tom’s place before ten o’clock, which was their ‘holiday’ bedtime, Kate rather unsteadily hopped over the dividing wall between the two houses on Bay Tree Terrace but paused before she put her key in the front door of Aidan and Tom’s place. Curiosity, and that persistent itch of an idea that was just dying to be scratched made her mooch back out onto the pavement in front of the whole terrace and take a closer look at number three.
It certainly looks in a sorry state, she thought as she ambled up the cracked, weed-riven pathway to the front door with the paint peeling off it. The downstairs windows were grimy although none were broken, but it made it difficult to see, in what was left of the evening light, what the inside of the place might be like. Glancing behind her, to make sure no one was passing by to wonder what she was up to, she stepped off the garden path and put her hands and eyes up to the dirty front window, trying to get a glimpse of what lay behind the glass. It was difficult to make much out, but what she did see wasn’t exactly an edifying sight. Faded wallpaper, with a pattern last in vogue in the 1980s, lined the walls of the front room, and looked rather unpleasantly nicotine-stained, unless that was just time and age or, even worse, damp. There was an equally grimy patterned carpet, the swirls of which Kate could just make out in the dying light, but no furniture. Next to the decidedly 1930s beige tiled fireplace was a dull brass coal scuttle, shoved wonkily to one side as if someone had decided that there was very little point in removing it, but nothing else graced the room. It looked as though it hadn’t had a foot set in it for a very, very long time.
The dimensions were good, though. Florence and Sam’s place, being mid-terrace, was a little more regularly shaped, with decent sized rooms, but Kate’s impression was that this house on the side of the terrace might be slightly bigger. She knew there was an extension on the back, too, which was two storeys and perhaps added a fourth bedroom. A fourth bedroom, with three sons of her own, would be perfect. A flicker of excitement began to kindle in her stomach and her mind. How hard could it be to find out who owned this place in a small town like Willowbury, after all? Everyone seemed to know everyone around here, and she was sure someone would know. What if they could be persuaded to sell?
Shaking her head, she tried to ground her thoughts and her emotions again. She’d had a lot to drink and she hadn’t even seen inside the place, except through the grubby front window. It could all be a pipe dream. And there was no guarantee that whoever owned it would want to sell, anyway. Glancing at her watch, she turned to walk back down the garden path and back to the house where she was currently living. As she did so, her phone buzzed with a text. Feeling mellow from the wine, she swiped the notification without paying much attention to the sender.
Her heart started to thump painfully in her chest, and that old, familiar sick feeling began to rise as it hadn’t for nearly six months now; she really wished she’d ignored the message. Slumping down on the low wall that separated the unlived in, unloved house on Bay Tree Terrace from the other two, she swallowed down the bile that had shot up into her mouth at the name and message on the screen. Although she knew the conversation she was being asked to have was going to happen at some point, she really, really couldn’t deal with it right now. She stood back up, on slightly shaky legs, and walked back to Tom and Aidan’s house. Th
e message had been from Jennifer, Phil’s new partner, and had simply read:
Can you call me when you get a moment. I’d like to discuss the plans for the new baby.
After a night spent tossing and turning, Kate threw back her bedclothes in frustration. Was it too early to call Jennifer? She glanced at her watch. It was six thirty. Probably, she conceded grimly.
Time had done much to dull the anger and the pain that she’d first felt when Phil had come clean about his affair, but that didn’t mean she was ready to have regular contact with Jennifer. Where necessary, and for the sake of her children, she’d communicated with her, and she’d often found herself thinking that, had circumstances been different, she might even have considered being friends with her. But circumstances weren’t different. Jennifer would always be the woman that Phil fell in love with to replace her. That would always be the inescapable, inalienable truth, no matter how many years passed, and how much internal peace she tried to make.
Realising that no one in the house was going to be stirring for a while, with Corey and Will crashed out in the bedroom upstairs, and Tom, true to his word, still fast asleep on the sofa, Kate decided to take herself off for an early walk to clear her head before she made the call. Unable to face breakfast, she dressed quickly and headed out of the house.
At six thirty in the morning, the High Street was, unsurprisingly, empty. Wandering up the incline in the direction of Willowbury Hill, hoping that a brisk stroll would clear the cobwebs, not just from the sleepless night over the text but also from the wine, Kate found herself looking up at the front window of Harry’s flat as she passed Vale Volumes. She wondered how he’d slept. Perhaps when she’d spoken to Jennifer, she’d give him a call, too. God knows she might need cheering up after that, although given Harry’s state of mind yesterday, perhaps they’d be cheering each other up.
