Beth nods. “That’s an interesting way of doing things.”
Jacki’s question about Shiloh being shut down hangs over me. “What do you mean that Shiloh was shut down?” I ask Jacki.
Her wide brown eyes dart to Holly and back to me. “You know. Just that the cops raided it and shut it down. Arrested that guy. What was his name?”
“William Albert,” Beth says.
I shake my head. “There wasn’t anyone in Shiloh by that name. I think you’re mistaken.” I knew they couldn’t have shut Shiloh down. The Lord would never permit it.
Beth glances up at me. “I think you knew him as Milton Berman, sweetie. Big guy? Glasses? He changed his name to hide from the law.”
Scowling, I stare down at my plate. Suddenly the delicious rice and vegetables don’t seem so appetizing. Elder Berman? That can’t be right. He is our leader. The Lord’s mouthpiece. A prophet.
Tears sting my eyes.
“Alaina, honey? You okay?” Beth reaches over and puts her hand on my shoulder.
The pressure of her touch irritates one of my scabbed over cuts. I wince and lean away as she jerks her hand back.
“I’m sorry. I forgot about your…” she trails off as the first tear slips down my cheek.
I look up at Jacki. “What about the rest of them?”
She stares at me, mouth open like she wants to answer but can’t seem to find the words.
Beth clears her throat. “You can read the articles after dinner if you’d like. I’ll print them for you. And then if you have questions, we can talk.”
I rub my eyes with the backs of my hands. “Okay.” It takes me a few more blinks to stop the tears entirely.
That night I dream Elder Berman enters my room and beats me. When he finishes, I turn and look at him. Instead of the great prophet I’ve admired and revered my entire life, I see the scruffy looking man with hard, angry eyes from the articles that Beth showed me.
CHAPTER FIVE
ALAINA
I spend the next few days in my room except for meals and to use the bathroom. The whole time I pray for guidance and forgiveness, begging the Lord to reveal my purpose here. My heart won’t accept that Shiloh is closed down. It’s not possible. Even if Elder Berman were taken away, surely one of the other Elders would step up and lead us, keep things going.
Holly has tried to speak to me through the door, but I wouldn’t answer.
On the morning of the fourth day, as I’m praying for a sign, she pushes a bible under my door. It’s a small, pocket-sized book with a flawless black cover and gold lettering. It’s pretty.
“I bought this for you yesterday,” she says through the door.
I stoop down and pick it up.
He’s listening.
My purpose is clear now. He wants me to use this time on the outside as an opportunity to observe. Maybe what I learn here can help on mission trips when I return to Shiloh.
I cradle the bible to my chest. It’s not the King James Version that we use at Shiloh, but it’s something.
At lunch, I decide to end my three-day silence.
“Beth?” I say quietly.
She smiles at me.
“How do I…Can you help me find another dress?” I’ve been wearing the same two dresses with the same gray top. Despite my regular bathing, they need to be washed and I don’t have anything else that’s suitable to wear.
“I’ll do it!” Holly practically shouts. “Let’s go to the mall!”
I’ve heard of malls. Large buildings dedicated to materialism and greed. “No, thank you,” I say quickly. “Is there somewhere else to find a dress? Maybe a local seamstress I can barter with?” I’d make my own, but I am terrible at sewing. All the other girls in Shiloh would make their own dresses and skirts. I usually had to find something to trade with them if I wanted a new one. Naomi made me her personal slave for a month in exchange for a navy skirt and blouse set.
“A seamstress?” Holly laughs.
Beth shoots Holly a warning glance. “There’s a TJ Maxx down the road we could try if you’re not interested in checking out the mall.”
“Do they barter?”
Holly snorts and Beth sighs loudly. “Enough Holly.” She turns to me. “Bartering isn’t really done out here. Most people prefer money.”
I lower my head. “Oh. Never mind then.” I don’t have any money.
Beth touches my arm gently. “Honey, I’ll buy you clothes.”
Shaking my head, I look up at her. “No. It’s okay. I’ll find some other way. The Lord’s people don’t concern themselves with money or anything else that could lead to greed and materialism. Besides, we’re taught to earn things, either by trade or by labor.”
Holly scowls at me across the table.
“I insist,” Beth says. “I promised your mother I’d take good care of you. That means making sure you have nice clothes.”
My throat constricts at the mention of Mother.
“I’ll tell you what,” Beth continues. “You can barter with me, okay? Trade me your hospital gown and I’ll get you some new clothes.”
I shake my head. “That’s not a fair trade. The hospital gown doesn’t belong to me and holds no value.”
She sighs and smiles sadly. “Alaina, you’re not making this easy on me.”
“Get a job,” Holly says. “Then you’re bartering work for money and then you can barter money for clothes.”
As much as I want to avoid dealing with money at all, it seems like the only option here.
Beth scoffs. “Where will she work?”
“She can get a paper route or something.” Holly waves her hand and rolls her eyes before turning to me. “Jacki’s brothers deliver papers. I’ll talk to her for you. It’s really easy. Just walk around and throw newspapers on people’s porches.”
“No,” Beth says. “If anyone from the State found out, I’d look like some kind of monster.”
“It’s a paper route,” Holly argues. “She’s not going to work in a sweatshop or anything.”
I sigh. It appears that there is no other choice. And the way Holly explains it, bartering labor for money and money for clothes, it’s as close as I will come to doing an even trade.
“Just try it once,” Holly says to me. “If you hate it…” She shrugs.
I chew my lip, thinking things over. Is this okay? Is there any danger in laboring for sinners? What would Mother say? It’s all so confusing. I wish I could speak to her and ask for her guidance, but I can’t. It’s up to me to make this decision.
While it means being out among the sinners, it also means opportunities to observe for Shiloh.
“Okay,” I say. “I’ll try the paper route.”
The next day Holly takes me to Jacki’s neighborhood to deliver papers. I’m shocked to discover that Holly has her own vehicle; a small blue car with two doors instead of four. It takes everything in my power not to play with the rainbow colored beads that hang from the rearview mirror.
“You’re gonna sweat to death in that,” she says, turning onto a street lined with enormous houses.
I look down at the heavy navy skirt and lavender tee-shirt Holly gave me out of her own closet before glancing over at her bare legs and bare shoulders.
“You should really think about trying some shorts. Or at least capris. I can’t have you running around looking like Laura Ingalls. Everyone will think you’re crazy.” She takes a sharp left into the driveway of a large tan house that is easily twice the size of Beth and Holly’s.
“Who is Laura Ingalls?” I ask, unbuckling my seatbelt.
Holly ignores me and gets out of the car. I hurry to catch up.
The idea behind newspaper delivery is simple enough. But actually doing it is much harder. The bag is heavy and by the sixth house I understand why Holly was concerned about my clothing. I am pouring sweat.
Holly walks ahead of me, flinging a paper over someone’s fence. It hits the front door with a thud before landing neatly on their porc
h. I suppose that’s the way to do it. And here I’ve been walking up to each house and placing each paper gently on the stoop.
The door to the house swings open and a woman sticks her head out, looking around. She spots us.
“Y’all banging on my door?” She scowls.
Holly shakes her head. “No ma’am. Just delivering papers.”
The woman glances down at the paper at her feet before shooting us one more dirty look and closing the door. I notice that she leaves the paper on the porch.
Maybe throwing papers isn’t the best method.
Holly pulls her keys out of her back pocket. “I’m going back. It’s hot as hell and this is your job, not mine.” She turns on her heel and starts up the street toward Jacki’s house.
I sigh and watch her go.
Walking up to the next house alone, I take a moment to admire the perfection. It's huge and white with a navy blue front door. The windows have navy shutters with red, decorative stars on them. Silver urns on either side of the front steps hold bushes that have been trimmed into spheres. A three car garage boasts the letter “G” monogrammed on each door in navy blue paint.
If everything here requires money, I wonder what kind of job a person has to do in order to afford a house like this.
The front door rattles before opening wide and I'm face-to-face with a boy who appears close to my age. I suck in a breath, suddenly dizzy. He’s tall with dark hair and the most pretty blue eyes; a combination I’ve never seen. There’s a silver ring through the left side of his lower lip. For a moment, all I can do is stare. Even with the strange ring in his lip, I’ve never seen someone so attractive.
“Can I help you?” His shirt is similar to Holly’s; sleeveless and fitted to his body in a way that makes my mouth dry. He crosses his bare arms over his chest and my eyes fall on intricate images embedded in the skin on his shoulders.
Tattoos! Marks on the body that are forbidden by the Lord! I’ve only ever seen photos of tattooed people when we studied the book of Leviticus in school.
“Hello?” He stares down at me, waiting for a response and I realize I’m still just standing there, staring at the filigree pattern on his left shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter, averting my eyes, holding out the newspaper.
“Where’s Devon?” He takes the paper from me.
With my eyes still on the ground, I say, “I don’t know who that is.”
“The kid who usually delivers the papers.”
I peek up at him. Devon must be Jacki’s younger brother. “He’s away for the summer.”
He nods as his eyes rake me. “Nice skirt. What is that? Wool?” His mocking tone isn’t lost on me.
Bristling, I straighten. “Deuteronomy states that a woman of the Lord shall not wear the clothing of men. My skirt ensures that I remain desirable to a man of the Lord.”
Smirking, he leans forward. “What if that skirt isn’t what he desires?”
Boldly, I lean forward too. My heart pounds, either from righteous indignation, or something else entirely. “Then he isn’t a man of the Lord.”
“So does that mean you think I’m going to hell?” His tongue glides over his lip ring.
Taking a step back, I scowl. “Well, no. I…” What? I what? I shouldn’t be speaking to him! That’s what!
He laughs. “Later, Papergirl.” The door swings shut.
I hurry off his porch. Papergirl? I’ve been called names before. Naomi and some of the other girls called me all kinds of things. Papergirl is a new one.
After three days of delivering papers in the heavy navy skirt Holly says she wore in a school play last year, I agree to let her take me shopping with Beth’s money.
“For some light-weight skirts,” I clarify as I fan myself with a leftover newspaper in the living room. “And only because it’s so hot.”
“Whatever,” she says, smiling. She takes off toward Beth’s office as I head for the stairs, eager to splash some cold water on my face.
Holly knocks on my door while I’m reading my bible in my room. “Ready to go?”
I open it a crack, still holding the little bible she gave me. “Did you tell your mother I’d pay her back?”
Standing on her tip-toes, she peeks around me at my bed. “Oh my god,” she says, pushing past me. “I haven’t been in here since Gramma lived with us.” She falls forward onto the orange cover, burying her face in the pillows before rolling onto her side. “This was her room. Mom did a good job brightening it up. I love this comforter.”
Hesitantly, I walk over and perch on the bed. Holly takes the bible from me and puts a rainbow striped device in my hands. A phone. A cellphone. Portable evil.
“This is a phone. It lets you talk to people who are far away if you need help,” she says, sitting up.
Waiting for my hands to start burning, I stare at the black screen. “I’m aware of how a phone works.” I frown at the garish thing in my hands. This is nothing like the phone we had in Shiloh.
“You don’t know how to use a cellphone, do you?” she teases.
Looking up at her, I ask, “Where’re all the buttons?”
She bites the inside of her cheek to keep a straight face. “Back in nineteen ninety-six where they belong.” Grabbing the phone from me, she presses a button and explains how to access what she calls “the basics”: phone calls, text messaging, and a strange sounding woman named Siri if I can’t figure something out.
She hands it back, but I don’t take it. “I can’t have this. It’s-”
“Evil?” She rolls her eyes. “Alaina, it’s not evil. And I’m not evil and my mom’s not evil.”
Peeking up at her, I say, “Everything you do and say is against the bible. It’s against what the Lord has commanded of his women.”
Standing up, she grabs my bible and waves it in front of me. “Says who? The bible? Or your cult people? Have you read this whole thing, front to back, in context?”
I shake my hair away from my face. “The elders at Shiloh forbid people to interpret the bible without their assistance. They are prophets of the Lord and understand things that we could never hope to comprehend.”
Holly laughs and I jump to my feet, reaching for my bible. “Do not mock the Lord’s prophets.”
“I’m sorry,” she says, holding the bible just out of my reach. “I just…” Taking a deep breath, she regains her composure. “I’m trying to understand you and trying to make you understand me.”
Tilting my head, I scowl. “Why?”
Sighing, she tosses the bible on the dresser and motions to the bed so we can sit down. “The truth is, Alaina, whether you like it or not, you’re out of your cult. You’re stuck out here with us and it’s sink or swim, you know? You can have your beliefs and stuff. I totally respect that. But if you don’t learn to adapt, even a little bit,” she pinches her fingers together in front of my face. “A smidge, you’re going to be screwed for the rest of your life.” She hands me the phone. “You don’t have to use it. Just take it so I don’t get in trouble with my mom.”
Nodding, I accept it. After a moment, I look up at her. “Thank you.”
CHAPTER SIX
ALAINA
“We’re going out,” Holly calls to Beth, slinging her bag over her shoulder before thundering down the stairs. I come down behind her in a much quieter fashion.
Holly digs through her bag in the hallway at the bottom of the stairs.
“Hold on,” Beth says, emerging from her office. “Turn your phone on.”
Glancing up at her, Holly scowls. “It is.”
“Turn the ringer on, Holly.” She raises her eyebrows. “That ‘I didn’t hear your text’ crap isn’t going to work.”
“Fine,” Holly huffs, pulling her phone out of her back pocket. She makes a show of switching the ringer on. “There.”
Satisfied, Beth smiles. “Where’re you going?”
“Jacki’s,” Holly says, continuing to dig through her bag. “And then the mall if A
laina doesn’t freak out.” She cringes and glances up at me. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I say quietly.
Beth kisses Holly’s forehead. “Stay out of trouble. And call me if you’re going to be late for dinner. I don’t negotiate via text, got it?”
Keys jingle as Holly pulls them free from a wadded mess of wires and fabric in her bag. “Got it. Later!”
After picking Jacki up, the reality of what I’m about to do sets in and my hands start to shake. Even with Holly blasting the air conditioning in the car, I begin to sweat. My stomach rolls with every turn she makes.
“Maybe this isn’t the best idea,” I finally say.
“I swear, you won’t die,” Holly says, changing lanes as we zip between cars. “Remember what you told me about your observation field trips?”
I nod, meeting her eye in the rear view mirror.
“It’ll be just like that. We’re just going to observe some clothes for you. That’s all.”
Jacki turns around in the front passenger seat to face me. “We wouldn’t let anything happen to you. You know that right?”
Swallowing, I nod again, unable to speak. I tuck my hands under my thighs to keep them from trembling as I envision greedy, violent shoppers trampling me when Holly and Jacki aren’t looking. Or criminals open-firing weapons on us for fun.
Jacki smiles. “We’ll make it really fast. Just a couple of stores, okay?”
Lowering my eyes, the trembling moves up my arms until my shoulders are hunched near my ears. “Okay.”
Holly finds a parking space in the sea of cars and we make the long walk to the entrance. Heat radiates from the blacktop in waves and my skin prickles with sweat and nerves. Finally, we reach the giant glass doors and they slide open on their own, blasting us with icy air. It’s a welcome change from the stifling heat, but I’m immediately overwhelmed by the soaring ceiling, the noisy buzz of voices, and the stream of people walking by, oblivious to anything but themselves.
Jacki points across the crowded corridor. “Oh look! There’s Serena and Drew!”
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