by Teresa Hill
"What about us? I have a job, by the way. I took it. Just until after Christmas. No promises either way after that. I probably won't have a house for long."
"Your parents have a preliminary hearing next week."
"Oh, goodie. Peter actually spoke to me voluntarily this morning, without a door between us."
"That's a step."
She nodded. "And this man who's at least half crazy proposed to me last night when we were in bed."
"Only half crazy?"
"Yeah. Of course, you know men. They'll say anything when they're in bed with a woman. Anything they think she wants to hear."
"You definitely did not want to hear it."
"No." She smiled up at him, and he'd been so close, nuzzling her cheek, kissing her lips, that he hadn't really looked at her. But she had tears in her eyes, which she was valiantly trying to hold back, and she looked troubled and happy at the same time. "It wasn't that. I just..."
"Need some time?"
"Yes. It's not about you or what you're going through. It's me. Can I have some time?"
"You can have anything you want, Julie," he promised, smoothing the pads of his thumbs across her closed eyes, brushing away the moisture there.
* * *
She went with Zach to his house, where his mother was waiting and his father soon appeared. Zach didn't want to have to do this more than once. She sat by his side and held his hand while he told his parents everything he hadn't said before.
His mother cried, and then, as Zach had predicted, got mad at him.
"I'm making a new rule for the family. Anybody ends up in the hospital, for any reason, I get to know about it. And not two months later. Promise me," she demanded.
"I promise, Mom," he said sincerely.
"They're absolutely sure there's nothing wrong with your heart?" his father asked.
Zach nodded. "In fact, they said it looked great, exactly the way you want it to look, except for beating so damned fast sometimes. But we know what that was now. People who have panic attacks often end up in the hospital, thinking they're having a heart attack. That's what the shrink told me today. But go ahead, ask Emma. I know you'll want to hear it from her."
"I do. I will," his mother said. "And you're not going anywhere until you start feeling better. I won't let you."
"No, I'm not going anywhere. Promise," he said, then looked over at Julie, squeezing her hand.
Zach's mother was finally satisfied and went into the kitchen, taking Julie with her, obviously wanting to give Zach and his dad some time alone. Once there, Rachel gave her a big hug. "I'm so glad you were there for him."
"Me, too," Julie said.
"I knew something was going on, and I knew it was bad. But I never imagined him off somewhere feeling so bad he thought he was dying."
"I know. It scared me, too, when he finally told me."
"Oh, my God, Julie." Rachel stood there, trying to let it sink in, getting more scared every minute, it seemed.
Julie was, too, honestly. She felt like everything he'd finally told her had been spinning around inside her head, ever since Zach showed up the night before. It was hard to take it all in. The drinking... that was really scary, especially to her. Feeling for herself his heart racing and seeing him gasping for breath, seeing the stark fear in his eyes. Him thinking he was dying—honestly and truly dying. She knew he had, because for a few really scary moments the night before, she had wondered if he was, too. She'd been moments away from calling 911 to come and try to save him.
Panic attacks?
Who knew they presented in such a physical way? That first night they'd spent together, she'd seen how agitated he was, how erratic, and had sensed something more was going on. But she never would have understood the full extent of it if he hadn't been there with her in the middle of one of his attacks.
No, not just one panic attack, she realized, now that she really thought about it.
Not just two, either.
Three.
In fact, every night they'd spent together...
Oh, God.
That was it. That was why he'd been with her, clinging to her, claiming he needed her so much.
He'd been in the middle of a panic attack every time.
That was where the intensity came from, the desperation, the wild neediness. It all made sense now. He wasn't desperate for her. He was desperate to drown out the panic, and apparently, sex worked.
"Julie?" Rachel's voice registered, but barely.
Zach had tried to tell her last night, and her mind had skipped over it completely as she'd tried to take in everything he was saying and make sense of it all.
"We did this before, Julie. It wasn't fair to you then, and it wouldn't be fair now."
"Oh, hell, when has life ever been fair to me?"
She hadn't realized what he was saying, not at all. Julie's knees went weak for a moment. She grabbed onto the countertop, and Rachel grabbed her, yelling for Zach and Sam.
It hurt so bad. It was as physical a thing as Zach's racing heart.
Who knew?
She'd tried so hard to protect herself from ever feeling this bad, from trusting anyone too much, from loving anyone, and here she was, nearly on her knees on the floor.
Zach's arms fastened hard around her, his gaze raking over her, concern on his beautiful face. "What happened? What's wrong?"
"For a minute, I thought she was going to pass out," Rachel said.
"No," Julie insisted. "I'm fine. I just... I'm fine."
"No, you're not," Zach insisted, lifting her into his arms and carrying her into the family room, where he laid her gently on the sofa and then sat by her side, his hand on the side of her face.
Julie closed her eyes, not willing to answer any of the questions she saw in his eyes and because the concern on his face hurt to see. He was concerned. He cared. She knew that. But then, he'd cared about her even when he was a boy.
It wasn't love.
It was fear and panic.
Deep down, she'd known that all along.
She'd just let herself forget in moments, because it was so damned tempting. He was. How he made her feel. The idea of having the love of someone like him, having him in her life forever.
Because this was the kind of man who, when he finally fell in love for real, would love forever.
Julie felt someone put a cool, damp cloth to her forehead, and turned her face into Zach's hand, tears pooling beneath her closed eyelids. He could be so tender with her, so sweet, so kind.
She felt him kiss her cheek, and then she felt his mouth near her ear, whispering urgently, "Julie? What is it? What's wrong?"
"I'm okay," she insisted, putting her hand over his as it cradled the side of her face. "I just got dizzy for a minute. It's been a crazy day."
"Honey, have you eaten anything today?" Rachel asked.
Julie frowned. She hadn't. It wasn't what was wrong, but it was a great excuse, and she latched onto it. "No, I didn't. I had my interview this morning, and then I was waiting for Zach to get done with his appointment, and... I didn't even think about it."
"Well, there you go. You stay there. I'm going to bring you something to eat."
She stayed, let Zach fuss over her and stay close, tried to smile and not act like she felt that the best thing she'd ever had in her life had just come crashing down in pieces around her.
Rachel brought her a piece of warm banana bread and some orange juice, and Julie forced herself to swallow it. Then she said she really wanted to go home. Zach insisted on driving her the whole five doors down. When they were inside, he sat down on the sofa beside her.
Looking serious and a bit scared, he said, "Okay, what was that?"
"I hadn't eaten anything—"
"Julie, no—"
"I really hadn't—"
"Lack of food isn't something that makes you look so sad you're about to cry." He frowned. "Come on. It's me. What's wrong?"
"Nothing—"
"Julie,
in the last twenty-four hours, I've told you the scariest things in the world to me. Whatever's wrong, you can tell me. I'll help. I promise."
But she couldn't. He needed her right now, and she would never leave him while he needed her. She'd do anything for him, even if her heart broke doing it.
"It's just been a crazy day, Zach, and a crazy, stressful few weeks. I was really scared for you—"
"Stop." He pressed a finger to her lips, looking so understanding, so concerned. "It's me. I see right through you. I always have, and I can't imagine what's happened that I don't know about. I've hardly left your side since last night."
"It's not... Nothing happened."
"You're different. You're scared. And sad."
"I guess it just all... hit me at once. I mean, it's a lot, and I'll be fine with it. I just... got scared for a minute." And then, she just blurted it out, because she had nothing else left to say that really mattered. "I love you, Zach. I love you so much."
He looped an arm around her waist and pulled her onto his lap, so close their noses practically touched. "And why is that a bad thing? Why does that scare you so much now?"
"It's always scared me," she confessed. "Terrified me, because... I didn't ever really want to feel that way about anyone, because it leaves you so vulnerable, and you know I have a hard time trusting people—"
Again, that finger of his pressed to her lips.
"I know all of those things. Tell me what I don't know. Tell me what has you so scared all of a sudden? So sad? Because I'm going to be okay. The doctor said so. You can go with me to see her, if you need to hear it from her. I will do whatever she says I have to do to deal with this, and I'll be fine. I'm not asking you to take me like this, as a mess, I promise."
She nodded, crying, unable to help it any longer. "I know you'll be fine. I absolutely know it, and I have so much faith in you. You can do anything—"
"Except get you to tell me what's wrong," he said, then sat there, holding her, watching her and waiting.
That patience was going to be her undoing. He would wait forever and likely see through any lie. "I won't leave you," she began.
"Okay." Again, he just waited.
"I would never leave you when you needed me."
"Then we're good, because I'm never going to stop wanting you and needing you."
"Okay." She believed he believed that. He wouldn't lie to her. He might try desperately and fail to tell her the truth, when he was scared to death, but he wouldn't lie.
He took her chin in his hand and angled her head up to his until she had to look him in the eye. "No, honey, whatever it is, it's not okay."
"Well, I'm not going to hold you to any of this, once you're... you know, feeling better."
He frowned. "Hold me to it?"
"No. I mean, I know you think you know what you want right now, but later, if you change your mind... it's okay. I'll understand, and I'll be glad I was there when you needed me, but—"
"You think I'm only with you because I'm such a mess?"
"Maybe."
"I think I'm seeing more than a maybe. What happened?"
"Nothing happened," she cried. "I'm just telling you, if you change your mind later about everything, it's okay. You don't have to worry about me—"
"I have always worried about you. I always will. You matter to me. How you feel matters. What you want, what you need, matters, and whatever this is, we will deal with it. I can wait as long as it takes for you to tell me what's really going on. I know trusting someone doesn't come easily to you, but, honey, I thought you trusted me."
"I do. I really do." Which meant she didn't see how she could get out of this without telling him. He was the most stubborn and yet most patient man in the world. He wouldn't give up. Finally, she said, "I know why you're with me now."
"Okay, why?" he asked, his expression telling her that he knew he wasn't going to like her explanation, but had resigned himself to hearing it anyway.
"You're scared," she whispered. "You... come to me when you're scared. And I understand. It's okay. But you won't always be scared, and when you're not... that's okay, too."
He looked at her for the longest time. "Julie, it's the person you want by your side during the really hard times that matters. That's the person you can really count on, the one you trust, the one you need, the one you love."
"You think that now—"
"If we can be together and love each other in times like this, imagine how great our everyday lives together are going to be."
"I just want you to know, if you don't always feel that way—"
"This is about the panic attacks," he said, looking grim.
She closed her eyes, wishing so much she could hide things from him.
"This is about us ending up in bed together," he went on, "or on the floor or the table, and me not being honest with you at first about what was going on with me."
"Zach, it's okay," she cried.
"No, it's not," he said, so forcefully she thought she might dissolve away into the pain of that moment. He took her face in his hand, waited until she looked him in the eye. "Let me tell you what else it isn't. It's not the end of the world. It's not the end of us. I won't let you make it that. It was a few really bad moments, and when I reached out for help, I reached for you. Not anybody else, Julie. You."
"I know that," she cried.
"And I know—I freely admit —it wasn't fair of me. Not at all, and I... I let it happen anyway. I hurt you and made you doubt everything between us, and I'm sorry. I am so sorry for that. I... I was just in such a terrible place, and then, there you were, and I latched onto you like a lifeline."
"I know. I understand."
"And now, you think I could have reached out to anybody who was there?"
"I'm glad it was me," she said through her tears. "I swear, I am, because I do love you. I always have—"
"Always?" He pulled her face up to his once again. "Really? Always? Because I feel like I had to drag it out of you, and you've always been so tentative about it. About loving me."
She nodded through her tears. "Always. Probably since you walked me home that first time and held my hand and stayed with me, so I wasn't alone, until someone came home. I just... never thought you'd love me back."
"And you still don't think so? You think I could have latched onto anybody in the middle of this mess I'm in, and I'd think I was in love with her? Whoever she was?"
Julie nodded once again.
"Really? And you think it was a complete coincidence that when I fell apart, it happened in Memphis, and you were there?"
"Yes. I guess so." She hadn't really thought about it that way.
"Because I don't think that at all. Maybe I knew it was finally safe for me to fall apart in Memphis because you were there, and I knew you'd help me. Did you ever think of that?"
"No." Never that.
"I think it was all meant to be, because we found each other.
"Please don't say that," she begged him.
"Julie, look at me." He took her hand and placed it over his heart. "I'm scared right now, but not nearly as much as I have been lately. I can breathe. My heart isn't racing. I'm not feeling the least bit panicked, and I'm with you. I'm right where I'm supposed to be, right where I want to be."
She shook her head. "I don't know how you can know that, know how you're going to feel when... your life is back to normal again."
"Okay, I can see how you'd have doubts. I understand. But are you willing to wait, right here with me, until things are back to normal, and see how I feel then?"
"I... well, yes," she finally whispered.
"Then, we'll be fine," he said, looking like a man who absolutely believed it. "Because I know how I feel. I'm not going to change my mind. I can wait as long as it takes for you to believe that, as long as I get to spend that time with you."
"You make it sound so easy," she protested.
"It is for me. I'm sorry it's harder for you. I'm sorry I m
ade it harder by not being honest with you about what was going on with me. But I'll make it up to you. I'll make you believe. Just give me the chance."
She sniffled and tried not to let herself feel as though it was the end of the world for her with him. "Okay."
* * *
They spent the rest of the time they had in bed together. Making love with him was as intense as ever, like being stripped bare emotionally. Like peeling back several layers of skin along with her clothes. Like him getting inside her, not just in a sexual way, but in every way possible.
When she lay there with her body pressed against his from head to toe, it was like they'd been fused together. Her ribs were bumping up against his, their hearts beating in tune with one another. Heat, sweat, power, need, everything. Him and her. In this together, completely. Did things like that really last?
"You're worrying again," he murmured in a deep voice raspy from sleep.
"I can't help it. And I'm allowed to worry, right? I promised I wouldn't run, but never that I wouldn't worry."
"All right. If you insist, you can worry. But I have to warn you, if I catch you at it, I'm going to be tempted to distract you, and there's no telling what form that distraction might take."
His hand pushed down the covers, baring her breast.
His fingers rubbed around the bottom, thumb curling close to the pucker of her nipple. He watched as if fascinated by the sight of his hand on her.
Julie sucked in a breath. The sensation from his caress seemed totally out of proportion to the action, especially given the way they'd spent the afternoon. She seemed to feel his touch through her entire body. Head, heart, down between her legs, all the way down to her toes. He touched her like she was the most precious thing in the world.
His thumb rubbed back and forth across her nipple, and she moaned, couldn't help it.
"It's not going to go away," he said.
"What? My breast?"
He grinned. "The way this feels. The way we feel when we're together. It won't ever change. I won't go away. I won't change my mind. I'll always want you. Just like this. Think about believing it, Julie. Give it a chance. What if all that was true? What if you believed it? Then what?"
"I'd marry you," she said.
And he looked happier than she'd ever seen him.
