It was the hardest truth she’d ever come to accept. Sawyer, Parker… It didn’t matter. She wanted someone to love her without hesitation, without conditions. Irrevocably. Passionately. And eternally.
Anything less was just an illusion and as much as she despised feeling lonely, she’d rather be alone than give her life and heart to someone who couldn’t give her all of theirs in return. She not only wanted but deserved the fairytale.
His gaze lowered to the floor, his posture one of dejected hope. “I made a lot of mistakes with us, bella. I didn’t realize what I was doing…”
They were both to blame. “That’s partly my fault. I was so desperate to have you—any part of you—I kept a lot of my feelings buried inside. But I want to be happy, Sawyer. I want the love of a man who doesn’t need to be convinced I’m worth loving.”
“And Hughes is willing to give you that?”
“This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.”
He stepped forward and looked her in the eye. “I want to make you happy, Isadora. Whatever that takes. I believe I can. Give me another chance. At least think about my offer before you toss everything we’ve shared away.”
His offer for a future with him, devoid of offspring, ripe with recollections of a passionate start that cooled and heated so much over time that her body was growing immune to the burn?
“Sure, I’ll think about it.” Unfortunately, she wouldn’t have a choice.
Years spent trying to forget him had proven he would always be a part of her, a tattoo on her soul, a scar on her heart, a sad smile on a lonely day. Regardless, she wasn’t signing over her future to any man that couldn’t admit he loved her.
The doorbell rang and she sighed. “You have to go.”
He nodded, cupping her shoulders and leaning in to brush a kiss on her cheek. His arms held her in a brief hug. “Promise me you’ll consider what I’ve said.”
“I promise.” The bell rang again and she pulled away. “Excuse me.” She left the den, tucking away her consideration for a rainy day.
As she opened the front door Parker smiled and she struggled to find her earlier excitement. “Hey.”
He pressed a kiss to her lips and paused, his body slightly tensing. Drawing back, he frowned. “What’s wrong?”
Before she could explain, his gaze lifted over her shoulder, his eyes narrowing. She turned and found Sawyer standing behind her in the foyer. Deflated, she sighed, pretty sure this night would not end the way she’d hoped.
“I was just leaving,” Sawyer announced, stepping past them to get through the door. “I’ll talk to you soon, Isa.”
Parker silently watched as he walked to the car and drove away. “What was he doing here?”
“He just stopped by to talk.”
“Are you okay?”
Uncomfortable with the situation, she moved to the hall table and inspected her purse, not looking for anything in particular. “Mm-hmm.”
“Should I be concerned?”
“Nothing happened.”
He stepped to her back, his hands gently resting on her shoulders. “Physically, you mean? I know that. I know you wouldn’t cross that line without talking to me first. But that’s not what I was asking.”
Her hands were suddenly shaking. As calm as she’d held herself in Sawyer’s presence, now that he was gone and Parker was there she trembled with uncertainty.
“He wanted to talk about us.”
“Look at me, Isadora,” he said softly, and she turned. His brow pinched with obvious concern. “You can talk to me about him. I know he’s important to you.”
She shut her eyes, fighting the urge to cry or throw something. This wasn’t how tonight was supposed to go. She didn’t want to deal with these confusing feelings anymore.
“Hey.” He pulled her into his arms and hugged her, balancing his chin on top of her head as her ear rested over his heartbeat. His lips pressed to her hair and he whispered, “It’s okay. I’m not upset with you.”
“I’m upset with myself.”
“Why?”
“Because I feel like no matter what I do, I have no control over the direction of my life.”
He led her to the steps and they sat down. Keeping his concerned gaze on her, he brushed her hair behind her ear.
“Maybe you’re not supposed to have control. I’m not an expert, but maybe love isn’t something you manage. Maybe it’s something that happens to you whether you’re ready or not. What does your gut tell you?”
She glanced up at him, amazed by how easily he could talk about her history with Sawyer and issues even Sawyer couldn’t face.
“My instincts have never been dependable where love’s concerned. All I ever wanted was for someone to love me and now... My life’s different. There’s you and … I’m not sure what he’s looking for, and he keeps changing everything.”
His eyes held a sort of sympathy that hurt more than his anger would have. She didn’t want anyone’s pity. She wanted to once and for all be in control of her own happiness.
It was wrong to discuss this with him. “I’m sorry—”
“Wait.” He caught her hand. “I know you love him, Isadora. I’m not trying to erase that. But maybe the love he can offer isn’t the sort of love you need any more.”
Her face tipped away. Having never been loved, she wasn’t so sure she had the right to be picky. “I don’t know enough about love to know how it’s supposed to feel.”
“But you know what love should be. It should be so passionate, so blatant, there’s no room for guessing. Love decides for us, not the other way around. It’s everything we are and were and will be, folded into an emotion too powerful to control. You shouldn’t have to stop and think if you still love someone. You either feel it or you don’t.”
“It’s never been that easy for me. There are always conditions.”
“Then it’s not an unconditional love. I think when you find the right person, everything else is proven wrong. True love should be the most real thing you know.”
Maybe she didn’t love anyone the way she should. It was too early to decide where things stood with Parker and possibly too late to fix things with Sawyer.
“I don’t know what I’m doing.”
He let out a slow breath. “Isadora, if you need time to figure things out, I can try to give you some space. I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to stay away, but I can do my best if that’s what you want.”
She didn’t want to waste any more time. She wanted to shut every complication out of her life and get lost in the present. She wanted to be happy and she had been, up until ten minutes ago.
Aggravated, she snapped, “This would never have happened if we hadn’t run into him two months ago.”
Parker arched a brow, appearing surprised by her anger. “I think Bishop’s threatened. You’re moving on and he sees that. He had years to get it right and he’s terrified he blew it. I would be too if I were in his shoes.”
His words were logical but depressing. She couldn’t honestly say after everything Sawyer had put her through that it was over. No matter how much time passed or how many times they stumbled, he always seemed like an unfinished part of her life, an old habit she couldn’t quit.
She rubbed her eyes and groaned. Confident women wouldn’t put two seconds of thought into a man who broke their heart twice. “What’s wrong with me?”
He laughed, not knowing how screwed up her line of thinking was. “Nothing’s wrong with you. Someone just came into your home and left a bunch of shit at your door. There’s no rule that says you have to do something just because someone else thinks you should.”
She laughed without humor.
All of her life that was exactly what she’d done. Other people’s choices always influenced her next move. She needed to be responsible for her own mistakes if she wanted to someday be able to take credit for her happiness.
He pulled her into another hug and pressed his lips to her neck.
“Do you want me to kick his ass?”
She tsked and shoved him away. “Parker!”
He shamelessly smiled and shrugged. “I’d be entitled.”
She hoped he was teasing her. “That’s awfully territorial, considering we haven’t even slept together, yet.”
He chuckled. “Did you want to remedy that?”
She glanced up at him and pursed her lips, still unsure why they hadn’t had sex yet. “Do you?”
He rolled his eyes. “I’m a guy, Isa. And you’re a gorgeous woman. Of course, I want you.” He dropped his brow to hers and smiled. “Very, very much.”
He had a gift for making her blush. “You see, I knew that. Sometimes I doubt myself, but you never leave me guessing where we stand.”
“Well, let me make it make it perfectly clear for you. I think of you first thing in the morning, you’re a distraction I can’t escape almost every passing minute of the day, and my last thought just before I fall asleep. I like having you in my life and I want to spend as much time together as possible. I don’t care what we’re doing so long as I get to be near you. And anyone who tries to get in the way of that is going to have a problem, be it Bishop or your brother or anyone else. I know exactly what I have with you and I’ll be damned if anyone tries to steal it from me.”
Inexperienced with that sort of possessiveness, she wasn’t sure how to respond. It was nice to feel coveted, but maybe that was some sort of red flag women were supposed to shy away from.
She’d gone so long, never knowing which feelings to trust, it was a relief to have a man take such a direct approach. “I never had you pegged for a territorial guy.”
“Maybe I never liked someone enough to feel that way. I just know I like you and the idea of anyone interfering with that makes me want to let the world know, right now, you’re mine.”
You’re mine…
A shiver chased up her spine, triggering all sorts of warm sensations in her body. His confession didn’t make her feel objectified. It made her feel safe and protected, like she could put down her worries and he’d guard her against anything or anyone that tried to cloud her vision.
She leaned into him, comforting herself as his heart beat steadily beneath her ear. “I like being yours.”
His fingers tipped her chin so she was looking at him. “Don’t make me share you with someone who couldn’t appreciate everything you are when he had the chance. You deserve more than that, Isa. I’m willing to give you more without asking for a single sacrifice in return.”
Tightening her arms around his waist, she brushed her lips against his. She wanted more.
His mouth opened and his tongue softly caressed hers. She twisted against him, a needy pull starting low in her belly, and he slowly drew back.
“You’re upset. Tonight’s probably not a good night to make any big decisions.”
Being let down after being lifted up, hurt. Rejection hurt. Upset or not, she wanted him. She didn’t know how to make that more clear.
“Is it because he was here?”
“I don’t like that he was in your house, but I know you didn’t invite him. That doesn’t negate the fact that I can smell his cologne on your skin.”
She looked away. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. I’m trying to do the right thing. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to strip you naked and slide my hands over every inch of your body until you smell like no one else but me. But the first time we’re together, I don’t want another man anywhere near either of our thoughts.”
Did he think she could possibly mistake him for Sawyer? They were so different.
“I wouldn’t be thinking of him.”
“Tonight, but what about tomorrow and the next day? I’m a tolerant man, Isadora, but sleeping together changes things. It makes things a thousand times more personal. If we cross that line and he comes back here, I won’t stand idly by. Sleeping together means we both want to move forward and leave the past behind. I don’t know if you’re ready to leave him behind.”
She didn’t burst out in disagreement because she wasn’t sure either. Parker had been honest with her since the night she met him. She’d promised the same.
“I don’t know what tomorrow will bring and I’ve never been able to control this hold he has over me. But maybe…”
Her damaged heart skipped a beat as she debated sharing her greatest vulnerabilities with him.
“No one’s ever made me feel the way you have. I don’t know what it’s like to make love to someone who openly shares their feelings. It’s scary and exciting and I want to know what it’s like with you, not to compare, but to simply be with you, Parker.”
“I want that too. Believe me, you’re not the only one who wants to know what that’s like.”
It was a true show of the holes in his own past. This was new for both of them.
Sawyer had created a consequence that wasn’t there this morning and she resented that. She didn’t want to put things on pause with Parker because of ghosts from her past.
“Why can’t we shut everything else out and make tonight just about us?”
His gaze bore into hers as his shoulders lifted with a long breath. “That won’t erase my concerns. If we sleep together, I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle him trying to sell you a different future tomorrow.”
Her heart raced. Hearing him say his biggest concern was losing her made her realize just how much she didn’t want to ever hurt him.
“He asked me to think about it.” Maybe she already had. “This is where I want to be.”
His gaze intensified, as he seemed to measure the truth of her words. “Are you sure? It might frighten you to see how territorial I can actually be.”
“You won’t scare me away, Parker. I’m a lot tougher than people assume.”
He smiled. “I know you’re tough. But every guy has a beast inside of him. Trust me, I bite.”
Not that she wanted to see him pushed that far, but the idea that losing her might cause some sort of animalistic response triggered a part of her feminine psyche. She nestled her nose to his throat and nipped his chin. “I bite too.”
He groaned and drew back. “You make it really hard to do the right thing.”
“Show me your beast, Parker.” Her tongue made a slow glide over the stubble on his jaw. “And help me find mine.”
Although their situations were different, if another woman ever tried to steal him she might truly reach a new level of ballistic.
She’d always preferred monogamy, but over the years her tolerance for even the slightest sense of someone threatening her happiness brought about a rage that she wasn’t comfortable displaying or even acknowledging inside herself.
His hand went into her hair, his fingers tightening around a fistful of strands and angling her face toward his. He studied her through his lashes and whispered, “For all of your gentleness, Isa, I know there’s a lioness hiding inside. I recognized your strength the second I crashed into you. But do you know what the difference is between a lioness and a woman?”
Breathing jaggedly with her throat exposed and her heart knocking against her ribs, her desire spiked even higher.
“What?”
“A lioness never has to remind others that she’s a lion. She owns it, radiates courage, and no one ever doubts her confidence even when she’s the most agile and graceful creature in the room.”
Unable to take any more, she sealed her mouth to his, greedily taking, desperately wanting to let that part of her free. His hands were everywhere, dragging over her clothes and possessively holding her as close as their bodies would allow.
“Don’t be shy with me,” he rasped, his teeth pulling at her lips. “I want all of you. Every inch, every secret, every part they didn’t get. Don’t ever hide from me.”
Straddling him on the steps, she drove her hands into his hair and showed him how much she wanted him with a kiss so raw, so passionate, his grip tightened to an almost bruising hold. Heat
spread through her veins as she felt him harden beneath her.
“You have me,” she whispered.
Lust tunneled through her blood like heroin as she hungrily tugged at his clothes, desperate to get to his skin. Enough worrying about consequences. She was through making apologies and fearing what others might think.
Parker wanted all of her. He saw beneath the superficial exterior and recognized parts of her soul no one else registered. He might not love her, but he saw her. The real her.
Her hand dragged over the bulge in his pants and he breathed deeply, groaning through their kiss. She slid off his lap into the space between his knees. Eyes on him, she reached for his belt and he caught her wrist.
“Do you want to go upstairs?”
She shook her head. She wanted him now and didn’t want any more interruptions.
He released her wrist and eased back on the steps, his elbows resting at his sides, giving her free rein over his body. The buckle came undone and she tugged the leather free, tossing it to the floor. Her hands trembled as she unfastened his jeans, not out of nervousness, but excitement.
Warmth crested her cheeks as she reached into his pants, her fingers curling around his thick erection as she slowly stroked. His breath left in a rush and he widened his knees. She nestled her body between his thighs and traced her lips over the smooth tip of his cock.
“Jesus, Isadora…”
Hunger pulsed through her, tugging low in her belly. This wasn’t something she had a lot of experience doing, being that Sawyer rarely asked it of her. But this was Parker and she didn’t want this side of their relationship to be some polite interaction between them. She wanted to give him everything she had and say to hell with grace and poise.
“Will you tell me how you like it?”
“You’ll know.”
Trusting his answer, she closed her eyes and took him deep into her mouth. He sucked in a sharp breath, his hand shifting to the back of her neck.
He grunted as she tried to fit all of him. “Slow. Keep going. You’re almost there…”
When she made it to the root of his cock he sighed, his fingers massaging the back of her neck as she slowly pulled back.
She continued to stroke him, her mouth pulling up and down with long, tight motions. Her fingers cupped him and his grip tightened on her neck, pressing her even lower in a silent request for more.
Queen of the Knight (Surrender Games Book 2) Page 9
