by K. A. Linde
Tara.
Stacia.
Eric.
Just a long list of people who had disappointed her and people she had disappointed. They all scrambled together, their faces morphing into one, until her tears were just a cascading waterfall of her pain. She unleashed it on the world, fighting with herself for even feeling. How dare I feel!
The tears ached and tore at her, but no matter what she did, she couldn’t escape the darkness that pulled her under.
Bryna awoke with a start.
She clutched at the sheets in a panic. Her eyes flew open. She couldn’t remember where she was, and for one blissful moment, she forgot everything. Then, it came back to her, knocking into her with a ferocious vengeance.
Her heart hammered in her chest, and she waited until it returned to its normal cadence before deciding to check the clock. 3:00 p.m. She had slept through most of the day. Sleeping had given her some perspective and made her more alert. She wrenched the sheet off the bed, wound it around her body, and wandered into the main living area of the penthouse. She didn’t know who she might encounter or else she likely would have gone in the nude.
But no one was out there. The blinds were drawn, so none of the afternoon light could filter into the room. Only one of the rooms off of the living space had a light on, and she walked in that direction.
Hugh was working in an office, as she had found him so many times in his Vegas suite. It was a comforting sight. At least some things hadn’t changed.
“Do you ever sleep?” she asked.
In a slow and desirous fashion, his eyes moved up her body covered in nothing but a sheet. “Only on weekends when I’m with you.”
“Come to bed,” she encouraged. “It’s late.”
“Or early. It is the middle of the afternoon after all.”
She walked over to him and let the sheet slit up one leg, as if she were wearing an expensive ballroom gown. “Come to bed,” she repeated.
Hugh grabbed her without pretense and pulled her in front of him, so she was seated on his desk. “I think I’ll have my bed here.”
He leaned forward and kissed her neck, savoring the taste to her shoulder. Then, he removed the thin sheet to expose her body to him. She didn’t cover up even though she felt bare—mind, body, and soul at this point. His lips moved to her breast, and she arched against him, willing him to devour her whole.
“I want you so much more than this, Bri.” He kissed his way to the other breast.
“What do you want?” She was sure she sounded like she was pleading with him.
“Everything.” He leaned her backward, so she lay across his desk. “Let go with me.”
His fingers trailed a line down her sides to grip her hips. His eyes roamed her body as he kissed down her navel. She sucked in a deep breath.
“I do,” she murmured.
“You come to me with worries, but you are still so far away.”
“I’m right here.” She ground her hips in a circle as a reminder.
“I know.” He sighed and sat back up before indulging.
She quivered underneath him, desperate for his touch, desperate to forget.
“I know how much you’re hiding, and I don’t know why.”
“Hiding?”
This conversation had shifted.
“Do you think I would start a relationship with you without knowing everything I could first?” he asked.
In confusion, Bryna sat up quickly. Her stomach dropped out, and fear seemed to reign over all other emotions. What did he know? How much did he know? And how did he know it?
“What?” she asked.
“I’ve been waiting all this time for you to tell me. I want you to admit who you are. I’ll still love you either way.”
Bryna startled. “L-love me?”
“I know.” He looked down and then up again into her eyes. “I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Of course I love you. I was lost when I first met you. I don’t care that you’re an eighteen-year-old college student. I don’t care that you told me you were going to Miami to hang out with your girlfriends when you were there for the play-off game. Did you think I wouldn’t notice the coincidence? There’s so much. I don’t care who you are or where you came from. I’m tired of the lies.”
She was slack-jawed at his admission.
“When I’m with you, I want you, not the illusion you’ve created,” he continued.
“I don’t know what to say.”
He knew everything about her, but she knew next to nothing about him. She hadn’t wanted to know. She had thought that was part of the arrangement. He was married, and she was his sugar baby. That was how this worked. She didn’t love him, and she certainly couldn’t say she did.
“I don’t expect you to say anything. I’m sure it’s all a shock, but I want you, Bryna,” he said, using her name for the first time. “Choose me.”
Haven’t I already done that by flying out here?
She swallowed. There was no other choice.
“I choose you.”
Hugh leaned her back against the desk and made his way back down her body. The intensity with which he consumed her revealed how much her words meant to him. She came, writhing on the table under his capable hands and practiced mouth. Her world slipped away, and she used the ecstasy of this dream to help her forget what she had left behind, to remind her why she had chosen this to begin with.
She heard a zipper, and then his pants hit the floor.
“Fuck, Bryna,” he groaned.
He maneuvered himself to her opening, and she felt the building pressure when he entered her in one swift motion. He wasn’t gentle with her, and she liked it. It felt like punishment. She needed it. She let it wrap all around her. She wanted him to be brutal, to fuck away her nightmares.
He rocked into her again and again, leaving nothing but the sound of their bodies slapping together in their wake. When Hugh flipped her over and forced her flat against his desk, she tried to push the image of Eric out of her mind. She had decided long ago that he didn’t matter. She needed to remember it again.
Hugh gripped her tighter, and she felt her own climax building, despite her dark thoughts. Or maybe it was because of her dark thoughts. She didn’t even know anymore. All she knew was that they hit that spot together. Both soared away to another place and another time, and her release left her in tatters once more.
THE NEXT MORNING, Bryna felt like hell. Even though she had slept for nearly a day straight, it hadn’t helped. She had bags under her eyes from crying, and her stomach was still in her throat.
She applied a healthy dose of makeup to get rid of the side effects of her unnecessary tears. She grabbed her phone and checked it for the first time since she had landed in New Jersey. She had three missed calls and five text messages from Eric. She sighed heavily. Great.
She opened the first one.
I know I fucked up. That wasn’t how I wanted to tell you that I like you. Please let me explain. I don’t want to lose you.
Bryna closed her eyes and fought back the wave of emotions that hit her. She couldn’t do this. She needed some time away to think about what she wanted to do. She had chosen Hugh last night, and right now, that was where she needed to be. She deleted the other messages before reading them and tucked her phone away in her purse. She promised herself she wouldn’t look at it again while she was here.
Holding back her frustrations, she walked out of the bedroom to find a huge platter set up for breakfast.
Hugh smiled brightly when he saw her. “You look refreshed.”
It couldn’t have been further from the truth.
“Thanks. What’s this?”
“I thought we could eat together. I have some time before my first meeting. Care to take a walk down the boardwalk?”
“Sure.”
She sat down and ate a pancake, some eggs, and fruit, and then they left the hotel room. The resort was right on the water, and it was teeming with high school spring breaker
s. It was hard to believe that had been her a year ago. She had spent her senior spring break alone. She didn’t like to think about that.
“It’s nice to be away,” she admitted.
Hugh stepped out of the way of some kids running down the boardwalk and pulled her with him. “It is.”
“I’d love to do this all the time.” She felt wistful. She couldn’t abandon school or the cheer team, but this was paradise.
“Well, what about this summer? Do you have plans?”
“No.” She hadn’t really thought about it.
“I’m opening a new resort in Barcelona.”
“Really? That’s amazing. Barcelona is beautiful!”
“In that case, will you come with me?”
“To Barcelona?” she gasped out.
“For the summer.”
“The whole summer?”
“As long as you’ll have me.”
She couldn’t believe it. Her brain couldn’t wrap around it. Even after everything he had done for her, she still thought it was crazy that he would want to bring her.
“I want to take you with me—not as Bri, but as Bryna. No more secrets between us. Just you and me.”
Her heart leaped in her chest. This is what I want. Right?
He didn’t see her as a sugar baby. He saw her more as…his girlfriend. But what else am I? When did everything spiral so far out of my control?
When she didn’t answer right away, Hugh looked concerned. “You don’t have to come with me. It would be a bunch of fancy dinners, a ribbon-cutting ceremony, lots of shopping. You’d probably hate it.”
Bryna laughed. “Okay. Twist my arm, why don’t you?”
“I want you there with me to experience it all.”
“All right. I’d love to go.”
Bryna returned to campus the next day. She’d had so many missed notifications that she had turned her phone off in annoyance. She didn’t know what to say to anyone, and she wasn’t ready to be herself anymore. It had been nice to be with Hugh, away from reality for a bit longer.
She dove headfirst into classes the next day. On her way out of the film building, she found Eric waiting for her.
“Bri, can we talk?”
“No.”
She walked toward her car, but Eric followed.
“You were gone. I went to your place. I asked around. No one saw you.”
“Eric, stop.”
She ground to a halt and stared into his hazel eyes. They were so full of concern that she almost looked away. But she couldn’t. She needed her hard exterior for this.
“I have to process what happened this weekend. It’s not going to be like a light bulb where I flip a switch, and everything is better. The more you push, the farther you push me away.”
He pursed his lips, but she could tell he knew she was right.
“Well, things with Audrey are over. You have to know, I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t think anyone really could.”
“I’m not hurting,” she lied.
Eric gave her a don’t-give-me-that-shit look. He could see through her. “Okay, Bri. But think about one thing before I go. Remember when you said, at the national championship game, that you were only comfortable with me because you knew nothing could ever happen between us?”
“Yes?”
“It proves that, even then, you were thinking about something happening. You were too scared to admit it to yourself.” He threw his hands out in supplication. “I’ll give you all the space you need, but you’ve changed me as much as I’ve changed you. I want to give this a shot, and I’m not going to give up.”
Bryna swallowed hard. “We’ll see how long this lasts before you go back to her.”
“Knowing you’re within reach? Never.”
He was so sincere. It almost softened her to him, but then the image of Audrey hit her all over again, and she couldn’t do it.
“We’ll see. Good-bye, Eric.”
He stared straight ahead as she left. She was sure that he hadn’t thought the conversation would go like that. What had he expected? Even if I want to be with him and all would be right with the world, how could I when the thought of him touching someone else made me gag? She had hated the idea when she had thought he was gay! The reaction was so much more visceral now.
She was pissed off all over again, and she still had to deal with cheer practice tonight. When she got in her car, she turned her phone back on and noticed that she had another missed call and a text message from Trihn that basically screamed at Bryna to answer her. It was complete with all caps and a million exclamation points.
With a resigned sigh, she decided to put Trihn out of her misery.
What’s up?
Trihn’s response was immediate.
I haven’t heard from you in three days, and all you can say is, “What’s up?” What the fuck, Bri?
I missed you, too.
Come to my apartment right now! Otherwise, I will be forced to disown you—but not really. Just get over here!
Bryna shook her head. This was why she was friends with Trihn.
Okay. On my way.
Bryna drove the short distance to Trihn’s apartment and was greeted with a scowl.
“Where the hell have you been?”
“Atlantic City,” she answered truthfully.
She walked into Trihn’s apartment and lay back on the couch. She had prepared herself for this interrogation. God, my life has been reduced to one big interrogation.
“What? Why?”
“Hugh flew me out.”
Trihn shook her head. “That’s absurd.”
“Yeah. After school ends, he’s flying us to Barcelona for the summer.”
Trihn’s eyes were wide as saucers. “Damn. You have him wrapped around your finger. Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“Does it matter?”
“Of course!”
“Can we get on to why you have really been obsessively calling me?” Bryna asked.
Seeing Eric had exhausted her. This conversation would surely only make it worse.
“Geez, you’re in über bitch mode. I just wanted you to talk to Stacia.”
“No.”
“Ugh! I knew you’d be difficult.”
“She’s the one who went behind my back to date Pace, and I’m being difficult?” Bryna ground out.
“Look, she likes him. Give it a chance. You never know. It could be over by the end of the summer.”
“Then, I’ll wait it out.”
Trihn rolled her eyes. “She was really upset after you left. What the hell happened?”
“Nothing. I couldn’t be there any longer.”
“And you left for Atlantic City, unplanned, and didn’t respond to anyone’s messages? Don’t tell me that was all Stacia. Even you aren’t that melodramatic.”
Bryna shrugged.
“Seriously, what the fuck? I’m your friend. Stacia is your friend. And you’re about as closed off as a brick wall.” She raised her hands and took a step back. “I don’t know how to be here for you.”
Bryna sighed. Maybe Trihn was right. Maybe Bryna should tell her friend. It would be nice to actually talk to someone about it.
“Okay. So, remember how I told you Eric was gay?”
“Yeah?” Trihn asked uncertainly.
“Well, he’s not.”
Trihn’s mouth dropped open. “I knew it!”
“Yeah, yeah. You knew,” Bryna said with a sigh.
“Oh my God, he loves you, and you’re going to get married and have babies.” Trihn looked ecstatic at the possibility of Bryna being with Eric like that.
It turned Bryna’s stomach. Marriage and babies were not in her near future.
“Ew. No. He was sleeping with his ex, Audrey, when I made a surprise visit to his place.”
“What?” Trihn shrieked.
“Yeah. I thought that he was gay, and he thought that I knew he was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. We got into a huge argument afterward,
and I left.”
“Has he tried to contact you?”
Bryna nodded.
“What did he say?”
Her heart constricted as she remembered his face. “I saw him on campus. He came to try to convince me that he and Audrey were over, but I couldn’t get the image of him fucking her out of my head.”
Trihn shook her head. “So, let me get this straight. Even though you’ve been seeing Hugh this whole time, you’re angry at Eric for being with someone else?”
“Yes.”
“Why?” she cried. “It doesn’t make sense.”
“He knew about Hugh. I thought Eric was off-limits. If he was interested in me, he could have said something!”
“It sounds like he thought you were off-limits, too. I mean, if he thought you were dating someone, he wasn’t going to be like, ‘Hey, forget this guy.’ That’s definitely not the Eric I know.”
“Whatever.”
“Look,” Trihn said, trying to find reason. “Your anger is so misguided. You’re angry because you like him. You’re hurt. That’s okay. Let yourself hurt, and then talk to him about it. You can’t push him away forever.”
Bryna closed her eyes. She didn’t want to hear this from Trihn. She had made up her mind already. “I don’t think I can do that. The person I was when I was with him wasn’t real. It was all a facade between two people who thought they knew secrets in the other one’s life.”
“It’s only a facade if you want it to be.”
“No. I chose Hugh. I’m going to Barcelona with him this summer. That’s it.” She tried to sound so definite, but she knew she hadn’t. Her strength was hidden beneath layers of bitchy behavior and high levels of self-confidence. All of which had been rattled this week.
“Oh, B,” Trihn whispered.
“Don’t pity me! It’s what I want.”
“Okay,” Trihn said softly. She let the subject drop even though it was clear in her eyes that she wanted to say more. “But will you talk to Stacia?”
“It’s going to take a while to get over Pace.”
“She didn’t want to upset you, and she can’t help that she likes him,” Trihn tried to reason.
“Psh. Yes, she can. She just doesn’t see it yet.”
“Fine. I can’t be the middleman anymore though. You two need to make up.”
