by Mary Smith
I sigh. I know it’s Hamilton. “Is he still sitting over there?” I ask Nova since my back is to the table.
“It seems as if he’s heading toward the door.” She smiles because she knows I’m going to get up and yell at him for buying my dinner.
I head over to catch up with him and the guys. “Hammy.” I catch him as he’s about to get into his truck.
He turns. Fuck, he can make my heart stop. From the very first time we began to talk, he was able to make me feel ooey-gooey. No, that’s not an official word, but it’s how I feel. I need to be strong though and give him a piece of my mind, but he still can make my knees weak.
“Yes.” There’s a slight smirk on his face.
“Don’t even play cute with me, Hammy.” I put my hands on my hips.
“You don’t think I’m cute anymore?” He pushes his bottom lip out in a pout. “I’m hurt.”
I roll my eyes, hiding the blush on my cheeks. “Shut up.” I don’t answer the question because yes I do think he’s cute. Hell, he’s the hottest guy to walk this earth. I’m not blind, but I need to focus at the task. “You don’t have to buy my dinner.”
“I didn’t.” He stands up tall and I have to lay my neck all the way back.
“What? You didn’t?”
“Nope. I bought the entire table’s dinner.” He corrects me.
I roll my eyes again. I have to seriously break this habit. “You know what I mean.”
“Janan, I bought dinner. It’s not a big deal.”
“Stop it!” I raise my voice. “You have to stop. I don’t want any more gifts or dinners or flowers or anything in between. I mean it.”
He stares at me, and his stone cold face is sexy as sin. “I will under one condition.”
I sigh. I know this isn’t going to be easy on me. “What?”
“Let me take you out on a date. A real date.”
The butterflies flutter inside of me. This is something I wanted for so long. To be seen in public with Hamilton, like a girlfriend. Not to be hidden in the background. I want people to know we are together.
Were!
We were together!
I step closer to him. He’s well over a foot taller than me, yet I put on my meanest glare I can produce. “Sorry, I’m only nineteen. I’m sure you don’t want to be seen with such a young girl.”
And then something happens that I never saw before…
Hamilton’s shoulders deflate, and the saddest look appears across his face. I almost think he’s going to cry. He says nothing but turns on his heels, hops up into his truck and peels out of the parking lot.
He leaves me standing all alone and for the first time, I really feel he’s left me.
“ALEX, I’M NOT that type of girl. I’m certain you know this already.” I can’t believe I’ve had to repeat myself three times.
“Come on. It’s a friend of mine and he’d love to meet you.”
“I’m not into drinking or partying.” I made a vow a long time ago I’d never drink alcohol. I saw what happened to Sharon the more and more she drank and I will never be her.
“It’s a party and everyone knows you’re only nineteen. It’ll be fine. I just want you to meet my friends. Please, J.”
I pull my cell phone from my ear and stare at the screen for a second, hoping the answer lays in the brightness. Nope, it doesn’t. “Fine, Third. I’ll go, but if I get bored or whatever, I’m leaving.”
“I promise you’ll have a blast.”
I doubt it.
“I’ll text you all the details. See you soon.”
As soon as Alex ends the call I’m already dreading my decision. I go back into the shelter and get started with the girls tutoring today. I helped the boys this morning, and this afternoon is all about the girls. The day seems to pretty much fly by and before I know it I’m back at the apartment.
Alex: I can pick you up @ 9
I stare at my screen and all I want to do is take a long bath, curl up with a book, and go to sleep. Fuck, I sound like a hundred year old woman. I’m nineteen. This is the prime of my life and I should be out living it.
Right?
Right.
But I still just want to take a bath, curl up with a book, and go to bed.
I CHOSE TO meet Alex at the party instead of having him pick me up. Sure he could have picked me up without any issues, but I didn’t want to give him any ideas we were dating. I know when I talked to him I said, more than once—well more than once—we were going to be friends only.
I wore a pair of skinny jeans and a simple blouse and had an Uber take me to the address he gave me. I try not to think about the fact I’m close to Hamilton’s place. I’ve thought about him a lot since the last time I saw him. No more gifts have come and I even asked Nova if she’d seen him. She told me no, but I’m not convinced she hasn’t because I know she adores him. He has been there for us both so much, and I do miss him.
But we can’t be together. I’m still younger than him and he still has an issue with it. No matter what he thinks now, it’ll come back to the forefront and he’ll remember why we ended things the first time. Well, we didn’t really start.
Why am I obsessing over this? What’s the point? He’s gone and it’s what I wanted?
Then why do I feel like shit about it?
I push it all out of my mind as I get out of the car and stroll up the crowded sidewalk. This mansion is packed to capacity. It’s wall-to-wall people. So much for a get together with friends. There has to be at least three hundred people here. I really should just leave, but instead I make my way inside. The body heat of all the people makes the place feel like a sauna. I can already feel sweat dripping down my back, and it’s not just because of me being outside in the humidity.
I pull out my phone and text Alex letting him know I’m here.
Alex: Head toward the kitchen
I roll my eyes. Like I know where the kitchen is. I take a chance and begin to ease my way to the back of the mansion. Eventually, I find a kitchen, which is larger than the steakhouse. Alex is doing shots with several other guys in the corner.
Lovely!
I stand behind him for a second before tapping him on his shoulder. He spins around and his hazel eyes light up. “Janan.” He hugs me close to his body, and I almost choke on his cologne. “I’m so glad you made it, baby.”
Baby? Oh I can tell I already made a mistake. “I can’t really stay.” I talk loud for him to hear me, but he’s either not listening or really can’t hear me over all the loud talking, laughter, and the bass of the music coming from the other room.
“Guys, this is my girl Janan.” He holds me tight to him and spins me to the four other guys.
I’m not his girl.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand up as the guys look at me. Like they’re up to something. It reminds me of when Sharon was drinking. The house would be eerily quiet until the slam of the empty vodka bottle echoed through the house. The hairs always stood up on the back of my neck and the fear would wash over me.
This is the same feeling.
My ears are ringing, and I can’t hear what the guys are saying. I feel myself nodding and Alex hands me a drink. Smelling the vodka, I push the drink away from me. My sound comes back and the guys are laughing at me.
“I don’t drink.” I step out of Alex’s hold.
“Fine.” He sighs and hands me a different glass.
It looks to be pop, but I’ve seen enough and read even more about females taking drinks from guys at bars and such. This is no different. Daddy is always saying to follow your gut and this time I do. I don’t drink it. Instead I ask where the bathroom is. I don’t really wait for him to tell me. I pretty much just leave.
I should have just stayed home and stuck with my original plan. I grab my phone, and I’m about to summon an Uber when Alex yells my name. I don’t want to deal with him. I quickly hit speed dial number two. I’ve not changed them since…
“Janan.” Hamilton’s
voice is on the phone.
“I don’t have a lot of time, but I need your help.” I quickly rattle off where I am and the shortest ever abridged version of my night.
“I’m on my way. Don’t you move.” He ends the call.
I turn as Alex reaches me. I can smell the booze on him, and it makes me nauseated.
“Why did you run away, baby?”
“First, stop calling me baby. Second, you’re drunk and you know I don’t drink.” I’m a bitch most of the time. It’s just part of my personality—but right now—I’m trying to remain calm until Hamilton gets here. I don’t know Alex well enough to know how he’ll react when I challenge him. I lower my tone. “Alex, I don’t like parties like this. I’m going home and we’ll talk later.” We’ll never talk again. I left that part out of my dialogue.
“Why are you mad at me?” He snarls at me. “I invite you to the best party of New Hampshire and you flake.”
“Flake?” I glare at him. “I don’t like to be around alcohol. Nor do I enjoy being at a frat party because that’s what this is.” I point back to the mansion,
“So what? When did you become so damn high and mighty?” He shouts at me, and I jump.
I don’t know what happens. I’m suddenly a small child again and Sharon is over me, slapping, hitting, and throwing things at me. I’m frozen in fear as he grabs my arm.
“Answer me.” He bends down to me and we’re nose-to-nose.
I can’t speak, move, or even breathe. The smell of his breath makes my knees weak from dread and panic. Is he going to hit me? What am I going to do?
Suddenly, I’m pulled away from Alex, and Hamilton’s massive body is between us. I feel relief flooding over me. Hamilton is here. He won’t let anything happen to me.
“If you ever fucking touch her again, I’ll break every bone in your goddamn body.” Hamilton never touches him, but he doesn’t have to because his tone says it all.
He reaches for my hand, and I immediately take it. He leads me to his car and opens the door for me. The soft leather seats are comfortable. Hamilton jumps into the driver’s seat and takes off as if he’s trying to qualify for a race. He holds my hand the three blocks we go to his place. He parks the car in the garage and gets out. If there’s anything I know about Hamilton it’s he’s all about manners and chivalrousness. I know better than to open my door. He comes around, opens my door and takes my hand to lead me into the house, which is a massive mansion. We walk through the side door that leads right into the kitchen. This is Nova’s dream kitchen. Everything is top of the line, and she’s cooked many incredible meals in this place, all of which I gained weight from.
I stand by the island and Hamilton’s less than a foot from me. He’s not saying anything, only staring at me. I don’t know what happened. I can’t explain it. The tears began to flow. I sob harder and harder, and Hamilton puts his arms around me. He picks me up, and I bury my face in the crook of his neck. Here is where I feel safe.
Here is where I want to be.
AFTER MY SOB fest, I passed out. Now I’m awake, in his bed, in his arms… again. I don’t want to leave them either. I try to pretend I’m still asleep, but I know he’s faking as well. I go to move, but he holds me tighter.
“Please give me five more minutes like this. It’s been forever since you’ve been in my arms and I don’t want it to end.” Hamilton’s deep southern voice tickles my ear.
“Am I allowed to turn and face you?” I tease trying to sound badass but failing.
“If you try to get out of this bed and deny me my five minutes, I’m going to be pissed as fuck.” He warns me.
I giggle because he doesn’t scare me. I rotate my hips and manage to face him without leaving his grip. His beautiful brown eyes are brighter than normal. There’s more scruff on his face than usual too, making him more stunning.
“I have five minutes of your undivided attention, and I’m going to use every second of it.” He rubs my back.
“I could kick you in the balls and you’d let me go.” I counter trying to hide my smirk.
“You could, but there’s a part of you that wants to hear what I’m going to say.” He challenges with his one hidden smirk.
“How do you know you’re right?” I lean away from him.
He chuckles. “Because you’ve not kicked me in the balls yet.”
I can’t help the giggle escaping from my lips and resting on Hamilton’s shoulder. “All right, you have four minutes and thirty seconds.” I sit back up and look him in the eyes.
He makes my heart stop.
“I have my entire world in my arms, and I don’t ever want to let go. I want you in my arms every single day, minus the days I’m on the road and you have to get up early, or whatever.” He brushes his fingertips over my jaw. “You’re the only one I want in this bed, the only one I want to kiss, the only one in my life. I’m an idiot for treating you badly. ”
“Are you asking me to marry you or something?” I tease.
“Would you say yes?”
Another thing I know about Hamilton, it’s hard to tell if he’s joking or not. “Hamilton.” I firmly say his name. “I want a direct answer.”
“At this moment, no. However, I never say never.”
I roll my eyes. “Hammy.” I try to pull away, but I can’t budge.
“I’m not finished.” He pulls me closer. “I want you as my girlfriend, for starters. I want you in my life every moment. I love you, Janan Long. I was just too stupid to say it to you. So, right now I’m begging you for a second chance.”
I knew this is where the conversation would be going. I bite down on my lip. “I’m still nineteen and you have a problem with it.”
“I thought I did. It was my own insecurity. I don’t want to throw away the best woman on this planet because of something as idiotic as age. I’m almost ten years older than you and not even as close to you in the smarts department.” He rubs the pad of his thumb across my bottom lip. “Please, Janan—my sweetheart—please give me a chance to show you how you should be treated by a man who desperately wants to be your boyfriend.”
I close my eyes because his simple touch is intense. My body clenches, and I moan. Hamilton moves his hand around my throat, not hard, and strokes the hollow of my throat.
“Are you trying to convince me by using your sexual appeal?” Keeping my tone even is impossible. I can feel myself becoming wetter, so I clench my thighs together, hoping I can ease the tension myself but am failing miserably at it.
“If it’s working, yes. Is it working?” His lips are mere inches from mine.
“Depends.”
“On what?”
“How good I feel at the end of it.” I inhale. Flirting has never been my strong suit but with Hamilton, it seems to come out of me with ease.
“I clearly remember you cumming on my fingers and my tongue. I recall your hard nipples between my teeth. The way you called out my name. The way your hands and mouth felt around my cock. The way you let me cum in your mouth.” His nose rubs the length of mine. “Give me a second chance, sweetheart. Let me show you the world and all the good in me. In us being together.”
If Hamilton had said those words to me several months ago, I would have dropped everything and been with him. Now time has passed and here we are. The difference. I’m more miserable than I had been when I sent him away. I thought I could be fine without him. But here I am, aching for him. My chest hurts because it’s hard to breathe without him. Here’s the problem. I cannot—no, I will not depend on a man. It’s not in me, and I won’t hurt Hamilton.
“When I asked if this was a marriage proposal, I thought you were about to pull out a ring.” I joke buying time from answering his question.
Hamilton lets me go and gets out of the comfortable bed. He stands next to the nightstand beside his bed and opens the top drawer. Every spec of air leaves the room as he pulls out a little black ring box and sets it on his pillow where his head just laid.
I bolt upr
ight. “What is that?” I point to the box as if it’s some sort of horror in front of me.
“Open it,” he states, sitting on the side of the bed.
With shaking hands, I pick it up and open the top. I gasp softly.
“It’s from the Etsy store you like.”
I love plain jewelry and Etsy is the store I’m always buying it from. It has one of a kind pieces and I was sad when this piece had been sold. It’s a simple rose gold infinity ring. No fancy gemstones the size of a person’s fist. It’s just a plain ring which says so much more.
“Hamilton.” I’m fighting back my tears.
“Never say never.” He takes my hand. “But right now I want to start from the beginning.”
I stare at the ring. This is Hamilton. The only man who knows me from the inside and out. Well, most of it. I’m hiding a big part of me from him. I have to because he can’t know the truth. Wait, he should know the truth. If I tell him then he’ll understand why he and I can’t be together. I want to be with him, but in reality, it’s impossible.
“We can’t.” I shake my head and stand up, moving away from him and the ring.
“Jan—”
“No. Listen to me.” I stop him and move to the other side of the room. More distance is better. “I’m not good for you.” The tears come and the dam of emotions breaks. “I am toxic to you. If we become an item do you know what’s going to happen? I’m going to become her. I’m going to hurt you in ways you can’t imagine. I’ll take away your life slowly until you’re drained of nothing. You’re too good for me.” I wipe the wetness from my face.
He stands up and comes toward me. I shake my head, sobbing, hoping it keeps him away, but in Hamilton fashion, he wraps his large arms around me. “You are not Sharon. You are so much stronger than she ever was. You are not going to bring me down. Do you understand?” He cups my face and kisses me hard. “I want you in my life every single day. There is no risk with you in my life. However, there is a risk if you aren’t in my life. I can’t eat, sleep, fuck I can’t breathe right without you.”
“I’m fucked up.” I sniff.
