He tasted like soot, and wind and fire. His lips were soft but unyielding, demanding but caressing. His hands clutched me to his body, possessing me with their need and strength. I loved this man. I loved him more than anything or anyone.
And it suddenly felt imperative to tell him that.
Even if it wasn’t really him or he wasn’t coherent enough to care.
I pulled back, trying to separate our lips, trying to tell him that but he followed me. His tongue swept inside my mouth and he groaned at the hot, wet contact with mine. He consumed my mouth with so much dominance it almost frightened me. And then his lips were moving all over my skin- down my neck, across my jaw, along my exposed collarbones. I was gasping for air but lost in his assault on all of my senses. This wasn’t a kiss, this was raw, desperate need.
His lips came back to mine on a deep groan of satisfaction and I knew I would never be the same after this moment. I hated that he had to lose himself before we came to this place, but I would never go back, I would never relinquish the ground we made through this struggle.
“I love you,” the words fell from my mouth like my next breath. “I love you.”
He froze. His entire body went rigid, each muscle completely tensed and solidified. His hands gripped me painfully and his forehead rested against mine. We stayed there for endless minutes while we breathed the same air. The fire slowly started to die out around us.
“Say it again,” he demanded with a voice that sounded like it had been torn to shreds.
“I love you,” I whispered, the tears freely falling again.
He let out a shaky breath and relaxed his grip on me. “This will be the moment that gets me through everything else. This moment with you and your words and your beautiful lips.”
I cried harder and he pulled me against him again, only this time he was gentle. He held me to him and I trembled all over him.
“I love you,” I said again because I knew he needed to hear it. He didn’t say it back. I wasn’t even sure if he was capable of saying it, let alone feeling it. But if he didn’t today, he would someday. Because I would fight the rest of my life if I had to to bring him back.
Maybe there still existed a larger purpose in my life than Seth, but I couldn’t remember it. Right now he was my entire world and I would do anything to save him, to keep him tethered to me like he said.
We stood there holding each other for a very long time- until the night air started to lighten and dawn broke on the horizon. He eventually pulled back and whispered, “I need to go.”
“I know.”
He stepped away robotically and clenched his fists at his side. He turned away but then looked back over his shoulder and closed his eyes. “One more time,” his voice was ravaged and raw, “Say it one more time.”
“I love you,” I promised.
And then he was gone. When I could finally move again I left too. I left the fire to die out, the cabin to continue to rot and my heart to bleed out all over that space.
Chapter Nineteen
“I don’t want to go,” I grumbled firmly.
My mom gave me an appraising look. I was sprawled out in my bed, in dirty sweats and without a shower. She let out a long suffering sigh and plopped on the bed with me.
We laid their silently for a while, heads touching on my pillow, but bodies angled away from each other and just breathed. It was Saturday and she wanted to take me dress shopping for prom, but I couldn’t seem to drag myself out of bed.
It had been two weeks since I had seen Seth.
Two weeks since I had been able to check on him, make sure he was alright, feel out how he was holding up.
Two weeks since my heart had been completely ripped from my chest and filleted on the ground in that stupid forest.
Two weeks since I told him I loved him.
I hadn’t seen him anywhere.
Not for lack of trying.
I went out nightly with Serena while Nate and Jupiter healed, and when Nate was better I continued to tag along. When I wasn’t actively fighting, I was training relentlessly. And the only time I wasn’t training I was in school.
I had become a ruthless machine. A single-minded instrument determined to save Seth from the living Hell he lived in, and in the process possibly save me from my own special kind of darkness.
I felt like I was spiraling out of control. Not only had he been taken from me, but while I lived, breathed, existed in this perfectly normal world, he was surviving some kind of nightmare. I felt lost without him, ungrounded and without footing. The earth beneath my feet had been stripped away and there was nothing to catch me while I disappeared into the eternal depths of nothing.
There were other things in my life, but they were like sifting sand as I tried to grasp onto anything to keep me steady.
And while he wasn’t the only one that noticed something was different about me, Tristan definitely picked up on my melancholy.
But it was more than that. My heart felt ripped in two, separated to opposite ends of the Earth. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t be apart from Seth like this.
I honestly felt a little pathetic.
“Stella,” my mom’s rational and patient voice cut through my thoughts. “You told Tristan you would go with him. Don’t you want to look nice?”
“I’m not sure,” I admitted. “I’m not sure I want to go anymore.”
She scooted over a little so she could pull her head back and look at me. I felt the full force of her golden gaze on me. Her eyes were like yellow gold without her contacts, bright, liquid and so perceptive I wanted to crawl under my bed.
“You can’t obsess over Seth every moment of your life, sweets.” Her voice was so very gentle it made me irrationally emotional. “You have to live outside of his…. predicament. Or you’re going to drive yourself crazy.”
I thought for a moment I would cry simply from frustration. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes for just a moment before sadness turned to a burning anger with a ferocity that turned to acid in my veins and burned in my stomach hotter than lava.
My mom continued, “Seth did this for you, so that you could be safe, so you could…. prepare. So you could live. He’s suffering for nothing unless you do your part in this.”
“And my part includes going to prom?” I asked dryly.
My mom’s face split into a wide grin, caught in her duplicitous pep talk. “Well, maybe that wasn’t specifically why he signed over his soul, but I know he wouldn’t be happy if you laid in bed every day or missed out on the humanity you love so dearly.” She paused; maybe to wait for me to respond, but I didn’t really have anything to say to that. She was right. “Whatever happens to Seth, he did this as a gift to you, Stella. I don’t think you should spend every night dancing the night away, but you are allowed to go to prom without guilt or fear of failure. Enjoy the night. Enjoy humanity. Enjoy Tristan.”
I looked at my mom carefully, hearing the very loud undercurrent of her words. Tristan was not my future according to my parents- well, according to everyone. She was telling me to enjoy prom with him because there wouldn’t be other nights with him. Seth hadn’t just given me time to come into my powers, he had given me time to spend exclusively with Tristan.
Even if that wasn’t exactly Seth’s purpose.
When I turned eighteen everything would change. I would gain my powers but give up the world I lived and participated in.
I would give up my friends, my family and Tristan.
I sat up slowly. Prom was suddenly very important; extremely vital to my survival.
My mom smiled up at me. “Get showered. We’ll leave as soon as you’re ready.”
I tried to smile back at her but it wobbled and then my chin started quivering and the righteous anger I felt just moments ago dissolved immediately into fear of the unknown.
But my mom was there to immediately pull me into her arms and hold me close to her. “Everything will be alright, Stella. Everything. I promise you. We will w
ork this out.”
I nodded into her shoulder and took a few steadying breaths. I had to pull myself together if I wanted to get through the day. I had to be strong.
I was strong.
I just sometimes forgot that.
I showered quickly and did the whole blow dryer, makeup thing. I pulled on a knee-length button-up navy blue dress with small white polka dots to get me in the mood for dress shopping. The dress was stiff cotton and so I paired it with a pair of worn-in cowboy boots and a long sheer cream cardigan. I left my hair down and after the blow dryer it was a little bit wild, but I was just going out with my mom.
I felt a million times better dressed and clean. My dagger was firmly strapped to my thigh, another one thrown into my hobo bag and mom’s car was outfitted with enough swords that if her car was ever pulled over and searched by local law enforcement she would be dragged away to jail while her picture was plastered all over national news: Country Housewife Plans Harvest Massacre.
I bounded down the stairs and met my mom with a more confident smile. She put her cup of coffee down and dropped a kiss on my dad’s forehead. He was at the table with a still-healing Jupiter, looking over the Alpha Heiros- it was like an instruction manual and history book all in one, everything a Warrior or Star would need to know about defeating the dark side.
It was our Obi Wan.
My dad looked up and gifted me with a proud smile, but Jupiter didn’t even grunt a hello. Although to be fair, most of his face was still bandaged from his extensive burns and his arm was in a sling.
I dropped a kiss on my dad’s head and patted Jupiter’s good shoulder when I walked by.
“Bye, Dad!” I called out. “Bye, Jupiter.”
This time he snorted.
I followed my mom out the kitchen door and then ran into her back when she abruptly stopped. “Who are you?” she snapped and her dagger was in her swift fingers before I could even look around her shoulder.
“A friend of Stella’s,” the other person answered.
Great.
“What are you doing here, Jude?” I walked around my mother since she was refusing to move and crossed my arms. I glanced over my shoulder to make sure the door was closed, but had to assume my dad could hear this entire thing. He just trusted my mom enough to know she would decimate anything that tried to harm me.
Jude’s eyes flickered over me from cowboy-booted toes to my voluminous long hair that was flipping frantically in the warm breeze. I watched his pupils grow big and had to assume it was from surprise. I probably looked a little like a wannabe cowgirl Barbie.
My school wardrobe had been pretty gothic lately- as black as my mood had been. So it made sense that he was surprised by my tamed if not somewhat country appearance.
“I was just, uh,” Jude’s gaze hopped back and forth between my mom and me nervously. I wanted to laugh, but in no way did I want to make him feel comfortable here. “I was just checking on you. Doing my job and what not.”
“What exactly is your job?” my mom, every bit of the fierce warrior princess she was, asked slowly.
“Mom, this is Jude,” I reluctantly made introductions. “He’s the third in the third party soul contract.”
My mom straightened somewhat, but did not put her blade down. “You’re the third?”
“I know! Completely unbelievable right?” I agreed dramatically- partly because it was unbelievable they chose someone so young, and the other part just to piss Jude off.
Jude’s eyes narrowed on me, but he took a step forward and reached a hand out to my mom. This was kind of like a backhanded compliment, a Fallen trying to shake hands with a Star, but it wasn’t exactly an aggressive move either.
My mom eyed his hand, but in the end she kept a firm hold on her knife and just looked at him curiously. “Celina Day.”
Jude pulled his hand back and ran it through his unkempt hair. “Pleasure,” he grinned devilishly.
I pushed my mom gently on the back to get her going. “Well, as you can see, I’m perfectly fine and alive. Bye, Jude.”
Mom and I walked down the stairs and toward her car. I felt Jude take off after us and desperately wished my dad would step out of the house and take care of him for us.
As in permanently.
“Where are you going?” he pulled ahead just fast enough so he could lean on the back door of the Malibu.
“Dress shopping,” I gritted. I didn’t mean to answer truthfully, but his question caught me off guard.
My mom played with her car keys and finally put her dagger away. She eyed Jude suspiciously. I tried to catch her eye to beg her to kick him out, but she just continued to watch him carefully.
“Sounds fun,” Jude said brightly.
I scowled at him. He obviously had a motive for being here that was more than just checking to make sure I was alive, but I couldn’t figure out what it was.
“Alright-“
“Sure, I’ll come.” He bounced off the car and opened the back door so he could crawl inside.
I grabbed his wrist to stop him. “I’m sorry, what?”
“I said I would come,” he answered very slowly, like I was having trouble understanding him. And then in case I needed more explaining he said, “With you. Dress shopping.”
“No,” I shook my head vehemently. “Uh, no. No way. That’s not happening.”
He tilted his chin and regarded me thoughtfully. “It will be safer if I go with you.”
“You’re not my body guard Jude, you’re part of a contract that I don’t fully acknowledge and your one true job in this life is to simply make sure one of your friends doesn’t try to take my head. I doubt prom shopping is a clause in your contract.”
“Ah ha! You doubt, so you don’t exactly know whether it is or not.”
“You’re really going to try to tell me that you are obligated to go clothes shopping with me?” I knew there was no way in Hell that he was, but I also found it slightly amusing that he was trying to make this his case.
“Yes,” he answered evenly.
“You’re lying.”
“I’m Fallen, I’m supposed to lie.” A light went out in his eyes when he said that. It was like one moment he was enjoying torturing me the same way I enjoyed chocolate chip pancakes, and then he was vacant and hollow.
“Why do you want to go shopping with us so bad?” I whined, knowing that he was much more dangerous as the broken bad boy than the obnoxious stalker. I felt sorry for him and my conscience all of a sudden wanted to make a case for him. Maybe he was lonely, maybe he needed a friend, maybe his life was in jeopardy if he didn’t do his job better.
Which was all stupid since I couldn’t care less what happened to Jude and would be grateful if he was taken off my hands.
His eyes softened some; they seemed more human than ever before, and he looked up from under those thick eye lashes and…. and then didn’t say anything. He just looked at me like I should be able to fill in the blanks.
“You can come,” my mom announced. She had been peculiarly quiet until then. Her hand rested casually on the top of the car and even though her eyes were still intently watching Jude, they seemed to have softened some.
“What?” I screeched.
“Better to have him with us where we can see exactly what he’s up to than skulking in the shadows.”
My gaze swiveled back to Jude and I narrowed my eyes. He had three seconds to back out of this or I was going to stab him in the kidney- for real.
“I prefer to think of it as light lurking, but I appreciate the consideration.” Jude grinned at me and then slid down into the seat and slammed the door in my face.
“Mom,” I hissed. “What are you doing?”
“Stella, this boy is our enemy,” she explained firmly. “But he’s also out of our reach and charged with spending the next year with you. I want to get to know as much about him as possible. I will feel better when I have been able to study him.”
And then she climbed into her seat
and slammed the door.
I supposed she had a point. It would be beneficial to everyone if we knew more about Jude and the forces he worked with. Plus, maybe he had seen Seth recently.
Only muttering a little bit under my breath, I walked around the car and got into the passenger’s side. We had almost an hour drive into Omaha and the mall we were planning to shop at. I had to endure the entire trip with Jude behind me.
As soon as my mom pulled out onto the main highway the back window rolled down and we were immediately hit with the suck and pull of rapid wind. I grabbed at my hair so I could keep it from whipping my mom in the face and whirled around to face Jude.
“Close the window,” I growled.
He was playing with a cigarette wedged between his middle and third finger, rolling it back and forth, back and forth. Slowly his gaze tore away from his nicotine addiction and raised an eyebrow at me.
“I need to smoke,” he said carefully. He slipped the tip of his cigarette in between his lips and pressed them down around the cigarette. “I was being thoughtful.”
“Being thoughtful means waiting to smoke when you’re not in a crowded car.”
He took the cigarette back out of his mouth and squeezed the tip between those same fingers and looked at me like he wanted to strangle me. “You’re not being a very gracious hostess today.”
“You’re not going to smoke in this car, no matter how much you insult me.”
He groaned and then draggd his free hand down his face. “God, it’s like you honestly have a giant stick up your ass all the time. It’s just a cigarette.”
“Mom!” I enlisted help.
“Keep the window down, Jude,” my mother said sternly. And then she rolled down her window an inch so there was better airflow.
Jude grinned at me and immediately lit up. He inhaled deeply and his eyes sort of rolled back in his head in an expression of pure bliss. I gaped at him. And then at my mother. And then back at him.
What was happening?
“Mom!” My voice sounded way too pitchy.
She just shrugged her shoulder. “It was nice of him to be so considerate. I want to reward his good behavior.”
Sunburst (Starbright Series) Page 22
